Issue with Work colleague

LegacyUser

I work in a small office with 3 other people, one of whom is a female. We all get along grand but lately the girl i work with has been flirting with me. This in itself would be grand normally except that she has a boyfriend. But even that aside she said something to me the other day that shocked me and really wound me up as well.

She said "I'm only with my boyfriend until someone better comes along" all the while pushing her chest out with this skimpy top on and giving me flirty looks.

Some people will say, "so wheres the problem".

Well first off all, i'm disgusted that a women would actually admit that they will rip their partner off given the right opportunity and second of all, do women actually think that most blokes would be interested in someone who thinks/behaves like this.

I've been cheated on before so its a bit of a sort point and it saddens me that some women nowadays have no problem admitting that they would cheat on their partner given the right opportunity. I know blokes will say it and actually brag about it but i sort of expect more from women.

Shes a really sound girl as well so i was really taken aback but maybe she thought i would take that as a hint to make a move. I can barely look at her now when i think of what a scheming bitch she is. Her fella probably doesn't have a clue what shes up to.

I suppose what i'm asking is ....... should i just forget about what she said, put it to the back of my mind and get on with her like we have been?

When i think about what she said, i think about my ex-girlfriend cheating on me for 2 months and it brings all those raw emotions back up. Its a tough one but i've lost a hell of a lot of respect for my work colleague now and feel slightly uncomfortable with just pretending as if she had never said anything.

Flojo

Unregforthis08 wrote: »

I work in a small office with 3 other people, one of whom is a female. We all get along grand but lately the girl i work with has been flirting with me. This in itself would be grand normally except that she has a boyfriend. But even that aside she said something to me the other day that shocked me and really wound me up as well.

She said "I'm only with my boyfriend until someone better comes along" all the while pushing her chest out with this skimpy top on and giving me flirty looks.

Some people will say, "so wheres the problem".

Well first off all, i'm disgusted that a women would actually admit that they will rip their partner off given the right opportunity and second of all, do women actually think that most blokes would be interested in someone who thinks/behaves like this.

I've been cheated on before so its a bit of a sort point and it saddens me that some women nowadays have no problem admitting that they would cheat on their partner given the right opportunity. I know blokes will say it and actually brag about it but i sort of expect more from women.

Shes a really sound girl as well so i was really taken aback but maybe she thought i would take that as a hint to make a move. I can barely look at her now when i think of what a scheming bitch she is. Her fella probably doesn't have a clue what shes up to.

I suppose what i'm asking is ....... should i just forget about what she said, put it to the back of my mind and get on with her like we have been?

When i think about what she said, i think about my ex-girlfriend cheating on me for 2 months and it brings all those raw emotions back up. Its a tough one but i've lost a hell of a lot of respect for my work colleague now and feel slightly uncomfortable with just pretending as if she had never said anything.

That was a tad sexist tbh. Think of the type of person they are not their sex...

Try to ignore what she said, if she keeps doing it and it gets worse ask her to stop and make it known it bothers you. If that does nothing then speak to your manager and she'll get a warning. If thats the last of it then happy days don't dwell on that comment, move on!

LadyE

Thats awful, what she said about only being with her boyfriend until someone better comes along...her poor boyfriend!

If she says anything like that again I would say to her how unappropriate it is..and that her boyfriend deserved better!

whose-law-anywa

Dont be insane. She sounds a bit mental. I wouldnt cross her. Charm her and flirt back. See if you can unload some of your work on to her but dont go any further. She'll soon lose interest.

elle

I think it works both ways OP like I would think it pretty pathetic if a guy came onto me by saying he was only with his girlfriend until something better comes along. Ultimate turn off! Maybe just play it cool with her, don't let her get too you too much, she will get bored if she's not getting attention. I think every office has one of those girls but they soon lose interest!

LegacyUser

The thing is ...... i think she thought that this would somehow make me interested in her. I probably should tell her what i think of her to be honest. She really needs a wake-up call. I despise people who behave like this but at the same time i work with the girl and we do get along other than this issue.

I'm afraid i might have a serious rant at her if i bring it up and it will create a bad atmosphere in the office. The other two people who work in the office weren't in the room when she made the remarks either.

I'm going to struggle to pretend that she said nothing though if i decide to leave it be and shes going to know somethings up thats how strongly i feel about it. I'm normally fairly laid back about most things but having been cheated on myself i just feel disgusted by the comments.

LegacyUser

I've met so many women down the years like this, its all i think about when i hear women preaching on the radio about how men are d*cks and its all our fault.

humanji

OP, everyone lives by their own moral code. She's got no problem with treating her boyfriend like that, and so you should leave it at that. It's not really any of your business. Just go on as things are. Don't reciprocate her flirting and she'll lose interest after a while. There's no real point making an issue out of it.

Monkey61

Lighten up. Really really do. You work in a small office and there's no point deciding that this girl is a harlot and unworthy of your bounteous good grace.

In fairness a lot of people are very flirty by nature and are like that with everyone. To be honest, I've heard people, both male and female make comments like that, often in a flirty situation. Just because she was flirting does NOT actually mean that she is in the slightest bit interested with you. We aren't (presumably) 15 anymore and do not have to take flirting so seriously.

It was terrible that you were cheated on, but that doesn't give you the right to be a moral crusader on the subject. You have absolutely no idea what the state of her and her boyfriends relationship is. For all you know, he is with her for the same reason. A lot of people are in current relationships til somebody better comes along. True a lot of people don't announce it in the office but she clearly doesn't have a problem with this.

People cheating is a fact of life. Yes I've been cheated on and it was absolutely horrendous, but I've also done it myself and I know that there can be a lot of different feelings behind it and that it doesn't make someone " a bit mental" or dangerous to cross. Cheating is awful for some people,but for others it isn't as much of a big deal.

If she actually tries it on with you, then all you have to do is tell her very firmly that you aren't interested.

LegacyUser

Well Monkey61, i've never cheated but then i only go out with people that i'm genuinly into rather than being with someone half heartedly and ****ing them over but each to their own.

chump

Monkey61 wrote: »

In fairness a lot of people are very flirty by nature and are like that with everyone. To be honest, I've heard people, both male and female make comments like that, often in a flirty situation. Just because she was flirting does NOT actually mean that she is in the slightest bit interested with you.

^^^ possibility.

You aren't with this girl, you work with her.
No big, you throw out a few hints that you aren't interested and all will go back to the way it was.

You don't have to take the girl home :pac:
She's just a colleague.

LegacyUser

To be honest, i think she is interested. Shes dropped some fairly strong hints. I suppose she could be sound and still be a bit of a headbanger as well lol. We haven't been working together that long but for a seemingly perfectly sound girl to make those comments just stunned me.

Yeah, people cheat on each other. But you'd think that people would try to hide the fact that they would consider cheating rather than admitting it. I guess i should probably just bury it and just get on with her. Shes pathetic but sure i've at least gotten it my chest on here.

ThE_IVIAcIVIAIV

i reckon you should ignore her and if things get bad take it up with the manager

Monkey61

Why is she pathetic?


You are seriously hurt from being cheated on but you cannot let it rule your life like this. In all seriousness I would suggest counselling before this becomes any more of a big deal.

You seem to be separating women into two distinct categories of pure worthy beings or whores. What will happen when you meet a girl and she dresses too provocatively for your tastes, or is naturally flirty with people she meets? Or god forbid, trusts you enough to tell you that she has once cheated on a boyfriend in the past? What if she is human??

This is your problem, not hers! The only thing she has really done wrong is become friendly with someone so painfully narrow minded. It's not your place to judge.

Yes I admit to having cheated in the past. I have never cheated on anyone I was in love with or that was in love with me. Some people believe it or not,have relationships that aren't that serious. You may not, but not everyone is like you OP. You are obviously very sheltered, but have to appreciate that the world is a lot bigger than the one in your head. Women are human, just like men.

LegacyUser

Hey Monkey, Chill out.

I'm not judging people that have cheated. This is not one of those situations when someone admits to cheating in the past. I'm the first person to admit i've done stupid things in the past and i don't judge people for what has happened in the past but shes not young girl finding her way in the world. Shes in her late 20 FFS and shes admitting that given the right opportunity, she will cheat on her boyfriend.

So i shouldn't judge a girl whos coming onto me when shes already in a relationship. Your saying that i need counselling because i have morals. I get the impression you'd be flattered if someone like her came onto you, sure you might even get stuck in, not being the judgemental type and all.

I'm off to phone a shrink

sinnerboy

I'd be pissed off at this behaviour too . Blokes ( rightly ) get frowned upon for this stuff . Bad behaviour is bad behaviour . Tell her out straight - polite but firm " I dont fancy you - sorry" . Should end it .

Loomis

Monkey61 wrote: »

.......
To be honest, I've heard people, both male and female make comments like that, often in a flirty situation. Just because she was flirting does NOT actually mean that she is in the slightest bit interested with you. We aren't (presumably) 15 anymore and do not have to take flirting so seriously.

Saying something that can be paraphrased into "I'll cheat with you if you give me the chance" is not flirting.

Monkey61 wrote: »

......
For all you know, he is with her for the same reason.
.......

Irrelevant. He knows what she is doing and has a problem with it.

Monkey61 wrote: »

People cheating is a fact of life. Yes I've been cheated on and it was absolutely horrendous, but I've also done it myself and I know that there can be a lot of different feelings behind it and that it doesn't make someone " a bit mental" or dangerous to cross. Cheating is awful for some people,but for others it isn't as much of a big deal.

That changes things quite a lot then doesn't it?
It is a big deal for him - what's your point? It's not for her so it's fine? Well and good if she wasn't trying to involve him in her cheating.

Monkey61 wrote: »

You are seriously hurt from being cheated on but you cannot let it rule your life like this. In all seriousness I would suggest counselling before this becomes any more of a big deal.

Get a grip...

Monkey61 wrote: »

You seem to be separating women into two distinct categories of pure worthy beings or whores. What will happen when you meet a girl and she dresses too provocatively for your tastes, or is naturally flirty with people she meets? Or god forbid, trusts you enough to tell you that she has once cheated on a boyfriend in the past? What if she is human??

He said nothing about whores. He hates the act of cheating. Provocative clothes? Your argument is a bit ridiculous to be honest and sparsely relevant.

Monkey61 wrote: »

Yes I admit to having cheated in the past. I have never cheated on anyone I was in love with or that was in love with me.

Again, relevance?
The way you're defending this and criticizing the OP says it all really.

sinnerboy wrote: »

I'd be pissed off at this behaviour too . Blokes ( rightly ) get frowned upon for this stuff . Bad behaviour is bad behaviour . Tell her out straight - polite but firm " I dont fancy you - sorry" . Should end it .

Good point. If a guy was doing this I can guarantee the thread would be full of female posters telling you what a **** the guy is being.

OP - carry on as normal with her. Be civil and make jokes etc. But if she starts flirting ignore it. If she makes comments like "I''m waiting for something better to come along" again then ignore it. She'll either persist with more obvious comments or stop altogether. If she continues then tell her she's out of line. If she stops then all well and good.

wasper

Unregforthis08 wrote: »

I work in a small office with 3 other people, one of whom is a female. We all get along grand but lately the girl i work with has been flirting with me. This in itself would be grand normally except that she has a boyfriend. But even that aside she said something to me the other day that shocked me and really wound me up as well.

She said "I'm only with my boyfriend until someone better comes along" all the while pushing her chest out with this skimpy top on and giving me flirty looks.

Some people will say, "so wheres the problem".

Well first off all, i'm disgusted that a women would actually admit that they will rip their partner off given the right opportunity and second of all, do women actually think that most blokes would be interested in someone who thinks/behaves like this.

I've been cheated on before so its a bit of a sort point and it saddens me that some women nowadays have no problem admitting that they would cheat on their partner given the right opportunity. I know blokes will say it and actually brag about it but i sort of expect more from women.

Shes a really sound girl as well so i was really taken aback but maybe she thought i would take that as a hint to make a move. I can barely look at her now when i think of what a scheming bitch she is. Her fella probably doesn't have a clue what shes up to.

I suppose what i'm asking is ....... should i just forget about what she said, put it to the back of my mind and get on with her like we have been?

When i think about what she said, i think about my ex-girlfriend cheating on me for 2 months and it brings all those raw emotions back up. Its a tough one but i've lost a hell of a lot of respect for my work colleague now and feel slightly uncomfortable with just pretending as if she had never said anything.

I will be the devil's advocate here.
If you are single then go for it. Don't pontificate about her attitude. Whether you will oblige her or not she has made up her mind to cheat on BF. So sleep with once & then make some excuse about how it's bad for morale to be mixing business with pleasure.

hussey

Unregforthis08 wrote: »

I suppose what i'm asking is ....... should i just forget about what she said, put it to the back of my mind and get on with her like we have been?

When i think about what she said, i think about my ex-girlfriend cheating on me for 2 months and it brings all those raw emotions back up. Its a tough one but i've lost a hell of a lot of respect for my work colleague now and feel slightly uncomfortable with just pretending as if she had never said anything.

At the end of teh day she is a work colleague, move on. She is not your ex, so don't compare, you need to grow a thicker skin if this sort of stuff gets to you

Ishindar

her attitude is pretty common in men and women of her age imho.

St Bill

OP, so you've had two bad experiences with women. You're placing far too much importance on what happened in the office. All it takes is for you to say 'I'm not interested', and if it happens again, tell her you'll report her to HR for harrassment if it's worrying you that much.
And to answer one of your questions....no not all women think that men find that sort of behaviour attractive. I think you're getting a lot of peoples backs up because you seem to have an issue with women (your initial post carries that tone, whether you wanted it to or not). You're going to meet a lot of people (male and female) who don't act way the way you think they should. Get used to it.

Monkey61

Okay the only reason I suggested counselling is because the OP is clearly very damaged from being cheated on and in situations like that it can be a very dangerous thing for future relationships if one holds onto these feelings. Posts on this forum for instance are constantly popping up about people in relationships who are tormented by trust issues due to being cheated on in the past.

I personally hear alarm bells ringing when people are throwing out words like "pathetic" and "disgusting" to describe some harmless flirting. I think the fact that the OP got so fired up by such a situation and had to take it to a forum to vent, shows a lot of unsolved issues with women directly relating to being cheated on.

I also had a problem with the Op specifically judging the woman because he expects more from women! I take issue with the fact that we are judged differently to men in situations like this. It's silly.

I'm also slightly alarmed that anyone would suggest running to the management and lodging formal complaints over a bit of flirting. Anyway, I shall retire from this before the judgements become even more biblical.

Loomis

Monkey61 wrote: »

I'm also slightly alarmed that anyone would suggest running to the management and lodging formal complaints over a bit of flirting. Anyway, I shall retire from this before the judgements become even more biblical.

If a guy kept cracking onto a girl who didn't appreciate it she would be told to bring it to the attention of the management. You wouldn't suggest that?
And the point was made that if she continues after he tells her to cut it out then go to management. Can't really see why you would be against this.

sinnerboy

wasper wrote: »

I will be the devil's advocate here.
If you are single then go for it. Don't pontificate about her attitude. Whether you will oblige her or not she has made up her mind to cheat on BF. So sleep with once & then make some excuse about how it's bad for morale to be mixing business with pleasure.

Appalling advice . I think the OP has indicated he has more self respect and respect for others than that .

LegacyUser

I suppose the reason i was a bit shocked by her comments was because i've never actually heard a women admit that she would cheat on her boyfriend but i've heard it said many times by blokes. But some blokes think its cool to brag about these things for whatever reason. Infact i fell out with a mate over him cheating on his now ex girlfriend although we've since buried the hatchet. I suppose its a sign of the times we live in and maybe i'm a bit old fashioned but in no way am i damaged because of being cheated on. I've long since moved on from that relationship.

In my opinion the people who cheat and then try to justify it are the ones with issues. I've known plenty of people over the years who don't accept responsibility for their actions when they cheat. They will blame their partner, the dog, the price of milk, rather face up to the fact that they are a-holes who treat people like crap.

LegacyUser

Also, i don't think i need to grow a thicker skin. If she came onto me the pub some night having had a few drinks i'd just politely tell her i'm not interested and i'd let it go. Its a bit different though when she's admitting to me that shes up for cheating. If this was said to me outside of work it would be easy to just blank the person and leave it at that but its a bit different when your working with the person day in day out and having to pretend that everythings hunkydory but having read the comments and having thought about it i'm going to to leave it be for he sake of office harmony.

Semele

Mr. Anderson wrote: »

If a guy kept cracking onto a girl who didn't appreciate it she would be told to bring it to the attention of the management. You wouldn't suggest that?
And the point was made that if she continues after he tells her to cut it out then go to management. Can't really see why you would be against this.

In fairness I don't think Monkey61 said this at all!!! I would also think it ludicrous if a grown man or woman complained to their manager about the flirtatious manner of someone they worked with unless they had brought it up with the person in question first- if the OP feels that uncomfortable with this woman then he should let her know politely that he's not interested. I really doubt that she is some lecherous sexual predator that management need to know about in order to protect the virtue of their other employees. It was the current situation Monkey61 was speaking of- she said nothing about the hypothetical and unlikely event that the girl would for some bizzarre reason persist in her flirting once she knew the guy wasn't interested.

Keep in mind that according to the OP this girl hasn't a clue how he feels about her- as far as she is concerned they get on great! Of course she has no reason to suspect that he doesn't like her behaviour, he hasn't done anything to indicate this to her. We also have only the OP's opinion that the comment that caused sooo much offence was said in an intentionally flirtatious way. Might it not perhaps be the case that the girl was merely commenting on a fact to a fellow employee she considers herself to be on friendly terms with? We know nothing about the context in which this was said. It might be a rather poor choice of phrasing but there's nothing wrong with someone admitting that the person they are with is not the love of their life. Some people are just together because they have fun- there's nothing immoral about that. I think the presumption everyone is making that her boyfriend is a clueless innocent requires a bigger leap of faith than giving her the benefit of the doubt does. He probably feels the same about her!

My perception of the situation is:
- Naturally flirty girl, gets on grand with OP and doesn't know that he finds anything weird about her behaviour- nor is there objectively speaking btw.
- Makes innocently meant comment in unknown context- could have been talking about respective relationships at the time.
- OP interprets comment as a proposition in light of a combination of factors: her naturally flirtatious manner, the fact that he has been taking it personally for some time, his previous experience with his girlfriend that has made him perhaps more paranoid than he would have been before, his rather puritanical views on appropriate behaviour for women...and goes rather alarmingly mental, in my opinion.

I notice, reading the other replies, that a lot of other people are inclined to the same views as Monkey61...its just that the anti-woman brigade shout the loudest.

I think the OP's attitudes to female behaviour are outdated and quite offensive. I don't necessarily find this alarming though, more just irritating. What I do find alarming is the anger he is displaying in the face of a woman daring to act contrary to what he thinks acceptable. This girl has done nothing that should make him angry, regardless of what his moral stance is. His anger is with his cheating ex, and it's because of this that it has been suggested that he should maybe have counselling to help him free himself from this anger. I think it an entirely valid point to wonder that if the OP can be riled into such a state of anger by the remark a mere acquaintance, what might he be like if he has more invested in the person? What happens if he doesn't like a new girlfriends behaviour? I don't think that this an irrelevant thing to say. If anything, it was said as well-meant advice, not criticism. The OP has little chance of being happy in any new relationship if he doesn't lose his baggage.

What I find usual is that men who hold these views about women ideally being modest, etc, are also inclined to speak with respect about women. I find the discrepancy between the OP's idealisation of women and the venom and disgust with which he speaks of this girl indicative of deeper issues. The fact that he can say in the same post that she is both "a seemingly perfectly sound girl" and "pathetic" shows that he has severe issues in dealing with shades of grey. People are human- they are not either always good or bad. The OP, in reacting with such anger to an ambiguous situation, is obviously deeply uncomfortable with anything that is not morally easy. This is not normal and I think OP that you would be a lot happier if you explored the reasons for this before it affects your life in a considerably more major way than this.

vorbis

I'd disagree completely Semele.

The girl made a comment that I would find pretty bad whether it came from a man or a woman. Its severly insulting to her bf and would be a huge turn off to me. Ffs how could someone call that flirting? I've never heard anyone say anything like that ever.

Ignore the bitch OP, its not worth being friendly with people like that.

LegacyUser

Jesus, some of you are really going off the deep end regarding what you think my mental state is based on a previous relationship. Yes, i was deeply hurt when my ex girlfriend cheated on me but i've always held the view that cheating is bang out of order. I find it amazing that because i have strong morals and beliefs on how people should be treated, i'm being told i'm not mentally stable or have serious issues which need to be delt with. Thats complete nonesense.

Semele

vorbis wrote: »

Ffs how could someone call that flirting?

I agree, that's why I don't think her behaviour was intended to be flirtatious. She might have a naturally flirtatious manner but I don't think there was the intent behind the comment that the OP thought.

St Bill

Quote Vorbis : 'Ignore the bitch OP, its not worth being friendly with people like that.'

Well, ignoring the 'bitch' (your charming expression, not mine) hasn't really done him any favours so far.