Breaking Up With Someone You Love

LegacyUser

Hi Ive just broken up with my boyfriend who Ive been with for just over 3 years. I really love him and it is so hard breaking up because I dont know if I'm doing the right thing.
It's one thing to finish it with someone who you don't feel strongly about anymore, but am still crazy about him...am I mad to end this?...
He says he loves me and we are best friends. But he looses his temper with me, and he says it more than he shows it, I suppose. I dont think he feels as strongly about me anymore as I do about him. Maybe he does, he assures me he does, but he just doesnt SEEM to. All the men in his family are the silent boring type, perhaps he's just taking after them.
I really do love him but I just think I deserve someone who will treat me that little bit better. Do I expect too much from love?
He is 21 and I am 20. I know we're young-i dont need anyone telling me that we're so young it was inevitable blah blah- and this is so hard. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I know if I wanted, we could patch things up and keep going, but I dont know what to do. Im just so confused and I feel like ****. Whenever I imagined my future, I pictured him there.

Wurly

midnightoil wrote: »

I really do love him but I just think I deserve someone who will treat me that little bit better. Do I expect too much from love?
He is 21 and I am 20. .

If you deep down feel that you are not being treated as well as you should be, then you are probably right.

Have you spoken to him about how he 'seems' to feel and how it affects you?

The above quote says to me that you have done the right thing. You are still so young too which is a great thing.

Nevyn

Yes there are times when you have break with with someone you still have strong feeling for and it hurts like fúck but it still has to be done.

moonstruck wrote:

But love don't make
things nice, it ruins everything, it
breaks your heart, it makes things a
mess. We're not here to make things
perfect. Snowflakes are perfect. The
stars are perfect. Not us. We are
here to ruin ourselves and break our
hearts and love the wrong people and
die!

If you are not happy about how you are treated in the relationship and you don't think things will improve then you are right to end it.

Miss Fluff

Yes it's a very hard thing to do OP, I broke up with someone after six years who I loved dearly but on thinking about it I didn't actually LIKE him. You know yourself if someone takes you for granted. Such a cliche I know, but all very well him saying how crazy he is about you, it's how he acts that's the clincher and if it's not a two-way, healthy dynamic and you're not getting the love and attention you know you deserve then it's time to cut loose m'dear.

Dinxminx

If he doesn't respect you or if he takes you for granted, you did the right thing. I did the same and it was literally the hardest thing I'd ever had to do but seven months on I'm a far healthier person!

spurious

There is always the risk in the short-term that you will try it again with him. This would be a bad idea.

Aurora Borealis

If things don't feel right in a relationship then you have to make some changes and if those changes can't or will not be made, be it by you or your partner, then the relationship is not right for either of you and you will be better off out of it and free to find one that is.

It's crap but you're probably making the right decision if this is something you've been feeling for a while and have tried to rectify.

Karen_*

Op you are very brave and very mature to do what you did. You'll be absolutely fine. You did the right thing and it was a difficult thing to do. Give your self time to get through this and it really will heal.

dr.bollocko

It's really funny how, before you break up, you are so sure of yourself and you have a million theories as to why the break up will be better for you and you will be ok. And then you actually do it and completely forget what all those reasons were in the first place and it becomes ridiculously difficult to stick to your guns.

Wibbs

These parts stand out for me.

midnightoil wrote: »

Maybe he does, he assures me he does, but he just doesnt SEEM to.

You mention him losing his temper, which is not good at all obviously, but what other things bother you? What would he have to do to "seem" like he loves you?

I really do love him but I just think I deserve someone who will treat me that little bit better.

What things would he have to do to treat you that "little bit" better? What things is he doing or not doing now that show he's treating you badly.

Do I expect too much from love?

How do you define love in a practical sense? Seriously. If you have only a vague idea of what love means to you(and many do), how can you expect to find it or recognise it when you do find it?

It would all too easy to give the usual "you go girl/it's for the best/get a better man" rhetoric. It may well be right too, but you claim you love this guy, indeed are crazy about him, so it seems daft to jack that all in out of the blue for what amounts in large part to an overly vague feeling "something" is not quite right. IMHO far too many listen to their "gut" when they shouldn't and equally too many don't listen when they should.

Now if you can show to yourself the reasons why you feel this way then that's cool and I wish you the best. Those reasons could be boredom, wanting different experiences, feeling trapped too young, someone new in your life, etc etc. You'll know which ones apply to you. But if you can't get some reasoning behind this who is to say that you'll not meet another bloke and three years in feel much the same about him? Now you are young so you've likely got a few relationships ahead of you. Just when one goes south on you it's always a good plan to figure out why. His part in it and more importantly yours.

jellie

dr.bollocko wrote: »

It's really funny how, before you break up, you are so sure of yourself and you have a million theories as to why the break up will be better for you and you will be ok. And then you actually do it and completely forget what all those reasons were in the first place and it becomes ridiculously difficult to stick to your guns.

yeah, as soon as you actually break up & you start missing the person you forget all the reasons why you shouldnt be together or what went wrong. they somehow dont seem as important when youre missing the person.

try to remember why you broke up with him. if you got back together could you be happy long term or would you end up feeling the same way? if nothing would change you would probably end up in the same position again. but breaking up with the same person for a second time can be even worse..

edit: sorry but had to say it: 1000th post

barbiegirl

If deep down you know this is not the right relationship for you, you were right. I did this once, it was the most heart breaking thing I ever did, but it was the right thing. I like you felt I deserved more and you know something I got it. My OH is everything I wanted and more.
So good girl for being brave, take time to yourself to deal with this and in the end the right guy will come along. Don't ever just settle, you are worth far more than second best.

Annie Bananie

Karen_* wrote: »

Op you are very brave and very mature to do what you did. You'll be absolutely fine. You did the right thing and it was a difficult thing to do. Give your self time to get through this and it really will heal.

+1

I think you did the right thing, you will be glad later in life that you made this desition. I've done the same in the past, was madly in love, but felt he was not on the same page as me. He was just in it for the fun atm. I thought I deserved better, someone that really wanted me seriosly. I did brake up with him even though I loved him a lot. I never regretted it, even if it took almost 1 year before I got over him completely.

As Karen said, you are brave and mature, be proud of yourself!

MMD

wow...I have just found this Thread and am sorry/glad to say that recognise so much in what everyone is saying. Suffice to say, it hit a very raw nerve.

I broke up with my GF of 6 years last year...at the time it was an easy decision as I knew there was so much wrong in the relationship that it was the right decision, but nonetheless, it hurt, it was 6 years of our lives after all.

Now, it hurts like hell, as due to tough circumstances since the breakup we have met up a few times since...and got on good...she still feels a lot for me it turns out....as I do her as the memories come flooding back of the good times....she always said to me I always focused on the bad times - no I did not. They were way to obvious to ignore. She said she would get back with me in the morning...I however, am not so sure.

Now, I have had in recent days an experience of her back to her worst and it clearly identified an initial primary motivation for my instigating the breakup in the first place...trouble is...now I hurt like hell.

I don't know what I am trying to say here guys....I am feeling lonely and confused tonight.

I do not want to be with any other woman...would nearly prefer to be single for life.

Any advice?

barbiegirl

Cut all contact. It is the only way, hanging about with one another only extends the pain. You will get over this, but you need to take this person out of your life. I know from experience it is the only way.

Raekwon

barbiegirl wrote: »

Cut all contact. It is the only way, hanging about with one another only extends the pain. You will get over this, but you need to take this person out of your life. I know from experience it is the only way.

+1

Cutting all contact (that means everything that connects you to your ex ie: bebo, facebook, MSN, etc) is the only way to go. It will be hard at first but it is absolutely essential to the healing process. If you stay friends and keep in contact you could ended up hurting each other more in the long run and you might end up hating each other which is never a good thing.

Clean break FTW!

birdie08

Hi there,
Im going through something soo similar at the moment but iv given him another chance and am not convinced. It is the most hardest head wrecking sickening feeling , i believe one can go through.. all i say is look back as to why you ended it..it must of been for valid reasons which you dont have to reveal on line...but be stronger than me cause iv given my partner another chance cause he wanted it...I was walking away still loving him but not feeling positive that he could make me happy...I just wish I had your courage and strength..Dont doubt your decisions

MMD

good to know at least there are similar souls out there....I appreciate all the advice from you all and truly empathize with those in a similar situation.

There realistically should never be any going back...in an ideal world...but this isn't an ideal world, as much as we would want it to be....everyone is different. Time, I think also, masks differences.

Can a person truly change? yes, perhaps they can, but more often that, our very being, the natural person that we are deep down is fundamentally the same throughout a lifetime, therefore, inherent problems in a relationship cannot be ignored.