To be or not to be ..a friend

LegacyUser

Hi

Just some advice needed please. Particularly from the ladies please

Met Mary in a pub in Cork city centre and got chatting with her for a long period of time. We got on well, exchanged numbers.

Anyway emailed and texted each other a little bit. She seemed keen to meet up, so we then went out on a date.

We met for drinks, then went to film and then some drinks after. I felt like we got on really well, there was never a lull in the conversation and we seemed to be very comfortable in each others company.

Although she has a very strong Cork accent…which is not always easy for us Dubs to understand

No ‘moves’ were made by myself- cause I would be little bit shy and also I thought for first date you should play it cool anyway.

When I dropped her off at the taxi- there was a peck on the cheek and general talk of meeting again. I sent her text at end of night saying nighty night and then that it would be good if we could meet up again if she wanted.

Next night she sent me email, saying she enjoyed the night, and saying she would like to be friends and would like to meet up again very soon. I said yeah, a second date would be great when would suit etc. Then she emailed again saying that when she has an evening off (she works evenings) work, then we could meet up. As part of the email she again mentioned briefly about being friends.

Now I’m not a thick….I know that ‘being friends’ is generally a euphemism for saying I’m not interested. But why the eagerness to see each other again?

Is she just letting me down gently, and she has no intention in meeting up again (she seems very nice, and I guess the sort of person who would try to be very polite in such situations).

We got on well….and I know that sometimes I can be decent company (sorry no matter how I word that, it is going to sound very big-headed :0), so could she just want to be in my company again?

Or (in the best case, most optimistic scenario for me ) is there any chance because I made absolutely no move on her during the date, that she felt that I only seemed to be wanting a platonic thing?

Now I don’t know this woman very well…but she is defo the sort of person I could see myself really fancying down the road. So while I don’t mind meeting up as ‘friends’ I would kind off worry for my own sake in the future that it might become messy.

So what to do…..will I delete her number, contact to organise a second date ‘as friends’, meet up again and just go with the flow or just let it drop and let her do the emailing and contacting?

Cheers one and all for any advice,

I’m 32 btw, I think she is about 3 or fours years younger.
And I am useless in the whole artistry (or hand to hand combat ) of the ‘dating scene’.

Dinxminx

Hmmm. The "just friends" thing is suspect, but then again maybe she's protecting herself because she' doesn't think you're interested?

I say make a move. Try to kiss her; at the very least you'll get your answer!

Karen_*

Go on the second date and see how it pans out. Give her a kiss at the end of it and then make plans for a third. Don't over analyse what she's saying. It could have been her way of asking for a date without being too forward or showing her hand.

LegacyUser

Thanks for advice- I am probably reading way to much into short emails.

It just seems slightly mixed messages- mentioning being 'friends' twice- but at the same time wanting to meet again.

I think I will meet up with her again anyway just to see what happens...........

Go-Go-Gadget

she probably thinks your not interested because u didnt make any moves.

STUBBORNGIRL

hey op I think that if this girl wasnt interested she wouldnt have bothered texting you at all! If i met a guy in a pub on a night out and was texting him the next day you can be sure its not friends i would want to be

Go for it what have you to lose! you will only know her intentions after the first date. If it is a case that she really just wants to be friends then this is a decision you are going to have to make yourself judging on how attracted to her you are!!!

Good luck and let us know how the date goes!!!

sinnerboy

+1 .

Go with the flow . And have fun . Get used to the accent . No one can say "just friends" after 1 date . Well they can SAY it but feelings can develop - over time .

A girl friend ( not romantic) of mine had a bad break up and dated a "rebound" guy . She told him he was a "rebound" , "stop gap" , "in betweener" .

She married him . ( After a couple years mind )

She doesn't call him "rebound" any more .....

sunnyside

I think she does want to be more than friends but using the word "friends" is easier/more polite/less forward than saying "I want to be your girlfriend".

When arranging to meet don't say use the word "friend" or the word "date". Just arrange to meet her at a certain time in a certain place and leave it at that.

And try kissing her goodnight next time.

Don't think about it too much.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for advice guys- especially the ladies:)

I love the way advice is to the point and exact in this fourm- it tends to be more long winded and less exact with real life mates

yeah I think it prob good idea to meet up with her again....on the date itself she showed no interest in it ending and wanted to stay out as late as possible with me.. and she was very interested in me, my job, family etc.....so I am guessing she must have been enjoying herself......

My only worry was with the exact phrasing of being 'friends' because that tends to mean finding the personal socially attractive but maybe not physically etc..ie no spark. and it also tends to be a way of letting a guy/girl down gently?

anyway she seems to want to meet up again...even if it just as friends so sure I will give it a whirl..she is very good company anyway so it prob be an enjoyable evening either way............

I prob should be a tad more flirty etc on the second meeting- any hints and tips of doing that in terms of when best to make a physical move? (sound like a teenage idiot with that question :@...but like most Irish people 'dating' is not something I do all that often....relationships tend to happen more haphazordly than that )

I always find it a lil difficult- because I dont like infringing on a womans space etc, and I would be concerned about coming across as sleazy etc...especially after her mentioning being 'friends'.

B00MSTICK

Ya, kiss on the lips as opposed to cheek next time, judge reaction accordingly.

Good Luck

xoxkellyxox

B00MSTICK wrote: »

Ya, kiss on the lips as opposed to cheek next time, judge reaction accordingly.

Good Luck

Uh huh or.... try touching her arm when you;ve made a joke and shes laughing if she looks uncomfortable she will move away .
x

Liam Byrne

Crikey! They must breed some strange ones in Cork......!

Many people don't know what to call "seeing someone" of "friends with benefits" or "hook ups" or even "let's see how it goes" but if someone keeps saying explicitly "friends" (or even one I got recently - "stay friends", accompanied by "sure we might hook up again sometime", you can be sure there's something up.....in my case her Bebo page saying "seeing someone" was a bit of a giveaway that I hadn't quite heard the full story...... :rolleyes: )

ElvisP

Dinxminx wrote: »

Hmmm. The "just friends" thing is suspect, but then again maybe she's protecting herself because she' doesn't think you're interested?

I say make a move. Try to kiss her; at the very least you'll get your answer!

i'd go with DM. make a move and you'll know either way. no point in living your life in a 'i wonder what would've...' way

she may have gotten mixed signals from you. in my experience (and i'm leaving myself wide open here) women tend to like a guy who knows what he wants and is decisive about it. whats the worst that can happen?

1. she says 'sorry. i'm very flattered but i'm not interested in you in that way
2. jiggy jiggy
3. you make a decent mate of the opposite s*x who will introduce you to her mates and sing your praises

1 = bummer
2 = result
3 = future result

STUBBORNGIRL

Well dont pounce on her anyway- (yes a guy did this to me on our first date - i nearly died. He said "RIGHT IM JUST GOING TO DO THIS" about 5mins into the film then lunged on me like a washing machine! YEUCH!!! ! I still dont know what the film was about) Was not impressed - needless to say i didnt accept date 2!!!

So, you just kiss her when the moment is right - there will be that little awkward silence for a minute beforehand but then go in for the kill! GENTLY!! She should welcome it! you could even say - would you mind if i kissed you? but def suss out the situation beforehand! And remember DO NOT POUNCE!

Enjoy it! and Good luck

I miss going on Dates- going through a bit of a famine lately!

tbh

deffo meet her again, maybe it won't work out between you, but maybe she has a hot friend who's more..."you". Good luck.

lemon_of_old

Maybe because you didn't make a move at the end of the date she's confused herself, and is referring to the two of you being friends as a way of testing your reaction. Maybe she's hoping you'll say you hope you want to be more than friends. If I was in her position, I think I'd be confused too. A peck on the cheek is hard to read.

Aurora Borealis

Anyone I've gone out with I assessed in friend terms first.

Go for second date and plant a prolonged kiss on her cheek and see what the vibe is then. Having gone on a date she will not be insulted if you interpret your second meeting as such as well. Well I certainly wouldn't be anyway and I'm the same age bracket. So either way things get cleared up and she gets complimented.

Hope it goes well!

LegacyUser

wow guys- everyone here seems more optimistic than I am

I would just think 'friends' would mean not interested...but you have all given me some glimmer of hope...

I was thinking back about the first date...and I literally did not make any physical flirt or attempt to do so at all (no touching at all). I kind of planned it that way...wanted to be gentleman etc...but maybe I was a little too gentle We got on great etc, but maybe she is confused about my 'intentions'.

anyways I will defo meet her again....and try and be a little more 'proactive'.

If she shoots me down, so be it...she seems a very decent sort, so I am guessing she would do it while not making me feel like an idiot

This is the problem with emailing/texting don't you think...you can read so much into just one word, like professors write Phd's about one sentence written by Joyce

madziuda

And I thought it's only us, women, who analyse and overanalyse every single word that our date texts our way! Must say it's pretty reassuring that you agonize over this sort of things just as much as we do!

As for your case, OP, I'd say Mary's trying to protect herself and suss you out. Listen, she has already made a huge step and was the first to suggest meeting up again. In the stupid day and age when women who make the first step are considered too forward and 'easy' this means she has made herself vulnerable. So, to protect herself and, at the same time, let you know she's not too pushy or clingy (and thus not send you running for the hills ) she slippped in the 'friends' remark.

Of course I don't know her and can't be sure if that's really the real reason, but that's something I'd definitely do if I were her!

And the lack of any moves made on your part might be an issue too. How's she supposed to know you're into her that way? You're underestimating the extent of female insecurities in this respect !

Next time, if you're shy and don't want to go for the lips immediately, kiss her on the chin and give her a prolonged hug, then, before letting her go lean back a little and look at her face - her look after a hug like that will tell you whether she'd welcome a kiss on the lips or not

Good luck OP, hope it all works out for you and Mary!

xoxkellyxox

i know u posted this wuite a while ago now..
so have you seen her..
How'd it go..
let us know lol!
x

LegacyUser

nOTHING to REPORT YET- meeting her sometime this/next week...if it all goes wrong I'll blame all of yous

LegacyUser

have not met her yet- 2nd date/meeting should be this week or maybe next depending on both our work times....gona be more pro active in my flirting etc in this 'date' after taking the advice on this thread to heart:)

so if it all blows up in my face then I will be blaiming all of you:)

...only messin thanks for all the advice here ...especially from the ladies who posted.

LegacyUser

Hi again (only makes sense if you read OP).

Nothing much to report- in last week and half or so we have not been able to meet up because of work and I was away etc. We have been texting and emailing each other...but it does seem more friendly and jovial rather than flirty.....

anyway cant meet up this week cause she is working evening shifts in her bank, but she did invite me to a play she is going to this week- I am guessing she is going with friends (although she did not say in text and she is hardly going on her own) and she just asked me to tag along.

should I go? Not all that interested in the rather expsensive play- and I dont really think I could make a 'move' on her that night......and also is this not the actions of someone who just wants to be friends..and I will prob embaress myself in front of her and her mates...


I could hold off to meet her on her own- but cause of work etc- it seems that wont happen until late next week at the earliest....

I am a pretty grown up adult (although you would doubt it reading my posts:)) and I have a lot of important and exciting stuff going on in my career right at this mo and there is also another woman who has just reentered my life again who I am getting on with...but this Cork woman I do not know all that well is constantly on my mind, I really did like her on the date...maybe its more ego thing than anything else...just wanting to know does she 'like' me.

anyway should I go to the play this week, which most probably be in company with her mates who I do not know...or hold out to later drink on our own?.....which at this rate may or may not happen:(

thanks

PS Lurking around this place a bit..I know 'just do it' is the usual advice its probably the correct one...but in real life do all these boardsies actually live so recklessly/bravely?

Nead21

sinnerboy wrote: »

+1 .

A girl friend ( not romantic) of mine had a bad break up and dated a "rebound" guy . She told him he was a "rebound" , "stop gap" , "in betweener" .

She married him . ( After a couple years mind )

She doesn't call him "rebound" any more .....

same as me.....he was my "step up from random guy"
year and a half later we're living together....

Nead21

Corkresident wrote: »

Hi again (only makes sense if you read OP).
anyway should I go to the play this week, which most probably be in company with her mates who I do not know...or hold out to later drink on our own?.....which at this rate may or may not happen:(
so recklessly/bravely?

i think you should go....she might be getting her mates to suss you out.

Amtmann

Corkresident wrote: »

Hi again (only makes sense if you read OP).

Nothing much to report- in last week and half or so we have not been able to meet up because of work and I was away etc. We have been texting and emailing each other...but it does seem more friendly and jovial rather than flirty.....

anyway cant meet up this week cause she is working evening shifts in her bank, but she did invite me to a play she is going to this week- I am guessing she is going with friends (although she did not say in text and she is hardly going on her own) and she just asked me to tag along.

should I go? Not all that interested in the rather expsensive play- and I dont really think I could make a 'move' on her that night......and also is this not the actions of someone who just wants to be friends..and I will prob embaress myself in front of her and her mates...


I could hold off to meet her on her own- but cause of work etc- it seems that wont happen until late next week at the earliest....


anyway should I go to the play this week, which most probably be in company with her mates who I do not know...or hold out to later drink on our own?.....which at this rate may or may not happen:(

thanks

PS Lurking around this place a bit..I know 'just do it' is the usual advice its probably the correct one...but in real life do all these boardsies actually live so recklessly/bravely?

I wouldn't go to the play. It's not a date, and you won't be able to further develop your relationship with her that evening. It sounds like she has a fairly messed up attitude to dating; or, maybe when she said "friends", that's precisely what she meant.

I would call her (not text) and say something along the lines of "Hi Mary, look I'm just calling to say I'd love to take you out again soon, just the two of us. I think you're really cute and I fancy ya like crazy after our first date. So there it is! Whadaya say?!"

I mean, don't say any of that in a serious, grave or overly intense tone; rather, say it happily, tongue-in-cheek. You'll get your answer.

Tagging along with her friends to see a play on a second date sucks.

Amtmann

Nead21 wrote: »

i think you should go....she might be getting her mates to suss you out.

But why? Why can't she just be an adult and meet up with him for a drink for a second time? I don't think she's getting her friends to suss him out at all to be honest. I think she has a weird attitude to dating, or might just want a male friend. Either way, it's a lousy suggestion on her part, and I don't think he should go.

He should say to himself either she wants to meet me again alone for a second date, or she doesn't. Simple as.

OP, I'm sorry to say this, but I think you're wasting your time. I could be wrong, but the signals are there.

Gyalist

Did you ask her directly who else was going to be there at the play? If it's a group of her friends I wouldn't go. That's not being anti-social but because you've only met her, at most, three times there's no rush to meet her friends.

Amtmann

Corkresident wrote: »

PS Lurking around this place a bit..I know 'just do it' is the usual advice its probably the correct one...but in real life do all these boardsies actually live so recklessly/bravely?

When it comes to dating, I'm extremely forward and blunt, but in a nice way. Works for me!

LegacyUser

Did not ask her directly whether her friends will be there...but I would be almost 100 per cent sure somebody will- shes hardly going on her own.

she said I would be very welcome to go and to let her know either way-obvioulsy i would have ot get ticket etc

dont know....would a woman be so interested in having a platonic male mate that she would keep on texting him after a date (people do like my company and I my work is fairly interesting- sorry that sounds very big headed :0).....I've done nothing to really show her I'm interested in it being a little more than that apart from texting as well- and suggesting meeting up.

I think the play might be a bit ackward ok- and would probably defeintly consigned me to the 'mates' section of her life if I go......

but if i go and 'make a move' (i really really hate that phrase sorry it sounds like i'm 13 )
then I will know either way- and I can get back concentrating on other work related things I have going on in my life right at this mo- that are quite important.

should I stay or should I go.......:)

Amtmann

Corkresident wrote: »

Did not ask her directly whether her friends will be there...but I would be almost 100 per cent sure somebody will- shes hardly going on her own.

she said I would be very welcome to go and to let her know either way-obvioulsy i would have ot get ticket etc

dont know....would a woman be so interested in having a platonic male mate that she would keep on texting him after a date (people do like my company and I my work is fairly interesting- sorry that sounds very big headed :0).....I've done nothing to really show her I'm interested in it being a little more than that apart from texting as well- and suggesting meeting up.

I think the play might be a bit ackward ok- and would probably defeintly consigned me to the 'mates' section of her life if I go......

but if i go and 'make a move' (i really really hate that phrase sorry it sounds like i'm 13 )
then I will know either way- and I can get back concentrating on other work related things I have going on in my life right at this mo- that are quite important.

should I stay or should I go.......:)

Look mate, just ring her like I said and cut out the second guessing. You're not a teenager! Good luck, let us know how the phone call goes.

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

Gyalist

You'll have to proactively lead the interaction in the direction that you want it to go. If you wait for a woman to do that you'll be waiting for a long time.

Just invite her out somewhere where the two of you can carry on from where you left off the last time.

From your posts you seem passionate and excited about your job. So much so that you seem to mention it in nearly every post. However, try to steer clear of talking about your job to her - unless of course, she asks. Even then just mention it in passing. You're not a one-dimensional character whose only validation is his job so make sure you don't give that impression. What can seem exciting about your job to you is often just plain boring to anyone else. Jus' sayin'.

Edit: Like Furet said, you have to do this by phone.