Desperately stressful and convoluted situation with no apparent means of resolution

LegacyUser

Hi Everybody, I badly need help.

I had a male friend one year older than me who I first met 3 years ago when we both lived in different appartments in the same building. He was stressed and unhappy then and he often leaned on me for support and reassurance. After one year I moved out and bought a house and he continued to visit me there, popping over for cups of tea, or dinner, often staying on sometimes to watch tv. There was never anything sexual between us but I did become attached to him and it felt comfortable.

He apparently felt comfortable too. He would sometimes ask me for favours such as a lift to somewhere. I often obliged and it didnt feel exploitative since we were friends. He was a nice man but could become very moody and if I said something he didnt like (something I would never have thought could have caused him any offence) he would storm off and not contact me sometimes for up to a month at a time. This happened maybe 3 times.

The last time he did it the gap was three months, during which time my sister (aged 46) died. I was completely and utterly devastated by her death and I felt extremely stressed about meeting him on the streets of our very small city when he was not speaking to me like this. He was now seeing a girl with whom he had a on/off relationship. After the three months I finally felt so stressed and trapped and fearful and hurt by his lack of contact that I emailed him saying that since there was no communication I presumed our friendship was over but that I was not going to change where I walked or went or what I did in the city.

I soon discovered that he and this girl were now living together in a house around the corner from mine. Despite me having said I would walk where I wanted (and this is my route to and from work), I had and still have a complete fear of meeting either of them and if I do I almost have a panic type reaction.

Meanwhile my mother had had a stroke and I was busy in and out of the hospital helping her with this daily nightmare playing out. Two months later my mother died (eight months after my sisters death). I fell completely to pieces. Then I discovered that this girl was pregnant and two months after that she had the baby. Now I am confronted with the three of them and it is so difficult and stressful. I feel afraid to go anywhere in case I meet them.

He doesnt have anything to do with me since all this happened. I know now he wasnt ever a friend and I dont want to have anything to do with him but I cant seem to get past the awfulness of the situation. What can I do? How can I feel free to live my life again when I see them everywhere? I feel so hurt and confused and afraid and used.

Please help me.

echosound

I'm sorry to hear of the bereavements you have suffered in such a short space of time.
However I'm confused as to why you would be upset if you bump into this man with his partner and child?? You were just friends, right? And he turned out to be a bit of a user (leaning on you for support, but not being there when you needed it) so treat him like that - someone you were once friendly with and no longer are as you have seen his true colours.

Why get so upset if you see him out and about? Just put your head up and walk past, or nod a "hi" and keep walking if you bump into them. It seems like you regard your friendship with this man as more than that, as if you were a couple. From what you've said, you were not, so his having a partner and a baby shouldn't affect you. If you did harbour some feelings for this guy, admit that to yourself, and realise you had a lucky escape if he's the type to drop you if you need a shoulder to cry on or a bit of support during a tough time in your life.

You are obviously (and understandably) very upset over your mother and sister's passing, so focus on grieving for them, and realise that this man was nothing more than a fairweather "friend" who turned out to be worse than useless in a crisis, a user, cut your losses and move on, making new friends. Realise that he belongs to a part of your life that is in your past, and place him there mentally. Pass him on the street, or ignore him, that's up to you, but definitely don't let seeing him get to you so much that you are changing your route to work or stressing about meeting him. In reality he is nothing more than a person you used to be close friends with, had a falling out with, and are no longer friends with. He is not worth the importance you seem to be placing on him at the moment. Forget him, move on with your life and try to find some peace regarding your bereavements if you can.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your response. I suppose the reason I am so upset and stressed is that I stupidly did think that we were friends (and I never saw him as anything other than that). Now I am in the middle of this awful time in my life and have to face the additional anxiety of seeing someone around every corner who I realise was not a friend at all, although he gave all the appearances of being one when it suited him. I feel stuck in grief and sorrow and loss. His life is fantastic and he doesnt give a crap about me. I feel like my judgment of people is all askew. I feel so betrayed and hurt. I have to move beyond it. Thank you for your advice, it is sound.

Trinity

I kind of understand how you feel OP, I had a few friends fall out with me for no reason and one in particular i was quite close to. I didnt know what i had done wrong. A couple of smart emails back and forth was the end of our friendship and i had no idea why.

I had held the skin of her wrists together when she slit them for christs sake. I had always been there for her as far as i was concerned. My biggest fear was bumping into her, I hadnt done anything wrong, I dont know why i was afraid.

Afraid of being ignored? Afraid of any confrontation?

Do you think it has anything to do with his new partner? Some people are like that in fact a lot are. WHen they get themselves a partner everyone else is dropped.

What are you afraid of exactly? What is the worst thing that can happen if you did bump into them?

Trinity

Just wanted to add my condolences at the loss of your sister and mum. You must have went through a dreadful time and i imagine you are probably not through it yet.

Although you did not have an intimate relationship with this man, you had a relationship of sorts. You said you became attached.

You must try to work through this like you would any other betrayal. He betrayed your friendship, he wasnt there when you needed him most.

You need to walk past him with your head held high, you did nothing wrong.

Have you ever confronted him and asked him why he treated you so shoddily?

You are focussing too much on this man when he doesnt deserve the time you are putting into him.

Treat it like a break up. He hurt you but you must move on. You must concentrate now on your own life. He is getting on with his and you must do the same. I guarantee you he is not half living his life in order not to bump into you.

LegacyUser

Many thanks to those who have responded. I have replied before but my post did not show up. I am certainly not over the deaths of my family members. I am having bereavement counselling for this. I am trying to look at the situation differently inasmuch as even if we had not fallen out, things would be radically changed anyway because of the huge changes in his life situation which I did not know were happening. I am trying to get over the feelings of being hurt and used by someone I foolishly thought was a friend. All things in life are transitory and I think I have allowed myself to make this thing a big deal and to allow it to become an additional stressor in my life- as if I needed anymore. But I still feel as if I am under house arrest and I dread running into them. Thanks again for the sound advice.