Some basic advice needed

oceansize

Hi there, please bare with me on this

I'm a 27 year old male, i have quite a few issues that i need some advice on.

I basically feel like i need some guidance in my life.
I failed in school due to moving countries and going back 2 years so i left. I've tried lots of things to grab my interest but i have almost no get up and go and i have no will to do anything.

I've tried doing 2 different college courses, i've lost a few jobs (and lost one recently by just not turning up). Same for relationships. Ill list my problems and then try to fathom whats wrong with me.

- My concentration levels are ridiculously low, i can't finish anything... books, computer games, tasks given in work, i cut corners etc. (i used to be fine when i was younger). But now i can never finish anything i started. I start loads off things, i download like photoshop, 3d modeling software etc, use them for a day, then lose interest, i start reading books, playing games, joing gyms.. i lose interest. I also don't do stuff like cleaning my room, read e-mails, i sometimes play online games etc, but then i lose interest after a while.

- I still havn't found anything i'm good at, i can't run fast, i'm crap at sports, i'm not good at art, i CAN play guitar but not that well, i'm ok with computers but am bored with them, i'm ok with people, i'm crap at most subjects, history, english, VERY bad at maths, I'm not very creative.. like i get flustered and can't think of stuff, sometimes i forget names etc.. lol
- I am VERY observant, and i never forget faces... I can look well presented, and i always seem to leave a good first impression, thats all i can say i'm ok with...

- I have a huge problem with my sex life. I'm a decent looking bloke, my mates think i'm funny because i'm always getting girls... like all the time. Last week i have 3 different girls back in my room... BUT i'm living a lie. As i can't get it up. I dont know whats wrong with me, i've been like this for a couple of years now. My penis just kind of shrinks and feels numb when i get in that situation. I'm able to masturbate fine (and i do alot). The problem is that it's gotten to me so much that i'm expecting to fail every time, and i do... Once about 3 months ago i did sleep with a girl successefuly, and i thought my problem was solved.. but i was wrong. I had a 1.5y relationship and sex was mostly fine with her, but it did take a while before i could get it up with her.

- Debt. I owe money to my credit union, about 5.5k. Havn't paid them in months. I owe 1800 quid on my credit card (they direct debit notes per week but i've lost my job now and i can't pay it atm). I also owe 290 euro on my car, (car was stolen so can't sell it and i'm paying back the money for nothing) that the bank have been ringing me about for months but can't pay. Thats all my debt. Also, i pay 250 per month rent, but i can't make the payment tomorrow.

- One other peculiar thing i find about myself is i like being alone. My mum lives in the UK and my dad lives in ireland. He lives down the road but i don't contact him for months on end, same for my mum, I ignore their phone calls same for my 4 sisters, (same for friends, and people who ring loooking for money etc). I sometimes get into zones where i'll avoid people all the time. Although i constantly put up a front that i'm a fun bubble outgoing guy, i'm really not. Eveyone thinks i am, but i know there's something deeply wrong...

- Education/hobbies. I have no leaving cert but i have tried 2 college courses the first one i dropped out of due to losing interest after the first semester, and the current one... i lost interest after i found out i don't have 2k to pay to get into the 2nd year.. so due to money problems i can't go back... what shall i do =( money is now stopping me making a key step in my life.. feeling a little more educated. I think if i finished this course it would help me greatly but i know there's no way i can get the money due to being so crap at paying the bank and credit unions back.

- lastly, i have no interest in doing anything now...i think i'm too old to make any difference. NO job i've done has interested me in the slightest. I'd maybe like to do photography, i love wildlife and nature, i also love like art and special effects etc, but know i've no chance of doing anything like that. I would love to be a writer/journalist and have tried writing my own stuff but of course, my very limited imagination and knowlege levels prohibit me from doing this (especially this late), and i feel i've no more options apart from being a bum. Again i should point out that i've not found Anything i'm good at, i know you'll try to tell me i'm only putting myself down but i'm not, i just need to find something i like, and that i enjoy doing.. after 27 years... nothing.

I need guidance...

thanks for reading.

MagicMarker

Hey dude, i'll try and address as much as i can. I'm going to focus on what i think is the most important first...

Debt!!:eek:

Believe it or not my friend, there are some people in a lot more debt than yourself, myself included. What i will say is, do NOT ignore it. If you're having problems, then talk to your credit union, talk to your bank etc. They should, given your situation, give you a bit of leeway in terms of payments.

Find a job, i'm sure you're looking. But if you ignore this and let it get worse and worse, it will only add to your problems overall, stress can have a huge impact on the mind and body. Once you find a job, ask the bank or credit union for a top up loan to cover your credit card and any remaining car payments, this will give you only one payment per month and will also decrease you monthly payments in the long run. Trust me, it's a good feeling to have all your debts put into one, it's much more manageable.

You're concentration levels are very common, i'm the same. I get an idea into my head about something i want to do or try and then i'll focus on that and nothing else but eventually i loose interest once something else comes along. I had video games as a kid but i'd play them for a week and then never take them out again, you know why? because i just wasn't interested. I also start reading books but rarely do i finish them, you know why? because i'm not interested. So guess what i did? I stopped doing the things that didn't interest me.

You need to think more positively about yourself. It doesn't matter what you CAN'T do. Only what you want to do.

Focus on the more important parts, like what you do like. You've listed quite a few

You play guitar
You like photography
You'd like to be a writer
You like graphic design

But then again you're being negative... ''i've no chance of doing anything like that''

Why!?

The good things about the above is that you don't necessarily need to go to college. Guitar just takes practice, why don't you start practicing more? Let's say an hour a day? Plus a lesson every couple of weeks?

You like photography? When you get yourself a job, why not buy a camera? Learn about it, learn about shutter speeds etc, then take a drive out somewhere and start taking pictures, experiment? I did this myself and it's good fun, it's not hard to take good shots and only with practice will you improve.

Writing, believe it or not, some people are not born writers. Writing skills and knowledge levels improves with tuition, why not look out for evening courses in creative writing? My ex did theatre studies in college and she amazed me with her knowledge and great understanding of theatre and film and true meanings to plot lines etc, but she didn't just know this stuff, she learnt it over time. You can too, you can learn to express yourself.

One thing i will say is to maybe try and talk to a professional, mainly because of the fact that you like to be alone. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with that, but if you ignore your families calls for months on end then i really believe there is a reason for that. I am by no means close to my family, but they are there for me, if you ignore yours, you may push them away for good.

Likewise for the sex, i believe this is all in your head, and if you got your life sorted out with regards to everything else, this should also improve.

If there’s one thing that i recommend you do, and it’s quite the cliche at this stage as it’s constantly brought up in PI, but it’s to go traveling. Go see the world, life doesn’t seem to be fulfilling your expectations here, so seek them elsewhere. It won’t take you long to pay your debts and if you try hard and motivate yourself, you could save a lot in a short space of time. Along the way you could practice your photography and writing, keep a diary(both written and image). Who knows, when you come back it might all be different, you might be different.

Best of luck.

LolaLuv

All of that sounds incredibly normal to me. I think those are the reasons people always say being in one's 20s sucks.

gamer

go to mabs ,they help people who are stuck in debt,go to welfare officer,in local health centre, to claim rent allowance to pay rent, sign on the dole .1 problem with the financial system is its easy to borrow more than you can pay back.
its tough for most students ,to pay the bills ,they end up working part time,you need counselling regarding your career, career guidence,they look at your skills talents , and figure out what job will suit you.YOU may be depressed,which makes it hard to do anything to solve problems, debts mount up,its a vicious circle.Take a job that pays the bills ,while you figure out what 2 do,70percent of people don,t find thier job interesting , thats why they pay you, we can,t all be writers ,artists etc no point in doing a course thats not interesting to you ,you need professional career guidance.Lots of people go out,socialise but , like living alone, thats normal.ITS tough being a student,on a low income ,but at the end of it ,you have a degree which means you are attractrive to employers ,which means you can apply for jobs,which joe bloggs cant apply for.

karen3212

Yeah op, it sounds like the debt is weighing you down completely - please go to mabs as already advised.

Try to temp if you can, that way you can leave the job/jobs with fairly short notice, it may help you get back into the swing of working again.

You must concentrate on the money you receive at the end of your working week/month, keep imagining what you will do with it, perhaps a camera to give photography a go.

Speak to mabs first, then you will be able to manage your debt, then you will be able to continue to experiment with different interests while you are still getting paid from a non-interesting job!

Op it's eight hours out of 24 per day, then the rest of the day is yours, so you can work at boring until one of the hobbies you love becomes your full time work.

KingLoser

OP, can I ask, do you smoke dope?

I'm not trying to judge or anything like that, I do, and I do a lot. But about 2 years ago I got myself into a hole like this, quit for 6 months, sorted my life out, and now I can smoke (albeit a little more responsibly) as I please.

If you don't, sorry, but it just sounds similar.

LegacyUser

1. I never finish things either but sometimes that's because I have no real interest in doing them.

2. I have a problem with my sex life too. Same as yours. Stop ****. Seriously. Before long you'll be rubbing yourself up against anything. Sleep with girls you genuinely like and you'd like to be with. Go out and not drink and see the difference in your performance. I've pulled while sober and it makes a hell of a difference. Be honest with the women you;re sleeping with - "hey, I really like you but sometimes I get a bit nervous when I sleep with someone I really like for the first time" . Hard to say but ultimately better than both parties getting frustrated. And try to avoid one night stands.

3. I'm in my mid 30s and have only now discovered a hobby that I enjoy and that I would love to do everyday. It has completely changed my life. Yeah I want to learn guitar and read more books but I don't have the passion for those things.

4. With regards to your sex life, here's what a doctor said to me when I went for an STI test and I told him about my performance anxiety issues:

"pop a viagra". THat's what he said. "pop a viagra for the first couple of times your with a girl you like to get over your initial fears".

5. You're 27. So, by all accounts you'll probably live for another 50 years or so. Make a decision as to what type of life you'd like over the next 50 years.

6. Buy two books:
Anthony Robbins "Awaken the Giant Within" - yes, it's a bit corny but there are some seriously great tips in there.

"The Feeling Good Handbook" - Dr. David Burns - this is like having your own life coach.


I would suggest going to see a counsellor. Talk to someone in depth and try and come up with strategies to change how you're feeling.


Also: You may be avoiding people as you aren't happy with yourself, not because you like being alone. I convinced myself years ago that I liked the anonimity of living in a big foreign city. I didn't really. I just didn't want to live in Ireland as I saw myself as a bit of a failure and avoidance was easier for me. I was about your age then.

Since then though I've set up a little business, taken life at my own pace, have met a few nice girls and slept with them successfully and have made many new friends...... it takes a bit of work but you have to decide what you want out of your life and how you are going to get it.


Good luck

oceansize

I'm just back from a small trip, thanks for all your advice here, havn't fully read it as i need sleep but i will tomorrow and i'll reply and tell you some more stuff.. thanks!