I kissed another man

LegacyUser

Hey.

I did, i kissed another man. and i now feel so guilty i might die.

In my defence (even though i dont deserve a defence) actually he kissed me but i didnt resist.

I have been going through some really rough stuff the past year and myself and the OH have been drifting apart. we are still best friends and all that, and i do love him. This was a moment of stupidity where i was confirming that i was still attractive, and not broken in some way.

things have since improved radically with the OH because i have figured out, because of this kiss, that he is the one i want and love.

Also my confidence and personality has returned.... looking back i think i was actually depressed for several months coming up to this incident

all of that being said. i feel so guilty for kissing someone else and i dont know if i should tell him?

any advice would help me at this stage!!!

Adam

My advice? Don't tell him.

Nalz

Its a real tough one because it might eat away at you if you dont, or could cause lots of damage if you do...

Honestly from experience I wouldnt say anything and deal with it. Its dishonest but it is for the greater good. As long as you realize your mistake and wont do it again...then your better off keeping it to yourself, or more to the point keeping it to nobody and let it slide.

Some may think thats the cowards way, but sometimes the coward is right

PeakOutput

he deserves you know but i doubt you will tell him as you probably know he will dump you

Adam

PeakOutput wrote: »

he deserves you know but i doubt you will tell him as you probably know he will dump you

That's a bit harsh.

Redpunto

Don't tell him, he will never forget it and your relationship will not be the same after. Move on and never do it again

challengemaster

Personally, I'm normally for being completly honest with your partner, and if something like this happened.. tell them, and let them decide what happens.

However I think if you're completly re-assured, that he's the only one for you.. then you're lucky, and not to tell him.

A lot of people decide in relationships that they're not satisfied, not sure, or want to see what it's like being single again, etc etc. They break up, and try it out, find out that what they had was the best thing in the world, and are broken hearted when they find out the other person doesn't want them back and they're now screwed over. You've really, just gotten this chance in one kiss. What you did was a bit ****ty to do, and yes you'll probably still feel guilty for some time to come, but if it was what you needed to re-assure yourself that this is ''it'' - don't go and do something stupid and ruin it now, when you're sure.

That, will devestate you.

biko

By telling I think you're going to make things worse again.
Leave it behind you and concentrate on your current relationship.
*it was only a kiss* as the Killers sang

Zombrex

feel like crap wrote: »

I have been going through some really rough stuff the past year and myself and the OH have been drifting apart. we are still best friends and all that, and i do love him. This was a moment of stupidity where i was confirming that i was still attractive, and not broken in some way.

Tell him. Say what you are saying here, that you are dealing with a lot of issues and depression and that it was your fault and a stupid thing to do but that you are trying really hard to work through your problems.

Tell him that you love him and ask him to forgive you and stick with you and that you are going to try and make things better.

If he does he does, if he doesn't then there is a lesson in there for you that how you dealt with your issues before isn't the correct way.

Don't though tell him you were "confirming I was still attractive", that just sounds like a silly selfish excuse and that you simply wanted the attention of other men, which may be true but its not something he is going to have sympathy for ("Honey I was worried other guys don't desire me any more, but great news turns out they do! I'm so happy" .. that kinda thing)

VW08

Dont tell him. And just remember, the way your feeling right now so you wont ever do it again.

Lord Nikon

If it doesn't work out, and you don't yet for sure that it will work out, you will be on your own.

"Don't burn your bridges" ...does that sound right?

PeakOutput

OMG ROFLcakes! wrote: »

That's a bit harsh.

regardless he deserves to know and if i was her it would eat away at me not having told him

LegacyUser

Hey.
I have always been totally honest with the OH, up till now. i really think that it would do him more harm than good to know this, and thats not just to save me hurt, as i am already suffering as much guilt.

PeakOutput wrote: »

he deserves you know but i doubt you will tell him as you probably know he will dump you

There is no way he would dump me to be honest, and even if tehre was a chance he would that would not be a deciding factor in whether i would tell him or not.

I dont want to hurt him. Things are going quite well at the moment so....
I Know he would forgive me but he would never forget and i would worry that he would let this affect his confidence and all that, if he thought that i was or had been looking elsewhere.. which i wasnt, it just happened.
Hate being dishonest though.

Oryx

It depends which is the bigger weight, carrying the guilty secret, or dealing with the repercussions if you tell him.

The easier path is to say nothing, learn from this and rebuild what you have with your partner. Telling him will shake you both to your foundations, which sometimes is good for clearing the decks and starting again if things have been rough, as it means if you continue together its because you are 100% sure its right.

Wibbs

If you've made up your mind and it's not going to happen again, don't tell him. It'll serve no purpose. Honesty is all very well, but in the real world telling him, will only serve to assuage your guilt in the short term and upset him now and possibly down the line.

CDfm

watch Jerry Springer or Maury on Living UK and not Dr Phil - some things are better left unsaid

it may not answer your question but it will allow you to see the funny side of what people do

PeakOutput

Feel like crap wrote: »

Hey.
I have always been totally honest with the OH, up till now. i really think that it would do him more harm than good to know this.


I dont want to hurt him. Things are going quite well at the moment so....
I Know he would forgive me but he would never forget

not your decision to make

not telling him might stop him getting hurt but i guarantee if someone asked him would he want to know if you have kissed someone else he would say yes

you have made your mistake now live the consequences and fess up hopefully it will work out for you

obviously people here disagree with me but imo doing the dirt is the first mistake and that could possibly be forgiven BUT keeping it secret is the second and unforgivable imo

misslt

I agree with peakoutput - it'll be bad enough when he finds out you kissed someone else, but if he finds out months down the line you kept it a secret?

He should be able to appreciate your honesty and the fact you are truly sorry about it so you two can work it out, but if you don't tell him it'll eat away at you and you could even tell him (out of guilt) months down the line which will make things worse.

tbh I think you should tell him, be honest and upfront.

CDfm

i agree

but is fessing up always best.

if it really hurts him i would say no- and Im a guy

teachertrixibel

I wouldn't tell him either. As long as that's it then don't worry about it. We've all slipped up before and you'll probably end up hurting him and you if you tell him now.... If you've learned something from the experience, then keep it to yourself...

Trix

CDfm

it could be you want to find out but will you like the result

dubsgirl

No way should you say anything. speaking from experience here I once did it and fessed up afterwards because I felt just rotten about the whole situation. While we got through that experience the relationship just went downhill. Neither of us had been jealous people before however he would then question me on where I had been, (I know this is to be expected) but what I hadn't thought of is that I then thought well maybe he'll do the same to me? I know all of the above was no grounds for a decent relationship and in the end we both came to this conclusion.

davyjose

You're punishment is the guilt you have to carry IMO. If you tell your OH you're just offloading your guilt onto him, and making it his pain, so don't tell him.
There's such a thing, I think, as being too honest. If we all laid absolutely everything on the table, then life would be very complicated.
If things are better since this happened, as you say, then presumably he's happier. It might not be the ideal way for this to happen, but hey. Count your blessings and bite your tongue.

B00MSTICK

+1 for the ignorance is bliss camp

petethebrick

Don't bother telling unless you think he might find out from someone else. It was only a kiss after all....its no big deal.......sleeping with someone else, now thats a different matter....

CDfm

i am curious - does he know the other guy.

that would raise the stakes

ejvilla

teachertrixibel wrote: »

I wouldn't tell him either. As long as that's it then don't worry about it. We've all slipped up before and you'll probably end up hurting him and you if you tell him now.... If you've learned something from the experience, then keep it to yourself...

Trix

We haven't all slipped up before - speak for yourself.

dubsgirl wrote:

No way should you say anything. speaking from experience here I once did it and fessed up afterwards because I felt just rotten about the whole situation. While we got through that experience the relationship just went downhill. Neither of us had been jealous people before however he would then question me on where I had been, (I know this is to be expected) but what I hadn't thought of is that I then thought well maybe he'll do the same to me? I know all of the above was no grounds for a decent relationship and in the end we both came to this conclusion.

Isn't it more likely that the reason your relationship went downhill was because you cheated? You messed up! You gave your ex a reason to be paranoid, not because you told him.. telling him wasn't the problem! Cheating on him was.


OP - Tell your other half. Let him decide whether he wants a future with you or not. You say you love him, but you're happy to keep something as important as your infidelity from him? I call shenanigans. You don't know what love is.

Also - "I didn't feel pretty...blah blah blah... he kissed me... yadda yadda yadda..." is not an acceptable excuse. It's a pathetic one.

Should you choose not to do the right thing (again), then your OH has my sympathy, you and others like you, my disdain.

petethebrick

Get off your high horse ejvilla!

OP- don't listen to the the nonsense above. Everyone DOES make mistakes! You ddn't do anything too bad. Don't beat yourself up too much about it and don't do it again!

pwd

wonder if you would have done it if you didn't feel there was no way he'd dump you over it.
Personally I think you should tell him, and end the relationship (with the infidelity as the reason).
It sounds to me like you've no respect for him at all, and that he might be a bit of a sap for you.

CDfm

But Pete

ejvilla has a point - the email was all about Peakout

pwd

ejvilla wrote: »

We haven't all slipped up before - speak for yourself.



Isn't it more likely that the reason your relationship went downhill was because you cheated? You messed up! You gave your ex a reason to be paranoid, not because you told him.. telling him wasn't the problem! Cheating on him was.


OP - Tell your other half. Let him decide whether he wants a future with you or not. You say you love him, but you're happy to keep something as important as your infidelity from him? I call shenanigans. You don't know what love is.

Also - "I didn't feel pretty...blah blah blah... he kissed me... yadda yadda yadda..." is not an acceptable excuse. It's a pathetic one.

Should you choose not to do the right thing (again), then your OH has my sympathy, you and others like you, my disdain.

ya I wouldn't cheat on a partner even if I despised them. I'd just break up with them. What's the point of being in a relationship if you're going to act like that? I think some people are in relationships just for the sake of it.

minidazzler

People are kinda overanalysing this. It was a moment of weakness, a mistake. Learn from it, adapt and overcome.

Don't tell your OH Cos they may be upset. Leave it be.

sinnerboy

My 2c . Forgive yourself . Enjoy the change circumstance with your OH . Don't tell him - this will achive nothing .

MagicMarker

Ugh.... These threads are always pointless....

I haven't read the repsonses but i assume it's 50/50 of those saying to tell him and those that say not to.

I'm not going to say what i think as this thread will soon plunge into the abyss.

My advice is to do what you think is right.

dubsgirl

ejvilla wrote: »

We haven't all slipped up before - speak for yourself.



Isn't it more likely that the reason your relationship went downhill was because you cheated? You messed up! You gave your ex a reason to be paranoid, not because you told him.. telling him wasn't the problem! Cheating on him was.

Ok ejvilla maybe your right there, but we'll never know...



you and others like you, my disdain.

Ok I'll take your disdain and ROFL!

Wibbs

OK everybody chill. OK it's a contentious issue, but lets keep it civil.

bstar

hey OP.

my advice is not to tell him. i was in your situation once and we had a big fight before i went out one night said we wanted some space i went out and got drunk kissed someone else. proved to me that i wanted my oh and went back to him the next day. i told him straight away what happened and he said he was ok about it as we had kinda said have a break etc.

but everytime i went out or we ever had a fight after that it was thrown in my face and eventually led to the demise of the relationship.

if your sure it was a once off dont tell him. its not gonna help anyone

ejvilla

dubsgirl wrote: »

Ok I'll take your disdain and ROFL!

You don't have to - you told your ex.

PeakOutput

while i dont hold any personal ill will to anyone here i think that the general acceptance of cheating is pretty horrible to me 'oh its just a kiss' BULL**** if a kiss was just a kiss then no1 would be on here asking advice because they are so torn up with guild over 'just' kissing someone

i can understand mistakes being drunk blah blah blah all these are reasons but none of them are excuses

by no means am i an angel but i have never cheated on anyone and never will simple as that its not hard if you see someone you want to be with more than who your with now dump them and go for it

if you cheat on someone and it was an honest mistake and you are not a complete asshole you should tell them and deal with the consequences then THEY(the innocent party) can decide how big a deal it is or isnt to THEM

sinnerboy

I don't think anyone is saying it's no big deal .

But telling the OH is selfish - one is just un burdening one's own guilt by doing this .

OP - The relationship is the sum of the two parts - preserve it . Protect your OH from the hurt , forgive yourself ( I repeat ) .

You have a conscience , you are a good person ( they sometimes do bad things you know ) . Celebrate your life , your OH .

Love is not easily found , treasure it

dubsgirl

I totally agree that kissing someone else will always be a big deal to both partners. All I am saying is that mistakes are made and that sometimes if you then snap to your senses and realise you don't want to leave your partner it's probably not the best route to tell them.

sometimes situations can be a lot more complex than if you fancy someone more than your partner then leave your partner.

ejvilla

With respect, I can't understand the "Guilt is your punishment" reasoning behind not telling your partner.

Guilt is the natural feeling you experience when you know you are responsible for committing an offense that you deem to be wrong.

Your punishment will/should be the feeling you have when your partner can't look you in the eye, loses trust in you and probably leaves you.

It will be the hard road you have to walk in order to rebuild that trust and prove your worth to your OH, should they choose to give you another chance.

You are not doing the right thing by your OH by 'protecting' them - you are insulting them. You are effectively saying that they are not strong enough to deal with the possibility that you are not the person they think you are. You must think very little of your OH and quite a lot of yourself.

It seems from your posts, OP, that you have pretty much made your mind up and are looking for vindication. You will find that here, people have different points of view, shaped by their own experiences. You will balance both sides of the scales and be left back at square one.

What you do then will change your character for better or worse for the rest of your life. I don't mean to sound so melodramatic, but it is the truth.

So, who do you want to be?

cocoa

tell him, simple as that.

You need to be honest with him, lying is the biggest betrayal. And for god's sake don't tell because they might find out, that's the worst reason...Tell him because you want him to know the real you, all of it, holding nothing back, including flaws and mistakes. And if you can work through total honesty, you've found something special, if not, you were wasting each others time anyway.

the guilt will eat you, and it's not bad to tell him, the act hurts, the love, trust and honesty involved in telling doesn't. there's no need to carry on with the guilt.

just my thoughts... and kissing is serious, funny enough cheating emotionally (sober) with no kissing is worse tho...

cHaTbOx

Why would you tell him when it was the one thing that made you realised you did love him?

My ex told me this once and it does cut you up a little(I didn't split up with her then but then I found she lied about something else) ,I would save your OH the hurt .It will also damage the trust you have and that is the most important part of a relationship.

OP just think of it a learning curve and at least it was just a kiss.

cocoa

random chatbox wrote: »

Why would you tell him when it was the one thing that made you realised you did love him?

I may be crazy here but to my mind, that sounds like something big in your life, sounds like something that should be shared and discussed, and not something that should be kept secret...

random chatbox wrote: »

,I would save your OH the hurt .It will also damage the trust you have and that is the most important part of a relationship.

exactly!!! But if you keep secrets and lie, the trust is worth nothing, you're living a lie... the trust in unearned and undeserved... telling him means he can trust you to tell the truth(the most important trust...) even when things aren't rosy, lying means he can't trust you to admit when things are going downhill...

4Xcut

Situation if you don't tell him:

1)You have to deal with the guilt.
2) He's none the wiser and so doesn't get hurt.

Situation if you do tell him:

1)He gets hurt
2)He breaks up with you which in turn hurts him more
3)You loose him, so you get hurt
4)Due now not only to what you did but to all the hassel you create from telling him, you still feel guilty.


All in all, it is probably best not to know. As long as he doesn't find out another way.

Having said that, if I was him and found out(either from you or someone else - doens't matter) I'd be out faster than flynn was in.

As regards, other's saying that the OP has to live with the consequenes, no she doens't. BOTH her and her OH have to live with them. So it's not just a case of her fessin' up as a punishment.

cHaTbOx

cocoa wrote: »

I may be crazy here but to my mind, that sounds like something big in your life, sounds like something that should be shared and discussed, and not something that should be kept secret...

In a perfect world it would be ,but the fact that they are already drifting apart does not help.He may be happy about her telling him,but it WILL be in the back of his mind all the time.

exactly!!! But if you keep secrets and lie, the trust is worth nothing, you're living a lie... the trust in unearned and undeserved... telling him means he can trust you to tell the truth(the most important trust...) even when things aren't rosy, lying means he can't trust you to admit when things are going downhill...

Did you ever hear for the greater good.Did your parents lie to you about santa ,easter bunny and tooth fairy? Not knowing that it wasn't real made you happy and it also made your parents happy to see you happy.
I am not saying this is the same case but she is not lying.She lied.Once.She is going to keep a secret that will have a burden on her.
Now telling him puts the burden on him.I have been in his shoes.I would rather not know if it was only once and never again.Ignorance is bliss.

STUBBORNGIRL

hey op this is a really awkward situation you have gotten yourself in. First and foremost, is their anyway that your boyfriend could ever find this out from someone else? because if there is any chance that he could then you need to tell him - if not, then i think it would do him no good to hear about the "kiss" which was a mistake and made you realise that you loved your BF!

I dont condone cheating by any means but i think it will definitely do more harm than good at this stage to say anything! what they eye cant see, the heart cant feel and all that...Leave well enough alone and move on forgetting this mistake! everyone makes mistakes in life and to be paying for it for the rest of your life you surely do not want!!

Move on from this and know that although in a way he does deserve to know, just realise that him knowing will cause more hurt than him not knowing!!

cocoa

random chatbox wrote: »

In a perfect world it would be ,but the fact that they are already drifting apart does not help.He may be happy about her telling him,but it WILL be in the back of his mind all the time.

if he's not capable of accepting that she's human and appreciating the emotional strength involved in telling then there isn't much hope in general...

random chatbox wrote: »

Did you ever hear for the greater good.Did your parents lie to you about santa ,easter bunny and tooth fairy? Not knowing that it wasn't real made you happy and it also made your parents happy to see you happy.
I am not saying this is the same case but she is not lying.She lied.Once.She is going to keep a secret that will have a burden on her.
Now telling him puts the burden on him.I have been in his shoes.I would rather not know if it was only once and never again.Ignorance is bliss.

I've heard of the greater good, it generally involves rationalising doing bad things, ironic really... and treating him like a child doesn't seem sensible either. I realise you're not saying it's the same case, but that means it's not a fair analogy so i don't really see the point in using it...

Making the distinction between actively lying and keeping a secret is just hiding from it really. Call it lying by omission if you like, it still counts in my book... But why burden herself? It really seems so pointless, as if she deserves to be punished... The bf deserves to know, that is all...

I've been there too, other scenario though, the silence and the moodswings as someone 'saves you by taking the burden of guilt' are not nice. When she finally did tell me I would have accepted it, but for the fact that she herself had realised the betrayal of the lie, and said it wouldn't work any more. Looking back, I'd have to agree.

You can't buy or exchange trust for good deeds or presents, you have to earn it. Clinging onto it by lying is only weak.

disclaimer : sorry for coming across as harsh, as always and everywhere, all thoughts, views and statements emitted from my being, either via the mouth or the fingers, are my own opinion and not the word of god or scientific fact...

cHaTbOx

cocoa wrote: »

disclaimer : sorry for coming across as harsh, as always and everywhere, all thoughts, views and statements emitted from my being, either via the mouth or the fingers, are my own opinion and not the word of god or scientific fact...

Not harsh at all. We all have different views on the way a situation should be handled and that is because we are different people with different experiences.The OP must choose the course of action which suits her.
Let's agree to disagree.

cocoa

random chatbox wrote: »

Not harsh at all. We all have different views on the way a situation should be handled and that is because we are different people with different experiences.The OP must choose the course of action which suits her.
Let's agree to disagree.

deal