How do you know what a man is feeling for you?

Jessiegirl

I'm in my late thirties and have befriended a man in his early forties via internet dating. We hit if off from word go, have become pals, I waited awhile to meet him, several weeks and we got on so well we just ended up spending couple weekends together a day here and there. Now bit of distance involved and we both have kids so wouldn't expect to meet up every week anyway. Lot of txting initially, emailing, facebook. After last meeting I noticed he had got very overtly sexual in some of his messages, now I'm ok with this but as I wasn't sure where things were going I felt perhaps it was more the sex he was interested in so I asked him where I stood and he said 'he didn't know what he wanted'. Fair enough, I jibed with him was it more a case of 'all the fish in the sea' etc. Anyway things cooled down a bit but we are still friends and in contact practically every day as we have been for 3 months now, we speak on phone occassionally.
We get on like a house on fire, we both admitted to each other before we even met that we felt like we had known each other for years, we can be ourselves, we can piss and moan, we've had some dodgy moments, few sorrys, yet we carry on being mates.

Wonder is it a case of 'once bitten twice shy', he's a lovely man but we've both been in long term relationships before and it is scary finding out you have feelings for somebody new. He rang me a week ago, after being to the pub, telling me he thinks about me and being a bit mushy, got a 'love ya' when he signed off. My aunty tells me phone calls like that do count, he probably just can't say things like that easily and the drink helped (neither can I either so neither of us has expressed our feelings really - this is a softly softly case, we're both as bad as each other) as perhaps he had a very bad time with women just as I had a very bad time with my ex.

Only problem - I am suffering terrible lovesickness, it is almost embaressing at my age. I never expected to feel so strongly about anyone as I do him. The fact that I have regular virtually daily contact yet no further meeting or knowing what will happen aggravates it. It is pure madness, God you think these feelings are only for the young!!
I cooled things off a bit couple weeks ago for a day or so (yes we only manage a day of cooling off!!) but they picked up a bit more again last week with him checking on me again regularly and so on and having the craic, but contact is more relaxed now and not as intense. I love his friendship and I can't imagine we will ever not be mates despite my 'love' getting in the way and making me miserabale !! I feel like a silly teenager ... !

Is he a case of the once bitten variety (which I think, I think he's confused as I am too with how well we connect) - or is it a case of plenty more fish in the sea or on dating site or internet in general and he needs to explore this now that he has seen what can happen?

Karen_*

Its hard to know whats going on with him OP. Why don't you ask him? I just kinda think that if somethings going to happen like a relationship that there would be more of an effort made to see each other?

The overtly sexual messages would be ringing alarm bells for me to be honest. He's not bringing you out and he's not killing himself to spend time with you but then he sends that type of a message. I'd run a mile to be honest. Thats just me though. I really do think that you do get messages at the beginning whether you choose to heed them or not, about what type of person the man is.

As for being silly at your age well OP you're not 73 and even then you're allowed to feel excited and lovesick as you call it!:D

I think instead of doing your head in you should just ask him what's going on.

Jessiegirl

No I have always been straight with him, I've told him over time he blows hot and cold, make his mind up, gave out to him about the messages & he more or less stopped - but I can't come out and say how I feel just yet. However, messages like that don't bother me too much if a person really cares, I'm a very sexual person myself, he knows that now so I understand where that is coming from. You just like a balance... and there is a big element there of leading someone on, or having your cake etc.

I've met him, he's very like me, he's flirty, I'm very flirty - he thinks I want loads of men, I think he wants loads of women. As he said we are both lost souls in our own way - both had crap times with exes. I am in no rush anyway. He is a lovely man, very kind, real gent, I've drunk in his local several times - they have nothing but good things to say about him, met a couple of his mates which was nice.
I just don't understand, but as you say until he actually asks to see me again this will never be more than a frienship!

MagicMarker

I think you're over analyzing the situation..

Just go with the flow, so you're both sexual people, why don't you have sex, you're both grown ups who like each other.

I'm a flirty guy, and i'm not shy to bring up sex or anything sexual in a conversation. It doesn't mean i'm looking just for sex.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

until he actually asks to see me again this will never be more than a frienship!

Ahem, 'scuse me? why can't you ask him out?

The only thing stopping the two of you from going any further is your own, and by the sounds of it, his, fears. Someone has to make the first move, and it most certainly does NOT have to be him.

Jessiegirl

Funny you say that MagicMarker - I have been saying that 'go with the flow' to him from beginning as I felt he was far too intense over things - like a date is a date. I have only been like this in the past couple of weeks myself, so you are right, I need to 'go with the flow' now a bit myself. I know he is sensitve. I could text him for example now to see how he is as he is a bit sick but he was also at the match and I could commiserate with him but I'm leaving him be in his day out.
I did more or less ask him out last time - I assumed he was coming to see me 2 weeks ago but I got it wrong and then got the 'I don't know what I want', so I'm just taking it handy, the moment will arise, we both have kids that take up some weekends, 100 miles apart, but yes I think we are both slightly semi-crippled by our fears, anyway part of this is wrecking my head or perhaps I wreck my own head! When you have been very hurt and treated like complete **** by men in the past facing the fear is hard, but I've done it so far, just have more hurdles to get over I guess!

(... though there always is the nagging voice that says - here is another bastard, even though I know it is not rational...)

Karen_*

Jessie he might be another bastard and then again he might not be. We've all been treated badly or had bad experiences. Pack up all your baggage and leave it in the past. Enjoy what you have in the now. You're hearing great things about him, that's a good sign.

As Magic says 'go with the flow'. don't let past experiences put you off what could be perfect for you. You need to take the risk of being hurt to find happiness.

Jessiegirl

Thanks again Karen, I will try and do that. Anyway a lot of it is with him while he figures out what he wants, I just keep regular contact, much less of it lately though as space may help him find his way, whatever he does or whomever it is with, so long as he is happy in his life.

Karen_*

And hopefully he'll be happy with you Jessiegirl. I know how you feel, am a terrible worrier and over analyser myself. You do deserve good things to happen to you you know. I can tend think there has to be something due to go wrong when things go my way. And sometimes they will go wrong and people will not be what I'd hoped but I think you just have to take everyone on their own merits and not let past experiences ruin the present. Easier said than done. Enjoy your new relationship and try and not be afraid.

Jessiegirl

God Karen I'm the same, expecting nice things to blow up in my face any second - so sometimes I come across a bit distant lately. Been like this since ex and events of recent years. My mum died years ago and I know I can get a bit obsessive for want of a a better word if I ever see happiness rearing its head - and obsessive about loss too. Anyway I have dealt with this as best I can, I am very level & consistent, it is he that blows hot and cold but I care so much that I can't get angry and sure there is plenty of time, I'm just constant, when he figures it out I'll be here as I always am (not forever of course!).

Karen_*

Well you do deserve to be happy Jessiegirl and say that to yourself a zillion times a day if needs be. Its wierd isn't it the way sometimes happiness makes us feel uncomfortable because we think there's a very big fall coming? I found myself apologising to people last week for being in great form as I thought they must think I'm mad.:D

And you're right, don't wait around forever for him either! Happiness does not equal being a nervous wreck trying to guess whats going on in someones mind. Go with the flow for now and try to relax about it. Everyone is all over the place at the beginning of a new relationship so you're only human. You've had big losses in your life and they happened and you're still here and you're ok and you'll be ok if you have to face losses again. I have a couple of books you'd find helpful and I'll pm you with the titles:)