Friend with Girlfriend Issues

STUBBORNGIRL

Gona try and make this short

I have a friend and he has been seeing this girl for 8 months now - he has never felt like this before and he says he really loves her. The problem is that she read his text messages while he was in the shower one morning about 6weeks ago and saw a message from an unsaved number and read it. The message was to an ex girlfriend who was looking for tickets to a concert and he was getting them for her! the message he sent back was yeah i will meet up with you in two weeks and give them to you. His girlfriend went mad and thought he was cheating on her...which he wasnt. Anyway she thought that as she was going on holidays in 2 weeks that this was a conspiracy to cheat in her absence!

He explained to her that this was not the case and after talking about it they agreed that she was insecure and had trust issues. He is blue in the face with telling her that he was not cheating with his ex and they are just friends. Things then went back to Normal (or so he thought)

Now the problem - He is getting fed up of her bringing this up every time they have a little argument - and it always resurfaces when drink has been consumed. She cannot seem to let it go. He really loves her and wants to make it work but he doesn’t know how to go about reassuring her that he is not going to cheat on her – seems like his words are falling on deaf ears! Anyone have any idea’s what he can do to help this situation as failing this, the relationship will probably come to an end, he cannot continue having to explain himself time and time again!

Thanks for any advice

citeal

are they really just friends? if so, why wasn't her number saved to his phone? why doesn't the girlfriend know they are still in touch?

why did he specifically say the time period that his girlfriend was abroad?

she wouldn't have checked his messages if she felt secure in her relationship to start with.

Now maybe that's the way she is with everyone but then again, maybe she's just going with her instincts here.

what do you think? how close are you to him? Does he have any feelings towards his ex?

STUBBORNGIRL

citeal wrote: »

are they really just friends? if so, why wasn't her number saved to his phone? why doesn't the girlfriend know they are still in touch?

Yes just friends - she had bought a new phone and he didnt have her new number saved. The girlfriend knew all about her and knew they were in touch - (now when i say in touch i mean the odd text here and there)

citeal wrote: »

why did he specifically say the time period that his girlfriend was abroad?

Because he spends so much time with his new girlfriend and needed to occupy his time while she was away

citeal wrote: »

she wouldn't have checked his messages if she felt secure in her relationship to start with.

I totally agree - however i think she shouldnt have read them and that for me would be a Goodbye! my mother always says if you go looking for something make sure you are prepared for what you might find!

citeal wrote: »

what do you think? how close are you to him? Does he have any feelings towards his ex?

He is a really close friend - I know he wouldnt do anything - he was so upset when the relationship ended with his ex but he knows that its over and jsut see's her as a friend!

citeal

how long is he broken up with the ex and how long did he go out with her for?

do the current & ex know each other?

you sound convinced anyway, could you help put the current GF's mind at rest?

STUBBORNGIRL

citeal wrote: »

how long is he broken up with the ex and how long did he go out with her for?

do the current & ex know each other?

you sound convinced anyway, could you help put the current GF's mind at rest?

He is broken up with her about 2 and half years and went out with her for 2years!

No they don't know each other at all...

I dont really wanna get involved with speaking to his girlfriend on this as i am not meant to know there was an issue in the first place! he told me in confidence!

If anyone has been in this situation before can they shed some light on whether there is any way of her accepting him at his word and trusting him before the relationship ends!

p

His girlfriend has got some serious trust problems, and they need to be able to reassure each other.

If he wants this girl, I think he needs to to tell her he'll cut off contact with his ex. If she broke his heart this is especially important. In return, she needs to agree that she'll never look at his text messages again.

They need to talk and sort this out. If they can't learn to trust each other then their relationship has no future.

Macha

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

Now the problem - He is getting fed up of her bringing this up every time they have a little argument - and it always resurfaces when drink has been consumed. She cannot seem to let it go. He really loves her and wants to make it work but he doesn’t know how to go about reassuring her that he is not going to cheat on her – seems like his words are falling on deaf ears! Anyone have any idea’s what he can do to help this situation as failing this, the relationship will probably come to an end, he cannot continue having to explain himself time and time again!

Thanks for any advice

Uh confession time. That girl sounds like me at the beginning of my current relationship (now 3 1/2 years later & still going strong!)

It sounds like she either has had a bad experience with a guy before & is buying into the idea that all guys are the same. Also, maybe self-esteem issues? There's also the added element that they haven't been together that long so she may be still unsure of your friend & how trustworthy he is.

Really, there isn't much he can do. I mean its really only words that he can use & if she really doesn't trust him then that isn't going to be enough for her. The other thing is time will help. The more she gets to know him & the more time they spend together, the more she will relax. It's up to her to get her house in order & start trusting him.

One thing is he needs to set her straight that its out of order for her to be bringing it up all the time. My OP did something I didn't like (a bit worse than this situation) & I wouldn't let it go for a while. It really put a dampner on things until I realised that he was sorry, had learned his lesson & me going on about it wasn't going to improve our relationship.

STUBBORNGIRL

p wrote: »

His girlfriend has got some serious trust problems, and they need to be able to reassure each other.

If he wants this girl, I think he needs to to tell her he'll cut off contact with his ex. If she broke his heart this is especially important. In return, she needs to agree that she'll never look at his text messages again.

They need to talk and sort this out. If they can't learn to trust each other then their relationship has no future.

Yeah sorry should have mentioned that - he has cut all contact with his previous ex. Im not sure if he discussed with her how wrong it was for her to go through his phone but yeah you are right he needs to discuss this with her.

That is what i said to him - no trust then no future, but he thinks its worth it and wants to fight it through but he literally cant concentrate in work and is getting down jsut thinking about it!

loloray

OP - is this 'friend' actually you?
Because, if it's not, I don't really see how it's any of your business at all. I know that we all care about our friends and want to help them - but really I don't think it makes sense for you to be asking for advice . . . every situation is different, and obviously you are only getting second hand information so in reality things could be way better, or way worse than your perceive them.

Macha

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

Yeah sorry should have mentioned that - he has cut all contact with his previous ex. Im not sure if he discussed with her how wrong it was for her to go through his phone but yeah you are right he needs to discuss this with her.

That is what i said to him - no trust then no future, but he thinks its worth it and wants to fight it through but he literally cant concentrate in work and is getting down jsut thinking about it!

I don't think the best thing is to capitulate to her unreasonable demands. I mean there are going to be other friends who are girls around & she's going to have to learn to deal with it.

My OH actually went on a 2 week holiday with another girl (just the 2 of them) about 3 months into our relatiohship. He had already agreed to help the girl move home & had booked everything. Hardest 2 weeks of my life but was a valuable lesson that you can't control your trust issues by controlling your OH.

citeal

ok, wtf, he has agreed to cut all contact with his ex and she's STILL banging on about it?

At first I was feeling vaguely sympathetic with the girlfriend because I thought I could relate it to a situation I was having with my ex - totally totally different.

She needs to wise up. He's not in touch with the ex. He's been apart from her for longer than he was with he, he loves his new gf, what more could she want? He even forgave her for rummaging through his stuff when he'd done nothing wrong.

Sorry none of that is constructive though. He needs to sit down & talk to her (and not in the middle of an argument but in calm unrelated circumstances) and tell her how much she means to him, that his ex is not in the picture or in his head, that she needs to trust him & make her understand that if she can't, they have no future. He should ask her what she is so scared of.

At the end of the day, he's done nothing wrong.

gubby

on first reading of this post I screamed at the computer... "get gf to ring ex so she can verify what he was saying" I assumed somone else would have pointed out that. of course it too late now cos she would probably think that he had set it up. But if he had said right away.. when he got out of the shower and she confrunted him about the text he should have simply made her ring the no and find out the truth. I cant understand why he hasnt dont that. anyway, the only advice I can give as some other poster said is to just hang in there. The biggest reason people split is trust issues. she will have to learn to trust. tell him to stop apologising and and reassuring her and just tell her that he loves her but he cant deal with her insecurity any more. good luck

STUBBORNGIRL

loloray wrote: »

OP - is this 'friend' actually you?
Because, if it's not, I don't really see how it's any of your business at all. I know that we all care about our friends and want to help them - but really I don't think it makes sense for you to be asking for advice . . . every situation is different, and obviously you are only getting second hand information so in reality things could be way better, or way worse than your perceive them.

No its not me but i can see how you would think that! It becomes my business wehn my friend asks me to post this for him as he has no access in work. I have given him advice but just to get advice of others is why i am posting this for him.

togster

It depends how much he cares for her and how much he can put up with her sh!t.

Look life is often too short to have to deal with others insecurities/hang up's but sometimes you meet someone who makes you stick with them through all the sh!t.

He needs to decide this. It's unlikely her trust issues will disappear after a heart to heart. They are likely to re-surface from time to time but maybe she's worth it.

Good luck to your friend.

Been there, done that and no it wasn't worth it :mad:

Irishcrx

Trust me, I spend for years in a relationship like this and I loved the girl but in the end I simply couldn't take any more, it killed all the spark and feeling in the relationship for me, all the promises made were broken and it never changed my life became a hell like I was in a prison always being watch. I got out and it was a good decision for me as I began to feel like myself again.

Relationships like this are only heading in one direction and it's no if it's when it will end.

UNLESS the girl really does change but it can't go on the way it is, bringing up the past never solves anything.