Finding My Dad??

HouseHippo

This year my mum died unexpectantly.
I dont know that much about my dad except that he left when my mum was pregnant as he didn know. She was 20 and he was 16 and his parents didnt approve. She says she hired a P.I to find him but couldnt. She told me his name was anthony. I have never met him and no little about him.

But a while after my mum died my nanny told me my father was not Anthony but I guy called Steven.Steven was a friend of my mum but has been married since before I was born. He was a major part of my childhood till I was about 5.

Now that I am older it seems to me the story my mum fed me about this Anthony character is just a big fairy tale and she was really covering up the fact that she was a tramp who slept with married men.

How can I find out the truth??My nanny and my mum had a crap relationship and my anny knows little or nothing about her life... Is Steven my dad or is Anthony. I cant just turn up on his door and say are you my dad. . But he could have an 18 year old daughter and I could have half brothers and sisters and the family ive always wanted

castie

This would hardly break up his marriage, unless he was married already at 16 to another woman and had an affair with your mother.

I would say try your best, or else all you will have is regrets.

HouseHippo

Read the thread again please It was Steven who was married and did have an affair

Adam

HouseHippo wrote: »

Read the thread again please It was Steven who was married and did have an affair

You could start by being a bit less hostile to people who are only trying to help. Your initial post doesn't make it clear that Steven was already married.

If he had an affair, it's not up to you to pass that information out, to his wife or anyone else. But that's not to stop you approaching him privately somehow.

HouseHippo

But he lives with his wife.i only know his address thats it. I wasnt being hostile thanks.

Adam

HouseHippo wrote: »

But he lives with his wife.i only know his address thats it. I wasnt being hostile thanks.

So come up with an excuse in case he doesn't answer the door? I mean it's not like the first suspision is going to be "OMG I wonder if she's an estranged child of my dad/husband??"...I'm not sure how else to advise you though, I mean do you want to talk to your dad or not? You seem to have a bit of a self-defeating attitude about the whole thing at the moment, which won't make it any easier...

HouseHippo

i dont have any attitude at all. You came into this thread and seem to have something against me. I dont even know if the bloke is my dad. This is a very sensitive topic to me so maybe try and be a little less ratty or just leave

castie

HouseHippo wrote: »

I remember Steven from when I was a child but he has a wife and kids.

Sorry if i took you up wrong but thats what i read, you never said the the ages that your mother said were wrong.

But anyway...

Im going to assume that the place for a fathers name on your birthcert is blank?

Maybe you could send him a letter under the disguise that its not just him getting it. You could tell him that your looking for information about your mother when she was around the same age as you are now.

This way you could establish some sort of relationship with him and arrange to meet, it would take the pressure off you having to spring the "HI DAD" at him opening a door.

Alicat

HouseHippo wrote: »

i dont have any attitude at all. You came into this thread and seem to have something against me. I dont even know if the bloke is my dad. This is a very sensitive topic to me so maybe try and be a little less ratty or just leave

Just a bit of crossed wires there hun I think. He's tryin to help. Sometimes when you write something down, you forget to include the bits that are obvious to you, but that readers are unaware of. Sometimes they're crucial to the story! It came across as a little muddled but its ok

We're only here to give what advice we feel we can. We're not professional counsellors, but its nice to just have someone listen to you.

Have you ever seen your birth cert? Is there a father listed on it?

HouseHippo

No no father on the birth cert ok ill edit the thread now so

HouseHippo

sounds good. I could do that but how would I ease into the conversation of are you my dad

castie

Could go down the stalkerish roll of getting one of his hairs or something and doing a paternity test.

If you did though and it proved to be positive and then you approached him and he denied it. Under no circumstances say "but i stole your hair and got it tested".

Doing it the straight forward way wont be easy for you. There is no way to ease into it. Maybe you could meet for lunch to discuss your mother and then borderline grill him on details and hope he might slip up or give you an opportunity.

Alicat

HouseHippo wrote: »

sounds good. I could do that but how would I ease into the conversation of are you my dad

I don't think it'll be possible to "ease" into it at all. It's gonna be a big shock for him to even hear it, never mind discussing it.

I suppose my thought would be that there's no real point in skirting around it. You could simply explain to him that you are interested in looking for your father, and that you know that he was involved with your mother around that time of her life, and would he be able to shed any light on the situation?

You don't have to throw a big "Are you my dad??" at him, cause he mightn't know either. But if you are calm and clear and gentle about it, don't throw an "accusation" of sorts at him, he might be able to help you with it.

Just a thought. No easy answer really I suppose.

Elessar

Word of warning.

I don't know what you think you are going to get out of meeting this guy but let me say this: he will never be your "dad". He is genetically related, that is all. There is a good chance his family will reject you and maybe even become hostile. He may reject you.

I am in almost the exact same situation. Do not get your hopes up about anything. You will only end up hurt. Do not be nieve. I have a lot of experience in this area, if you want some advice PM me.

Marksie

I have read this thread and your subsequent reactions:

This really concerns me:

HouseHippo wrote: »

she was really covering up the fact that she was a tramp who slept with married men.

It is how she was as a mother to you that is important. She will not be the first woman or man to have had a relationship with someone married nor will she be the last.
Your subsequent reactions to people posting and your own admission of over sensistivity have me wondering excatly why at this point you are looking to do this. Particularly the comment the half brothers or sisters and the family you have always wanted.

You are dislocated and lonely at the moment. I would suggest that you take a step back from this issue and take time to:

a) recover from your mothers death (for which you have my condolances)
b) Look at your attitude to your mother and come to terms with the fact that when younger we make mistakes that can haunt us and shape us for the rest of our lives.
c) Honestly take time to assess what impact this has had on you and excatly WHY you are looking for him now.

At this time, i do not think you are in the space to go looking for your father. You need to centre and balance and do this from a place where you are more secure in yourself.
Look to your nan and other members for healing support not for unanswered and possibly unanswerable questions.

May I ask how old you are?

Deadeyes

HouseHippo wrote: »

sounds good. I could do that but how would I ease into the conversation of are you my dad

This guy was a friend of your Mother and was around when you were a kid, so just tell him your looking for your father and ask him "Do you know who my father is?". Of course this doesn't mean he's going to be honest about it, especially after x number of years.

Miss Fluff

HouseHippo wrote: »

Now that I am older it seems to me the story my mum fed me about this Anthony character is just a big fairy tale and she was really covering up the fact that she was a tramp who slept with married men.

+1 Marksie, this statement really stood out for me too.

OP, sorry for your loss. You are obviously angry at your Mum for leaving you and grief is still apparently very raw. How long ago did she die? You seem very angry which is prefectly natural on the grief of a loved one but I think you would be in a better position to leave this search for the time being and instead process the death of your Mum. This expectation of having a new ready-made family could be the stuff of fantasy and you may not get the open-armed affectionate reception you would hope for. I think you are too vulnerable to deal with this right now. Work through the current pain, lean on your nanny to help you and then further down the line when you have your strength back and you have dealt with the death should you go looking.

curly shirley

You said that this Steven was a "major part of your childhood til you were 5".
That kind of stands out itself.......If he was married then why did he spend so much time with your mother and yourself?
Do you remember being around him back then? Do you ever see him around now?

leesmom

househippo from previous posts you said your dad had died, was that your stepdad?

Burial

HouseHippo wrote: »

This year my mum died unexpectantly.
I dont know that much about my dad except that he left when my mum was pregnant as he didn know. She was 20 and he was 16 and his parents didnt approve. She says she hired a P.I to find him but couldnt. She told me his name was anthony. I have never met him and no little about him.

But a while after my mum died my nanny told me my father was not Anthony but I guy called Steven.Steven was a friend of my mum but has been married since before I was born. He was a major part of my childhood till I was about 5.

Now that I am older it seems to me the story my mum fed me about this Anthony character is just a big fairy tale and she was really covering up the fact that she was a tramp who slept with married men.

How can I find out the truth??My nanny and my mum had a crap relationship and my anny knows little or nothing about her life... Is Steven my dad or is Anthony. I cant just turn up on his door and say are you my dad. . But he could have an 18 year old daughter and I could have half brothers and sisters and the family ive always wanted

Somethings to note, and I'm sorry about this as it may offend you. Do you think this guy wants to be in your life? So you think you walking upto his door is going to make him like you or want to spend time with you? This guy may well hurt you and shock you. He mightn't be the "father" you've always wanted. Is it essential you know who he is? I know you'd always like to see him and call him "dad", but he mightn't want to call you "daughter". Are you prepared to get rejected, and always know that the dad you dreamed of was never real? obviously it could go the other way too. I'm just saying don't expect him to be all happy you turned up. There is a reason he isn't visiting you now.

HouseHippo wrote:

Now that I am older it seems to me the story my mum fed me about this Anthony character is just a big fairy tale and she was really covering up the fact that she was a tramp who slept with married men.

No. Just NO. Do you honestly think your mother knew this guy was married??? Maybe she did, maybe she didn't, (I don't know, your just making it sound as though she did), but he knew HE was married. He is the tramp. I seriously think your building your father upto be some sort of great dad who is a great person because your mother told you a lie because she thought she was protecting you. He is the one who cheated on his family and he chose them over you. Remember that.

HouseHippo wrote:

sounds good. I could do that but how would I ease into the conversation of are you my dad

Anyway, yes, the best way to do this is to ease into it. It'll be a shock for anyone to hear. What you could do is start small. Get to know him first. Make sure you want to get into his life and that he is someone who you want to be part of yours. And not due to your preceptions of him. You could join a class or something he is doing, (hard to do), if that doesn't work, arrange to talk to him at his address as a potential future neighbour in the area. Say you'd like to know how the area is. This way you can ask questions about his family, like whats it like for a married couple/ family living here and what does he do around the neighbourhood.

To be fair, if I was you, I'd tell this guy's wife, and let it go from there. Totally wrong thing to do. However, it's his responsibility that he walked away from. He must face the consequences of his actions. Once again, I'd do that, but I know it's the worst way to approach it, as your relationship is starting off hurt. However, you don't know if it's Stephen or not. So it's best to get a paternity test. Maybe ask Stephen is he knew your mother. Do you know anything about this "Anthony" character?? Anyway of asking people who knew your mother, who she was with at the time?

Miss Fluff

Burial wrote: »

To be fair, if I was you, I'd tell this guy's wife, and let it go from there. Totally wrong thing to do. However, it's his responsibility that he walked away from. He must face the consequences of his actions. Once again, I'd do that, but I know it's the worst way to approach it, as your relationship is starting off hurt.

I would strongly advise against this course of action OP, it would be like giving a monkey hand-grenade, not sensible AT ALL.

Burial

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I would strongly advise against this course of action OP, it would be like giving a monkey hand-grenade, not sensible AT ALL.

Exactly why I said TO NOT DO IT. I was just saying what I'd do if I found out that this guy was my father....

humanji

Burial wrote: »

Exactly why I said TO NOT DO IT. I was just saying what I'd do if I found out that this guy was my father....

Then why suggest it? OP, remember that he might not be your dad, so telling the wife would be a horrific thing to do.

leesmom

i too have a similar story in that my mum died when i was 16 ,i didnt know my dad,i do know his name and i do know where my grandparents live.i am now 20 and have a child of my own,i dont have any interest in finding my father as if he wanted to find me he would have found me,he knew my name,he saw me once when i was a baby and according to my mum when i was younger he had no interest .
after my mum died i found solicitors letters between them in which my 'dad' claimed he wasnt my father,anyway clearly he was as he agreed to give my mum a once off payment of 8,000 pounds at the time. i have a photograph of him and my mum which i have a feeling she left in a place for me to find when she died as she knew she was dieing.
i know that he is married and has kids ,however i dont know whether he was married when my mum was with him.
as far as im concerned the man is a complete stanger ,yes biologically he is my dad but he has never been in my life or shown an interest in being in my life.my mum brought me up and did an amazing job in doing so,that is why i dont feel the need to bring some stanger into my life.
if you really feel the need to find your father then go ahead but you need to be prepared for the fact that he may not want to know you and may not be the person you have dreamed of.if he has a family of his own it is unlikely that they will take kindly to some girl turning up claiming to be his daughter.you need to weigh up the pros and cons before jumping in to anything otherwise you run the risk of really getting hurt and also messing up a family,yes you are entitled to a father just as much as this mans kids are but if he doesnt want to be a father to you then hes not worth it.

Burial

humanji wrote: »

Then why suggest it? OP, remember that he might not be your dad, so telling the wife would be a horrific thing to do.

Noone is a robot. Everyone won't do the "Right" thing. (Or your thing) I was merely saying what I'd do if this happened to me. Not the right thing, but thats what I'd do. It's the quickest and easiest thing to do to find out if he is or isn't the father, and if he does or doesn't want to be in my life, rather then waste time. If it's a problem for saying what I'd do then, please post what you just posted on every thread. Your argueing something I'm NOT suggesting her to do but merely stating what I'd do in the situation. I'm entitled to say what I'd do AND offer advice.

So, I'll say this once again, so I won't get another post saying exactly as I said in a previous post. I said it isn't the right thing to do for the OP, because she wants to have a relationship with her father. I would rather not waste time with some guy who isn't my father. I'd much rather find him, and tell him and get over with asap. Simply for the fact, I'd know if I can move on with life, with or without him. He cheated on his other family, and they have a right to know. And if he didn't everything would be fine. The paternity test would be negative.

Anyway, I agree with what leesmom said.

EDIT:

Another thing. Why would it be horrific? If nothing happened, then it's ok. She can say I hired a PI and he said you were my father or something to that degree. If the paternity test turned out negative, everything is ok, if it turns out positive, then it's how it'd turn out when you told the family anyway. The wife would hardly leave if some girl said her husband was the father and wasn't.

litup

Burial wrote: »

You could join a class or something he is doing, (hard to do), if that doesn't work, arrange to talk to him at his address as a potential future neighbour in the area. Say you'd like to know how the area is. This way you can ask questions about his family, like whats it like for a married couple/ family living here and what does he do around the neighbourhood.

I think this is a really bad idea. When you do finally tell him who you are is going to want to know why you tried to get into his life under false pretences and will probably be angry that you lied.

Plus the fact that he was around a lot when you were a kid may suggest that he knows you are his daughter but has chosen not to be in your life (or maybe your mother told him she didn't want him in your life?)

I think Marksie has the right idea. Get your own head sorted out so you can deal with whatever his reaction is. Then approach him directly and tell him your story straight.

faceman

+1 to marksie's post

Op you should talk to a counsellor before doing anything to discuss your loss and circumstances. You don't need a father in your life

HouseHippo

yup stepda

HouseHippo

Actually my mam was always a bit of a tart not that her sex life was any of my business. Im not her for grief counselling ive done all that already.
My grandparents hate me and only look after me cause they are my only relatives.
im 18

HouseHippo

actually i need to know family history due to a medical condition my mum is adopted and my dad is nowhere to be found so....

HouseHippo

By reading all these posts there is one thing which is evident nobody seems to know how awful it is not knowing where you came from my mums adopted asnd no dad this affects:
My future prospects of marriage
Goning on holidays
Having operations
My children
Any relationships I enter in to
My bf could even be my cousin or brother...

mikeindublin

I think it's dreadful you describe your mother as a 'tramp'. I think you should leave well alone. Why do youn need to track down your father and cause possible distress for yourself and his family?

HouseHippo

I need to find out my medical history

brayblue24

Jeez HouseHippo,

I looked at this post last night and saw it again tonight. I'm not going to offer any advice only I wish you all the best and whatever the outcome I sincerely hope you're happy with it. Someone of your age dealing with that on your own...I'm only glad I didn't have to!! Best of luck to you. It looks like you deserve it.

HouseHippo

Mods close this thread please...
Thanks

MagicMarker

HouseHippo wrote: »

By reading all these posts there is one thing which is evident nobody seems to know how awful it is not knowing where you came from my mums adopted asnd no dad this affects:
My future prospects of marriage
Goning on holidays
Having operations
My children
Any relationships I enter in to
My bf could even be my cousin or brother...

Boo friggin hoo, seriously, could you be in search of any more pity?

I think you need to adjust your attitude before continuing any further.

HouseHippo

Jesus Christ what is your bleedin problem you insensitive git

Miss Fluff

HouseHippo wrote: »

By reading all these posts there is one thing which is evident nobody seems to know how awful it is not knowing where you came from my mums adopted asnd no dad this affects:
My future prospects of marriage
Goning on holidays
Having operations
My children
Any relationships I enter in to
My bf could even be my cousin or brother...

That's all perfectly understandable OP, it is an awful lot to process. When faced with so much all at once you have to try and compartmentalise things as much as is possible. I have seen some of your other posts. What right now, at this very moment in time, is most important to you? What one single thing keeps you awake at night? What do you want to solve if it was possible to do so in the morning? Looking at a plethora of problems all at once is enough to drive anyone demented, it's a tall order. Try taking a step back and if there was one thing you could change, what would make your life easier right now? Think about that and focus on it, you have a lot on your plate and nothing will get sorted if you take it all on as one mammoth task.

You mentioned you had bereavement councelling, when was this hon?

DeVore

You have a right to know who your father is. You have a right to have this person accept their parentage of you.

What you DONT have a right to do, is to use those rights like a sledgehammer and fnck anyone who gets in the way regardless of what harm it does them.

My suggestion would be that you find a way to contact this guy, quietly and in confidence and explain to him that you mean his family no harm and you intend nothing further but that you feel you have a right to know, as an adult, if he is your father.

What happens from there depends on too many variables and outcomes to predict but certainly I dont think you have any right to destroy a family simply for that knowledge.

You can have your cake and STILL be the good guy in this scenario, if I may mix a metaphor.

DeV.

Dudess

Maybe this forum would be better, HouseHippo: http://pie.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=879

People there will have more of an understanding of what you're going through and you'll run far less risk of incurring needlessly aggressive comments by people who aren't there to help, just to make their voice heard...

HouseHippo

Just after my mum died. My school provided it for me in the Lucena Clinic. It helped alot.

HouseHippo

I wasnt planning on destroying his marriage the whole point is that I dont want to confront him or break up his family everyone in this thread seems to think im some sort of bitch all i want is to find out the truth

HouseHippo

Dudess wrote: »

Maybe this forum would be better, HouseHippo: http://pie.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=879

People there will have more of an understanding of what you're going through and you'll run far less risk of incurring needlessly aggressive comments by people who aren't there to help, just to make their voice heard...

Im actually not adopted so it doesnt help. I thought PI was a safe place to post guess I was wrong can you please close this thread mod.

DeVore

Sorry, I completely DIDNT think you were going to break up his marraige etc, I communicated badly.

In fact I think it was pretty clear from you that that was NOT your intention. (However, you might need to reassure him of that.)

I think you have every right to know if he is your dad, I'm just recommending caution.

Like I said, I think you can do this and STILL remain the good guy/gal. That implies that I think you currently are

DeV.

HouseHippo

DeVore wrote: »

Sorry, I completely DIDNT think you were going to break up his marraige etc, I communicated badly.

In fact I think it was pretty clear from you that that was NOT your intention. (However, you might need to reassure him of that.)

I think you have every right to know if he is your dad, I'm just recommending caution.

Like I said, I think you can do this and STILL remain the good guy/gal. That implies that I think you currently are

DeV.

Just making sure you didnt think I was a homewrecker.

DeVore

I really wish you well, I certainly cant imagine how you feel at the moment but I think you need to know about this, one way or the other (and then move on in whatever direction the answer takes you).



There is, however, at least one irishman sitting in the Pyrenees on his holidays at 2.30am who hopes it all works out for you, for what its worth.

DeV.

The_Conductor

Househippo- I know you're not adopted yourself, but there are a lot of parallels between what you're going through and what an adopted person goes through. I do think that we might be able to offer a few useful tips/suggestions over on the Adoption Forum, which aren't really pertinent to this forum. Mods- feel free to move the thread over, if the OP is amenable.

Regards,

S.

Marksie

Infraction: magic marker, insulting off topic posting
Infraction: Househippo, insulting another member.

Househippo: The nature of PI means that you will find a vareity of responses, on the whole they are offering genuine advice, though the usual suspects will say post for reaction.
It is up to mods to deal with them when they step over the line.

Househippo: you have called now twice for this thread to be closed, i will do so.

However, my original advice stands, your reactions to replies in this thread and the disjointed nature of your replies, and the lack of response to posts whihc did not fit into what you want, to me at least, indicate that at this moment you should not pursue this until you have some clarity and grounding.

All the best in whatever you decide to do