Decision to have children or not?

donegaldiva

Just looking for opinions out there -
How do people decide to have children - such a big life changing decision.
I have never wanted to have children but lately have been wondering whether I should try to have children. Am happily married, have own house (no financial worries), am 33 (so biological clock should be ticking!).

Am a natural worrier so tend to over-analyse my own life - am afraid that if I make a decision ( to have or not have) it will turn out to be the wrong decision and too late to change.

I can imagine that if I got pregnant by accident that I could be happy with that but can never imagine deciding to give up contraception and try to conceive. How did any of you out there (parents or would-be parents) come to the decision. Is it just a case of either you have maternal/paternal feelings or you don't.

RealistSpy

You could get pregnant "accidently". The thing is as my partner always tell me, their is no right or wrong time to have a child. From college to career you never have time their is always somthing.

So go for it kids a so precious and they give your life a new meaning. I am a worrier myslef trust me I thing I should even get a trophy. I am 20 with a kid and am not doing so bad I count it as a blessing.

So why don't you for it gl.

beth-lou

My first pregnancy was at 27 and an "accident". I had always said I'd never have kids, I just wasn't interested. But when it happened, I was a bit upset, a bit shocked, but accepted it. And then I really enjoyed the pregnancy and the birth and every day since. It was the happiest accident ever. I never would have planned it, but we did plan no 2 and she is now 9 months old and it's double the joy. If you have any niggling feeling about it then do it. You won't regret it.

But equally if you don't want kids, don't feel guilty about it. It's your life, do what you want.

But kids rock!

trio

I am also 33 and have never had a moment's broodiness in my life, so I'm probably the same as you.

In my case happily my OH is the exact same. So we've decided not to even think about children. Of course if I accidentally get pregnant then we'd regard it as destiny, and be cool with it, and try to roll with it as calmly as possible, but to be frank we're avoiding that as much as humanly possible since we really like our life the way it is now, and we (ideally) want it to continue much like this for the rest of our marriage.

If your husband doesn't have any interest in having children either, then be glad you found each other!

I'll tell you one thing though - it's a really bad idea to have kids because you think you should, without any broodiness at all. Some people say "Ah sure when it's your own you'd love it" but I think that's downright dangerous talk. It's a kid, not a bloody dog. What if you resent it? You'd be exhausted for the next 18 years and it ain't easy even for parents that were dying for kids - it's going to be doubly harder on someone who was ambivalent about it in the first place.

Look, there have been times when I've thought to myself "What if I wake up broody at 45?" but that's when I realise that surely to God by the age of 33 I'd have felt some desire for kids by now. I mean, I'm as fully formed as I'm ever going to be, y'know? I really think that by now, you'd know.

So relax. At the very least take it off the table for another couple of years. Say to yourself "I'll think about it when I turn 35". If by that stage absolutely no broodiness has appeared, well then.....I think that's your subconscious basically roaring at you that you don't want them at all!

Grawns

I waited until the last minute ( am 38 and pregnant with 1st). Basically I hummed and hawed and erred on the side of caution. It's supposed to be one of life's best experiences and I decided I didn't want to miss out. I have never doubted whether I would make a good parent or love a child, I just really liked my life as it was. I have never ever felt broody.

Word of warning though - I have a friend who started trying at 32 and found out her eggs were already past their sell by date. So don't presume you can have them when it suits you. I was prepared for that outcome but fell pregnant immediately.

Karmella

I was in the same boat also. I am 32 and have been in a relationship with my OH for 9 years and we recently got engaged. And the reason we got engaged was because we had decided to have kids afterall. I was absolutely terrified of children, and we had made the decision a few years ago not to have them. I was delighted, thinking that sure i'll never get broody anyway because i really don't 'get' babies. Don't know what to do with them. However, recently I began to feel that my OH really did want to have kids, and we discussed it again and he agreed that yes he did want to, and I agreed to try and put my fears and hang-ups aside and that we would try.

I am still quite freaked TBH! But something in me believes that it will be fine when the time comes. I just have very little experience of kids, was the youngest in my family and although all my brothers have had kids I still don't see them a lot. I think in my own way I was probably getting a bit broody too .... close friends of ours are expecting at the moment (due in a couple of weeks) and being around them has actually been quite therapeutic for me :-)

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if you don't want to have them its fine - but just be sure that your other half really does feel the same way. People may say that I gave up on something that I felt strongly about for him, but I don't see it that way. I love him and I believe that its something that I now want for myself too. I suppose it kindof completes the picture or something .. if that makes sense. But definitely - each to their own!!

ok, I've rambled enough .... not sure i made any sense there but it was nice to talk about it......

How Strange

donegaldiva wrote: »

Just looking for opinions out there -
How do people decide to have children - such a big life changing decision.
I have never wanted to have children but lately have been wondering whether I should try to have children. Am happily married, have own house (no financial worries), am 33 (so biological clock should be ticking!).

Am a natural worrier so tend to over-analyse my own life - am afraid that if I make a decision ( to have or not have) it will turn out to be the wrong decision and too late to change.

I can imagine that if I got pregnant by accident that I could be happy with that but can never imagine deciding to give up contraception and try to conceive. How did any of you out there (parents or would-be parents) come to the decision. Is it just a case of either you have maternal/paternal feelings or you don't.

donegaldiva, I feel exactly the same as you so much so I could've wrote that post. I'm the same age as you but I've never really felt broody. I also over analyse everything so I've really thought about this too over the last year or so. I don't want to have children for the sake of having them. I also know that I'm taking a risk as I may get broody later in life but I just have to own the decision I'm making right now and be aware that my view may change in a few years and may be too late.

I've been around babies since I was a child, I've got younger siblings and nieces, I babysat lots and would be well able to look after a baby or a child for a weekend to give my sisters a break if need be so it's not like I don't know how to handle them. I like the smell of babies just as much as anyone else and I get a kick out of my nieces and like having them stay for a night or two but I love nothing more than handing them back and having my peace and quiet restored.

Of course if I got pregnant and it wasn't planned then I would keep the baby as I think I'm too old to be considering abortion and there would be no reason for me not to keep it.

I always thought I would have children but I honestly can't see myself with any. I like my life the way it is and I don't feel the need to bring a child into it.

Marksie

In the end its not a question of should...but do you want to.
It really is as simple as that.
All questions of biological clocks apart... kids aren't like christmas pressies..i know the adage ..but they are for life.

BUT
An ex work colleague, who didn't want kids, ended up adopting when her and her partner felt they were ready and found they loved the child regardless of teh biological origins

donegaldiva

Thanks for the replies!
My DH and I have always felt the same on this - neither of us wanted children. But lately we have both begun to question this decision a little - I think that is partly because there is a sense of time ticking away (sounds very negative I know ;') ). If he wanted to have children I would go along with that and vice versa.
My mother died when I was a toddler - I think that may have something to do with my fear of parenthood.

axer

donegaldiva wrote: »

Thanks for the replies!
My DH and I have always felt the same on this - neither of us wanted children. But lately we have both begun to question this decision a little - I think that is partly because there is a sense of time ticking away (sounds very negative I know ;') ). If he wanted to have children I would go along with that and vice versa.
My mother died when I was a toddler - I think that may have something to do with my fear of parenthood.

Would you want kids around when you are 40/50? I would find it lonely if I had no kids and hit 40/50 but like Marksie said its not about should its about want. If you and your partner do not want kids then don't have them. Maybe discuss it with your OH more and come to a decision between ye. Ye are the only ones who can decide this and ye should decide it together.

Aurora Borealis

I've always heard that even if you're not 100% sure you should go for it because as soon as you see your baby for the first time you'll forget any hesitations you may have had. Don't have kids myself but think I'd consider it if I was with the right partner.

trio

I've always heard that even if you're not 100% sure you should go for it because as soon as you see your baby for the first time you'll forget any hesitations you may have had.

With all due respect that doesn't automatically happen! Plenty of women don't bond for quite a while.

Listen to your gut on this one. If you don't want kids, don't have them.

Somebody once said to me "What if when I'm old there's no-one to take care of me?" I said look at the amount of people in old-folks homes who go unvisited by their children! Having kids is no guarantee you'll be looked after.

Also, if you don't have kids then you should be financially more able to start a decent pension so that your declining years are exactly as comfortable as you want them to be. That's what we're doing. We're all about the pension! We're also really looking forward to having lots of far-flung adventures together as we'll have more disposable income. Yes, it's a totally selfish decision but it's pretty valid, I think.

Have a chat with your OH and separate the "should" from the "want", cos right now you've got them all mixed up.

Karmella

I agree with that poster there about possible loneliness in later life. Although maybe its a slightly selfish reason to have a kid!! It wouldn't want to be the only reason anyway! But it was one of the things that also helped me come to the decision to try. I thought about our life together and yes we are very happy just the two of us, but at the same time I looked into the future and thought what if something happened to him - I'd be all alone! My mum passed away a few years ago and I look at my Dad, and I think that if he didn't have us - he'd have no-one. I know it all sounds quite dramatic, but it was little things like that.

Egon

Why not consider adoption? Surely it would be pretty fulfilling to dramatically improve an existing childs life rather than to create your own out of some feeling that you should?
Plus it cuts out the biological clock problem...

beth-lou

Adoption is a very long, drawn out process that is an emotional rollercoaster and can take up to 4 years to complete. Not an easy option in this day and age and certainly very hard on the couple involved not to mention with legal fees etc you are looking at the guts of €20,000 at least. If you are capable of having kids naturally and want kids then do it yourself.
Unless of course you are Angelina Jolie or Madge.

barbiegirl

We're getting married three weeks from tomorrow with the plan being that we stop using birth control then. I will admit that is a very scary proposition and it won't stop being no matter what either one of us do. That said it feels right to us.
Some people aren't maternal and shouldn't be forced to be so. If you both truely don't want kids don't go down that route. But also accept that those feelings can change over time, they did for my sis-in-law, up to the age of 32 was definite about not wanting them, now they have a beautiful 3 year old boy that she adores. Give room for feelings to change is all I'll say, but don't let anyone bully you to feel either way.