Just need to let it all out...

LegacyUser

Long time poster going unregged for this one. This issue will seem minor to most on this forum, and it is, but it is an issue that's important to me. I'm not really looking for advice as such, just a place to express myself and get it all out, it's probably going to be a long one.

I'll start from the very beginning. As a young boy i loved to play around, soccer, tennis, riding my bike etc, as all kids do. In primary school i was the oldest, the biggest, the fastest. I was in the school soccer team for a couple of years and was pretty good if i say so myself, we had a sports day every year and one year i won every single race i was in, to this day that is one of the happiest days of my life. I'm in my mid 20's now.

In the last year before moving into secondary school, i had an issue with an older kid in the area where i lived. I can't remember how it started, but we did have a couple of run ins. I wouldn't say i was bullied, but i felt very intimidated and scared. Because of this i started to hide away, instead of going out with friends to play, i would stay in doors and watch tv and play video games. This would to a certain extent continue in to my teens.

I became overweight, i was no longer the fastest or the best at anything and I didn't do what teenage boys should do, i was still somewhat of a hermit. I didn't play soccer or any sports anymore, i would stay in my comfort zone, in my room, watching tv and eating crap. Then puberty hit me and i began to loose the ''puppy fat'', or at least i was told so. At the time it was all oblivious to me really, i didn't fully understand what was happening or even how i appeared. It's only now that i look back at pictures and compare a pic of me at 14 to one of me at 17 and i look completely different. I was probably the same weight, but much taller at 17, probably 6'' taller, which is quite the difference. So, although i was probably still overweight, i had slimmed down to an acceptable level, but in my mind i was the same.

I was probably about 18 stone at the time, but carried it well with my height, however i was still living a sedentary lifestyle, spending my days eating and drinking fizzy drinks. At the time i could easily get through more than 2L of coke a day, add that with sod all exercise and you're really heading down a dangerous path. So, i copped on to myself and asked for a gym membership for my 17th or 18th birthday(can't remember which). Stopped eating a drinking crap and for 3 months or so was making good progress, felt really good physically and more important mentally (the high caffeine/sugar content of coke really ****s with ya, i think i'd rather go cold turkey on heroin, ok, slight exaggeration there;))

Unfortunately, over the xmas period my gym attendance declined and by the time January had started it had stopped and motivation was non existent. Repeat this cycle over and over again for a few years and you get where i am now, almost 23 stone.

My last attempt at fighting this was only a couple of months ago, joined a local gym, went for a month and actually enjoyed it! Felt fantastic!! But something, i don't know what, something self destructive inside me just made me stop, i would miss a few days and then wouldn't go back. What's worse is my eating habits are at an all time low. I barely eat, and when i do it's junk food. I work in a shopping centre and a boring job, and i think i comfort eat to counteract general boredom!! I eat approx one meal a day (usually fast food) in the afternoon and MAYBE something when i get home, which would generally just be bread or something anyway. And once again fizzy drinks are just destroying me, i've gotten to a point where i actually crave a bottle of coke when i wake up in the morning, my intake is probably nearing 2L a day again.

Over the last 6 weeks alone i have visibly gained weight (i don't weigh myself) and perspiration has increased dramatically. I have a short walk to work and although i'd normally be sweating anyway by the time i got there, over the last few weeks not only would i be sweating when i get there, but i continue sweating for at least 30 minutes before i cool down. Fair enough, i wear a suit and it's summer, but c'mon!!! It's actually embarrassing at this point.

Normally, i could just kick myself up the arse and just try again with the gym and diet, but this time, i'm just really loosing faith. It's clear to me now more than ever that i have larger issues with food. I definitely comfort eat, i tell myself i won't but as time goes on it's getting harder and harder to say no. I see people walking down the street who are morbidly obese and i know if i continue like this i WILL be in their shoes in 10 years time, and i really don't want to allow myself to get into that position.

It's gotten to a point where, for a split second, i have contemplated just starving myself. It's ridiculous, i have had viruses before which stopped me eating for a week or two where i'd loose a stone at least. Sometimes i think if i just do that, it would help. But i would NEVER do that, i'm smarter than that. I even bought a weeks supply of lipotrim but decided against it because i felt like i was cheating, i wanted to do it the hard way and be proud of myself, but it hasn't happened.

All i want is to be fit and healthy and buy normal clothes, to be able to play soccer again and keep up with people. To have some kind of grace and agility!! I don't want to be the fat guy. I don't think i'm ugly, i believe i'm a handsome guy, i've been told so and sometimes when i look in the mirror i like what i see. But you know when you see people who are larger than life and think to yourself ''he's really handsome, but if he just lost a little bit of weight, he'd be pretty damn hot!''. I think that could be me, and i'd like to believe it can happen.

I'm not sure what else to write really, but i must say that just getting this out has made me feel better. I'm sure some people will come on here and just tell me to get a grip on myself and just say no to all this crap i eat, and i agree with them and would most likely say it myself if in their shoes. However, it's not always as easy as that. I have been saying no for about 8 years now, but it only takes one yes to ruin it all put you back at square one.

Thanks for reading.

smellslikeshoes

I'll leave the usual psychiatric babble to someone else and just say to get yourself over to the fitness forum, some of the people over there could motivate a tree to start marathon running.

the glass woman

Hi OP, if you do feel you have larger issues with food perhaps you would consider counselling? After all there's really no point in dealing with the symptoms, ie the weight, without identifying the cause...

Tragedy

I dont get one it only takes one yes to put you back to square one?

One yes = being naughty once and eating something you shouldnt, you dont gain however many stone just by saying yes once.

Self control isnt about teetering on a precipice where if you fall, it's all over.

girl_friday

would u try weightwatchers?? Counselling also a great idea!

Miss Fluff

Maybe post in this forum too OP, they know their stuff!

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=252