Life experienced?

LegacyUser

I'm 22 and so is my bf and we're talking about getting engaged. Now I love the man to bits, and likewise, but I've finished a degree, lived abroad, inter-railed and had other serious relantionships, where he hasn't done any of these things, I'm his first gf and he still lives with his mother. I'm scared we'll get married and he'll want to travel and regret not meeting other women, where I'm ready to settle down, get a house and have babies in a few years. I love him, but I feel guilty that I'll tie him down!

taram

Am in a similar situation but I figure we're young and if he wants to travel I'll go with him. Lots of countries to see yet. Experience is one thing, but if you both love and respect each other then it won't matter if he's had 20 gfs or none. Have you talked to him about the future? He might have no plans to travel, and if ye are talking about being engaged then he clearly doesn't want another woman. Good luck!

MagicMarker

imho 22 is way too young for ANYONE to get married and that's something i feel VERY strongly about. But people do, some last, most don't.

This guy still lives with mammy ffs, he is not ready to settle down, unless he's looking for a new 'mammy'?

castie

Why not just go traveling together? Maybe a year living together in Aus?

Marksie

If you are scared, then the only person to talk to is your b/friend. You are correct in that a) you are young, havent muhc life experience.

But he may be happy transferring from one mammy to another.

He may be a stay at home, only you two can explore the issues.

You are right to ask these questions at this stage, do it openly and avaoiding the "does that mean you don't love me?" trap. That is emotions overruling practicalities.

Still an engagement is just that. If you get engaged, then it isn't the end of the world, it indicates a deeper level of commitment visible to others (though the level of commitment you give to yourselves is what really matters).

Whether I believe 22 is too young is immaterial. You have lots of time just to let this go where it will rather than prescribe a strict timeline of events, looking to the future in such a way is counterproductive as it sets in worries about living in the present which may interfere with your enjoyment of each other.

In the end it comes down to one simple fact:
If you have talked openly and effectively about all this, you will have all the information you need to make a conscious decision.

boogle

I don't think it is a good idea to get engaged to someone if you don't live together first. That's regardless of age. You learn a lot from living with a person that you would never have found out otherwise. Try moving in together for a while first.

K_P

I can see your point OP, but travelling isn't the answer for everyone. No disrespect to anyone here but it seems like some people think the answer to all problems is a year in Australia. :rolleyes: I'm not saying your bf will never want to do that, but there's every chance he won't.

22 seems young to be settling down, but I started going out with my now husband when I was 21, moved in together at 22 and got married at 26. I used to be firmly of the belief that your twenties was far too young to be settling down, but if you both love each other, if it's both what you want, then I see no reason not to got for it.

You can never predict how someone is going to feel in 5 or 10 years time, but are you seriously going to split up with someone you love and who loves you back for fear of how he might feel in 10 years time.

Bottom line: talk to him, see how he feels, decide together what you both want to do.

How Strange

K_P wrote: »

I can see your point OP, but travelling isn't the answer for everyone. No disrespect to anyone here but it seems like some people think the answer to all problems is a year in Australia. :rolleyes: I'm not saying your bf will never want to do that, but there's every chance he won't.

Yep, have to agree with this sentiment. Life experience isn't defined by a drink fuelled year's travelling around Oz and SEA.

Life experience is about dealing with the sh1t that life throws at you, how you handle it and the person you become as a result. It's nothing to do with having a degree or travelling although those things are a part of your life experience. OP, just because your fiance choses to stay at home with Mammy instead of doing what you did doesn't mean he hasn't experienced life or that you're more experienced. It just means you have different life experiences.

22 seems young to be settling down, but I started going out with my now husband when I was 21, moved in together at 22 and got married at 26. I used to be firmly of the belief that your twenties was far too young to be settling down, but if you both love each other, if it's both what you want, then I see no reason not to got for it.

Agree here too. In my personal opinion, 22 is very young to get married but it works for some people. Others wait until their 30's and it doesn't work for them so horses for courses I suppose.
The most important thing is that you speak to each other about your fears etc.

There are no guarantees that he won't want to travel or go back to college or do one of a thousand other things in his 30's or 40's or 50's but both of you will change and grow alot over the next 10-15 years so neither of you can predict what the other will want to do in the future and if those needs will upset your relationship.

pookie82

K_P wrote: »

I can see your point OP, but travelling isn't the answer for everyone. No disrespect to anyone here but it seems like some people think the answer to all problems is a year in Australia. :rolleyes: I'm not saying your bf will never want to do that, but there's every chance he won't..

+ 1000

I totally agree. Every person I know lately who leaves college (or even in the middle) decides that a year in Oz is needed for some reason or another and many go out there, spend a year on the beer, come home none the wiser or richer, but feel like they've travelled and ticked some sort of box. Fair enough if you really want to see the world and the Oz trip is your thing but not everyone wants that. I've never been compelled to travel with my life in a rucksack and I'm 26 now - there's a lot to be said for taking your holidays later on when you can afford them and have security. Everyone is different. I guess the point is that the travel buzz seems to be really overrated and everyone feels like it's almost something that is required of them before they can even dream of settling down, just because everyone does it.

It sounds like you may have spoken to him about this already? If not, he's the only one that can give you the answer you're looking for. I'm sure as others said that unless he's very naive, with an engagement on the cards he's thought long and hard about what he wants from life.

Many think 22 is crazy young to settle down and for them it would be. But everyone is different. I think it'd be crazy to give up what sounds like a serious and great relationship for a stint in a country abroad because you feel like he should. Let him decide what's right for him - by all means tell him your worries, lay out all the pitfalls and ask him to give it a serious thought. But if he comes back and says he's happy to settle now then respect his choice, trust his instincts, and don't presume that he needs to do all that you have done before he can happily move to the next stage.

RedXIV

boogle wrote: »

I don't think it is a good idea to get engaged to someone if you don't live together first. That's regardless of age. You learn a lot from living with a person that you would never have found out otherwise. Try moving in together for a while first.

+1

Too many people don't try this step first and as a result are completely unprepared for what it is like to live with this person they may believe has no faults. If you want to move a step up in commitment, this is what i would recommend

bstar

you really dont have to travel to be experienced in life. my OH has done the year in oz thing and travelled about etc while ive not stayed at home i just moved out and got a job but i never went travelling.

most ppl say between us that im the more mature one and i know what i want more. id almost say i have more real life experience than him.

travelling isnt for everyone. hes obviously happy the way things are now or he would have went travelling before you.

although i do agree that i think u should live together for at least 3/4 months before u get engaged its the best way to know someone

Miss Fluff

Trust me OP, there's a whole lot of life to be experienced after 22 and although you see yourself as worldy-wise and having done lots, contemplating marrying someone at 22 whom you have never lived with or experienced little together shows a huge naiivety on your part. What's the rush? 22 is WAY too young to be thinking of making such a massive step. Go and have some wild adventures together or as someone said you'll find yourself being Mammy Number Two in no short order, you're not long out of your teens ffs.

You mention your degree and inter-railing etc as experiences, these are merely rights of passage and I'd be concerned about his maturity level if he hasn't even dipped his toes in these waters tbh.

axer

been around wrote: »

I'm 22 and so is my bf and we're talking about getting engaged. Now I love the man to bits, and likewise, but I've finished a degree, lived abroad, inter-railed and had other serious relantionships, where he hasn't done any of these things, I'm his first gf and he still lives with his mother. I'm scared we'll get married and he'll want to travel and regret not meeting other women, where I'm ready to settle down, get a house and have babies in a few years. I love him, but I feel guilty that I'll tie him down!

Some people don't need to travel and are perfectly content with staying in Ireland (or not going on extended trips abroad). There is no point worrying because there is nothing you can do about the things you are worried about.

I would definitely agree with the whole getting engaged without living together first is crazy opinion. You don't really know someone until you live with them.

Whats the big rush to get married? Why not live together for a year or two at least first?

ZygOte

22 and ready to settle down? i dont know that you are seeing the bigger picture. IMO you are both way way to young and have only just started out in life. im 30 now, ive seen and done a lot since 22 and theres still a whole lot more out there.

i think you would both come to regret an engagement at this time in your lives, you think your grown up but you still have a long way to go, so get on with life and enjoy it and enjoy each others company. If marriage is still the right choice for you in a few years then go for it, but for now, get out and live life.

pookie82

It's mad the way some threads on here are dedicated to girls (usually) who are terrifed of being left on the shelf at 28 and life moving on without them etc. Almost every thread in some form or another concerns unhappiness in love and relationships. Yet when someone comes on at a young age saying they think they've found the one all they get is negative reaction telling them to cop on and go live life first etc. IMO 22 is not too naive to know when you've found the person you want to have a crack at spending the rest of your life with. None of us can gauge how experienced, mature or otherwise either of them are.

Op I do think living together for a while might be a good idea before marriage. You could just have a long engagement and spend more time preparing for the next step. I don't think that his travelling or lack thereof should have a huge impact on you. Marriage doesn't mean that life stops - if you don't have kids right away there's no limits to what you can do together.

If you were two or three years older (24 or 25) I doubt there'd be as much discontent with you getting hitched. I have loads of mates who are getting engaged at 25 and no one is raising an eyebrow. In the grand scheme of things spending a lifetime together (lets just say the next 50 years or so if you both live into their seventies) is not going to be drastically changed by a couple of years added on. Life is life. Maybe he hasn't lived alone before or gone to Oz for his obligatory rite of passage but i know a hell of a lot of people who have done those things and have come out the other side none the wiser. It all depends on the individual.