What can I do?

newark

Hello,

I was dating my gf for about 8 months until we broke up recently. We are both in our mid 30's and she has 2 children from a previous marriage. She told me pretty early on about the marriage and the fact that she was physically abused within it. She was married at 19 and separated at 24 and is now divorced. It sounded like a tough time for her and she was pretty honest and upfront about it. She also had problems before that with her mother - she had a cold relationship with her mother relating to an incident that occurred when she was in her early teens. She also always suspected that she was an unwanted child as her other siblings are a lot younger than her. She said her mother had told her this.

The effects that these events had on her could be seen quite clearly in our relationship. She couldn’t see them but I could. She could be very confrontational on minor issues and had a temper which she openly acknowledged. She tended to over dramatise every day occurrences and also tended to blame others for any failures in her life. She had a number of failed relationships before ours which she says were ended because her ex bf’s suffered from the green eyed monster. She is a very attractive woman and when we went out always attracted a lot of attention which I was quite proud off although I think it annoyed her that I wasn’t bothered. She also had managed to fall out with close friends and other family members apart from her mum. She was sensitive to criticism and could be emotionally cold. Even her 2 kids commented on the fact that she tended to exaggerate stories when relating them to other people.

At the beginning of our time together I was happy to work through the issues putting it down to just someone with a more high maintenance personality but as time went on he effects began to take their toll. At the same time she could be capable of the most wonderful and generous moments and gestures, she was very giving and always willing to turn a favour if you needed it. I guess what I found difficult were her demands on my time and arguments over small petty niggling things that usually meant not talking for a couple of days. It was trying but I guess I didn’t see the relationship between her early life experiences and how it shaped her personality. Maybe there is no relationship between the two as I am not really qualified to assess it. I did love her though and really admired the way against all the odds she managed to bring up 2 wonderful kids while holding down a full time job with no real family support behind her. She told me she loved me too but she demanded total trust even on the smallest things. For example if I met an ex while I was out she expected me to tell her as she said she wanted no secrets even small ones. When I did it would cause some awkward silences.

I don’t really know where I'm going with this - sorry if it is a bit disjointed but what i need to know if anyone is interested in commenting is

1. Should I forget about her and move on?
2. Am I jumping to conclusions about the effect her early life had on her and how it relates to her now?
3. Is there any way I can gently advise her that maybe she has not fully confronted the demons of her past?
4. Can she ever be fully happy if she doesn’t confront the past?

Any advice would be really appreciated.

And thanks for reading this long rather rambling message.

BroomBurner

This might sound a little harsh, but you're better off without her. By the sounds of her actions, she is an attention seeker and has yet to grown up and start behaving like an adult. I wonder did the ex that abused her have a history of abusing women, or was she the only one?

Some people get stuck in the child mentality of always getting what they want and blaming everyone for their problems. It's classic immaturity. You're better off out of it.

If you really really want to still be with her, then tell her it is on condition of her going in to counselling.

Karen_*

You can't 'fix' this woman. She can only fix herself and yes she will only really be happy when she addresses her issues and does something about them. None of us have had it easy and there are loads of things that can shape who we are but we do have choices. Let the past affect us and other people or consciously try to learn from things and to not carry baggage forward. Everyone has issues but you can't help someone who won't help themselves or does not even see that they have problems. Move on would be my advice. You sound like a lovely man and you'll be a great partner but not social worker.

newark

BB - she married her husband when they were both only 19 so I assume he had no history before that. Perhaps afterwards. But in fairness to her that was a really tough time for her and also the way he treated the children afterwards.They told me some stories and it is something no child should have to go through.

Maybe that is what is motivating me to help her now - the fact that she had those really tough times and maybe does not know how to deal with them. But like Karen said I am not a social worker. And I dont mean to paint myself as some sort of angel figure either, as I am far from it. I guess I just want to put my arms around her and tell her everything will be ok if she confronts the issues. Everybody deservers to be loved as a child and I feel she never got that.

How Strange

newark wrote: »

BB - she married her husband when they were both only 19 so I assume he had no history before that. Perhaps afterwards. But in fairness to her that was a really tough time for her and also the way he treated the children afterwards.They told me some stories and it is something no child should have to go through.

Maybe that is what is motivating me to help her now - the fact that she had those really tough times and maybe does not know how to deal with them. But like Karen said I am not a social worker. And I dont mean to paint myself as some sort of angel figure either, as I am far from it. I guess I just want to put my arms around her and tell her everything will be ok if she confronts the issues. Everybody deservers to be loved as a child and I feel she never got that.

IMO, these aren't reasons to be in a relationship with someone. You're assuming the role of protector but you should be on an equal footing.
All the problems you listed in your first post will reoccur if you got back together and you broke up for those reasons.

Your ex is responsible for her own life, her own hangups and her own insecurities and she's the only one responsible for working through them.

If you don't mind me saying, your reasons for wanting to get back with her are alittle patrionising too. You're romanticising everything and you've created this image of a damaged madonna who doesn't exist.

newark

Thanks HS - I dont mind you saying so I dont have any thoughs of getting back into the relationship but I know I will meet her again (same social circle) soon so I was wondering if I could give her some gentle advice or just leave her be and as you said let her work out her own problems

I know speaking from experience that even though you dont like to hear the cold truth of your flaws from other people it can be a positive in the long run.I suppose it depends how you choose to take it. What is bugging me is that she may go into one relationship after another carrying on the same way and no one will point out these issues to her. She obviously doesnt see them as problems herself so I suppose in a way she might be happy as she is.

How Strange

newark wrote: »

Thanks HS - I dont mind you saying so I dont have any thoughs of getting back into the relationship but I know I will meet her again (same social circle) soon so I was wondering if I could give her some gentle advice or just leave her be and as you said let her work out her own problems

I know speaking from experience that even though you dont like to hear the cold truth of your flaws from other people it can be a positive in the long run.I suppose it depends how you choose to take it. What is bugging me is that she may go into one relationship after another carrying on the same way and no one will point out these issues to her. She obviously doesnt see them as problems herself so I suppose in a way she might be happy as she is.

But you said she doesn't take criticism very well
I'd leave it alone, it doesn't sound like she's the sort of person to take criticism on board and try to learn from it.

I'm sure she's a fabulous person and is a great mother to her children but that doesn't mean she's perfect or without flaws.

I think it's up to her to address her insecurities and problems and while your intentions are good I'd say they will fall on deaf ears.

LegacyUser

newark wrote: »

She obviously doesnt see them as problems herself so I suppose in a way she might be happy as she is.

I think you may have hit the nail on the proverbial there. I went out with someone not so long ago with very similar circumstances and symptoms. She was though the last of the children and it was when times were hard so it may not have escaped her (actually in fact,she told me) that she was a little surplus. It was a difficult situation for the family as the dad had to leave Ireland for work.

Anyway she didn't really have much experience in the way of relationships before she met me. We were about the same age (late 30s) but she would be quite childish when it came to an argument. Extremely defensive and blind. Would exagerate too and make up a few things to validate her position. Would give me cold shoulder for days over something small. Would walk out of a pub or room if she got moody. Very sensitive to criticism. I would say all in all she was emotionally immature. Now like the op said I'm no angel either, in fact I would say I'm fairly immature too (well to a point) but I wouldn't let things boil for days without addressing and would try and sort things out rationally and with listening to the other person (something which she refused to do).

She was fairly reluctant to show affection anywhere. I know I'm painting a very bad picture here and I suppose I should have read the signs but she was a terrific girl in other ways actuall prob in most other ways and I loved her so it's would you believe still a little tough at times on me. It's being about 7 months now but I know in my heart of hearts that we could never be in a relationship again. I honestly believe that she enjoys her own company too much and upsetting that balance is just not on. But it took me about 3-4 months to actually sieve that one out. Anyway I hope that this helps in some way!

My point I suppose is that I would jump back to her if she could sort out certain things but i know that that's never going to happen partly because I don't think she see the issues. So that for me is game over. I think that if someone has issues and acknowledges them and attempts to make good then it's not a barrier.