Moving on after long term relationship

LegacyUser

Hi,

First time anon poster. I guess im just wondering or looking for feedback from people who have been in my situation in the past. I have recently split from my GF of nearly ten years, living together. We had been together since i was 20 and im 30 now. The break up has been hard for both of us but it was a mutual thing , primarily as a result of us both becoming different people from who we were over the years, its funny how life changes things on you when your not looking We are both on good terms and there was no bitternes between us as a result of the breakup, it was just time for us to go our seperate ways before we got ourselves into a situation that would have been a lot harder to deal with in a few years when there we things like weddings / kids / property involved.

The hardest part was admitting that it was real, a year ago i would never have thought we would be where we are now. Its hard to be without her, I miss her and i still care about her so much but we just werent right for each other. I guess im dealing well enough with the whole trauma of the situation, there have been good days,bad days and days where i hit rock bottom and broke down over and over. I know the old saying of "time will heal.." yadda yadda and i userstand and know that the pain will fade, im dont think im writing this looking for people to say "poor dear" etc, i know ill be fine and i will get stronger again and get fully back on my feet. I have a great job, good pay and great propects for the future.

I think really what im looking for is advise from people who have also been through something like this, how did you adjust to the whole change of life? there is a void in mine right now and im not sure what to do with it, i have great friends and family who have been absolutly amazing and really supportive and helpful but none the less the void exists.

Do you just carry on as normal in this situation and let life play its game or did you activly seek to change things in your life to fill the gap?
I have no interest in meeting anyone else at the moment and its not somthing im even considering right now, ill deal with that if and when i meet someone im attacted to. Right now i think i want to be single and explore my life, but where to start? I have forgotten how to be single.

Damzilla

Hi there.

I'm in a similar situation myself at the moment and I know how hard it can be. Like you, I have good days and bad days. Sometimes good hours and bad hours! At the moment I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and am trying not to think about the future too much.

My advise would be to get out there as much as possible. Keep yourself busy as much as you can. Join a new club or find a new interest. Surround yourself with your family and friends. I would be lost without mine right now. Like you, I am not interested in meeting someone else at the moment. Maybe if someone came along that I was attracted to I would consider it but I can't imagine it at the moment.

It does get easier. I have to tell myself that a lot at the moment to get myself through it.

Good luck and hope things improve for you.

LadyE

OK, enjoy being single, and being your own person, but dont get into someting new with someone just yet!! Rebound is not nice!

Can you pick up a hobby or something to keep your mind/evenings occupied?

As great as our friends and family are there will be that void, youve just spent the last ten years being one half of a couple, but the void will go, because time really is a healer. Cliche as it is.

If ya wanna go on dates, then go, but try and take it easy, because, in my experience, when things dont work out, you experience the feeling of the old relationship breaking down (even though it was mutual and the best thing for you) come flooding back, you feel like crap!

When I became single, the worst part for me was not having someone to shre things with, news, even the "how was your day question"...and even when in a relationship, and you didnt do anything in the evenings anyway...it just seems abi like "what now"..so a hobby/small course could be good for you!

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I was with ex GF for almost 13 years. We had a house together and everybody assumed we would stay together but like you we weren't meant to be together. It was very hard for the first year. It's only a year and a half later that I've come to terms with it.

Some things I would adivse based on my experience:

Don't get into another relationship for a while. I did and it was a bad idea. It's not fair on the other person as you are always comparing them to the ex. It's good to be on your own for while and find out what you want out of life. It sounds cheesy but you need to get to know the real you.

Try new stuff. Say yes to everything. I've had some amazing experiences in the past year and half by just going with the flow.

Keep a distance between yourself and the ex. We stayed in touch all the time and it made things much harder.

Stay positive. It can be daunting starting off again. You will have bad days and miss having some to share the little things with but it will get easier, you will have so many opportunities to experience wonderful new things and meet special people.

It does get easier though. you will develop your identity and find the happiness you deserve.

LegacyUser

LadyE wrote: »

When I became single, the worst part for me was not having someone to shre things with, news, even the "how was your day question"...and even when in a relationship, and you didnt do anything in the evenings anyway...it just seems abi like "what now"..so a hobby/small course could be good for you!

I can certainly relate, even the lack of everyday idle chatter can sometimes hurt.
I guess im just going through the process of finding my feet again, everyday is a little easier but im still getting blindsided by the hurt/pain/grief/sorrow every now again and it can hurt like nothing i have ever experienced before.

I think the fact that my future is now totally uncertain is sometimes a little daunting. I know nothing in life can be certain, the last few months have shown me that in no uncertain terms.

sorry im just rambling.

genegenie

newlysingle wrote: »

I can certainly relate, even the lack of everyday idle chatter can sometimes hurt.
I guess im just going through the process of finding my feet again, everyday is a little easier but im still getting blindsided by the hurt/pain/grief/sorrow every now again and it can hurt like nothing i have ever experienced before.

I think the fact that my future is now totally uncertain is sometimes a little daunting. I know nothing in life can be certain, the last few months have shown me that in no uncertain terms.

sorry im just rambling.

When myself and my OH of four years broke up that's exactly what I missed the most. We were in constant contact with each other while apart, always instant messaging or making quick phone calls or texts just to say hi. This was the hardest part to deal with when we broke up. It had become a habit and I craved it. It was a huge comfort knowing he was always there. When I went through difficult times I sought solace in him, so he became my crutch and my coping mechanism. When we broke up, although I knew it was for the best, it was incredibly difficult to have this coping mechanism taken away. I had to learn a new way to deal with stresses and strains and to be able to comfort myself. I had to learn to make myself happy.

You need to focus on yourself now. You have to learn to fulfill your own needs and be self-sufficient. You need to re-learn what makes you happy and set yourself goals. When I was with my OH I retreated into coupledom and as a result lost a lot of my hobbies and even some of my friends. Did that happen to you? Are there any hobbies you let slip away that you could take up again? Or is there something that you've always wanted to try but never got round to? Are there any friends you lost contact with that you'd like to try reconnect with? Now's the time to do it. Never mind about the future being uncertain. You're starting on a journey of self-discovery, the future can be whatever you want it to be. Make the most of this freedom while you have it.

I know exactly what you're going through right now and I won't lie, it's not going to be easy. All I can say to you is that you will get through it, as I did, and you'll be a much stronger person for it. You don't need someone to complete you, you're going to learn to be complete and whole in yourself. It's a very liberating experience and once you get there you'll never look back.

Tragedy

I would disagree with a few posters and say you dont need to change your life radically if you dont want.

If you feel lonely or like theres a void at time, find ways to fill it if you wish(be it making contact with old friends, learning something new, doing evening classes or whatever) but you dont need to change who you are or decide that you're going to be a new person, you just need to get over the person in whatever way suits you. You dont need to let an ex dictate your future as well as your past

LegacyUser

Tragedy wrote: »

I would disagree with a few posters and say you dont need to change your life radically if you dont want.

If you feel lonely or like theres a void at time, find ways to fill it if you wish(be it making contact with old friends, learning something new, doing evening classes or whatever) but you dont need to change who you are or decide that you're going to be a new person, you just need to get over the person in whatever way suits you. You dont need to let an ex dictate your future as well as your past

Thanks for the feedback, ive been finding deciding if i need to change difficult. I didnt really lose contact with friends during the relationship, if anything i picked a few up along the way As for hobbies yeah its something i should look at but time is always the problem, i love my job but it would take up every minute of every single day if i let it. i guess i should just try to adjust and enjoy being single and see what happens next.

Sheena99

I would try to not contact your ex for a while too OP, just take a break for both your sakes, to figure out life on your own. Tell her you'll ring in three months or six or whatever you think is reasonable. And in the meantime, see where life takes you. Best of luck.