I'm lost

Uh Oh!

Where do I start? I'm married and in my mid thirties, but still living like I was twenty one. Here goes... I'm really lost. I love my husband very much, he is sweet, good lucky and totally committed. But I can't stop living like a single person. I've recently finished an affair (also came clean), with a guy I wouldn't leave my husband for because I didn't think I could make a complete commitment to him either. For years I was very independant and lived the single life, now I can't seem to stop going out and enjoying male attention. My friends keep reminding me I'm married cause I literally 'forget'. Last night was really bad, drinking of course... basically today my phone has been hopping with texts from two guys I know & an ex or two. Even when I go to the gym I'm eyeing someone up. Its not even about sex, as my other half is a bit of a stunner and I don't want to have sex with him (spark gone?) and the lying eventually turned me off sex with lover, so feeling frigid & slutty at same time.
Have always wanted to be a mother & have been trying with hubby for past year but its not happening. I think being parents could 'save' us cause apart from my 'problem' we are very kind to each other... but as I said its not happening. Needless to say I'm also drinking too much of late. When I was younger I always had something I wanted in mind - career, marriage, babies - now I don't have a direction. I know alot of what I'm doing is wrong & I am very depressed. What is the way ahead?

Liam Byrne

Uh Oh! wrote: »

I think being parents could 'save' us cause apart from my 'problem' we are very kind to each other

Recipe for disaster. Fix the problem before you even consider bringing a kid into the equation.

StormWarrior

You sound as if you feel trapped and like you're missing out. Didn't you get to live the 20-something lifestyle when you were younger?

sunshinegirl

how would you feel if your hubbie had an affair?i dont see the point in staying with your husband as you dont respect him nor anyone enough to be faithful.

I think you should be honest with yourself and give him the freedom of being single,as that is what you seem to long for yourself.I dont see any point in making yourself or him miserable with your affairs.

Uh Oh!

StormWarrior wrote: »

You sound as if you feel trapped and like you're missing out. Didn't you get to live the 20-something lifestyle when you were younger?

Yes and no. I was long term relationships for a good bit of my twenties, and didn't have money or confidence so much. But I had alot of adventures too and find it hard to stop that.

I don't want to have another affair or hurt him again. I don't know if I should stick with the marriage or not. I know I'm lucky to have someone like him. But part of me pulls away. Just full of doubt about everything.

elle

I find it really hard to feel sorry for you OP!! I doubt you would sympathize if your husband was "depressed" enough to go around having affairs and handing out his number to other women. Maybe sunshinegirl is right and you owe it to yourself and your hubby to start fresh, I think it would be extremely selfish and stupid to bring a child into this situation.

Uh Oh!

elle wrote: »

I find it really hard to feel sorry for you OP!! I doubt you would sympathize if your husband was "depressed" enough to go around having affairs and handing out his number to other women. Maybe sunshinegirl is right and you owe it to yourself and your hubby to start fresh, I think it would be extremely selfish and stupid to bring a child into this situation.

yeah not loving myself too much right now either.... Sometimes I wish he would hand out his number to other women cause maybe that would make me cop on.

elle

Yeah I dunno what advice to give you at all - would you try talking to your hubby (maybe not about the affair ) and find out why you are not happy/content???

Uh Oh!

elle wrote: »

Yeah I dunno what advice to give you at all - would you try talking to your hubby (maybe not about the affair ) and find out why you are not happy/content???

I came clean about the affair (very painful for all) cause I thought as soon as that was over & I'd been honest we could start again. It just hasn't worked out as easy as that so far. ... it doesn't look like there is an easy way. I'll probably keep my head down and stay in for awhile & not drink & try to get through stuff. As for talking to him... at this point I don't even know what I could say. Its just nothing is so wrong with 'us' that I feel motivated to leave, but I'm not 'there' 100%. Am considering counselling but am afraid a counseller will tell me to leave... I just don't see the way ahead right now, I don't have a 'big vision'. Ugh, I'm even boring myself

tSubh Dearg

I think counselling, both for yourself and as a couple, should be an option that you look at. I honestly couldn't walk away from a marriage without at least having a go at trying to fix the problems in it.

Also, bringing a child into the equation at this point is a very bad idea, it is extremely unlikely to bring you together and much more likely to show the cracks between you.

sunshinegirl

counselling would be a good idea,as is giving up the drink.Why not keep a journal of your thoughts,feelings and maybe you can pinpoint whats wrong.

fits

Uh Oh! wrote: »

I came clean about the affair (very painful for all) cause I thought as soon as that was over & I'd been honest we could start again. It just hasn't worked out as easy as that so far. ... it doesn't look like there is an easy way. I'll probably keep my head down and stay in for awhile & not drink & try to get through stuff. As for talking to him... at this point I don't even know what I could say. Its just nothing is so wrong with 'us' that I feel motivated to leave, but I'm not 'there' 100%. Am considering counselling but am afraid a counseller will tell me to leave... I just don't see the way ahead right now, I don't have a 'big vision'. Ugh, I'm even boring myself

Well you're not happy with things as they are now obviously. So thats something, even if you dont see a way ahead right now.

The question is what do you want from your life? Where do you want to go from here?

I think if you wish to stay with your husband, a huge amount of work will have to go into it (and the counsellor shouldnt tell you either way what to do btw). But it could be very rewarding.

Or you could find a whole new life opens up for you if you leave.

Whatever it is, the status quo isnt working so you'll have to go one way or the other. Its not fair on either of you as it is now.

Talliesin

Uh Oh! wrote: »

I think being parents could 'save' us

If it does it'll probably be the first time in the history of mankind.

mbren

Hi OP, I can't understand why you, and so many other people on here are in the relationships ye are in. So many of you seem unhappy and are living complete lies.

Excuse me for being so blunt, but you don't deserve your husband, and in no way should you bring a child into this...Speaking of children, drinking so much is hardly helping you in your quest to get pregnant.

My advice to you would be, 1) Leave your husband and let him get on with his life, 2) Live out whatever desire it is you have to act like someone in their early 20's and 3) Don't commit to someone until you are ready to be faithful.

Miss Fluff

You mention a couple of times in your post that you are drinking too much. How much are you actually drinking?Maybe it's time you knocked it on the head if you can't control your actions when under the influence.

As other posters have pointed out, Band-Aid babies don't work so getting pregnant when your life is in such a mess probably isn't a very good idea. You don't suddenly develop a maturity gene when you give birth.

Uh Oh!

Hi everyone, thanks for the replies.

Have been doing something... yes, drinking is a problem, its been normal for me & my social circle (mostly single girlfiends) to drink fairly heavily every weekend, also glasses of wine during the week to 'relax' after work. Also anytime him & me have to 'smooth' stuff over we tend to that with a joint and a glass of wine... I think I've been pretending thats normal for along time & yeah, I think I need to cop on.

Also its dawning on me that maybe I'm a bit depressed & I'm looking for a reason & blaming him or us? Maybe its drink related too? Right now I'd rather believe that than believe I'm bored with my husband .

Will talk to him about counselling tonight, but thats going to be difficult cause he thinks we've got through our crisis and are back on track (& me & him are not great 'talkers' ), but you are all right, burying my head in the sand is what has allowed this all to happen. Thanks again.

MJOR

Ok you're not mother theresa....That much we've established. But you're not a bad person....

I'd suggest laying off the drink for a while. Don't even think about having babies.

Sit your hubby down and have a chat. Maybe its time to go for couselling / parting of ways?

I understand that you feel how you do but can you remember why you got married etc?

Miss Fluff

Uh Oh! wrote: »

Also its dawning on me that maybe I'm a bit depressed & I'm looking for a reason & blaming him or us? Maybe its drink related too?

If you are lamping into the booze then yes, you will feel depressed. Go off it and the blow now for a while and reevaulate your life with a clear head.

seraphimvc

OP,it is a just a matter of fact that you have no idea how lucky you are - do you really appreaciate the life you have now?imo you can ask the question yourself rather than seeking help online.goodluck!

dresden8

Uh Oh! wrote: »

yes, drinking is a problem, its been normal for me & my social circle (mostly single girlfiends) to drink fairly heavily every weekend,

You are not single, no matter how much you pretend to be with your friends.

Stop living the single life or get out of your marriage.

Simple choice.

K-9

Uh Oh! wrote: »

Have been doing something... yes, drinking is a problem, its been normal for me & my social circle (mostly single girlfiends) to drink fairly heavily every weekend, also glasses of wine during the week to 'relax' after work.
Also its dawning on me that maybe I'm a bit depressed & I'm looking for a reason & blaming him or us?

Single girlfriends will be a problem with you, if you have no self control. It's an excuse to make your behaviour acceptable.

Depression and drink is another excuse to mess around. I'd have a suspicion your problem is selfishness and lack of self control, not depression, drink or hubby. Your a cheater, same as a male cheater is, that's the problem! You'll make excuses, but that's what it comes down to!

Uh Oh wrote:

Will talk to him about counselling tonight, but thats going to be difficult cause he thinks we've got through our crisis and are back on track (& me & him are not great 'talkers' ), but you are all right, burying my head in the sand is what has allowed this all to happen. Thanks again.

Still not telling him the truth!

The problem is you think it's OK to cheat and lie, sure there's excuses isn't there? Always somebody to blame, except yourself?

Noland

How do you know he hasnt cheated on you all this time,.. ? just a question

I do agree you need to cop onto yourself, if your not enjoying it then why do it.

Also reckon ye both could be great friends and way too kind to each other but deep down whats missing? only you can really answer yourself,.. But my advise is to see what makes you happy in life and do that.

Uh Oh!

Well the general consensus is that I need to cop on & I'm in no position to disagree with that. Still haven't brought up counselling, maybe I'm a bit afraid of it, but still plan to. Off the drink, really turned off it so thats a start.
I'm at a bit of a cross roads cause I just don't know whether to put the energy into soldiering on with this rel or cutting both our losses and splitting up & right now I don't even know how to do that. At what point do you know?
I know you people probably don't have the answer to that but thanks anyway, this has helped me think straighter.

K-9

Uh Oh! wrote: »

Well the general consensus is that I need to cop on & I'm in no position to disagree with that. Still haven't brought up counselling, maybe I'm a bit afraid of it, but still plan to. Off the drink, really turned off it so thats a start.
I'm at a bit of a cross roads cause I just don't know whether to put the energy into soldiering on with this rel or cutting both our losses and splitting up & right now I don't even know how to do that. At what point do you know?
I know you people probably don't have the answer to that but thanks anyway, this has helped me think straighter.

That's up to you! Many women go through far worse relationships and it works out!

It mightn't, but you'll never know unless you try!

Carrigart Exile

Uh Oh! wrote: »

Where do I start? I'm married and in my mid thirties, but still living like I was twenty one. Here goes... I'm really lost. I love my husband very much, he is sweet, good lucky and totally committed. But I can't stop living like a single person. I've recently finished an affair (also came clean), with a guy I wouldn't leave my husband for because I didn't think I could make a complete commitment to him either. For years I was very independant and lived the single life, now I can't seem to stop going out and enjoying male attention. My friends keep reminding me I'm married cause I literally 'forget'. Last night was really bad, drinking of course... basically today my phone has been hopping with texts from two guys I know & an ex or two. Even when I go to the gym I'm eyeing someone up. Its not even about sex, as my other half is a bit of a stunner and I don't want to have sex with him (spark gone?) and the lying eventually turned me off sex with lover, so feeling frigid & slutty at same time.
Have always wanted to be a mother & have been trying with hubby for past year but its not happening. I think being parents could 'save' us cause apart from my 'problem' we are very kind to each other... but as I said its not happening. Needless to say I'm also drinking too much of late. When I was younger I always had something I wanted in mind - career, marriage, babies - now I don't have a direction. I know alot of what I'm doing is wrong & I am very depressed. What is the way ahead?

Instead of being seen as a respectable married woman you are now seen as easy and even better - sex with no complications or responsibilities because some other mug is picking up the bill for you. You can carry on that way, disrespecting your husband, treating him and your marraige vows like dirt, or you can decide from today to stop. Cut out the drinking, find other things to do for a night out and stop looking for male attention to fill in gaps in your confidence. Can I ask one rather personal question, and, from my experience, could be linked to your behaviour. Are you taking Prozac, because linked with alcohol it can lead to the life you are living.

That last bit re Prozac is asked because a dear friend of mine went through a very similar pattern to you, and she had a child and it made not the slightest bit of difference.

Mullah

You are treating your husband appallingly.

Either change your ways or get out of the relationship.

Frankly it should be the latter. Your selfishness is extrememly disturbing and from what you have told us he deserves a lot better than you.

As for children, you seem odds on to prove Philip Larkin right I think.

Uh Oh!

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Instead of being seen as a respectable married woman you are now seen as easy and even better - sex with no complications or responsibilities because some other mug is picking up the bill for you. You can carry on that way, disrespecting your husband, treating him and your marraige vows like dirt, or you can decide from today to stop. Cut out the drinking, find other things to do for a night out and stop looking for male attention to fill in gaps in your confidence. Can I ask one rather personal question, and, from my experience, could be linked to your behaviour. Are you taking Prozac, because linked with alcohol it can lead to the life you are living.

That last bit re Prozac is asked because a dear friend of mine went through a very similar pattern to you, and she had a child and it made not the slightest bit of difference.

In answer to the first part, I'm not promiscuous now, beyond flirting which I know is already too much.
I did have an affair but that was with a good & genuine guy who didn't deserve my games either.

As to the other part, no, never been on anti depressants though I have considered it in the past.

Think I just have to keep the head down and hope things change... or I change.

Thanks.

sunshinegirl

i guess,you gotta get pen to paper and write down what you want in life, what you want for the future,and maybe the pro and cons of making a go with the hubbie.Then it will be laid out in front of you in black and white.

fits

Uh Oh! wrote: »

Think I just have to keep the head down and hope things change... or I change.

.

Nothing will change if that is your attitude. Hope is not good enough. In order to change you will have to be proactive.

It is your life, you are in control of it.

You can change if the will is there.

newname

I don't know where your husband is when your on your nights out, but after cheating on him i'm sure he's miserable wondering what you are upto every time you go on the beer. Seems like the buzz of male attention is more desirable to you than the love if your husband. Its a pity your married at all coz if you were only in a relationship most people would advise you to leave the man in peace.
Only you know the situation, the rest of us here know very little about your life so i'm sure you'll find a solution yourself - but do keep his feelings in mind.

Oryx

Uh Oh! wrote: »

Have always wanted to be a mother & have been trying with hubby for past year but its not happening. I think being parents could 'save' us cause apart from my 'problem' we are very kind to each other... but as I said its not happening. Needless to say I'm also drinking too much of late. When I was younger I always had something I wanted in mind - career, marriage, babies - now I don't have a direction. I know alot of what I'm doing is wrong & I am very depressed. What is the way ahead?

This part in all youve said has stood out for me. Seems to me that when you were younger you were cooly ticking off all the 'rites of passage' boxes towards becoming a proper adult. Relationships, sex, marriage, now babies. Like they were steps you had to take, and something to give you purpose and as you say, direction.

Now youve had to stop moving in any particular direction and youre floundering around trying to find something to fulfil you. Drink and sex and flirting are only distractions to fill that gap in direction right now.

I just think you should ask some very direct questions of yourself.

Are you happy where you are right now. Home, life, husband?
Do you love him?
Do you fancy him, sexually?
What makes you feel good about yourself?

I think you need to work on yourself and your own esteem and why you are being so self destructive, and then work on your marriage.

4Xcut

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Recipe for disaster. Fix the problem before you even consider bringing a kid into the equation.

Exactly, it's very unfair to bring a child into the world if you are not going to be able to care for it completely, most people couldn't give the proper attention if they were fighting to save a marraige.

stressed out

OP do you feel like there is something missing from your life and this us what is causing you to drink heavily and have affairs?
it sounds like to me you are unfulfilled and feel trapped in your life - maybe you're in a boring/unfulfilling job or have no interests/hobbies outside of socializing. Maybe you feel spiritually empty?
All these things can cause us to "escape"

OfflerCrocGod

Uh Oh! wrote: »

Have always wanted to be a mother & have been trying with hubby for past year but its not happening.

A year seems a long time to be trying.....are you worried that one of you is incapable? Maybe you?

offroadannie

Your initial post says that you love your husband. Hold on to this thought really tight.

I don't think its time to be completely honest with hubby, just yet. Counselling is a really good place for you to start to change your life. You can learn self worth there and realise that you deserve true happiness. And you are far from happy now so just make one little step to change and you'll be surprised how strong you really are.

There's only one person who can make things better for you...........