OH always sick and i am getting sick of it

what2do??

Only new to this just joined so go easy on me!!

With my OH only a few months and she is great.We get on,were very alike and that works. I am starting to really like her I think but the problem is.....

She has a few different illnesses and found it hard to tell me at the start even though I guessed it.But she is always in and out of hospital and doc and often has to cancel nights out. Now I am not totally heartless I understand she genuinely is not well but sometimes when somethings planned and she can't do it at the last minute ,I end up getting annoyed I don't mean to but i would be looking forward to it.

Now I think I need to decide do I like her enough that i can get over this and not seeing her as often as I would like because she's unwell or do I leave it now before it gets to serious and she gets really ill????

Overheal

are these terminal illnesses we're talking about, like cistic fibrosis or something?

what2do??

no there not terminal,they are not that serious she can just be unwell suddenly,getting sick or in pain.

Dizzyblonde

Is it miscellaneous illnesses as in do you think she's a hypochondriac?
Do you think she uses being ill as a tool?

If she has a genuine condition or conditions then there's not a lot she can do about it and if you really like her you need to decide whether you can cope with this.

Flamed Diving

what2do?? wrote: »

Only new to this just joined so go easy on me!!

With my OH only a few months and she is great.We get on,were very alike and that works. I am starting to really like her I think but the problem is.....

She has a few different illnesses and found it hard to tell me at the start even though I guessed it.But she is always in and out of hospital and doc and often has to cancel nights out. Now I am not totally heartless I understand she genuinely is not well but sometimes when somethings planned and she can't do it at the last minute ,I end up getting annoyed I don't mean to but i would be looking forward to it.

Now I think I need to decide do I like her enough that i can get over this and not seeing her as often as I would like because she's unwell or do I leave it now before it gets to serious and she gets really ill????

I'm actually quite torn on this one because I cant really blame you for feeling the way you do, and if you are getting the urge to leave then you probably should go with that, but at the same time I really feel sorry for the girl. Its a tough one, but I think that if your heart is not in it you are probably doing you both a favour by leaving. Thats my thoughts anyway.

what2do??

No she is genuine and what makes it worse she always feels so bad for cancelling but I know she can not help so what do I do??????

Dizzyblonde

Well this really is a tough one for you. There is a possibility that you could really fall for her and you'd be looking at living with this forever. That's not for everyone, and I speak as someone who has a long-term problem with my balance. I have a very supportive husband, but I wouldn't want him to stay just because of it, and I'd rather not have him around if it was too much for him to cope with. I'll be better one day, I don't know if your girlfriend will and this is another thing you need to consider.
At the moment you haven't been together long so it would be easier to walk away now if that's what you want. I'm afraid only you can decide though. Good luck.

Firetrap

It's a tough one. I can understand where you're coming from to a certain extent as I have a friend who's got a chronic illness and like your girlfriend, gets sick a lot. And so, I know what it's like to cancel plans and to chop and change things depending on how well she is.

The big difference of course is that while I'm talking about a friend who I catch up with every few weeks or so, you've got a girlfriend and a nasty dilemma. My heart goes out to you, it really does. I can't answer your question for you but here are a couple of questions that you need to ask yourself.

I know it's still early days in your relationship but maybe you need to ask yourself what would you like down the line? If you would like to have kids, your girlfriend may not be the right person to have children with. Perhaps medication she needs to take could cause problems with pregnancy/babies and afterwards, she might have problems looking after your kids. You could in effect turn into Mammy and Daddy when she's too ill to help.

As you pointed out yourself, you're already running into problems when she has to cancel nights out etc. Be honest with yourself - if it's annoying you now, do you think you could come to resent her in time?

If you think too that down the line you could end up as her carer, that is going to impact in a massive way on your life and career. In truth, nobody knows if they're going to be a good carer until the situation is foisted upon them. Be realistic - if you see her going down the road of needing full-time care, do you want to be there to help her?

LegacyUser

I've been there.

One of my ex-girlfriends had a serious illness (not life-threatening) that could rear its ugly head at times without warning. For the most part we were ok but sometimes it could ruin nights or whole weekends that we had planned to spend together. But to be honest - this girl was so amazing that while I would be disappointed I always knew that she was worth it. Spent hours with her curled up on my lap in pain. Somehow it brought us closer together because she saw that I was there for her no matter what.

The real thing is: do you like her enough to see her through bad times? You're not a bad person if you don't, but maybe she's not the one for you if you can't see yourself sitting for half an hour outside a bathroom while she throws up inside.

MagicMarker

Tbh, if you're thinking of dumping her because of this then you obviously don't feel too deeply for her. That's not a dig at you btw, just saying that you should just leave if you want to.

smares

TBH i think your being a bit selfish,think how hard it is for to meet someone new and have to tell you her problems after only being with you a short while. she can not help being sick and i am sure the last thing she wants to do is cancel.

If you like her, her illness should not stop you being with her,you just have to get used to it.

Your thinking a lot about yourself think how she feels everytime she has to cancel i am sure she is looking forward to it as well,don't be with her if you feel you have to or out of pity.She is after trusting you and telling you about her illness so it's not fair if your with her for the wrong reason.

RedXIV

Hmmmmm I'm with the others here. While it'd be so easy to say "Don't be selfish", unless your jesus himself, its only going to make things worse in the long run if you aren't honest about this at the start.

OP i realise that it's not an easy thing to do but if you don't think you can handle this then the best thing you can do is end it sooner rather than later. Don't let this girl get more and more comfortable with you as it will make the pain of breakup worse.

However, if you are still on the fence about this, i suggest spending more time with the girl for the immediate future, engage in her life enough to simulate what you would have if it was a long term relationship.

lasty, don't judge yourself harshly for thinking like this, this issue would have cropped up at some stage for 99% of people and if you deal with it now, you'll be happier later.

Best of luck

Red

seamus

MagicMarker wrote: »

Tbh, if you're thinking of dumping her because of this then you obviously don't feel too deeply for her. That's not a dig at you btw, just saying that you should just leave if you want to.

Not necessarily. A long-term chronic illness (physical or mental) is very stressful on a relationship. No matter how much you love someone, there can be a breaking point where you just can't take it any more. It doesn't mean that someone loves the ill person any less, but if you have a buy out of it, then that can look very appealing after 20 years. God knows if the sick person could click their fingers and never be sick again they would.

The other party has this option, so if the camel's back breaks, so to speak, then they can get out of it.
You'll often hear of people breaking up with someone who's in the middle of getting treated for cancer, or who's had a young family member die or any other kind of problem. It sounds callous and heartless when you hear of the break-up, but everyone has their limit, and if your own mental state is suffering, then what use are you to your partner and to your relationship?

The key is to work on it from the start - figure out a way where the other party gets to cope with the illness. I'm sure a psychologist would know where to start with this.

I'm reminded of an old friend of my mothers who she looked after for a long time. The woman pretty much had every illness you'd ever heard of and had been sick for her entire lifetime. By the time she was in her fourties, she had no kidneys, her entire spine had compressed into itself, and if you could name a syndrome or a disease, she had it. She was married and had managed to have some kids (obviously this was before she get ridiculously sick). They lived in depths of Tallaght in utter poverty - she obviously couldn't get a job and her husband bounced from job to job. They were together about 30 years and having met them I had no doubt that he loved her. One day he just decided he couldn't take it any more and left. He drank himself to death in about 6 months.

The point of that being that there is often just a breaking point. If you recognise that a breaking point may come eventually, then you can work on it from the start.

CathyMoran

You never know what the future will bring, everyone will have some crisis in their life at some time and we all die eventually. it comes down to if you really love her. i know that if someone is ill it is hard to tell your feelings as you are caught between natural concern for someone and if that is love. Go with your heart!

harlem

I think if you're having doubts that you should leave before you both get in deeper and get really hurt.
Chances are, if you're having doubts or your hearts not really in it she'll sense it and it'll upset her even more.

I was in a slightly similar situation a few year ago, the guy I was in a long term relationship with had a major family problem.

At the time I had been working myself up to splitting up with him, but when this happened I felt I couldn't walk out when he needed me most.

We eventually split up 6 months later when things had calmed down for him a bit.
I felt bad enough splitting with the guy as it broke both our hearts, but what made it worse was that he turned around and told me that he knew I didn't want to be with him anymore for the past few months.

In the end I don't think I did him any favours by staying with him, in fact it stressed him more because he was dealing with his own problem then worried that things werent going right with us.

I hope you work things out

Loopy

If have been in a similiar situation OP but I was the one who was unwell and my OH went through exactly what you are now. His mother even said leave (bitch:D) but he plodded on and I have been fine for years and he is so glad he didn't leave now.

Think stongly before you make any decision's...

what2do??

[QUOTEthink how hard it is for to meet someone new and have to tell you her problems after only being with you a short while. she can not help being sick and i am sure the last thing she wants to do is cancel.][/QUOTE]

So decided tbh with my girlfriend who i have decided i really do like and now she is so hurt.
Basically she said what smares said that did i know how hard it is for her to tell me about the illness and that she hates having to cancel.
I told her i really want to be with her no matter what i would rather her cancel a night out than be on a night out with someone else but she says she is not sure what to think.Now what do i do????
Do i try convince her i want her no matter what or should i just walk away because she is thinking i am with her out of pity?????:(

AngryBadger

OP you need to be honest with yourself about your feelings before making any decision on this. Obviously is you're posting here then this IS a problem for you. The question then becomes, is this such a big problem for you that you feel you need to break-up with your gf?

It's not about whether or not you're being selfish, if you stay with this girl out of obligation you'll wind up resenting her in the long run, and that would be much worse than any short term pain you cause by breaking up ith her.

Be honest with yourself.

pinkgirl1

Why don't you just be honest with her sit her down say you were having doubts and were not sure how to cope with it but now you realise you really like her and tell her exactly how you feel about the illness.
It will put her mind at rest and then maybe you can sort and move on either way.