I kissed another man

LegacyUser

Hey.

I did, i kissed another man. and i now feel so guilty i might die.

In my defence (even though i dont deserve a defence) actually he kissed me but i didnt resist.

I have been going through some really rough stuff the past year and myself and the OH have been drifting apart. we are still best friends and all that, and i do love him. This was a moment of stupidity where i was confirming that i was still attractive, and not broken in some way.

things have since improved radically with the OH because i have figured out, because of this kiss, that he is the one i want and love.

Also my confidence and personality has returned.... looking back i think i was actually depressed for several months coming up to this incident

all of that being said. i feel so guilty for kissing someone else and i dont know if i should tell him?

any advice would help me at this stage!!!

Adam

My advice? Don't tell him.

Nalz

Its a real tough one because it might eat away at you if you dont, or could cause lots of damage if you do...

Honestly from experience I wouldnt say anything and deal with it. Its dishonest but it is for the greater good. As long as you realize your mistake and wont do it again...then your better off keeping it to yourself, or more to the point keeping it to nobody and let it slide.

Some may think thats the cowards way, but sometimes the coward is right

PeakOutput

he deserves you know but i doubt you will tell him as you probably know he will dump you

Adam

PeakOutput wrote: »

he deserves you know but i doubt you will tell him as you probably know he will dump you

That's a bit harsh.

Redpunto

Don't tell him, he will never forget it and your relationship will not be the same after. Move on and never do it again

challengemaster

Personally, I'm normally for being completly honest with your partner, and if something like this happened.. tell them, and let them decide what happens.

However I think if you're completly re-assured, that he's the only one for you.. then you're lucky, and not to tell him.

A lot of people decide in relationships that they're not satisfied, not sure, or want to see what it's like being single again, etc etc. They break up, and try it out, find out that what they had was the best thing in the world, and are broken hearted when they find out the other person doesn't want them back and they're now screwed over. You've really, just gotten this chance in one kiss. What you did was a bit ****ty to do, and yes you'll probably still feel guilty for some time to come, but if it was what you needed to re-assure yourself that this is ''it'' - don't go and do something stupid and ruin it now, when you're sure.

That, will devestate you.

biko

By telling I think you're going to make things worse again.
Leave it behind you and concentrate on your current relationship.
*it was only a kiss* as the Killers sang

Zombrex

feel like crap wrote: »

I have been going through some really rough stuff the past year and myself and the OH have been drifting apart. we are still best friends and all that, and i do love him. This was a moment of stupidity where i was confirming that i was still attractive, and not broken in some way.

Tell him. Say what you are saying here, that you are dealing with a lot of issues and depression and that it was your fault and a stupid thing to do but that you are trying really hard to work through your problems.

Tell him that you love him and ask him to forgive you and stick with you and that you are going to try and make things better.

If he does he does, if he doesn't then there is a lesson in there for you that how you dealt with your issues before isn't the correct way.

Don't though tell him you were "confirming I was still attractive", that just sounds like a silly selfish excuse and that you simply wanted the attention of other men, which may be true but its not something he is going to have sympathy for ("Honey I was worried other guys don't desire me any more, but great news turns out they do! I'm so happy" .. that kinda thing)

VW08

Dont tell him. And just remember, the way your feeling right now so you wont ever do it again.

Lord Nikon

If it doesn't work out, and you don't yet for sure that it will work out, you will be on your own.

"Don't burn your bridges" ...does that sound right?

PeakOutput

OMG ROFLcakes! wrote: »

That's a bit harsh.

regardless he deserves to know and if i was her it would eat away at me not having told him

LegacyUser

Hey.
I have always been totally honest with the OH, up till now. i really think that it would do him more harm than good to know this, and thats not just to save me hurt, as i am already suffering as much guilt.

PeakOutput wrote: »

he deserves you know but i doubt you will tell him as you probably know he will dump you

There is no way he would dump me to be honest, and even if tehre was a chance he would that would not be a deciding factor in whether i would tell him or not.

I dont want to hurt him. Things are going quite well at the moment so....
I Know he would forgive me but he would never forget and i would worry that he would let this affect his confidence and all that, if he thought that i was or had been looking elsewhere.. which i wasnt, it just happened.
Hate being dishonest though.

Oryx

It depends which is the bigger weight, carrying the guilty secret, or dealing with the repercussions if you tell him.

The easier path is to say nothing, learn from this and rebuild what you have with your partner. Telling him will shake you both to your foundations, which sometimes is good for clearing the decks and starting again if things have been rough, as it means if you continue together its because you are 100% sure its right.

Wibbs

If you've made up your mind and it's not going to happen again, don't tell him. It'll serve no purpose. Honesty is all very well, but in the real world telling him, will only serve to assuage your guilt in the short term and upset him now and possibly down the line.

CDfm

watch Jerry Springer or Maury on Living UK and not Dr Phil - some things are better left unsaid

it may not answer your question but it will allow you to see the funny side of what people do

PeakOutput

Feel like crap wrote: »

Hey.
I have always been totally honest with the OH, up till now. i really think that it would do him more harm than good to know this.


I dont want to hurt him. Things are going quite well at the moment so....
I Know he would forgive me but he would never forget

not your decision to make

not telling him might stop him getting hurt but i guarantee if someone asked him would he want to know if you have kissed someone else he would say yes

you have made your mistake now live the consequences and fess up hopefully it will work out for you

obviously people here disagree with me but imo doing the dirt is the first mistake and that could possibly be forgiven BUT keeping it secret is the second and unforgivable imo

misslt

I agree with peakoutput - it'll be bad enough when he finds out you kissed someone else, but if he finds out months down the line you kept it a secret?

He should be able to appreciate your honesty and the fact you are truly sorry about it so you two can work it out, but if you don't tell him it'll eat away at you and you could even tell him (out of guilt) months down the line which will make things worse.

tbh I think you should tell him, be honest and upfront.

CDfm

i agree

but is fessing up always best.

if it really hurts him i would say no- and Im a guy

teachertrixibel

I wouldn't tell him either. As long as that's it then don't worry about it. We've all slipped up before and you'll probably end up hurting him and you if you tell him now.... If you've learned something from the experience, then keep it to yourself...

Trix

CDfm

it could be you want to find out but will you like the result

dubsgirl

No way should you say anything. speaking from experience here I once did it and fessed up afterwards because I felt just rotten about the whole situation. While we got through that experience the relationship just went downhill. Neither of us had been jealous people before however he would then question me on where I had been, (I know this is to be expected) but what I hadn't thought of is that I then thought well maybe he'll do the same to me? I know all of the above was no grounds for a decent relationship and in the end we both came to this conclusion.

davyjose

You're punishment is the guilt you have to carry IMO. If you tell your OH you're just offloading your guilt onto him, and making it his pain, so don't tell him.
There's such a thing, I think, as being too honest. If we all laid absolutely everything on the table, then life would be very complicated.
If things are better since this happened, as you say, then presumably he's happier. It might not be the ideal way for this to happen, but hey. Count your blessings and bite your tongue.

B00MSTICK

+1 for the ignorance is bliss camp

petethebrick

Don't bother telling unless you think he might find out from someone else. It was only a kiss after all....its no big deal.......sleeping with someone else, now thats a different matter....

CDfm

i am curious - does he know the other guy.

that would raise the stakes

ejvilla

teachertrixibel wrote: »

I wouldn't tell him either. As long as that's it then don't worry about it. We've all slipped up before and you'll probably end up hurting him and you if you tell him now.... If you've learned something from the experience, then keep it to yourself...

Trix

We haven't all slipped up before - speak for yourself.

dubsgirl wrote:

No way should you say anything. speaking from experience here I once did it and fessed up afterwards because I felt just rotten about the whole situation. While we got through that experience the relationship just went downhill. Neither of us had been jealous people before however he would then question me on where I had been, (I know this is to be expected) but what I hadn't thought of is that I then thought well maybe he'll do the same to me? I know all of the above was no grounds for a decent relationship and in the end we both came to this conclusion.

Isn't it more likely that the reason your relationship went downhill was because you cheated? You messed up! You gave your ex a reason to be paranoid, not because you told him.. telling him wasn't the problem! Cheating on him was.


OP - Tell your other half. Let him decide whether he wants a future with you or not. You say you love him, but you're happy to keep something as important as your infidelity from him? I call shenanigans. You don't know what love is.

Also - "I didn't feel pretty...blah blah blah... he kissed me... yadda yadda yadda..." is not an acceptable excuse. It's a pathetic one.

Should you choose not to do the right thing (again), then your OH has my sympathy, you and others like you, my disdain.

petethebrick

Get off your high horse ejvilla!

OP- don't listen to the the nonsense above. Everyone DOES make mistakes! You ddn't do anything too bad. Don't beat yourself up too much about it and don't do it again!

pwd

wonder if you would have done it if you didn't feel there was no way he'd dump you over it.
Personally I think you should tell him, and end the relationship (with the infidelity as the reason).
It sounds to me like you've no respect for him at all, and that he might be a bit of a sap for you.

CDfm

But Pete

ejvilla has a point - the email was all about Peakout

pwd

ejvilla wrote: »

We haven't all slipped up before - speak for yourself.



Isn't it more likely that the reason your relationship went downhill was because you cheated? You messed up! You gave your ex a reason to be paranoid, not because you told him.. telling him wasn't the problem! Cheating on him was.


OP - Tell your other half. Let him decide whether he wants a future with you or not. You say you love him, but you're happy to keep something as important as your infidelity from him? I call shenanigans. You don't know what love is.

Also - "I didn't feel pretty...blah blah blah... he kissed me... yadda yadda yadda..." is not an acceptable excuse. It's a pathetic one.

Should you choose not to do the right thing (again), then your OH has my sympathy, you and others like you, my disdain.

ya I wouldn't cheat on a partner even if I despised them. I'd just break up with them. What's the point of being in a relationship if you're going to act like that? I think some people are in relationships just for the sake of it.