have redeveloped issues with women/jealousy ruining my life

LegacyUser

when I was younger I had some severe issues with girls. I'd always been brought up to respect women and that I'd find a girl who was special to me and who I'd just click with.
however when i got older and started seeing girls I developed some horrible jealousy issues.
basically it didn't bother me if a girlfriend had slept with other boyfriends, like people she was in a relationship with, but if she had had one night stands or had done something out of the ordinary like had a threesome or something with strangers it would really freak me out. it would just cheapen her in my mind cos the girl who i was in love with meant nothing to someone else and some of the things i held dear to me where just given to some other guy cos he was in the right place at the right time and hes probably off laughing bout her disrespecting her. this would throw me into rages and depressions which seriously affected my relationships.

however I managed to get my head out of my arse when i got a bit older and it became less of an issue and I learned to get past it, I realised that not every woman i meet is going to be 'the one' and that I too should have some fun while I'm young. now I have slept with a few women myself but I would in no way shape or form say I'm a man whore and the majority of the women I've slept with have been long (or longish) term girlfriends. the exception being a one night stand that I felt **** about afterwards and have no desire to repeat

however my most recent ex kind of put me through the ringer, she was 20 (im 25) but had slept with a fair few people (for her age) and most if not all of her experiences where with older guys and several where one night stands some of which where in threesomes with her work mates, so it would be two 19 year old girls and a 30 something year old guy. also she hung round with some of these guys more then she'd hang out with me and would occasionally blow off plans with me to hang out with em. this really dragged up a lot of feelings for me and I became increasingly paranoid and insecure. so we broke up there a few weeks ago but I now have this stupid resentment towards women again that I thought I'd gotten rid of, I just can't stand it when i meet a girl who's been promiscuous.

like I know a girls life is her own etc and its none of my business and that its stupid to get upset about these things but I can't seem to help it, so no 'oh typical man here' responses please 'cos I myself am not even remotely promiscuous.

I feel my jealousy is going to ruin every relationship I'm in and I have no real chance of meeting someone who is the same as me with regards sex (i.e. that its something special that you share with someone not just something you do on a saturday in copperface jacks)

Go-Go-Gadget

Interesting, you seek a certain type of woman, thats not a bad thing, you want sex to be meaningful. However, everyone makes mistakes and miss right could have gone through a wild period, so try not to lean too much on that point.

About your jealousy, perhaps you shall meet a smart woman who will realise that jealousy is flattering, you wouldn't be jealous if you didnt care. However there are limits to its acceptability which depends on the womans patience which you really should try to avoid wearing out, perhaps being upfront in admitting your jealousy would help.

BraziliaNZ

Just accept that women like to have fun too, stop being such a selfish immature idiot. You don't deserve to get near any women with that attitude in this day and age. Get a life.

Go-Go-Gadget

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Just accept that women like to have fun too, stop being such a selfish immature idiot. You don't deserve to get near any women with that attitude in this day and age. Get a life.

Dont post in this forum if you just intend to flame. The OP is entitled to his own opinions and his own feelings and your comment is not helpful in the slight.

If you took the time to actually READ this post you would understand what is trying to be said. There are many other men that feel this way, and many other women. Calling such people selfish immature idiots just displays your own carelessness and biggotry.

seahorse

I think maybe it'd help to consider that some women carry on like that because they dont feel good about themselves to begin with OP. I've known women who'd ride rings around themselves in a truly pathetic search for validation from men cause they couldnt muster up any on their own steam. If you meet a woman whose been very promiscuous in her past there's always the possibility she wasnt feeling too good about herself at that time; bearing that in mind, it'd hardly help the situation to infer that there was something wrong with her, would it?

I dont think anything you're saying is out of order or unreasonable by the way, and if you werent attempting to get over it you wouldnt have posted in the first place, so good luck to you.

BraziliaNZ

seahorse wrote: »

If you meet a woman whose been very promiscuous in her past there's always the possibility she wasnt feeling too good about herself at that time; bearing that in mind, it'd hardly help the situation to infer that there was something wrong with her, would it?

Did you ever think that she just might have wanted to get laid? F*ck's sake, what's with all the psychoanalysis, I for one have slept with quite a few chicks I didn't even fancy much just for the base pleasure of it all.

seahorse

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Did you ever think that she just might have wanted to get laid? F*ck's sake, what's with all the psychoanalysis, I for one have slept with quite a few chicks I didn't even fancy much just for the base pleasure of it all.

I havent met many women who'd sleep with a man they didnt fancy "just for the base pleasure of it", reason being, when a woman doesnt fancy a man there's usually precious little pleasure involved.

BraziliaNZ

I never said they didn't fancy me

Go-Go-Gadget

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Did you ever think that she just might have wanted to get laid? F*ck's sake, what's with all the psychoanalysis, I for one have slept with quite a few chicks I didn't even fancy much just for the base pleasure of it all.

Well not everyones like you even though you would love to think so, some people are looking for others like themselves that feel sex is a special thing shared between two people with their emotions and feelings undiluted by the frivilous use of sex as just a cheap thrill for a one night stand or "casual relationships". I can understand the OP's opinion very well.

Enjoy sleeping with quite a few "chicks", that pleases YOU, dont expect everyone to conform to your tastes.

BraziliaNZ

Go-Go-Gadget wrote: »

Enjoy sleeping with quite a few "chicks", that pleases YOU, dont expect everyone to conform to your tastes.

Yes but she did it, not him. What's he care about her feckin' past life anyway or what she did?

seahorse

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I never said they didn't fancy me

Jaysus, talk about being self-involved! I am talking about the behaviour of women generally here; if it does anything for your ego I'd imagine your sexual partners did fancy you otherwise they'd have been unlikely to hop into your bed!

BraziliaNZ

The feeling I'm getting here is that you're badmouthing women for having casual sex. This isn't Saudi f**king Arabia.

Go-Go-Gadget

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Yes but she did it, not him. What's he care about her feckin' past life anyway or what she did?

Your doing it again... start reading the posts you are trying to respond to!! He could feel the emotions and feelings of the beautiful act of sex could mean ALOT less to a girl who has done it 20 times before compared to a girl who saves such bonding for something meaningful.

BraziliaNZ

Go-Go-Gadget wrote: »

Your doing it again... start reading the posts you are trying to respond to!! He could feel the emotions and feelings of the beautiful act of sex could mean ALOT less to a girl who has done it 20 times before compared to a girl who saves such bonding for something meaningful.

The beautiful act of sex... are you from the Bible Belt in America or something? And do you think there were a lot of emotions and bonding involved in her one night stands? No.

Go-Go-Gadget

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

The beautiful act of sex... are you from the Bible Belt in America or something?

No, I feel, personally, and im sure OP would agree from what i read in his post that sex is very very meaningful. To me its an act of LOVE, a bonding of two people and complete trust and acceptance of each other.

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

And do you think there were a lot of emotions and bonding involved in her one night stands? No.

Exactly the point -.- If the OP was looking for a girl who he loves and who loves him and he had sex with said girl knowing she has had loads of one night stands its easy to see how he wud feel uneasy as this could possibly be nothing special to her.

Jackovarian

OP your just going to have to learn to trust again. and your probably better off without somebody who blows you off for ex sex partners and whatnot., thats never good, no matter how faithfull the person is. and i aint the jealous type! (i just dont like the std's! hehe)

as for the rest of yee fighting, give braziliaNZ a break for feck sake. he's entitled to his opinion and you guys are bullying him. your supposed to be helping the original poster not feeding stereotypes.

seahorse

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

The feeling I'm getting here is that you're badmouthing women for having casual sex. This isn't Saudi f**king Arabia.

I don’t know if that was directed at me, but I'm probably the last person on here who'll badmouth a woman for what she’s got up to sexually. Apart from the fact that I don’t feel it's my place to judge, my own past wouldn’t permit that sort of attitude anyway. The point I am trying to make is that not every women who has casual sex does it just because she "wants to get laid". Let’s face it: most women who have casual sex with strangers are cock-eyed drunk when it happens and are making decisions in drink they'd be much less likely to make sober. Some women, as I said, (and I know this because I've seen it with my own eyes) have a perceived need for sexual validation from men.

I knew one girl who bawled into her pillow for months over a guy she scarcely knew because he turned down her offer of a sexual encounter on account of his having a girlfriend. She wasn’t even looking for a relationship; she just really fancied him and wanted a roll in the hay and to be maybe his bit on the side. All her questions were about: "But maybe I'm not as good looking as her, I mustn’t be, since he could resist me" & and all that type of blah blah blah bull****. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! Obviously her head went to mush because the rejection shattered her self-image, and obviously if sexual rejection is capable of shattering your self-image then you need sexual acceptance to support it. That doesn’t take psychoanalysis to figure out; I'd have thought it was pretty feckin obvious.

Jackovarian

this is an isolated case, not a general issue.
maybe the girl was nympho or something, who knows. not everybody needs to get drunk, or seek sexual appraisal to just go have casual sex. some people just like sex! thats what he was trying to say! get over it!

seahorse

Jackovarian wrote: »

this is an isolated case, not a general issue.
maybe the girl was nympho or something, who knows. not everybody needs to get drunk, or seek sexual appraisal to just go have casual sex. some people just like sex! thats what he was trying to say! get over it!

You'll have to find some other way to entertain yourself Jackoverian. I'm not into arguing on the internet.

Go-Go-Gadget

Jackovarian wrote: »

this is an isolated case, not a general issue.
maybe the girl was nympho or something, who knows. not everybody needs to get drunk, or seek sexual appraisal to just go have casual sex. some people just like sex! thats what he was trying to say! get over it!

Yes and OP has clearly stated he isnt looking for someone with that mentality, how does this become similar to saudi arabia? A woman could say the exact same thing.

You said it yourself:

he's entitled to his opinion and you guys are bullying him

OP is entitled to HIS own opinion, nothing gives braz the right to come in here all guns flaming without thinking of the person behind the anon post.

And no, "Get a life" isnt constructive criticism.

Jackovarian

oh i'm not trying to argue. far from it, believe me. i just hate to see people being ganged up on. especially when they have a valid point. sure, he could have been more tactile, but still, a valid point. one that seemed to annoy you guys. all im saying is, why are you bothering to argue? he made his point. you made yours. so why bother to argue over and over.

the original poster has deep trust issues. refreshed by his current situation. time is a great healer.

and again, im not trying to fight. if i was i would be a fair bit sharper but i value my membership on this site.

nicolo

Not to gang up on the brazillion guy or what have ya but I think its guys like that that the op is peeved about, I mean if you met a girl who meant the world to you and she'd slept with someone like him to whom she clearly only served the purpose of a hole and an ego massage you can see how she'd be cheapened somewhat in his eyes.

also I have to agree , read the post the full way through before letting off steam on this forum, the guy isn't saying he has anything against these women he's saying he's finding it difficult to meet someone who he can feel relaxed with because he has different views on sex, it shouldn't make him a target because of this.
bottom line he's saying he has issues which he wants help with, not judgement.

Jackovarian

and to be fair. i have been a bit rough. sorry guys. its late and i'm ratty. all i was saying is give the guy a break!

BraziliaNZ

But what if the girl equally just wanted physical fun? I've been in that situation with girls. All this emotions and bonding crap can be for someone else, doesn't have to be with every chap they sleep with does it? If it's special between him and the girl is that not all that matters?

Jackovarian

its rare enough, but very true. still though. there was always going to be risks in any relationship.

BraziliaNZ

What's rare enough? A girl enjoying sex for the hell of it? How old are you people??? Seriously you mustn't get out much

Go-Go-Gadget

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

What's rare enough? A girl enjoying sex for the hell of it? How old are you people??? Seriously you mustn't get out much

Seriously, i hope you get banned for tonight, your obviously looking to stirr up trouble, no one is dumb enough to continually only read the first three words of a post and instantly reply without thinking it out, your trying too hard, im not adding to your pleasure. Troll on your own.

Jackovarian

Go-Go-Gadget wrote: »

Yes and OP has clearly stated he isnt looking for someone with that mentality, how does this become similar to saudi arabia? A woman could say the exact same thing.

em, ok. does the op now own boards or have i just had a stroke or something?

as far as i know your allowed a bit of free speech here, not too much, but a little freedom. and if brazil guy wants to post that he's perfectly within his rights. and its far from you, or me, to judge.
if he makes a slip up its his ass on a platter to the mods. report him if you feel that strongly, report me too if you feel i've been an ass about all this!

braziliaNZ, i bet your one of those people who, when you text them with lets say three questions they can only handle the first one and you have to keep texting them the other questions... ahh evolution, you mystical fiend!

anyways, sorry for going off topic!

BraziliaNZ

No I'm just enraged that these neanderthals that get upset over their girlfriends having had previous sex lives still exist. I wont comment further.

Jackovarian

nobody is disputing that women don't like sex or women have casual sex without having feelings for the person!
what are you trying to prove like? you keep going on and on about it and its irritating! all anybody else is saying is that not all women just have sex for the fun of it.

do you live in a brothel or something???

BraziliaNZ

Yes, I live in a brothel.

MIN2511

My 2c, it does matter to some people the kind of sexual relationships their partners have been in prior to them meeting.
Its unfortunate but sometimes we can't turn back the hand of time we can make good plan of the future.
Cheer up, if you like a girl and you find out things about her past relationships there are two ways

1: It made her who she is, some circumstances couldn't have been avoided. She's human after all and slave to her own soul.

2: You can't deal with her past and don't want to consider a relationship with her


Something you should think of, no one should judge another person for what they are, you should judge them for who they are an what they hope to become!

Wibbs

BraziliaNZ banned for a week for personal abuse aimed at the OP

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

stop being such a selfish immature idiot. You don't deserve to get near any women with that attitude in this day and age. Get a life.

. Everyone else concentrate on the OP's problem

eveie

my ex was excatly like you and it did ruin our relationship. i had slept with only a few people before i met him, he was previously engaged to a women and they were living together, now he could not understand how i could sleep with someone i didnt love, he called me every name under the sun, yet he didnt see a problem to proposing to a women who he knew deep down wasnt the one (she had a lucky escape in my eyes) anyway if i came out and said "it just happened" he would go balistic and i mean balistic, i have never been so afraid of someone in my whole life, yet his excuse for getting engaged was that "it just happened" and so you know what i could accept it, because i loved him, that was his past, he could never except my past ever. you know the men i slept with didnt cheapen me, but my ex's attitude towards me did, he ruined me a person, he made me think i was what he called me.
you need to get some help, EVERYONE has a past, get over it, people make mistakes, and maybe they just wanted some fun. you will find it hard to find an untouched virgin, and weather your partner had 1 or 10 sexual partners before you, you'l never be happy.
no women with any kind of intelligence will put up with your behaviour, you have a sexual past, how would you feel if a women treated you the way you treat your gf's? true love is loving someone for their good and bad points and being able to accept them as how they are not what you want them to be

Aurora Borealis

In reference to the suggestion that jealousy is flattery I would wholeheartedly disagree. Jealousy, though something we are all susceptible to, is essentially about control and insecurity and something I do not like in myself or in a partner. I would prefer to trust my partner implicitly and s/he me than evoke feelings of insecurity in them or they in me.

Regarding the whole debate about women and their sexual past. My past could be described as chequered by some but in fairness that doesn’t mean I can not see the difference between being with someone you love completely and some other kind of encounter, nor feel the same from a connection of such intensity.

OP you’re questioning whether you can be with someone who has a different view of things than you but that is always the gamble when you’re with someone and part of the learning curve that comes with it. We are all made up of the situations that bring us to where we are right now and if the person right now is someone you feel a connection with then whatever brought them to being that person is only a good thing whether it reflects your own path and choices or not.

LegacyUser

OP -I am the same as you -I have problem jealousy, I know its wrong but I have become obsessed with one of my boyfriends exes, it is irrational and I know that, but my head is always full of racing thoughts and some days I can enjoy nothing due to the torturous mind-wreck all day long.

Thing is I have no right to be jealous, I have slept with well over 60 people, he has no idea, before you all flame me for being a hypocrite, I know I am, as i said before the jealousy its not logical. I sometimes wonder if its because I was so promiscuos and sly in the pst, cheating etc that I am now being punished when I have found someone I truly love I cant get these thoughts out of my head. I dont know if I poisoned my own mind by my past behaviour and now I am paying the price. It serves me right I know, I know,,,,

Anyway, I would be very interested to know if anyone has been through it and how you can cope with these horrible obsessive feelings.

My poor boyfriend has done nothing wrong other than mention your woman the ex a bit too much and I have fantasised about getting a private eye to get a picture of her, I dont know what she looks like and it literally haunts me.

Some days I can control it and see how stupid and irrational it is and other days I am just totally in its grip, Its a fookin miserable existance.....

trio

OP, honestly? It sounds like you have a Madonna/Whore complex. Now you may deny that vigourously, but it certainly sounds like you regard women who have had sexual encounters that were fairly meaningless as "cheap".

In which case, you shouldn't even attempt to be with them. You should have ended your relationship with the last girl as soon as you realised that her sexual standards bothered you to the point of obsession. It's not healthy for you, and I'm sure it wasn't a whole lot of fun for her.

I'm not about to say that you should just get over it - you have a right to have strong opinions about with whom a person should have sex.

But you are going to find it quite difficult to find a girl who has had only sexual partners that she was in love with.

I'm sure you'll find one one day - probably what would suit you best is someone young who's coming out of a very long term relationship - but in the meantime you're being unfair if you start going out with a girl with a checkered past, and then mentally impose your measure of sexual morality on her. She is allowed to have a different concept of sex than you. It doesn't make her less worthy of respect.

StormWarrior

OP, would it make a difference to you if the girl in question regretted her one-night stands? Eg- she was going through a hard time when she was having one night stands, but had sorted out her problems by the time she got with you? If not, if you feel she has less value because of some mistakes committed in youth, then perhaps you are viewing women as some kind of commodity and you don't want one who's second hand, as it were? Just a suggestion, but if it's the case that you are seriously put off by a woman who's had one night stands in the past, maybe you're going to miss out on your true love one day because you can't see past it. You said yourself you had a one night stand and felt bad about it. If your future girlfriend judged you on this, how would you feel?

LegacyUser

wow thanks for the replies guys, I think some of you are missing the point. I have to admit there is an element of a madonna/whore thing but in truth i wouldnt want to go out with a virgin or someone whos 'untouched' either and I don't care if my partner has slept with many people so long as the experiences meant something to her other then 'aw deadly I got laid' or 'oh my god I shouldn't have done that' ya get me?

what I'm saying is I want someone who values sex the same way I do.

I mean as I said I got over these issues in the past and was fine for years till this last ex just dragged all this crap up and made me seriously insecure, now I'm back to being insecure and depressed about it.

also if you just gonna say 'get over it' or use this post as somewhere to brag about your sex life/views please go elsewhere I'm trying to get some help here not condemnation.

Marksie

issuesguy80 wrote: »

wow thanks for the replies guys, I think some of you are missing the point. I have to admit there is an element of a madonna/whore thing but in truth i wouldnt want to go out with a virgin or someone whos 'untouched' either and I don't care if my partner has slept with many people so long as the experiences meant something to her other then 'aw deadly I got laid' or 'oh my god I shouldn't have done that' ya get me?.

Who are you to decide what is meaningful or not?
I know followers of sacred sexuality who have had wild times as a means of going through it to following a deeper path.
Just for fun, and pure enjoyment.
whihc is part of making sex sacred dont you know

To critiscise someone for what they did and impose your moral standards is of course your perogative.
But they should not have to suffer your jealousy because of it.

issuesguy80 wrote: »

what I'm saying is I want someone who values sex the same way I do. .

I teckon thewy would be walking on a knife edge there. Its a very narrow ridge of sexual experience there.

issuesguy80 wrote: »

I mean as I said I got over these issues in the past and was fine for years till this last ex just dragged all this crap up and made me seriously insecure, now I'm back to being insecure and depressed about it..

No you didn't get over them or you wouldn't be here.
What is the real issue on this...WHY is there such a narrow focus on certain aspects of somenes past

issuesguy80 wrote: »

also if you just gonna say 'get over it' or use this post as somewhere to brag about your sex life/views please go elsewhere I'm trying to get some help here not condemnation.

Thats unfortunate OP as you will be disappointed in that request.
In itself it shows a narrow minded focus on what you will and will not listen to or entertain.

Something for you to mull over and then get over.

But i really find this last statement telling: that you should veiw others views and "bragging" with such disdain.
Something to that i think...... is that what you would say to women who dont fit your criterion?

It is your issue in the end. You will either accept others or be constantly critsicsing.
Until you find the root casue of your views, you will not be over it.

Why for example did an ex bring that up, if you were over it?

Beruthiel

issuesguy80 wrote: »

I mean as I said I got over these issues in the past and was fine for years till this last ex just dragged all this crap up and made me seriously insecure, now I'm back to being insecure and depressed about it.

Shouldn't you be looking inwards?
If something like this has you insecure and depressed, shouldn't you be asking yourself some hard questions as to why?
Be honest, do you feel in some way inadequate?

or use this post as somewhere to brag about your sex life/views please go elsewhere

Brag? A strange way to look at it. Are not peoples views relevant to the issue here?

LegacyUser

to answer your rather casutic and aggresive response there marksie

1. I am myself, that is who I am to decided what is meangfull to me, I have a right to decide what I am comfortable with. also I wasn't ruling out people who have sex as part of some spiritual fullfilment ceremony or something because frankly thats never actually come up in my life.

if you read my post you'll understand that my problem is not with women and more so with myself, my point was that I don't want women to have to suffer my jealousy and is there anyone out there who can actually finish a post before flying off the handle able to help me.

2. to say my sexual experience is a narrow ridge is needlessly antagonistic and I don't see why you, who by the sounds of it are vastily advanced in sexual endevour, would feel the need to find issue with this. regardless of how narrow my view of sex is should i be discriminated against for wanting to find a like minded partner? surely you would be unhappy to meet a narrow minded girl?

3.as I stated I did infact have some sucess with controlling my emotions over my girlfriends previous sexual experiences (my initial problems with this happened when I was young and very nieve/ sexually inexperienced) since then I have had several girlfriends who I managed to not let it bother me with at all. My problem was my most recent ex, who over a period of time managed to wear me down and by time we split I'd degenerated back down into a paranoid jealous mess.

4. and sadly yes I have no time for people like that brazzillion guy who came on here to simply flame me and put up comments about their sex life/ cause arguments, as with yourself I'm delighted that you and your freinds can enjoy a sex life filled with one night stands a religious ceremonies etc but I can't so please don't try force what YOU deem to be right onto me. I'm not trying to say theres anything wrong with girls who've had sex and yes I know this is MY problem, to say 'its you're issue in the end' is kind of at odds with the point of this board isn't it? I'm aware I need to find the root cause and was hoping someone here who'd been through something similar could maybe help with that.

as you clearly come from a completely different view on this subject and are merly intent on trying to make me out to be a freak because my views differ from yours I'd appreciate if you refrained from posting again.

LegacyUser

to berthriul:

yes it could quite possibly be that! I could be feeling inadeqaute. but the problem is how do i solve that?

oh and the bragging thing was mearly pointed at the brazillion guy who was going on about how he'd slept with girls etc who he wasn't attracted to and that they where into him etc, it seemed kind of off the point. everyone else has been very helpful

Marksie

issuesguy80 wrote: »

as you clearly come from a completely different view on this subject and are merly intent on trying to make me out to be a freak because my views differ from yours I'd appreciate if you refrained from posting again.

Different, yes.

Far from making you a freak, that is the way you are interpretting what i say.
Its designed to make you think.
However, you are bent on defensive defiance and not willing to open to actually looking at why you need to attack differing views.

As for forcing you ..no again that is your interpretation. I personally have no issues with you.

So I would suggest you again look at why you feel the need to be like this. i would also suggest that the Issue here is a symptom of larger issues.

As for its your issue: yes in fact it is.

We are responsible for our issues only and also our relative happiness and unhappiness.

Your post there is littered with assumptions and presumptions.

seraphimvc

HeHasNoIdea wrote: »

I am now being punished when I have found someone I truly love I cant get these thoughts out of my head. I dont know if I poisoned my own mind by my past behaviour and now I am paying the price. It serves me right I know, I know,,,,

exactly like what she said.one way or another,you pay for what you did.

however,you can change your today and tomorrow - willing to give a chance for the woman you love regardless of her past or make sure there is no future between you and her,its your choice,in your hand.story of life mate!enjoy the ride!:D:pac:

trio

If you want to try to find out a root cause for a feeling, then you have to find a counsellor and work through your feelings with them. It may take a while, but you're certainly not going to have a lightbulb moment here - mainly because nobody has had similar feelings to you.

I'm not saying that your feelings are unique, but in Ireland they are probably more unusual than they would have been say, 15 years ago. Nowadays, most 25 year olds are a lot more relaxed about the idea of partners having "devalued" sex than you are.

You are only 25 and are going to be having several relationships in the future before you settle down. To prevent further relationships wrecking your head, it would be advisable to talk to someone to work through how you actually feel underneath it all about women and their attitudes towards sex. You agree that you have a problem, that there is a touch of the Madonna/whore about all this, and you need to sort it because it is upsetting you and you are worried it may adversely affect future relationships. So find a counsellor, and start.

Handsome Bob

trio wrote: »

OP, honestly? It sounds like you have a Madonna/Whore complex. Now you may deny that vigourously, but it certainly sounds like you regard women who have had sexual encounters that were fairly meaningless as "cheap".

In which case, you shouldn't even attempt to be with them. You should have ended your relationship with the last girl as soon as you realised that her sexual standards bothered you to the point of obsession. It's not healthy for you, and I'm sure it wasn't a whole lot of fun for her.

I'm not about to say that you should just get over it - you have a right to have strong opinions about with whom a person should have sex.

But you are going to find it quite difficult to find a girl who has had only sexual partners that she was in love with.

I'm sure you'll find one one day - probably what would suit you best is someone young who's coming out of a very long term relationship - but in the meantime you're being unfair if you start going out with a girl with a checkered past, and then mentally impose your measure of sexual morality on her. She is allowed to have a different concept of sex than you. It doesn't make her less worthy of respect.

To be fair tri, the OP said that he had gotten over his issues somewhat. But then his latest girlfriend treated him badly, such as blowing off her own boyfriend to hang with 30 year olds that she had threesomes with before. Thus his issues have resurfaced.

OP, I'm kind of in your boat. I have no problems with what any girlfriend of mine's previous exploits are, but I personally prefer to have sex with women that mean something to me too. All I can say is that keeping looking and don't lose hope, not every girl will mess with you like your latest one has.