Anyone agree with "I love you but I'm not in love with you"?

LegacyUser

hi,

I am posting here because I really have no one to talk to this about. Mainly because I know if I actually talk about how I am feeling it will become real.

I am with my boyfriend for almost five and a half years. I love him to bits. He is my best friend in the whole world and I cannot imagine my life without him. Although for the past few months I have felt completely different about our whole situation. we recently moved in together and since then things have changed a lot. I am getting no enjoyment from sex and only really do it to make him happy, although I really do try to enjoy it. We are still getting on great and have such a laugh together. I went through a very depressing time a year or two ago and he helped me so much.

A week or two ago I was out with work and nearly kissed someone else I know has liked me for ages. I think I also like him but I know I can't do anything because I have way too much respect for my boyfriend and would never do anything like that to him.

I just have no idea what to do and my head is completely messed up. I know he deserves so much better than me because he treats me so well and loves me to bits but in my heart I know there is something missing. If I end it I will break his heart.

I always thought when people said "I love you but I am not in love with you" was completely crap but recently I am starting to feel like this.

Any advice

millyj

I was in a very similar situation to you. I was with my ex for 6 years, best friends etc then i moved back to Ireland from London and we did the long distance thing for a year. I knew things were starting to go wrong when i didnt have the urge to rip his clothes off when we saw each other every second weekend. I was the same as you, I slept with him to keep him happy.
We eventually split but still remain such good friends and i would do anything for him, absolutely anything. So yes, I definitely agree with the phrase' I love you but Im not in love with you' as I still love him - as a friend- but am not 'in love' with him.

Tragedy

It means you arent attracted to him anymore, you just like him as a friend.

In love/Love = bollocks.

B00MSTICK

^^ ++

Man I hate that line!

SarahJ

I feel really sorry for you, because this is the worst feeling in the world, and literally takes over all apects of your life.

If you really aren't sure, maybe you could discuss it with him openly and honestly, and if you want to save the relationship, you can find a way together.

AngryBadger

It happens OP, people change, depending on where you are in life this can be a regular thing (i.e. teens, early 20s), or it can be rare enough that couples work through it. You mentioned going through 3 bad years in your own life. Well now you've come out of that, you're better, stronger for it, but you're also not the same person you were, and you don't see your bf the same way either.

It's unfortunate, but such is life, it's no reflection on either of you, but you need to talk to him, na dhe is going to be hurt no matter what you do. And honestly, if you feel this way now, what you need to do is break up with him, or in time you'll come to not just be disinterested in him, but to resent him as the reason you stayed in a relationship with someone you didn't love.

Best of luck OP. Sorry i don't have any cheerier advice for you.

Zulu

Two choices:
1) talk to him, and try to work through it as a couple.

2) do what you are currently doing, continue to shut him out and build resentment until ultimately you break up with him (or force him to break up with you)

My suggestion would be that if you really did love him, you'd talk to him.

Zulu

...sorry for being so curt.

Wibbs

Finding love can be simple enough. Sustaining love and all it means is a very tricky balancing act.

There is companionship, friendship, support, and sex and all those can come and go during the life of a relationship.

Sex in particular waxes and wanes. From the heady passionate early days of the honeymoon period to hopefully a longer lasting intimacy that exists both in and beyond the bedroom. That transition is the one that usually causes the most trouble in an otherwise good long termer. It's usually why people split too, though it may be explained as something else or be a symptom of something else.

There was a theory afoot that humans have a mating cycle of 3 to four years and after that relationships that continued were on the back of companionship, societial expectations, etc. It seems to have some currency as I would reckon most otherwise good long termers fail at the 2 to 4 year mark. As we have more freedom nowadays to change or move on I can see that becoming more and more the norm. IMHO chances are good that at some stage in any long term relationship that goes the distance one or both of the partners will find others more sexually attractive than their partner. Naturally. Novelty can be very attractive. Of course it depends on the degree and how much one is willing to follow it up.

From what you say the rest of the relationship is good and supportive. There are enough people out there that rip each others clothes off all the time, but will never have that.

Of the things that can ease off in a relationship I would say the sexual side has the most chance of being revived if everything else is good and both are willing to work at it. I've had good, sometimes great sex with women that long term we would not have worked(nothing to do with them or me either for the most part). On the other side of that coin, I've been close to others where the sex wasn't that great at all, but we were more friends. Hypothetically if I had to chose which of those type of women to spend the rest of my days on a desert island I wouldn't go for the great sex ones tbh. I know many wouldn't agree and figure well if it's not there, it's over or will never be there again.

To be that intimate and close to someone outside the bedroom is hard enough to find in my experience. As such it does warrant more effort to try and save it, if you can. Communication is the first thing. Look at how the rest of your life may be influencing your sex drive and your sex drive towards your partner.

That may go against the flow of what many say, but as well as those who have left relationships over this and were better off, I have also known many who left and weren't and always tried to get back to that connection with someone. I think the ones who were better off leaving usually the sex was a symptom of the malaise in other areas of their relationship.

I wish you luck anyway.

PS As usual I wittered on. Zulu puts it much better and way more succinctly .

Sugar Drunk

its a line similar to 'can we just be friends', 'Its not you its me' etc basically your bored and no longer attracted to him.
You have been together for ages so the relationship is comfortable and a bit routine so its often easier to stay even though your unhappy than to break away.
You have a good bit of thinking to do - does this feel like something that will pass - in other words can you see yourself being in love with him again or is it something that has crept in gradually and kept increasing? Are you willing to try spice things up and get the relationship back on track? if not, maybe the relationship has run its course - this does sometimes happen. Only you can decide but staying with him and nearly kissing someone else can easily turn into staying with him and kissing if not more with someone else which is really unfair to him.

if you feel this might happen its kinder to break up and let him find someone he can be happy with

Marksie

OK, you have identified an issue.
What do you intend to do about it?
Complacency and routine are extremely common in LTR, the aim is to keep the intimacy going.

You have emotionally tuned out to the intimate side of the realtionship.
There are ways and means of bringing this back if both of you are willing do do so.

However, it relies on you accepting that there are problems, communicating openly and honestly and being willing to resolve them

IN the end the choice is yours, whether you try to do something about it or see if the grass is greener.

He helped you through bad times and you have changed and are continuing to change, you are also beating yourself up over this. You are also feeling obligated to him and putting yourself under so muc pressure and feeling guilty as your "almost" kissed someone else. which is of course a non event, but a symptom oif whats happening.

As i said previously, its up to you to decide what you wnat to do about things asn in the end the only persons happiness and unhgappiness you are responsible for is your own

Zulu

Cheers Wibbs!

mikewest

OP is being in love such a big deal? Is loving the person not more important for the long term. There is such expectation that you must be in love with whoever you intend to spend the rest of your life with and little or no ackowledgement that you must love that person to basically put up with them for the long term. In my experience the "in love " thing comes and goes but the simple love thing sustains through the bad times. To my mind they are two very different emotions and the "in love" one is not the one that matters for the long term. I know many will disagree with my opinion but if you look at older couples who are still very close you don't always get the in love vibe off them but you always get the vibe that they love each other.

Just because you are having thoughts or feelings about someone else doesn't necessarily mean you have to leave your current relationship unless you feel you have to act because of those feelings. If every relationship broke down because one or other party was attracted to someone else I don't think any relationship would last more than a few months. Take your time and consider what you want for the long term. Good luck OP

faceman

Wibbs wrote: »

Finding love can be simple enough. Sustaining love and all it means is a very tricky balancing act.

Nicely put by Wibbs and Zulu.

OP it sounds like you are out of the honeymoon phase and into the phase where you have to work at the relationship. its the bit unfortunately that no one tells us about growing up!

The risk of course is that you get into another relationship and its great for a year or 2 but the honeymoon phase kicks in and you are back to square one.

It sounds like you have a really great partner. You were in love with him, as you put it, before so what has changed? Is the excitement gone? Excitement cant last forever, well not by itself anyway.

It might be worth to have a chat with your partner, and look at what you need both physically and emotionally to re-ignite the spark in the relationship.

LegacyUser

HAve a read of the Road Less Travelled - there are a few great chapters in there on love, being in love and what love means. Definitely worth a read before you do anything drastic.

The jist of it is that when that initial passion dies down, that the real loving begins.

Love

His perspective on love (in The Road Less Traveled) is that love is not a feeling, it is an activity and an investment. He defines love as, "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." Love is primarily actions towards nurturing the spiritual growth of another. Love cannot be sustained by mutual dependence; rather, love between two parties is made stronger when they are completely independent of one another.[1]

Peck seeks to differentiate between love and cathexis. Cathexis is what explains attractions to the opposite sex, the instinct for cuddling pets and pinching babies' cheeks. However, cathexis is not love. All the same, true love cannot begin in isolation, a certain amount of cathexis is necessary to get sufficiently close to be able to truly love.

Once through the cathexis stage, the work of love begins. It is not a feeling. It consists of what you do for another person. As Peck says in The Road Less Traveled, "Love is as love does." It is about giving the other person what they need to grow. It is about truly knowing and understanding them.

LegacyUser

mikewest wrote: »

OP is being in love such a big deal? Is loving the person not more important for the long term. There is such expectation that you must be in love with whoever you intend to spend the rest of your life with and little or no ackowledgement that you must love that person to basically put up with them for the long term. In my experience the "in love " thing comes and goes but the simple love thing sustains through the bad times. To my mind they are two very different emotions and the "in love" one is not the one that matters for the long term. I know many will disagree with my opinion but if you look at older couples who are still very close you don't always get the in love vibe off them but you always get the vibe that they love each other.

Just because you are having thoughts or feelings about someone else doesn't necessarily mean you have to leave your current relationship unless you feel you have to act because of those feelings. If every relationship broke down because one or other party was attracted to someone else I don't think any relationship would last more than a few months. Take your time and consider what you want for the long term. Good luck OP

Great post, says what I wanted to.

OP, think long and hard about walking away from a relationship in which you "love your other half to bits".
Relationships like that don't come along often. We live in a consumerist society and the "I'm Worth It" generation split when the going gets tough.

I have seen couples split at the point you are at, only to either realise they made a huge mistake and get back together, or regret it for a very long time.

maryjmul

Confused2008 wrote: »

hi,

I am posting here because I really have no one to talk to this about. Mainly because I know if I actually talk about how I am feeling it will become real.

I am with my boyfriend for almost five and a half years. I love him to bits. He is my best friend in the whole world and I cannot imagine my life without him. Although for the past few months I have felt completely different about our whole situation. we recently moved in together and since then things have changed a lot. I am getting no enjoyment from sex and only really do it to make him happy, although I really do try to enjoy it. We are still getting on great and have such a laugh together. I went through a very depressing time a year or two ago and he helped me so much.

A week or two ago I was out with work and nearly kissed someone else I know has liked me for ages. I think I also like him but I know I can't do anything because I have way too much respect for my boyfriend and would never do anything like that to him.

I just have no idea what to do and my head is completely messed up. I know he deserves so much better than me because he treats me so well and loves me to bits but in my heart I know there is something missing. If I end it I will break his heart.

I always thought when people said "I love you but I am not in love with you" was completely crap but recently I am starting to feel like this.

Any advice

There is a very old saying if you want to know me come live with me,talking from experience here when couples move into together the first few months/weeks are great then the cracks show and the rows start over stupid things ,its part of the process of getting to know each other,and then there is this other guy you are attracted to maybe he has turned your head a little as he offers a little bit of excitement good for you for staying faithful ,ring your boyfriend say next friday and ask him out on a date it will take him by surprise and go and have fun ,i think you just need to put the spice back into your relationship goodluck

bills

Im not sure you stay in love with someone forever. Doesnt it just change to I love you. In a long term relationship myself & it definetely changed when we moved in together- felt very weird for a while but then i got used to it. I think when you live together, you dont go on as many "dates" or have as much quality time together so the dynamics of the relationship change a lot. If you boyfriend really is your best friend & you cant imagine life without him then try sitting down & talking to him. Work on the relationship & start making an effort. I would not throw it away so easily. If things dont improve, maybe then.

homerjay2005

you either love somebody or you dont, simple as. theres no 2 different ways of looking at it.

SarahJ

homerjay2005 wrote: »

you either love somebody or you dont, simple as. theres no 2 different ways of looking at it.

Its easy to say this, but maybe u haven't been in this situation.


I'm not being funny, but it made me understand the song with or without you by U2!

CathyMoran

I have been in that situation and we broke up but I eventually realised how much he meant to me and we came to a higher level of understanding which I call true love. I would suggest that you work on the relationship first.