My friend may have cancer.

LegacyUser

Mods if this isn't the appropriate place for this then please feel free to move it.

I got a phonecall tonight to let me know that a friend of mine has undergone a biopsy to test for Pancreatic Cancer. The person who called me, the guy who underwent the biopsy and myself have been friends for about 23 years and have seen each other get married, kids grow and even did some college time together. So you can imagine the news came as a shock. We're all aged in our early to late forties.

I've done some reading up on this form of cancer and I'm stunned to learn that there's less than a 5% chance of recovery and that the prognosis is usually death in 5 years or less depending on how soon it's detected. In hindsight he has suffered the early symptoms for more than 2 years now, abdominal pain (like ulcers) heartburn, depression and others. This means that if the biopsy comes back positive he may be beyond treatment.

I haven't a clue what I'm going to say to him when I call him - he doesn't know that I know yet - I've avoided situations like this before where possible but I can't this time, it's too close to home. I know I'll turn into a wreck when I see him and just make him feel worse - I want to avoid this obviously. Does anyone have any experience of this situation that could help me to help him.

I'd appreciate any advice at all.

K.

Wurly

Please try not to shut him out because you're not sure how to deal with it.

Be there for him. Let him scream, shout , cry. etc You don't have to say or do anything - just be there.

When my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, a lot of my friends shut me out cos they didn't know how to handle it.... But neither did I. I needed my friends and not having them there for support compounded the situation.

So be there OP. That's all you can do. And its more than enough.

thusspakeblixa

I don't want to get too personal with this, just to say I had cancer when I was 15 (now 18) and literally all I wanted was someone to listen.
You don't have to say anything much at all, I remember talking to one of my friends for 3 hours one day just about how crappy it was.
Oh and stay positive, believe me, tiny little things like that in other people can make a difference

maryjmul

worried friend wrote: »

Mods if this isn't the appropriate place for this then please feel free to move it.

I got a phonecall tonight to let me know that a friend of mine has undergone a biopsy to test for Pancreatic Cancer. The person who called me, the guy who underwent the biopsy and myself have been friends for about 23 years and have seen each other get married, kids grow and even did some college time together. So you can imagine the news came as a shock. We're all aged in our early to late forties.

I've done some reading up on this form of cancer and I'm stunned to learn that there's less than a 5% chance of recovery and that the prognosis is usually death in 5 years or less depending on how soon it's detected. In hindsight he has suffered the early symptoms for more than 2 years now, abdominal pain (like ulcers) heartburn, depression and others. This means that if the biopsy comes back positive he may be beyond treatment.

I haven't a clue what I'm going to say to him when I call him - he doesn't know that I know yet - I've avoided situations like this before where possible but I can't this time, it's too close to home. I know I'll turn into a wreck when I see him and just make him feel worse - I want to avoid this obviously. Does anyone have any experience of this situation that could help me to help him.

I'd appreciate any advice at all.

K.

oh my god ! what can one say just be there when ever he wants a friend to lean on ,i feel like this has come back to haunt me all over again ive lost 2 very good friends to this all in there late 30s .im so sorry for you best of luck xxx

LegacyUser

You're both right of course. Thank you. It really is that simple I guess, just be there for him.
I can't even imagine what he's going through, how he's coping.

Thanks again lads.

K.

Ishindar

do as your heart says and just be yourself. showing emotion or being a wreck or whatever u feel only shows him hes loved and respected.

LolaLuv

I am really sorry to hear about this. I wish your friend all the best.

leesmom

the worst thing you can do is shut him out and pretend its not happening,when my mum had cancer she was pretty upset at the people who she thought were good friends and turned out not to be,some of them almost gave up contact with her for whatever reason,all i can say its in situations like this that you learn who your real friends are ,so please please be there for him

CathyMoran

I was given almost the same diagnosis as your friend almost 2 years ago and I am still here (have esophageal cancer which is the second worst cancer to have, only pancreatic is worse), sure, I have scares (am in the middle of one at the moment with my liver) but I am still here. There is always hope. Maybe you could distract your friend, that is what all my friends have been doing at the moment and it is working!

There are different treatments depending on what stage your friend is at and even if the statistics are bad your friend can always be the one who beats them. My family and friends were the ones who kept me here when times were bad.

FX Meister

spend as much time with him as you can while he's still here or you'll regret it later. I lost my mother to cancer two months ago but spent all the time i could with her before she died

LegacyUser

Thanks all.

Cathymoran, I've been following your situation for a while now and I really admire your courage and determination. I also realise that your husband has been a huge help to you through this. You're lucky in that regard, you need people like that at times like this. I've had my fingers crossed for you ever since I read your story.

I'm going over to visit him with our other friend on Tuesday evening. I'll try to figure out from that what he needs most right now. As all of you have said he might just need reassurance that people will be there for him. He must be terrified, I know I would be.

leesmom: I'd have been like your mams "friends" in the past, it's not their fault. People think that by ignoring something it won't affect them. But the older you get the more relevant these situations become, the older we get the more likely we are to develop something like this and face this kind of situation. I'm sorry to hear about your mam and I hope you're doing ok now.

K.

LegacyUser

A member of my family was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 15 months ago. The symptoms were there for almost a year before she finally got it checked out.
She underwent a 7 hour operation where some of her pancreas, stomach and bile duct area were taken away.
She got the all-clear about 4 months ago, but needs to go back for check-ups every 3 months now. There is a very high risk of pancreatic cancer returning.

She maintains that her positive attitude, and the positive attitude of her family and friends got her through it.
Some friends and relatives would visit her but their conversation was all doom and gloom, which wasnt helping at all. She pretty much told them not to bother visiting her unless they were going to be more positive about it.

Your friend needs you to be there for him. He'll need friends who'll simply listen.
He'll need friends who are positive (but realistic too). He'll need friends who can take his mind off it and distract him with "normal" talk and activities, whenever he wants to escape.

Just be there for him, and also for his family.

Dave147

I remember when I was in school, one of my best friends for life had coloitis, it's a condition he has to live with for life and he had to spend the best part of 6 months in hospital, I'd say he wasn't even out of the hospital a week in total in those 6 months. I know it's not the same as cancer, but here's the rest of us enjoying our lives, weekends, holidays etc. We were tight knit friends back then, 4 of us, I would get on my scooter about 4 times a week and go up to the hospital, just used play cards and listen to him saying how **** it was..

Nowadays I don't see much of him, girlfriends, college etc. but we will always have a really close bond, I could ring and chat away as normal still.. I know he appreciates the fact that I used come up and just listen, so please do not shut your friend out, he won't make you feel awkward, he just doesn't want to be alone and the more support the better.

I assume the tests haven't come back yet, so I hope he doesn't actually have cancer..

RedXIV

a mate of mine in school got diagnosed with lukemia in school and we had just had another student in the school die from it. So when we went to "be there for him" he told us to cop on to ourselves. Feeling a bit like a bunch of prats we realised that the last thing he wanted while going through this was his friends to feel like they couldn't chat to him. So we went back to doing everything we normally did, just being that little bit more aware that he wasn't always able to keep up.

He went on to beat it (the day he left the hospital with the all clear, the barrier that let the cars in and out came down on his head :rolleyes: so he was in hospital an extra day) and will always be one of the toughest people i know.

He needs mates and he needs them to feel familiar so he can forget about his problems with you.

Best of luck mate, to your friend also.

Red