why am i stupidly complicating my life?

LegacyUser

hey.
I already know how people are going to respond, i think, but i still need some clarity on my situation.

I am married and i love him, but im not sure i am in love with him.
Another man has been texting me, and now i think that i have developed actual feelings for him.
I do fancy him even though i try not to and when i broke off the texting for a while i really missed him.
He is a nice enough man but he actually really annoys me, he doesnt answer texts that dont suit him and he is only ever available on his terms, in actual fact i dont even like him that much when i think of it.
He is also in a relationship and it doesnt seem to bother him what he is doing, even though im filled with guilt for both partners.
im all confused about my own feelings and what i should do about this situation!!!!

any insight?

Beruthiel

confused help! wrote: »

any insight?

Ya. Cop on.

You're a married woman and you're paying more attention to some waste of space than your own husband.

Delete you're mans phone number, cut all contact with him and pay attention to your relationship with the man your married.

RedXIV

Maybe more clarity is required. Lets break this down for you. Consider that this may be the start of the new relationship in your life should you take that path, and he's already ignorning you when he feels like it. He also feels no guilt whatsoever in this casual flirting so his partner, which could be you, knows nothing. And this is only going to get worse.

You are actually considering leaving a man who you say you love, who obviously loves you, for a man that might decide he doesn't want to talk to you today.

OP, you may be confused now, but instead of going from confused to miserable, go from confused to determined. Fix your relationship. Before you do something you regret

Karen_*

I don't see where your confusion lies to be honest. You're texting a married man who texts when he feels like it and on his terms. He's married and so are you and he doesn't sound like a very nice man to me. He doesn't care about what he's doing.

Would you like it if your husband was texting another woman?

Miss Fluff

Try and fast forward what's going on now. What do you HONESTLY hope the final outcome to be from all of this? Are you, against your better judgement, hopelessly in love with this man and he you? You know for a fact that's not the case. He's not going to leave his wife and any behaviour to date suggests he's only playing with you on his terms. You admit yourself you don't even like this snake.

I think you need to decide whether you want to fix your marriage. If you DO want to give it a go then it is not fair to have a third party involved. At least then if you decide you do want to seperate from your husband, you will have given it your all.

Why do you think this situation has developed. Has sex become boring? Is there a trust issue? Has your husband done this to you? What in your mind has led up to this?

LegacyUser

I know that it is stupid to even be confused about this, its all fairly clear cut and obvious in the cold light of day.
However i am worried as to why i am even in this situation. i had stopped testing him and told him to do the same which he did for a while but then he started texting again and wrecked my head all over again.

I think you are all right and that he is no good, but this doesnt stop me having these stupid feelings.
I have texted and said that it is to stop that i cant be having the guilt of potentially hurting two innocent people, and suprise suprise he hasnt acknowledged receipt of my text.

I have deleted his number and stuff, but that doesnt stop him texting me whenever he is bored!

im just an idiot really.
And i do love my husband so much, and this sort of behaviour is totally not like me!

is there an easy obvious solution or answer that im not seeing?

thanks a million

LegacyUser

I know that i should just cop on and walk away. i am actually trying to do just that. i have sent a message saying that i am out of this whole thing and that i cant be in contact with him anymore. suprise suprise there was no response.
so i have deleted his number and everything from my phone and i will try my very best to not respond if and when he gets bored or lonley.
i dont know why i am so weak in relation to this because i generally am pretty reasonable and this texting other people is not like me, let alone starting to like them.

thanks for the insight.

RedXIV

be serious about this, if you want him to stop, change your number, it's not that big a deal anymore, just send a message to everyone in your phone book saying you have a new number (remembering to ignore him) and concentrate on rekindling the spark in your marriage. do it soon and put 100% into it.

LegacyUser

Hey. yeah i know i need to focus on my marriage. and give it a chance. the problem is that im not 100% sure that i can fix the marriage.
im afraid that this is just a wake up call.

I dont even like this other man.... but?

Gemini Sister

Whatever about your marriage, this dude is just having the craic from the sounds of it so I'd rule him out straight off. Or look at it this way, if you want to go down that (complicated) road at least save it for a guy who makes some grande romantic gesture... a few text messages, that is not.

So back to work on the marriage then!

Gemini Sister

confused help! wrote: »

I dont even like this other man.... but?

But... it available attention maybe at a time when you need attention? But its not quality attention, so don't even bother replying (easy for other people to say, I know )

seahorse

confused help! wrote: »

He is also in a relationship and it doesnt seem to bother him what he is doing, even though im filled with guilt for both partners.

I find that hard to believe tbh. If I am filled with guilt over something I've done that feeling makes the action impossible to repeat. Either your brain isnt wired up right or you're not feeling any serious guilt here.

LegacyUser

Hi there. thanks for the replies.
as i said originally i am highly confused.
i am constantly guilty and yet i cant help responding when this guy texts. He wants a lot more than text, but as i said he is not actually there emotionally so......
i am aware that im an idiot on this but there is something about this guy.

I am taking a cold turkey approach to it today. no texts at all and hope that it wont hurt so much tomorrow and so on and so forth.

Thanks again

LegacyUser

hi op,i think everyone will have moments in life where there is confusion in a relationship,there are probably more underlining issues going on,for you to fall away from commitment to your husband says you are going through some kind of inner void that needs to be looked at.

What is your relationship like with your husband? is he open to what your needs are and how connected are you as a couple,you might need to do some work on your relationship,because when you see signs of looking away from your husband you need to deal with that head on rather than complicating matters by bringing another person into your current issues.

As i said im sure a lot of people feel like this at times,i did during part of my long term relationship,i realised i was feeling empty inside and needed to check back in with myself,we both did some therapy as a couple and it strengthened our relationship no end.

littlefriend

Even if he was there emotionally and supposing you did like him - you are married. Grow up and cop on tbh.
How old are you?

tobiesheba

It's flattering when somebody's flirting with you and I think it's a pretty natural to respond to that type of attention.

You just have to make sure not to take it any further because you risk ruining your marriage.

Relationships can be hard so I assume marriage can be very difficult so sometimes a distraction is just that.

Maybe you and your husband could have a romantic night in or do something ye both enjoy doing together, this make you realise why you're with him in the first place and that the other guy is just a passing fancy.

LegacyUser

Hi now to answer a few comments, which are all very helpful.
i am quite young to be married to be honest and i think that that is no small part of the problem im experiencing at the moment.
I think that im just freaked out by the whole "im committed to this one person for the rest of my life" thing.
I havent persued this situation with the other man (who i have decided to just cut out of my life as he is really just a distraction), but i havent run away from it either( until now)

I have talked to my husband and he is really understanding of how i feel and i know that he would do anything for us to be happy. He just doesnt know what to do and i dont know what i want him to do.......
the spark of our relationship is just gone.
I have been through a lot in the past couple of years and now that the rest of my life has settled down im looking at the marriage a bit closer!!

further confusion!

Marksie

It is possible to go back and reconnect to your husband.
But first you really have to determine what the issues are.

I would say that you must examine why you got married in the first place.

Also where this is coming from, is it an attention thing or a sex with others thing.
There are basic choices:

Some couples let it drift.
Some couples use processes and pathways to allow them to reconnect.
Some couples open out the realtionship to include others
Some couples lead separate lives under the same roof
and
Some couples break up

What you and your husband have to decide is what path you want to take and what will suit you both.
Certain ones have their own attendent difficulties and should be approched from a solid foundation, in particular opening your marriage out. It should not be used as a last chance to save a flagging marriage. But its is something to discuss and exclude as a possibility.
Drifting is no longer an option.
Breaking up is an option as is leading separate lives, depends on what you decide.
Working on porcesses and pathways will invlove full communication on bothe sides and possible help from a third party.

Whichever you want to explore, you will need to sit down and go through the pros and cons

Irishcrx

Why did you agree to marry a man you are not in love with?

LegacyUser

confused help! wrote: »

Hi now to answer a few comments, which are all very helpful.
i am quite young to be married to be honest and i think that that is no small part of the problem im experiencing at the moment.
I think that im just freaked out by the whole "im committed to this one person for the rest of my life" thing.
I havent persued this situation with the other man (who i have decided to just cut out of my life as he is really just a distraction), but i havent run away from it either( until now)

I have talked to my husband and he is really understanding of how i feel and i know that he would do anything for us to be happy. He just doesnt know what to do and i dont know what i want him to do.......
the spark of our relationship is just gone.
I have been through a lot in the past couple of years and now that the rest of my life has settled down im looking at the marriage a bit closer!!

further confusion!

Its good that you are able to be honest with your husband,i think you have to realise that there is a lot going on for you,and you mentioned that you have been through a lot latley,it is common to project our insecurities onto our partners because they are the closest people to us,try and be good to yourself,you havent actually done anything and you seem to want to make some progress to restore your marraige,

i really can relate,i remember i didnt know if i loved my BF anymore but we had some moments where we nearly split up and when that moment came i realised that i loved him,and i let all my emotions out,i had a lot of bent up emotion,i was so fncked up at the time form other emotional issues from my past that i was testing him to see if he loved me,

when ever there is a problem like this you have to look deep inside yourself and try and see what is going on for you-try not to be too afraid,your husband sounds understanding and if you can continue speaking to him you can work it out.

Would you be open to seeing a therapist to get some insight into the confusion it is causing you?

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the advice and guidance.
I have been not texting th eother man for two days and i am actually not as put out about it as i was last time. in retrospect i didnt even like him and he was starting to turn me into a crazy person with the whole " will he even text back " thing.
I feel a lot more relaxed now that im not trying to keep him happy.

myself and husband talk about everything anyway and we are trying to work through a bit of stuff.
I think that it is an attention thing with me to be honest. not that my husband doesnt give me enough attention..... in very complicated at the best of times.
I am actually starting to feel really bad for messing with this other man and making his situation more complicated. I feel really guilty that because of me he has maybe risked his relationship.

so to sum up.
I will cop on to myself and stay away from the other man
I will work on things with my husband
I will work on my own issues and try not to let this happen again.

Thanks a mill.

05D

You are lacking excitement in your own life with your husband. You need to be spontaneous and surprise him or subtly let him know you need excitement.

Maybe book a surprise dirty weekend away for you and ur hubby maybe get the spark back.

Karen_*

confused help! wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the advice and guidance.
I have been not texting th eother man for two days and i am actually not as put out about it as i was last time. in retrospect i didnt even like him and he was starting to turn me into a crazy person with the whole " will he even text back " thing.
I feel a lot more relaxed now that im not trying to keep him happy.

myself and husband talk about everything anyway and we are trying to work through a bit of stuff.
I think that it is an attention thing with me to be honest. not that my husband doesnt give me enough attention..... in very complicated at the best of times.
I am actually starting to feel really bad for messing with this other man and making his situation more complicated. I feel really guilty that because of me he has maybe risked his relationship.

so to sum up.
I will cop on to myself and stay away from the other man
I will work on things with my husband
I will work on my own issues and try not to let this happen again.

Thanks a mill.

Good on you OP. Haven't a clue why we do silly things when we know they're silly but we all do them. I think you're in a bad place and when that happens you find yourself clinging for the crumbs of someone who's really bad for you. You know though that you're better than that. Work on liking yourself and your self esteem. Best of luck xx

LegacyUser

Hey guys.

just to thank everyone for the insight. As i said, i already had a fair idea that i was being stupid, however it is very hard to see the wood for the preverbial trees.

I have made serious efforts in the dealing with husband thing and am making some progress, i am in the lucky position that he loves me totally and would move the world for me.

I have been text free for three days now and the actual pain is lessening hour on hour. It still hurts a lot more than it should but i am dealing with it.

I am also looking into fulfilling my need for excitement and risk elsewhere in a healthy way... ie sky diving and rally driving, combat sports and so on and so forth. This way the only one i can hurt is myself.

I am just glad it didnt go as far as it could have and then i would be in real trouble.

Thanks again for the support

birdie08

Karen_* wrote: »

I don't see where your confusion lies to be honest. You're texting a married man who texts when he feels like it and on his terms. He's married and so are you and he doesn't sound like a very nice man to me. He doesn't care about what he's doing.

Would you like it if your husband was texting another woman?

Karen, in fairness thats not what she is asking..Of course she wouldnt like another woman texting her husband, but you know if you have not already noticed life isnt all that simple!! It would be great if we could believe we grow up,meet prince charming, get married have 2.4 kids and live happily ever after...eh No , to the majority that does not happen..