Eating disorder + veganism = disaster

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I've been bulimic for 8 years & have finally mustered up the courage to go to a therapist. I've realised one of my big problems is that my boyfriend is vegan. I feel trapped because if I eat only carb-heavy food, I'm not happy but if I eat meat then I feel guilty because of his disapproval.

He never says anything about me not being a vegan anymore & he has said a few things in the past (before he knew about my bulimia) so I know that even if he isn't saying anything, he disapproves.

Any advice would be really appreciated

Ask him how he feels about it now.
Your bullimia changes everything, it isn't a matter of ideals anymore.
Your health and safety come first and foremost.

Best of luck with your recovery!

Wurly

Just because your boyfriend is a vegan, it does not mean that you can't eat meat.

I was a strict veggie for years and NEVER ONCE lectured someone else on eating meat. It was none of my business what they did and I would have had some cheek to do that.

Your boyfriend's priority should be you getting better. And whatever food it takes to help you get there should not come under scrutiny from him.

dazberry

Unrg wrote: »

He never says anything about me not being a vegan anymore & he has said a few things in the past (before he knew about my bulimia) so I know that even if he isn't saying anything, he disapproves.

There's one thing to want the world to believe what you believe, it's another thing to deal with the reality of those beliefs. Ask him straight out, it doesn't necessarily mean that things he said in the past mean that he disapproves in any way. Ok a scene was set but talk to him. You may well find that he would of course like you to be vegan because he is, but things are a lot more complicated and he'd rather see you well on your terms than be a vegan on his.

D.

meglome

A lot of the vegetarians and vegans I've met over the years have had their own issues with food or control or both. I'll be lashed for generalising but that's my experience. Right now you need his full support and if that means you want to take up eating raw meat then that's what he should be supporting, anything as long as it helps you. This is not about him, it's about you and what you need to help you. Eating can be a great enjoyable experience but as you've got some issues with food you can't be worried about his disapproval. He made a choice to be a vegan, you make your choice. He's not worth a damn if he can't support you fully on this.

meglome

meglome wrote: »

A lot of the vegetarians and vegans I've met over the years have had their own issues with food or control or both.

It is the reverse actually alot of people with food issues use veg*ism to hide that problem.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone, they make me feel a lot better. I suppose I'm so used to people not understanding that I expect nothing from them (told my parents a few years ago & they never mentioned it again).

After blaming other people for being overweight & having an eating disorder for so long, I finally realised that I was the only one that could do it anything about it. But I'm coming around to accept that if he's going to be my life partner, he's going to have to support me.

Tri - were you a vegetarian for health or ethical reasons? Part of the problem is that for him its an ethical thing, so its almost like dealing with someone from another religion.

jesus_thats_gre

Unrg wrote: »

He never says anything about me not being a vegan anymore & he has said a few things in the past (before he knew about my bulimia) so I know that even if he isn't saying anything, he disapproves.

Who gives a **** if he disapproves. He has made the choice for himself, not for you. If you want to eat meat (like 99% of others on the planet do), then do so.

I would be willing to bet that there are quite a few in his family or circle of friends that think he is a complete plank for being a vegan. I best he doesn't give a toss whethe they approve or disapprove.

Sort yourself out. If eating meat facilitates that, eat as much as you want.

Unrg

Unrg wrote: »

Tri - were you a vegetarian for health or ethical reasons? Part of the problem is that for him its an ethical thing, so its almost like dealing with someone from another religion.

Imo being a veggie, gives you life expierences that better equip you to respect the ethical differences of others.

Having said that someone close to me has just started eating meat.
While I respect that it is her life and her choice.
I didn't hide my feelings from her because I was shocked and because they were obvious. Perhaps if your boyfriend had known your reason was health, he wouldn't have kept these feelings to himself.

Gillo

As the others have said it's your choice what you eat.

Explain everything to him and to be honest if he's not supportive of you eating what you need to eat at that stage, then in my opinion he's not exactly boyfriend material.

You should get in contact with "bodywhys" they are a help group for people with eating disorders, (kinda like AA) they'd be in a position to offer help and support.

Wurly

Unrg wrote: »

Tri - were you a vegetarian for health or ethical reasons? Part of the problem is that for him its an ethical thing, so its almost like dealing with someone from another religion.

It was entirely ethical (don't ask me where my ethics have gone now - lol) so there you go.

But they were MY ethics. NOT anyone else's! I can't tell others what to do, ya know?!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Unrg wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone, they make me feel a lot better. I suppose I'm so used to people not understanding that I expect nothing from them (told my parents a few years ago & they never mentioned it again).

After blaming other people for being overweight & having an eating disorder for so long, I finally realised that I was the only one that could do it anything about it. But I'm coming around to accept that if he's going to be my life partner, he's going to have to support me.

Tri - were you a vegetarian for health or ethical reasons? Part of the problem is that for him its an ethical thing, so its almost like dealing with someone from another religion.

Anyone who enforces veganism on others has serious issues. I'd almost stretch to saying anyone who's a vegan has serious issues but there are exceptions.

Gillo

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Anyone who enforces veganism on others has serious issues. I'd almost stretch to saying anyone who's a vegan has serious issues but there are exceptions.

There's nothing more annoying than a vegan or veggie enforcing their opinion on you, obviously they have a right ot their opinion but I'm convinced some of them actually visit slaughter house's just so they can explain the whole process of processing meat to you. Quite an inconsiderate bunch in my opinion.

Only other advice I can give you op is that's it's a long and hard road to overcome something like bulimia, but stick with it and get help where you can.

meglome

Moonbaby wrote: »

It is the reverse actually alot of people with food issues use veg*ism to hide that problem.

Exactly the point I was making.

meglome

Unrg wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone, they make me feel a lot better. I suppose I'm so used to people not understanding that I expect nothing from them (told my parents a few years ago & they never mentioned it again).

Jesus families really can be a disaster sometimes.

Unrg wrote: »

After blaming other people for being overweight & having an eating disorder for so long, I finally realised that I was the only one that could do it anything about it. But I'm coming around to accept that if he's going to be my life partner, he's going to have to support me.

You can do this without or without his support. It might be a little easier with his support but it won't stop you. Positive attitude I always think.

Unrg wrote: »

Part of the problem is that for him its an ethical thing, so its almost like dealing with someone from another religion.

Ethics are one thing but forcing your beliefs on someone else is just wrong and ultimately rarely works. Very good point about the religion thing though, I personally see vegans like the Mormon's or the Jehovah's, extreme and always looking out for converts. I have several friends who are chefs and they think vegetarians are weird but vegans are plain crazy (I kinda agree about the vegans). He should be doing what's right for you, end of story.

meglome

meglome wrote: »

Exactly the point I was making.

Actually it wasn't.

meglome

Moonbaby wrote: »

Actually it wasn't.

Not to derail the thread but since I'm of sound mind and completely sober I'm confident I know what I meant. Maybe take your opinionation down a notch (if only that was a real word too).

LegacyUser

Gillo - I did get in contact with Bodywhys. They were a great help & were the ones who helped me find my therapist. I'd recommend anyone to give them a call.

Thanks for the replies everyone, I guess I just had to hear it from other people - sometimes its hard to see the wood from the trees when you're right in the middle of it all.

I'm going to wait until I've had a few more sessions & then sit down with him & try to explain it all. Fingers crossed!

pookie82

First of all, big well done for getting to where you are without the support of your family and boyfriend. It must have been tough and it's indicative of your strength as a person that you went beyond the negativity and silence around you and sought help.

You're right to worry about your boyfreind's opinion if you intend him to be your life-partner. It's going to be double the battle without his support and with his continued attitude. Wait til you feel a little better and stronger (like you said after a few more sessions) and sit him down. Tell him what you suffer from and what has contributed heavily to it (i.e.his veganism and subsequent disaproval). If he isn't incredibly sorry and supportive then you need to reconsider spending you life with someone who is prepared to hold his ethical beliefs on meat eating over your health and safety.

Whispered

Well done op in getting the support you need. It really says a lot about you as a person to have the strength to do that. Just because your boyfriend does not eat meat does not mean you have to give it up too. Look at it as a matter of taste, if he eats something you dislike, you're not going to eat it just to keep him happy. I am vegetarian (ok so not as restrictive as vegan) and it never causes problems with my OH. We just agree to disagree (although he has agreed to eat free range). I will cook meat for him no problem and it really, really does ot effect our lives.

However, I am shocked at the amount of veggie bashing on this thread.
While this sounds harsh the OP's boyfriend DID NOT make her bullemic. Maybe thats the reason she has given to herself but come on people, if you have an eating disorder it is down to you. It is very unfair to blame her boyfriend. He may have expressed disapproval before but stopped when he was told she has an eating disorder. OP never said he tried to force veganism on her, just that he had made a few comments.

Your diet is a large part of who you are, especially when you base your diet on ethics. So if he doesn't eat meat because he disapproves of meat in general then he is entitled to express this. If you dont buy clothes from a certain shop because you disapprove of child labour, would you keep that from your partner? It's a similar thing.

To the poster who said vegetarians are strange and 99% of people eat meat - There are 12.4 million vegetarians in the world, in the uk nearly 7% are vegetarians.** - (** from wiki)

Whispered

meglome wrote: »

A lot of the vegetarians and vegans I've met over the years have had their own issues with food or control or both. .

I have found that a lot of people I know of who had eating disorders decided to become veggie after they developed the disorder to excuse the fact they are restricting their diet so much.

Davei141

Moonbaby wrote: »

Imo being a veggie, gives you life expierences that better equip you to respect the ethical differences of others.

Imo being a veggie makes your head get permanently lodged in your arse, as shown by the above.

Moonbaby wrote: »

Having said that someone close to me has just started eating meat.
While I respect that it is her life and her choice.
I didn't hide my feelings from her because I was shocked and because they were obvious.

WTF?

You poor dear, somebody close to you has started to eat meat? I am in awe of how you had the strength and courage to overcome that nasty obstacle life has put in your path...

Actually it wasn't.

There you have it, being a veggie also lets you know what other people think. Sign me up!

Redpunto

For you to have a healthy diet and eat protein, I would feel is far more important than someones chosing to be a vegan.

From my own experience, most vegans are always trying to push their life views onto other people and have an air about them that they think theyre above normal people who eat meat and salt and crisps and takeaways and use central heating and OMG dont have long-life bulbs or have a compost heap,,you heathen you.

ali.c

dazberry wrote: »

There's one thing to want the world to believe what you believe, it's another thing to deal with the reality of those beliefs. Ask him straight out, it doesn't necessarily mean that things he said in the past mean that he disapproves in any way. Ok a scene was set but talk to him. You may well find that he would of course like you to be vegan because he is, but things are a lot more complicated and he'd rather see you well on your terms than be a vegan on his.

D.

+1 it sounds like you are inferring his disapproval rather than him expressing it. Dunno if its possible but if you are seeing someone about the issue could you maybe arrange that he come along to one of the sessions, you may be interpreting his lack of understanding on the topic as lack of support.

You could do this without his support but it could also just be that he doesnt know how to support rather than any intention on his part. You need to priortise your health and any support he can give you will help you do this.

LegacyUser

To be honest, I'm not surprised at the anti-vegan/vegetarianism. Really guys, its not fair to tar all vegans with the same brush. Redpunto - I find that self-rightous attitude to be even more prevalent among those who demand that they have the right pollute & not give a damn about the environment, while letting others around them worry about the consequences of their actions. Having said that, it may be my own prejudices against my boyfriend as a vegan, that I am assuming that he will not be happy with my unless I am a also a vegan.

pookie82 & helen.ryan - thanks for your words of support. The moral I've learned from this experience is "If you want something done, you've got to do it yourself"!

helen.ryan - he is entitled to his opinions & I get your child labour analogy. However, I don't eat a lot of meat & all dairy & meat I buy is organic, free-range & local. I also consider his logic to be flawed because he eats a lot of soy that has to be grown abroad & then highly processed & brought to Ireland. I don't think its as black & white as saying non-animal products are better for the environment. It's just not that simple. But we both have the same basic morals towards the environment, etc. I just choose to make my lifestyle changes in a different way - I don't fly as much as him, etc.

ali.c - you're probably right. A lot of guys (and girls) just have no clue about eating disorders. He probably is quite confused about the whole thing.

Tar.Aldarion

Unrg wrote: »

Hi guys,

I've been bulimic for 8 years & have finally mustered up the courage to go to a therapist. I've realised one of my big problems is that my boyfriend is vegan. I feel trapped because if I eat only carb-heavy food, I'm not happy but if I eat meat then I feel guilty because of his disapproval.

He never says anything about me not being a vegan anymore & he has said a few things in the past (before he knew about my bulimia) so I know that even if he isn't saying anything, he disapproves.

Any advice would be really appreciated

People seem to be equating your guilt for not having the same beliefs as your boyfriend as him having done something wrong. He made a few comments before he knew you had bulimia and then never did once he found out? Oh the bastard. I think it shows up more about people commenting about him than anything else. As for your problem, well done for going to a therapist. A note would be you can have a vegetarian diet that is low carb, same as an omnivorous diet but that is besiedes the point. Before considering some diet you need to get better first, eat what makes you feel well and if that is meat, eat it. You have to get over bulimia foremost. Boyfriends and girlfriends will always disapprove of things the other does, so? Don't feel guilty about it. Best of luck.

To the poster who said vegetarians are strange and 99% of people eat meat - There are 12.4 million vegetarians in the world, in the uk nearly 7% are vegetarians

Dunno where you got that from but there are hundreds of millions, you forget that some major religions have a large proportion of vegetarians,, such as in india, where there are over a billion people living and things go as far as you not being accepted in an appartment if you are not vegetarian in some areas.