Mother troubles

LegacyUser

Dear All,

It is my 22nd birthday tommorow. I live in Dublin & my mother & immediate family live in Australia. About 4 months ago my mother & I had an argument because she was trying to say bad things about my boyfriend because when i lived with her she used to control me & lean on me for support & before i met my boyfriend she had no job & left it up to me to work full time to support her & my two siblings (she divorced my dad when i was 13).

So basically i keep checking the mailbox and got a b'day card from my dad & nana etc but none from my own mother... i cant describe how sad it makes me... even my boyfriends mother gave me a b'day present & card last night & i was truly touched by this gesture.

My mother has always been very immature & when my boyfriend & i went over to OZ for holiday in Feb this year she tried to start fights, just one of those ppl who if your not doing stuff for her then get lost... but to do this to me, her oldest daughter who supported her from age 13 & who has now found true love & starting to write my life... why is she making me suffer so?

I will be sad tommorow when i turn 22 without a single happy birthday from my mother.. Im not looking forward to waking up tommorow at all, I know i need to have a big discussion with her but just dont know where to start... and wonder will she ever really grow up? How do i approach this at all? its just been 4 months of silence.... although once when talking to my sibling i asked if she was there & heard her say "i dont want to talk to 'her'' "

What on earth am i meant to do?

Karen_*

Op why not wait until tomorrow and see does she call you. There might be a card in the post on Monday even. Don't write her off just yet.

If indeed she doesn't call or send you anything then there's not alot you can do about it. Its hurtful I know, but you've got good things going on in your life at the moment. Focus on them. Your mother sounds selfish tbh. She wants everything her way and she is hurting herself. Please don't let her ruin your birthday.

LegacyUser

I doubt there will be a card tbh, i am very down about this. I wish she could just grow up & stop making trouble for herself & everyone who doesnt do exactly what she wants... how can i make her see that this is ridiculous? that shes being ridiculous?

Im kinda suprised by lack of advice i've received... seems people are far too interested in the wet dream or whatever thread...

taram

Maybe write to her and explain how hurt you feel? A letter will allow you to think it out clearly and put it down in black and white for her to see which I think she needs badly. In the end, it's her loss, you have the rest of your family and your bf's family to support you, all you can do is to be there if she comes crawling back, be strong, you're not to blame for her immature behaviour.

Beruthiel

nonamejanee wrote: »

I doubt there will be a card tbh, i am very down about this. I wish she could just grow up & stop making trouble for herself & everyone who doesnt do exactly what she wants... how can i make her see that this is ridiculous? that shes being ridiculous?

Oh she knows exactly how she's behaving, however she's too stuborn to back down and is waiting for you to come crawling back.
Being a mother doesn't automatically make you perfect, it doesn't automatically mean you're going to act like an adult when the situation is required.
If she was any kind of good person she'd back down over this in order to keep her daughter in her life. She's cutting off her nose to spite her face.
If it were me, I'd leave her to it. Why feel bad about the kind of mother who won't acknowledge her own daughters birthday. What a sad woman.

Don't waste your emotions on her. Go out with your b/f tomorrow and enjoy your birthday.

BTW, my mother didn't speak to me for four years. It bothered me but I got on with my life and didn't allow it to effect me in any way that mattered. We cannot be responsible for our mothers acting like children.

herya

I'd recommend "it's her loss" way of thinking. I'm in similar situation, my mother has been living in USA for a good couple of years, she just upped and left after getting the family and me in the first place in some serious trouble with her unpaid commitments. Not much contact since, I talked to her maybe twice and it's only by chance when I was at my gran's place and she called so she couldn't avoid talking to me. Maybe five e-mails, mostly bday or xmas one-liners, no reply to my e-mails or again a one-liner.
ETA: even when I let her know I'm getting married! Haha.

People find it strange that you can have no contact with your mother but in fact I don't miss her and she's hurt me a lot leaving me in trouble to sort out for her. The ball is in her court. I am here if she wants to get in touch but there is nothing more I can do. There is a chance your mother might come round one day but it's really up to her and you've done nothing wrong.

Burial

Sorry! I would've replied if I was on! I had to a bit of traveling!

wrote:

I will be sad tommorow when i turn 22 without a single happy birthday from my mother.. Im not looking forward to waking up tommorow at all, I know i need to have a big discussion with her but just dont know where to start... and wonder will she ever really grow up? How do i approach this at all? its just been 4 months of silence.... although once when talking to my sibling i asked if she was there & heard her say "i dont want to talk to 'her'' "

What on earth am i meant to do?

Look forward to your birthday, (I know most women hate it though :rolleyes: ),
Get up tomorrow and enjoy yourself. Don't check the post until Monday. If you see nothing from her, thank the people who gave you cards, etc. Then write down what you'd like to say to your mother and ring her. If she refuses to talk to you, tell her your sending her a letter. (To whoever answers the phone) Proceed to send the stuff you just wrote down to your mother. Say that you want to patch things up in the letter and a simple reply would be enough for her to show if she wishes to make amends. (Maybe mention the fact that you've been supporting the family since you were 13) If she doesn't reply/ring you. Ring her in a month or so. If she doesn't want to talk to you then, take that as a sign she wants nothing to do with you and move on and stop worrying about it. If she's never going to make the effort, why should you stress over it?

I have no idea what the fights were about. Anyway, if you want her to start talking to you again, i suggest that you could:

1.)apologize and admit guilt.

2.)You could get the siblings to try and talk to the mother for you.

Being honest, I'm really unsure myself in what to do if it happened to me. I'd visit her but you said you tried that and she avoided you.