girls, dates-what's going wrong?

LegacyUser

I'm a 30 year old single guy in dublin city. I came out of a very long term relationship around 18 months ago, got over it pretty quickly (I instigated the break up after lots of attempts). It was time to then move on, so my attitude was 'lets see what life is like on the other side', as you do.

This is where the story starts...

...I have met lots of girls since and I dont know what is going wrong in anything lasting with these girls. I meet them randomly in pubs and clubs (never through friends) and initially get on well with them. They are usually aged between 25-32. Most of the girls I meet I keep in touch with them by text, calls etc and likewise me. They initially seem fairly keen on me and conversation never dies, which is kinda a good sign. I would then take these girls out on dates or meet with them but whether after one date, subesquent dates/meet ups, a few weeks or a few months of dating, they dont want to know me anymore - either by suddenly not keeping in touch/persuing me or they just ignore my contact (texts, calls) or some would tell me straight out. This is surprising as during seeing them I get on well with them and them me.

I am a polite, genuine guy and am no way desperate, never try too hard and always play things cool. I have been told I am very good looking and am considered by observers 'a good catch' (am still trying to get my head around that one!), am well educated, hold down a good job in a big company, am a moderate drinker, am friendly, fairly good craic and treat these girls well (without being a walk over) - so what am I doing wrong?. I want to offer girls something different than what they are used to. My intentions are good. In other words, I just dont want to be like the other bastards out there (who seem to keep the girls easily).

So why is it that these girls dont want to end up knowing me? What/Who do they want?

AARRRGH

Why don't you contact the girls and ask them?

Amtmann

I think we need to start with the obvious things first. Do you have a problem with your breath, or do you neglect your fingernails?

In conversation, are you inclined to prattle on too much or, conversely, ask them too many questions?

Do you perhaps have a reputation for asking a lot of girls out concurrently? Is it possible they know that?

Are you making any moves towards them -- ie asking them if you can kiss them, etc? Or do you just talk with them throughout the dates? Is there any flirting going on? Because if you're not flirting, it's possible they're just losing patience! In my experience of women aged 27+, many like to move things along more quickly.

Karen_*

Well you sound like a great bloke and even if the girls aren't interested its strange that they don't want to continue as friends. Are you texting like mad when you're with them and telling them about all your other female friends? Have you got male friends?

I think Furet has a good insight as to what might be happening.

IceICEbaby

Furet wrote: »

Are you making any moves towards them -- ie asking them if you can kiss them, etc?

Aah dont do this, i remember meeting a guy in a bar who asked my 'permission' to kiss me....such a turn off - i actually said no lol....but thats just me!............

Anyyyway back to the question.....are you looking for a relationship? Because it kind of sounds like you are.

These girls, if theyre anything like me, arent going to bars/clubs in the hopes of getting a boyfriend - just to have some fun, no follow ups.
So it stands to reason that, even if youre fun/good-looking/interesting etc etc..., they're simply not looking for a relationship
I do this all the time....I dont reckon theres anything wrong with you thats 'putting them off', youre just looking for what you want in the wrong place

I think if you want sex/flirting/fun....keep going out to bars to meet girls...but if youre looking for something more, join a gym or sports club or something.....
If a relationship is what you want, you'll have to look somewhere other than a place where everyone's locked and majority of the people are just looking to score

LegacyUser

I am a polite, genuine guy and am no way desperate, never try too hard and always play things cool.

There's your problem. Nice guys finish last and the biggest ape in the jungle wins. This has always tended to be the case but it's becoming even more so for a variety of reasons.

Karen_*

Iceicebaby I don't think its entirely true that girls who go to bars and clubs are only there for fun and sex with no follow ups. Do people really only go out to score?

Wibbs

There's probably a reason for it alright. The "type" of women you're going for and the signals you're giving them or something entirely different.

If they were after a random hookup, I would expect them to cool off after one or two dates and that's cool. No harm done.

The one's I would concentrate on are the ones that go belly up after a month or so. The ones that look more promising basically. If someone is seeing you for a month the chances are higher she's at least considering more. Have any of them said anything? I don't believe they give no reasons. Or at least they may give reasons, but they're trying to be subtle to save you emotional bother. Look to the longer term ones for your answer.

IceICEbaby

Karen_* wrote: »

Iceicebaby I don't think its entirely true that girls who go to bars and clubs are only there for fun and sex with no follow ups. Do people really only go out to score?

Nah, im not saying all the girls do this, but I still think we're talking the majority here...
Most of my friends with boyfriends either met them at school/college, a sport club (some hobby) or though friends
In 'general' its not some guy who chatted them up in a bar

my opinion only

Amtmann

IceICEbaby wrote: »

Nah, im not saying all the girls do this, but I still think we're talking the majority here...
Most of my friends with boyfriends either met them at school/college, a sport club (some hobby) or though friends
In 'general' its not some guy who chatted them up in a bar

my opinion only

No offence IceICEbaby, but this guy is in his early 30s...and you're 18? People (both men and women) change an awful lot in their 20s -- not least in how they perceive and deal with members of the opposite sex.

Karen_*

IceICEbaby wrote: »

Nah, im not saying all the girls do this, but I still think we're talking the majority here...
Most of my friends with boyfriends either met them at school/college, a sport club (some hobby) or though friends
In 'general' its not some guy who chatted them up in a bar

my opinion only

Yes the majority of 18 year olds in your circle do this maybe. Although you're right about it being unlikely to meet someone in a bar that you're going to form a relationship with. That said it does happen.

LegacyUser

OP here...

Thanks for the replies, though I have to disagree with some of the replies saying that girls you meet in bars/clubs are not right for me. It really doesn't matter where you meet someone - as long as things click! Don't right off these places everyone - I'm sure relationships have started in bars/clubs and were succesful!

Not looking for a serious relationship as such, just for it to last more than a few months.

I am not a messer and no I don't rattle on when I am with them. Conversation is equal - like it should be.

To be honest I dont think the girls take me seriously and I want them too!

Girls complain about not being able to meet straightforward guys. I am!!

I just feel like not bothering anymore with girls and giving up - Any other guys feel his way?

Amtmann

band aid wrote: »

I just feel like not bothering anymore with girls and giving up - Any other guys feel his way?

I have had my moments -- but they didn't last very long. The wee man below saw to that!

LegacyUser

Well I feel like giving up on asking them out and persuing them!

Fifilefleure

band aid wrote: »

OP here...

I just feel like not bothering anymore with girls and giving up -

Don't give up OP - lots of nice girls out there who would love to meet you. However, just wondering how cool are you playing it? Do you wait until they contact you first or do you make an effort? Ask them for feedback!! Don't mention the word feedback though lol

Don't become a b*stard like a good few fellas out there. Says alot about the girls that they end up with as much as who they are!!

I must say that on paper you do sound great & seem to have a great way about you!! I would def ask your previous dates about what seems to be the deal breaker for them!!

Best of luck

LegacyUser

I do play it cool and about the texting - it works both ways - sometimes I text, other times they do.

However I don't normally play games like that.


I wouldnt ask a girl who wasn't bothering with me for 'feedback'. I fact I wouldnt contact them at all!

Fifilefleure

band aid wrote: »

I do play it cool and about the texting - it works both ways - sometimes I text, other times they do.

However I don't normally play games like that.


I wouldnt ask a girl who wasn't bothering with me for 'feedback'. I fact I wouldnt contact them at all!

Well then.... besides been a "good catch" what else do your friends say?

LegacyUser

Ah I wouldnt really mention it to my friends, dont want to appear too pissed off in a way! but when i do they know I am a decent bloke and well better off without these girls who suddenly stop seeing me, for no apparent reason.

Fifilefleure

band aid wrote: »

Ah I wouldnt really mention it to my friends, dont want to appear too pissed off in a way! but when i do they know I am a decent bloke and well better off without these girls who suddenly stop seeing me, for no apparent reason.

well they would know!! I wouldn't worry about it too much then!! Maybe you are going for the wrong type for you or something!!!

Don't give up though!! Just have fun and it means you will always have an interesting story to tell

AngryBadger

OP there's soem good points being made above already, but i also think it's worth remembering that dating when you're no longer a teenager/college student is fairly differnet, and kinda mercenary. We're all a bit older (and wiser?), we tend to have a better idea of what we want, and what we expect. Erego I think a lot of the time we meet people and decide quickly whether we want something to blossom with them or not, and when people decide they don't want something (no reflection on you or anyone we're just not always compatible) they tend to not want to continue things in a more pletonic fashion because that's not what they're after.

You sound like a nice guy, and personally I don't agree that "nice guys finish last", unfortunately, like all of us, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find that princess.

Try not to take it as a personal slight, it's just life, people don't mean it in a cruel or insensitive way, it's just how we are. Give yourself a break and remember that you're a good guy with a lot to offer the right woman, you just have to wait until you find her.

Hope that helps!

irish-anabel

You sound like a really nice guy and there are way more out there who have worse faults than asking too many questions etc. and get into relationships so I don't think it's an easily pinpointed fault like that.
Maybe if you just stop looking, stop going on dates looking for something more, take it easy and have some fun (I'm not suggesting that you come across as clingy etc) and it will come.
Alot of the time the second you stop looking, the right person shows up.

MIN2511

OP where do you hang out :P
only messing

I agree with AB; the world we live in these days is rather confusing. You never know whats going on in another person's head.
I have to ask, do you come across as being serious? Sometimes thats a push off? I was on a date a few weeks ago and your man told me "i can't afford to get this wrong" that was the end of the date! Some women are not looking for serious relationships either..

I guess you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find yer princess...

Don't think too much about it, when you do you unknowingly put pressure on yourself...

goodluck!

MJOR

Just a gentle suggestion here OP but do u have a type that you particularly go for? Maybe you're just finding girls that you think are your type but in reality aren't??

Maybe try joining a club or the internet??

eveie

hey OP
i dont think its anything to do with you as such its just that you havent met the right girl.
also bear in mind if you are all of what you say you are some girls may feel your too good for them etc they may also think that you dont want a relationship. by playing it cool you may be pushing someone away.
for instance i met this guy and he played it so cool with methat i didnt know what to think i ended up telling him to forget about it because he obviously wasnt interested,he was so shocked because his coolness backfired on him.
and yes it is true that you can meet someone in a pub or night club not everone is out for sex,just alpt of the time people arent who they seem to be.
best of luck

tobiesheba

Going to state the obvious here but do you like the women you go on dates with?

Do you make it clear that you're interested in them?

Speaking from personal experience I've often gone on a few dates with guys I've met (both through friends and in clubs/pubs) and while things seem great. Can chat to them, click physically, no awkwardness in any way but then I get the feeling that they're not bothered and I call it a day.

It's not that I'm out to get married or settle down but I just don't want to get into something with a guy who only thinks I'm alright.

I'm not saying you've to make huge romantic gestures but it's nice to let a girl know that it is her you want to be with and that you're not just killing time with her. Nobody wants to feel that they're just the easy option, everybody wants to be appreciated for themselves.

Sorry if I've gone on a bit but it's just I feel I've been on the other side of what you're describing.

LegacyUser

Yes of course I like the girls that i date. I am attracted to them and like what I see at that stage - wouldn't be with them otherwise! Remember the problem of them not bothering with me doesn't just happen after 1 date - it can happen after several or a few weeks/months.

And to answer one posters question - Yes I do make the girl feel appreciated and in no way do i play things too cool.

I'm just being myself really, with an effort thrown in of course!... isn't that the way it should be??

prinz

Furet wrote: »

No offence IceICEbaby, but this guy is in his early 30s...and you're 18? People (both men and women) change an awful lot in their 20s -- not least in how they perceive and deal with members of the opposite sex.

No offence, but the way people change in their 20's is that they generally mature and grow out of the "school disco mentality", of trawling nitelubs looking for mr. or ms. right. The advice from IceBaby was the first proper advice given.Good to see some people mature earlier than others. There are many ways of meeting people, most of them offering better opportunities for making a better first impression, than slurring inaudible words in someones ear. The chances of a lasting relationship with someone you meet in a pub or niteclub are next to nil.

You need to do some growing up a bit perhaps, before you censure another, very mature and collected poster on their age, a fact which had no bearing on giving advice better than more much older posters

LegacyUser

prinz, dont stereotype me just because I meet girls out. I happen to be a mature guy who doesn't shout and slur words in a girls ear in the club, I think I mentioned before that I am a moderate drinker, sensible and am not the usual ass who swarms around clubs and pubs mawling over girls, giving good guys a bad name.

By the way the girls I meet happen to be mature and down to earth at the start, then they show their true colours!

MIN2511

band aid wrote: »

prinz, dont stereotype me just because I meet girls out. I happen to be a mature guy who doesn't shout and slur words in a girls ear in the club, I think I mentioned before that I am a moderate drinker, sensible and am not the usual ass who swarms around clubs and pubs mawling over girls, giving good guys a bad name.

By the way the girls I meet happen to be mature and down to earth at the start, then they show their true colours!

OP tbh i don't see a problem here, it just hasn't worked out with these women. Move on

eveie

hey OP
i really dont think its a problem with you, but you need to realise that, maybe your a bit caught up in the thought that it may be something to do with you.
you seem dead on etc so just bear with it and someone will some into your life whos interested in you

MojoMaker

There's no easy way of saying this bandaid, but sorry dude you sound a bit boring. Even the way you describe yourself is so bland, nondescript, and vanilla. After a few dates this may well become quite apparent to your female partners and they move on.

The whole nice guys lose out while bastards win is not really about who's a nice guy and who's a bastard, it's about dominant alpha males taking the women we're due. Now that can be done quite subtely and in no way am I suggesting "bastards" act unethically or improperly, but quite simply a healthy alpha male deemed a good a catch by women will be a man that is precocious, knowledgable, courteous, aggressive when appropriate, physically and emotionally confident and strong, and someone who women can visualise other women consistently wanting.

Oh yeah and nice guys label themselves "nice guys" and they label confident alpha males who win the women they want as "bastards"

Karen_*

I think its just men who treat women like dirt that are labelled bastards. And they get women alright, women who have something lacking or issues to sort out that they are so attracted to men who treat them like dirt and hang onto them. Because confident women with self esteem and who love themselves don't stay with bastards imo.

Cianos

OP, how many girls are we talking about here? You could just be dealing with too small a sample size...meaning you shouldn't rely on your experiences as 'the way things are'.

What are you expecting out of these women anyway? You said you're not looking for something long term, but you want to see them for more than a few months? A few months is (the beginning of) long term to a lot of people. You are probably after some kind of companionship but without locking yourself in to a long term, and the women you are with are probably spotting this and are reacting accordingly.

Curlypinkie

band aid wrote: »

Not looking for a serious relationship as such, just for it to last more than a few months.

To be honest I dont think the girls take me seriously and I want them too!

OP, I think that this might be the problem. When I read about the age of the girls you have been seeing (especially the age group 28 - 32), I'm thinking that maybe if not telling them straight out, then you're giving out the 'vibes' of someone not looking for something serious.

Out of my own experience, guys who only want to see me for 'a few months' I see as time wasters. Im almost 30, and to date a man who's not into something serious but only wants to see me for a few months, sorry but not interested. What if I, as a girl, develop feelings for him?

On the other hand, you can see someone for a few months for the obvious 'fun-having', but to be honest, as mature as your opening post was as detached from reality is your wish to not get involved into anything serious, above for a few months.....
Sorry for being harsh but you need to re-think why you want any of these girls to stay with you after the initial few dates.

newestUser

Curlypinkie wrote: »

On the other hand, you can see someone for a few months for the obvious 'fun-having', but to be honest, as mature as your opening post was as detached from reality is your wish to not get involved into anything serious, above for a few months.....
Sorry for being harsh but you need to re-think why you want any of these girls to stay with you after the initial few dates.

That is a bit harsh!

I don't think the OP said he only wanted a short-term relationship, that's your spin on what he said.

And so what if he does? He's not necessarily living in a dream-world just because he wants a relationship that isn't what most women his own age want.

...this thread is beginning to be a little pointless, everyone (myself included!) is bringing their own baggage into their posts. We can't judge the OPs attractiveness by descriptions he posts of himself on an internet message board! Maybe there is no problem, it's all down to bad luck. Maybe he's out of practice. It could be anything. It could be nothing.

<edit> Maybe OP, the problem is, you don't actually know what women find attractive.

have been told I am very good looking and am considered by observers 'a good catch' (am still trying to get my head around that one!), am well educated, hold down a good job in a big company, am a moderate drinker, am friendly, fairly good craic and treat these girls well (without being a walk over) - so what am I doing wrong?. I want to offer girls something different than what they are used to. My intentions are good. In other words, I just dont want to be like the other bastards out there (who seem to keep the girls easily).

Ok, so you're well educated, have a good job, don't drink too much, fun, friendly and treat women well. Oh, and you're not a bastard.

A mans level of education and job isn't *that* important to a woman, much of the time. They're not enough on their own to make a woman weak at the knees.

You're not an alcoholic. Fine. You're fun, friendly, and treat woman well. You have 'good intentions'. But this just sounds very vague. You don't come across as being sure of yourself (understandable given your circumstances). It just seems to me, that if you present yourself to women the way you present yourself in this thread, you come across as polite and agreeable. Which is nice, but when did you hear someone say 'he/she was just so damn pleasant, I wanted to sh@g their brains out'? I think you actually describe yourself as polite in your original post. I dunno, I'm not one to be giving advice in this area, but I think you need to think about what women find attractive, because you're selling yourself on the basis that you will behave towards women in a civilised fashion, which people take as a given anyway.

I also think that you've a bit of a chip on your shoulder re the whole 'bad guy stud' thing. That's unattractive. It's not that women find nice guys as you define them unattractive: it's just that it's only a part of the package, and being nice, friendly and not having a desire to use or abuse people are the minimum anyone would expect from someone, on their own they're not enough to make you really attractive.

kmick

Its very hard to say whats going wrong here as we dont know you but the one thing I woud say is that lots of people take a long time and many dates to find someone who they really like. Its only been 18 months since you broke up with your gf and that is not a long time in the scheme of things. One thing you could do is change your behaviour a bit. I mean if its not working for you then you need to try something new. I find it funny when you say "This is surprising as during seeing them I get on well with them and them me." - This to me suggests that sometimes maybe you try too hard and are not focused enough on reading the signs that say interested or not. If interest is there you have to go for it - dont wait around. Thats all the advice I have.

Sunn

newestUser wrote: »

That is a bit harsh!

I don't think the OP said he only wanted a short-term relationship, that's your spin on what he said.

And so what if he does? He's not necessarily living in a dream-world just because he wants a relationship that isn't what most women his own age want.

...this thread is beginning to be a little pointless, everyone (myself included!) is bringing their own baggage into their posts. We can't judge the OPs attractiveness by descriptions he posts of himself on an internet message board! Maybe there is no problem, it's all down to bad luck. Maybe he's out of practice. It could be anything. It could be nothing.

<edit> Maybe OP, the problem is, you don't actually know what women find attractive.



Ok, so you're well educated, have a good job, don't drink too much, fun, friendly and treat women well. Oh, and you're not a bastard.

A mans level of education and job isn't *that* important to a woman, much of the time. They're not enough on their own to make a woman weak at the knees.

You're not an alcoholic. Fine. You're fun, friendly, and treat woman well. You have 'good intentions'. But this just sounds very vague. You don't come across as being sure of yourself (understandable given your circumstances). It just seems to me, that if you present yourself to women the way you present yourself in this thread, you come across as polite and agreeable. Which is nice, but when did you hear someone say 'he/she was just so damn pleasant, I wanted to sh@g their brains out'? I think you actually describe yourself as polite in your original post. I dunno, I'm not one to be giving advice in this area, but I think you need to think about what women find attractive, because you're selling yourself on the basis that you will behave towards women in a civilised fashion, which people take as a given anyway.

I also think that you've a bit of a chip on your shoulder re the whole 'bad guy stud' thing. That's unattractive. It's not that women find nice guys as you define them unattractive: it's just that it's only a part of the package, and being nice, friendly and not having a desire to use or abuse people are the minimum anyone would expect from someone, on their own they're not enough to make you really attractive.

Thats an awful lot of contradicting and assuming you're doing there. You can't just throw out "find out what women find attractive" and hope that might be a solution, women have preferences which vary, as tends to happen with individuals.

He can't possibly try and satisfy the preferences of what other people expect as he wouldn't really be himself then would he.

dubsgirl

Hey there OP

A friend of mine has the exact same trouble with men that she has been out with a few times. Good to know that men aren't the only "randomers" out there! However I must admit that privately I always think she must be coming across as too keen with these lads...

Any risk you might be doing the same?

newestUser

Sunn wrote: »

Thats an awful lot of contradicting and assuming you're doing there. You can't just throw out "find out what women find attractive" and hope that might be a solution, women have preferences which vary, as tends to happen with individuals.

He can't possibly try and satisfy the preferences of what other people expect as he wouldn't really be himself then would he.

Yeah, I know I say that we can't possibly know what he's doing wrong, and then continue to offer my opinion on what he's doing wrong! I'm basing my observations on what he's posted. Which may be totally unfair, and not representative of what the guy's like in real life.

I never said that there was a 'one-size-fits-all' solution. I thought I was hinting that he was selling himself based on vague, generic qualities that people take for granted anyway. And I never said he should try being something he's not.

Perhaps, to be clearer, instead of saying:

you don't actually know what women find attractive"

I should have said:

you don't actually know what aspects of you particular women find attractive, and aren't presenting yourself properly to the women you want a relationship with

I never suggested that the guy go read 'The Game' or some-such. I took it for granted that he's aware that it's different strokes for different folks out there.

Also, the guy's meeting these women in pubs and clubs at random. This isn't optimal: first impressions can be very wrong, and maybe some relationships require a bit of time to develop, which these potential relationships don't have, because instead of being around each other casually, they're meeting each other in pressurised date situations.

Sunn

newestUser wrote: »

Yeah, I know I say that we can't possibly know what he's doing wrong, and then continue to offer my opinion on what he's doing wrong! I'm basing my observations on what he's posted. Which may be totally unfair, and not representative of what the guy's like in real life.

I never said that there was a 'one-size-fits-all' solution. I thought I was hinting that he was selling himself based on vague, generic qualities that people take for granted anyway.

Perhaps, to be clearer, instead of saying:



I should have said:


I never suggested that the guy go read 'The Game' or some-such. I took it for granted that he's aware that it's different strokes for different folks out there.

damn, I was hoping this would turn out to be a raging internet debate. :P

LegacyUser

I just want a normal relationship like every guy and girl wants. Who knows how long you want these to last, you cant plan them!

Though the ones I attempt to kick off seem to end pre-maturely, by her - usually it's the guy who ends it!

Thanks for the replies, especially those who did not call me boring and desperate. If ye only knew...

Curlypinkie

O.P,
To cheer you up, I'm in the same boat and I'm a woman, so there's definitely someone out there for you.
I just heard the old catch-phrase there again, gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince/princess. Onwards and upwards I say;)

Bruno1

Hi OP,
Well I’m not even sure why I’m writing you this as it might be no help to you at all, but I read this thread yesterday and again today, and it has made me in turns depressed and then angry … ouch!!

I’m no expert on the dating relationship scene but I know a fair bit about the other side of it.

I’ve only a few things to say:
1). On the issue of meeting girls/ dates turning into relationships, you said that you came out of a very long term relationship. Obviously, you were doing something right when you managed that … look up! You managed it at least once before, it can happen again. Some people don’t even get that far. Be positive.

2). A point was developed (think Angry Badger was the first) here about the mercenary nature of the dating scene for people of our age group (I’m 31). Yes I’ve noticed that too. I think it exists, and it’s simply something that has to be factored in. I don’t pass much heed now if a girl decides to disappear into the distance, be it after a date, two dates, two months ….
As for asking for feedback, does business techniques and lingo have to invade every particle of our lives these days??? You said you wouldn’t go down this route and I say fair play to you for knowing your mind on that. Asking the question of yourself is a good thing to do though.
Of greater worry (and I don’t mean you specifically so don’t be offended) would be that the sentiments you have expressed on this point have been echoed by posters of both sexes …. communication between people in modern society ….there seems to be a lot of barriers.

3). On being “needy”. This is a nebulous area, and identifying how not to be “needy” is not always so clear cut, peoples standards might differ. Being a bástard is not the answer, and I doubt you were really thinking that way. What I will say is that it’s a trap and don’t for the life of you fall into it. I did. I have the faults that can be categorised as “needy” and I can back up what others here have said, girls can smell this at least 15 miles away. (And yes it IS hard for me to admit to that, but if it helps it helps). For your own sake if you think you are needy or clingy or whatever, try to pull back from it rapid, it’s just a bad thing all round with no positive side.
Again, you’ve managed relationships in the past, and you seem to have a good social life, so don’t be worrying about being either too needy or too cold, when you’re thinking about it, you are! There’s a lot more I could say on all that but there isn’t really a point in the context of your thread.
You ask “what do they want?” …. Don’t overthink this, it’s the starting point of needy.

4). I saw a point early on where you mentioned feeling like giving up on the thing and some people identified with that. We all feel that way occasionally, but again, from personal experience, let it last for only a day at most, because I did that once, had a bad experience coupled with some despondency akin to what you’re talking about here. Decided I wanted nothing to do with the whole dating/ sex/ whatever-you-want-to-call-it scene ‘for a while’. A break if you will. Throw my energy into career/sport/whatever. Don’t be tempted. It lasted five and a half years with me. Nothing. Like Patrick Kavanagh said, “a year passed and another hurried after it”. You have to keep on making the effort no matter how hard the setbacks might seem at the time they occur. I know it’s easier said than done but it still has to be done. There’s trying too hard and not trying at all, and then there’s the in between area I went to where nothing happens one way or the other!!

I hope that this might be of some help to you because if not, it’s a bit pointless, and instead of wishing you good luck (luck has nothing to do with it) I wish you patience, if you can have that, you’re going to be grand, you’ve a lot of positives in your favour and fair play to you for that.

I’m off outta here now because this site is bad for me!:D.

LegacyUser

Bruno1 thanks for the words of encouragement and support. Had a good read of it over and over again.

To be honest yes I will think things through first before i go asking a girl out or persuing her. However tempting, I won't do it so easily now. I never get refused dates, well lets face it - all girls like dates! I must start to pretend that she never existed after i meet her.

After meeting a girl out and whatever happens that first night, be it a good chat, a kiss or maybe more, the natural thing is to ask her out to get to know her better or to get more of the same from the first night etc. Lately I have been asking myself - why doesnt she make the move, ask ME out or start persuing me, not being big-headed here, but a role reversal would be nice?. I guess i'm too easy at the start, although between dates I do play things cool. I never would want to appear desperate or needy, well aware of this - I am ,lets say, very friendly and eager??? I think there is a huge difference!!

Yes the first few dates/meet ups/phone calls/texts will go very well indeed - but then everything just disappears, in a matter of hours in some cases! Look, I dont lose sleep over this but it does get frustrating and it is sad and kind of cringeworthy after the initial effort out in (for both parties)! Seems like a waste of time too! Know what I mean??

It's a tough old game, even for us guys!

Fifilefleure

band aid wrote: »

Lately I have been asking myself - why doesnt she make the move, ask ME out or start persuing me, not being big-headed here, but a role reversal would be nice?. !

How you doing?! lol

not yet

The bottom line is women want men to be men, yeah loads of the sensitive listening stuff tec (and mean it) but there has to be an underlying alpha male, Are you sure your not going on about past relationships,the price of houses,mammy etc.

My advice is chill the fcuk out,take it as it is, and enjoy life.

Kell

band aid wrote: »

never try too hard and always play things cool.

So how exactly do you get across to your prospective partner that you want them? I mean you are not the try and get up on their leg sort of guy, but you come across, by above, as being on the talking to them over your shoulder sort of guy.

Its a fine balance between actually being cool and being hard to understand which is what some of the femmes might think of you i.e if you havent tried to drop the hand within a certain timeframe, they might just think that you dont know what you are at, and move on.

Personally, I have found that being cool just extends itself to not trying to shag girls every five minutes or kiss them when they are not looking. Beyond that, its kinda expected that you might make a move of a sexual nature (kissing etc not necessarily full on séx in public although thats a great ice breaker). Why the hell else would they be on a date in the first place??

band aid wrote: »

I guess i'm too easy at the start, although between dates I do play things cool I never would want to appear desperate or needy,

What- a day or two between texts so you can come across as being oh so cool and disengaged. Again, how the f*ck is she supposed to the idea you like her?

band aid wrote: »

well aware of this - I am ,lets say, very friendly and eager???

You are in your hole. You sound distant and not eager at all. Wake up to yourself.

K-

amom

"you want to offer girls something different than what they're used to" theres your problem straight away! are all these girls used to something else??have they all had massive problems with men before or are you just assuming they have and you want to be the knight in shining armour? personally i think you sound like a great guy with a lot to offer but somehow i think to be honest if i felt like i should be "grateful" that ive found such a great catch id probably leg it too!!

LegacyUser

The OP is wasting his time on that scene. It is nasty and shallow and unless he wants to play that game then he should give it up. Let the self described Alpha males and their equally vacuous female counterparts play wee willie winkie with each other for the rest of their lives.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, I'm in the same boat as yourself. I too suffer from "Nice Guy" Syndrome.
I've come to realise a couple of things. Women don't want nice guys. Nice guys don't present a challenge for them. As soon as they realise you're another nice guy they won't stick around. Some can spot it on the first date others might take a few dates to spot it, but as soon as they do they know they could take or leave you. The ball is firmly in their court and they quickly lose interest.
They go for the b*astards because they think they can change them and turn them into nice guys. It gives them a sense of accomplishment, and they can have another thing to bitch about to their friends along the way.
Its happened to me quite alot and I still haven't figured out how to stop it from happening.

I found this article fitting:
http://www.articlealley.com/article_57865_39.html

Curlypinkie

Hey, there is a game??? A scene??? Come on, not everybody plays by some ridiculous rules. When I meet a guy I never play games, I'm myself. If I feel like txting I will text. If I feel like calling him I will. I don't wait around to be rescued by this white bl**dy knight in shining armour, looking all cool going "Howudoin love"
I'll put on my hiking boots and go out there and find him by myself.
I'm not wearing this bright t-shirt saying

"I'm looking for The One, no B*stards need apply"

I just have to come across somebody that is compatible to my way of thinking, being, acting... Not all guys who get girls are bastards and not all girls who date are cold, scheming b*tches.

So again OP, there IS someone for you, but seriously, do NOT change your way, be yourself. And do not expect that the next one you'll meet will be The One. One day you might just click with a girl and you won't even know what hit you.

And then the problems start, or so i've been told;)