bedroom problem...what to do???

annon123

ok,i dont really know where to start...and i apologise if this is long cos i don really know what the main problem with my relationship is but i think it stems from problems in the bedroom which annoys me cos i dont tink that a relationship should be based on how good or bad ur time between the sheets are.

Ive been with my guy for the last 7 or 8 months now. When we first started havin sex it ws awkward as we were both just getting t know each other. well thats what i told myself. Since probably that 1st nite together he's had a problem maintaining an erection.... condoms were the first to be blamed so we tried diff brands..
then after that, if he did manage to get it up he came pretty soon. now this has gotten to the point where im frustrated when we go to bed... he says he wants to please me and asks what'll help. Ive tried to point him in the right direction but i tink he gets so caught up in trying to keep it up and not come that he forgets that im actually there...

Now lately he keeps pestering me for blow jobs.....ive given them to other boyfriends and had no problems with that but because it felt like it was my duty to give him one i refused ( i really wasnt comfotable about it at that stage of the relship) since then the pestering has gotten worse and its started to annoy me because its perfctly clear im not comfortable with it.... is it unreasonable of me to expect him to understand that i will in my own time and that pestering me makes me feel like he doesnt respect me and that yet again its all about his pleasure???
i guess also a little maybe spiteful side of me felt that why should i give him pleasure when im not getting any??

its gotten to the point that im feeling frustrated everytime we go to bed... BELIEVE me i understand that it is just as frustrating for him and understand that it is not his fault when things dont work out... what i suppose the main problem is that when it doesnt work out i keep asking him to just relax it for a couple of days and that we should try other things but he wont listen... i suppose its a man thing feeling like u shuld be sexually pleasing your partner....and whithin a few mins when im jus dozing off he's at me again to try..almost forcing himself to get another erection...again at this stage im tired and not in the mood but try..there will still be no luck and then in the morning i get woken up to the same thing....but when i say im not in the mood he throws a strop... u see its at the stage now that i dont want to do it with him cos i kno that im just gonna get heated up and then thats it over. he also thinks its his god given right to have it all day evry day...even when i hurt my back and was in pain he still wanted it and got really annoyed with me when i wouldnt...
he just does not understand how demoralising it is to a woman to basically have a man get turned off every time he tries to have sex with her. i know he loves me and is turned on by me but he's just trying so much that im gettin frustrated as is he...
what should i do???
i feel like im the failure and not doing enough for him..but its hard when u feel like whats the point.... how awful am i for thinking that!!!

AARRRGH

Is he able to masturbate?

If so, is he able to get an erection ok, and is he able to masturbate for a while before he cums?

annon123

yeah he usually wakes up with an erection and usually comes when he masturbates...

AARRRGH

OK, so at least we know its psychological.

What does he think is wrong?

girl_friday

My sympathies are with you! I was in a similar position in the past and unfortunately it did not work out in the end but hopefully you'll have better luck!! Just a few questions:

1.) does your OH suffer from depression? (this was the case with my ex and I feel it had a lot to do with it! If so a doctor can help.)

2.) does your OH satisfy you in any way? Foreplay etc can help get through this but if he is only focusing on intercourse he may be stressing himself out which won't help the situation. Also if he cannot meet your needs and is only focusing on satisfying you when he is also getting pleasure then definitely I would be pointing this out when he asks for oral sex. Its a two way thing - not a balance sheet of who does what but a recognition that you both have needs to be met within the relationship.

3.) is it an experience thing? is he comfortable with sex and discussing sex in general?

Good luck with it all!!

meglome

Doesn't sounds like he's going about it the right way to fix the problem. He's just managing so far to make it worse. He needs to get his head clear (the top head ) That may involve talking to someone professional about it.

Marksie

Well, there is a communication issue here and no mistake and a big one at that.
Remember this you are responsible for your own ability to orgasm and reach a state of ecstatic bliss.
For a start he isn't listening or open to ideas. He says he wants to please you then doesnt alter his means of doing so.
He gets upset and sulky when he doesnt get the reaction he expects despite the fact that he isnt doing anything to improve things. Plus he is selfish to boot.

You are getting frustrated and angry and generating performance anxiety so its not making for a pleasant time in the bedroom. In addition you are getting spiteful and resentful that you are little more thah someething for him to get his jolliies on.
Wjhich of course is totally not what lovemaking or even good plain old sex is about now is it?

To be frank, it seems like you are backing your selves into a corner from whihc the only escape is to break up. As unless there is some radical shift in thinking on both your parts then its going to get worse not better.

Is his pestering for a BJ may be a means of promoting an erection so he can "do the job"?

The communication bewteen you two seems to be an all time low in this.
he needs to listen and back off and you need to keep the cool.

You also both need to change your tinking.
your current thinking is this Sex= penetration. Thats it. Nothing else, and its from both of you this is stemming from

Penetration is only a small part of sex but both of you have to realise this.
and both of you have to back off on each other. because i very muhc doubt that this is a one sided thing.

What have you actually DONE to show him how to pleasure you? Actions speak louder than words, but have you actually shown him what you like, or have you actually explored him and shopwn him different ways ?

There is a saying "if you want your partner to be an ecstatic lover, become one yourself".

So you on the one hand can self pleasure. turn him on, show him, guide him.

He on the other hand has to be open to this..again actions speak louder than words and anyone can say i want to give you pleasure, but it has to be backed up by the ability to put this into practice.
Not by closed mindedness which is too often a male trait in certain quarters.

In additoio there appears to be no intimacy, juts sex. No understanding and willingness to overcome this by exploring and effective open communication.
You have both set walls and bounadries and are allowing the frustrations to come through.

I can see that yuo ahve asked, he hasn't listened and is juts doing what he wants.
Time to show.
You have to let this go back to basics and try and let go these frustrations and resentments. They have no place in the bedroom and will continue to be a block.
Time for a start to sit down outside of teh bedroom and discuss this opebnly. If he strops, then dont get angry, but keep calm and return when he has stiopped sulking.
He simply has to learn and listen.

The alternaive is obvious as this resentment will build..

I dont think you are awful, but the pressure to perform on both of you is breaking you two up.
If its not too late go back to the drawing board