Let down by old friends

LegacyUser

Just need to get this off my chest.
Was asked to go to the wedding of an old college friend in a couple of weeks, as a last minute thing, he'd left me off the original list and emailed to ask if i'd come, realising it was bad form. I was pretty hurt as we're going to be living near each other once he builds his house, pretty much for good, but swallowed it and said i'd be delighted.
The wedding is a couple of hundred miles from home, and i contacted 2 other college friends who live a good bit away also. Last saw one at christmas and the other about 3 months ago. We've been out of college close to 10 years now. Neither has been very forthcoming about where they are staying for the wedding, or offered to share journeys between church/ reception or anything like that. They both have partners and I guess the car is full... I even asked straight out where htey were staying so could book same place but no info given... so went ahead and booked somewhere on my own.
I'm a single parent and not just a bit busy, but flat out busy with all my committments, and have a fairly zero social life... i realise we're not in contact all the time, but these were my very best friends for the whole of college, and i didn't think they'd leave me to it like this... i'm dreading the wedding to be honest, I won't know anybody else at the do, and don't know what to expect from them on the day.
Not really expecting any special help with this, I have a medical condition that makes me a little depressed sometimes, (which the girls don't know about) but i don't think i'm imagining things this time. Just wanted to get it off my chest.
Anyway, I got a fab dress for the wedding, getting my hair done tomorrow, so will just make sure I look my best on teh day and shur who knows, might meet someone there myself :-)
thanks for reading :-)

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

Beau x1

Intheway wrote: »

and have a fairly zero social life...

IMO, this is the problem. You're a single parent and lead a very busy life - therefore you have no opportunities to socialise and make other friends, and seeing your old mates who you were once very close with distance from you hurts, and it should of course. However, if you had progressed yourself and made a new circle of friends you wouldn't have felt half as bad as you too would have known you moved on in this area (not your fault by the way, being a single mother is bound to be tough).

Go to the wedding, enjoy it and when you come back make some room for your own socialising plans, you deserve it after all.

LegacyUser

Beau x1 wrote: »

IMO, this is the problem. You're a single parent and lead a very busy life - therefore you have no opportunities to socialise and make other friends, and seeing your old mates who you were once very close with distance from you hurts, and it should of course. However, if you had progressed yourself and made a new circle of friends you wouldn't have felt half as bad as you too would have known you moved on in this area (not your fault by the way, being a single mother is bound to be tough).

Go to the wedding, enjoy it and when you come back make some room for your own socialising plans, you deserve it after all.

I totally agree. It's just that these friends were there all the time while i was pregnant and trying to finish out college with little one, i thought they'd understand.
They have a hectic social scene, and my lifestyle is totally different; i've concentrated on my career, buying a house, doing more study, making sure my child has enough of my time (never happens). Combine that with a chronic illness and I haven't kept in touch with them enough. I suppose it's a lesson learned to value people more and keep in touch more. I've had to turn down invitations for impromptu nights out, but then, travelling to another county at 2 hours notice isn't practical for me. But turn down enough and people stop asking I suppose.
Anyway, i'm sorry for the pity party, I am going to try to enjoy the day, and i'm sure it won't be as bad as i imagine, i just never went to a wedding alone before, didn't want to ask someone along just for the sake of it.

STUBBORNGIRL

hey Op i can totally sympatise with you - i find some friends just do their own thing and arent really accomodating of other people.

i have found though as time has gone by that you realise which are the really good friends and which are the fairweather friends! and God love it cant be easy for you being a single mum but you have come this far so dont give up now! it was ignorant of them not to at least divulge where they were staying - i am sure that they know you werent goign to ask them to share a bed...:) some people can be so selfish - I would go out of my way to make sure that no one would be left out and would hate to see anyone in your position! but unfortunately the same is not always returned!

Go to the wedding and who knows you may enjoy yourself more than them!!! Either way dont give them a second thought and if they ask you if you have booked anywhere yet - say oh i am still looking - My friends mother has a saying and i love it - Never make anyone the wiser than your self!!!

good luck to you - and hey Get out more, meet more people!

mayordenis

I'm actually on the other side of this coin - not having a go at all,

but I can't keep up with friends from college etc. had too many, same with school have pretty much got 5/6 good friends and my girlfriend and outside of that I wouldn't go out of my way to contact anyone else. I'm afraid that's part of life people do move on sadly.

LegacyUser

mayordenis wrote: »

I'm actually on the other side of this coin - not having a go at all,

but I can't keep up with friends from college etc. had too many, same with school have pretty much got 5/6 good friends and my girlfriend and outside of that I wouldn't go out of my way to contact anyone else. I'm afraid that's part of life people do move on sadly.

Well, that pretty much sums up why I'm not in touch with lots of people I used to know, I just don't have the time. Nor do I expect anyone to be holding my hand. I contact these girls for a chat or something a couple of times a year is all. It's actually a relief to hear I'm not alone being like that.

I'm just surprised and a bit let down, it's a wedding of a mutual friend, thought they could have been a bit more, god, don't even know, but didn't expect the coolness anyway. Sure when I see them it might be all worry over nothing, but just i'll still be the saddo driving nearly an hour between church and reception on my own in a county i've never been to before... fun city :-) All this probably hasn't even occurred to them. For one (the one I was closer to) she has a boyfriend now which she never did before, so she's probably all loved up and not even thinking about anyone else.

MagicMarker

Intheway wrote: »

Just need to get this off my chest.
Was asked to go to the wedding of an old college friend in a couple of weeks, as a last minute thing, he'd left me off the original list and emailed to ask if i'd come, realising it was bad form. I was pretty hurt as we're going to be living near each other once he builds his house, pretty much for good, but swallowed it and said i'd be delighted.
The wedding is a couple of hundred miles from home, and i contacted 2 other college friends who live a good bit away also. Last saw one at christmas and the other about 3 months ago. We've been out of college close to 10 years now. Neither has been very forthcoming about where they are staying for the wedding, or offered to share journeys between church/ reception or anything like that. They both have partners and I guess the car is full... I even asked straight out where htey were staying so could book same place but no info given... so went ahead and booked somewhere on my own.
I'm a single parent and not just a bit busy, but flat out busy with all my committments, and have a fairly zero social life... i realise we're not in contact all the time, but these were my very best friends for the whole of college, and i didn't think they'd leave me to it like this... i'm dreading the wedding to be honest, I won't know anybody else at the do, and don't know what to expect from them on the day.
Not really expecting any special help with this, I have a medical condition that makes me a little depressed sometimes, (which the girls don't know about) but i don't think i'm imagining things this time. Just wanted to get it off my chest.
Anyway, I got a fab dress for the wedding, getting my hair done tomorrow, so will just make sure I look my best on teh day and shur who knows, might meet someone there myself :-)
thanks for reading :-)

No offense, but i think you're being overdramatic about this.

These people don't owe you anything. Stop feeling sorry for yourself!

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

No offense, but i think you're being overdramatic about this.

These people don't owe you anything. Stop feeling sorry for yourself!

I'm travelling to the other end of the country, to a wedding where the only people I'll know are being stand-offish with me. I don't see anything particularly dramatic in my posts.
Of course they don't 'owe' me anything, but what else are 'friends' old or otherwise for?

Carrigart Exile

Intheway wrote: »

Just need to get this off my chest.
Was asked to go to the wedding of an old college friend in a couple of weeks, as a last minute thing, he'd left me off the original list and emailed to ask if i'd come, realising it was bad form. I was pretty hurt as we're going to be living near each other once he builds his house, pretty much for good, but swallowed it and said i'd be delighted.
The wedding is a couple of hundred miles from home, and i contacted 2 other college friends who live a good bit away also. Last saw one at christmas and the other about 3 months ago. We've been out of college close to 10 years now. Neither has been very forthcoming about where they are staying for the wedding, or offered to share journeys between church/ reception or anything like that. They both have partners and I guess the car is full... I even asked straight out where htey were staying so could book same place but no info given... so went ahead and booked somewhere on my own.
I'm a single parent and not just a bit busy, but flat out busy with all my committments, and have a fairly zero social life... i realise we're not in contact all the time, but these were my very best friends for the whole of college, and i didn't think they'd leave me to it like this... i'm dreading the wedding to be honest, I won't know anybody else at the do, and don't know what to expect from them on the day.
Not really expecting any special help with this, I have a medical condition that makes me a little depressed sometimes, (which the girls don't know about) but i don't think i'm imagining things this time. Just wanted to get it off my chest.
Anyway, I got a fab dress for the wedding, getting my hair done tomorrow, so will just make sure I look my best on teh day and shur who knows, might meet someone there myself :-)
thanks for reading :-)

You may find your college friends are also flat out busy and they aren't being unfriendly, just are struggling for time, including time to answer e-mails, etc

LegacyUser

Hi Op im not sure if you should go-it sounds like it would be quite difficult-

Firstly you got the feeling you were not even fully asked to the wedding immediatly,and then your old mates are not interested in getting together.

I think you are excited to be going to a wedding,and love the idea of enjoyin a day out but i think you are left in a very vunerable situation.

Its like you will be heading out there on your own and trying to make the most of it-but it could be a nightmare surrounded by people you dont really know anymore.

If it was me i wouldnt go-id prefer to be around people who loved me and i could have fun with-you might regret going.

LegacyUser

blonde wrote: »

Hi Op im not sure if you should go-it sounds like it would be quite difficult-

Firstly you got the feeling you were not even fully asked to the wedding immediatly,and then your old mates are not interested in getting together.

I think you are excited to be going to a wedding,and love the idea of enjoyin a day out but i think you are left in a very vunerable situation.

Its like you will be heading out there on your own and trying to make the most of it-but it could be a nightmare surrounded by people you dont really know anymore.

If it was me i wouldnt go-id prefer to be around people who loved me and i could have fun with-you might regret going.

Thanks, I think I really should go though.
My friend with the wedding had some arbitrary 'rule' about who he was asking, and realised afterwards that he should have asked me anyway. He was genuinely delighted when I said I'd go.
If I don't go I think I'd regret it more in the long term.
These girls may or may not be part of my life going forward but the guy getting married almost certainly will.

I have a family member who lives about an hour from the venue, so worst case scenario I'll leave a bit early and spend the night with them instead. Best case I've blown this out of proportion (too much time alone thinking) and it will all be fine on the day.

Trinity

I understand how you feel. If i was travelling with a party of 4, and i knew an old friend of mine was travelling and attending alone, i would most certainly invite them to join us or at least even tell them where i was staying and assure them they would not be left a wall flower!

Do they know you are coming alone actually?

But then some people are different, it might not even cross their minds. I am a bit more sensitive than some people, some people might just say feck it but with your depression you may feel a little more vulnerable. As you can see from the other replies everyone differs, i would be more like you.

I think you are brave to go, and sod them anyway. try have a great time, see how they are with you, they may not have thought about it and assume you will all just hook up when you get there.

eamon234

I found once I started having kids a lot of my friends lost touch - the only ones I still see every now and again are the ones who have kids and live in the same area - it's funny through having kids and moving home I ended up becoming friends again with people I went to secondary school with who also had kids and hadn't seen in 15 years!

LegacyUser

The friend who lives nearest (that I could have travelled with) knows I'm travelling alone, but I've made other arrangements now and will travel with other family and make a weekend of it.
Anyway, thanks for all the replies, I'm sure it'll be grand, and I find what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. As a lone parent I'm well used to attending things alone, but a full wedding seems a bit daunting. I was less nervous travelling alone to the other side of the world :-)

MIN2511

Can you not take a date?

LegacyUser

MIN2511 wrote: »

Can you not take a date?

I honestly didn't think I'd need to - I just assumed I'd hook up with the girls.
I had to let my pal know if I was bringing someone last week (for numbers for the hotel/ seating plans etc) and told him I'd come alone. It would be too late to change that now I think.
I'm sure we'll be seated together for the meal anyway.

MIN2511

Fair enough....


It's a wedding, if they are cold to you make new friends!

Don't worry you would be fine

RedXIV

Can tell you this now OP, weddings are social events where EVERYONE has something in common (bride and groom) so the conversations are easily started, "so how do you know X" or "Aren't you Y's cousin?"

I worked with a wedding photgrapher for a while and even the staff get chatted to at these things. By complete strangers! Go to the wedding and go with the intention of meeting new people, and having fun. if you catch up with your friends, great, but i guarantee if they see you laughing and talking to everyone, they'll be the one making the effort to talk to you.

Best of luck OP

Red

STUBBORNGIRL

MagicMarker wrote: »

No offense, but i think you're being overdramatic about this.

These people don't owe you anything. Stop feeling sorry for yourself!

Well Magic Marker i dont think this post helped the op one bit! you may aswell have said you have no friends now get over it!

Believe it or not there are a lot of nice people out there that if they knew someone was attending a wedding on their own would invite them to tag along with them. Well i for one most certainly would. its nice to be nice!!

Where did you come up with the fact that they dont owe her anything???? so now friendship is a case of oweing someone - Get over yourself MAgic Marker and wake up to reality and realise what is expected from a "friend" - Friends should be there for you when you need them most, regardless of how much contact there is...I have friends from college and i know if we were going to a friends wedding in the morning they would let me tag along although i dont see them that much and they most certainly dont owe me anything!!

Have some sympathy for the Op - it is obvioulsy something that is upsetting her and she needs to hear some reassuring posts and doesnt need to be told to stop feeling sorry for herself! that is just cruel!

Op go to the wedding and enjoy yourself and i am sure your friend that is getting married will introduce you to other people! Weddings are fun and a day to celebrate where everyone mingles and makes new friends! you might even find a new guy - they say a wedding is a making of another one

Ps : Ignore the rude responses and dont even bother responding to them - they dont deserve your response!

insomnia08

If I were you I would forget about all those negative feelings about those people.

Think as nothing had hapened and be happy to meet your friends. Sometimes we expect way too much of others (expecting what you would be like to them..)

Maybe you and your friends surprise each other. Sometimes people get cold with each other because they don´t know what you are thinking of them or what your situation is at the moment.

I´m sure you will have a good time. Just don´t expect anything else but a good time

LegacyUser

Maybe, just maybe they are afraid that with their new partners and the fact that you haven't kept in touch that you could somehow accidently bring up some dirt from their past. I have a friend who was omitted from a wedding altogether because he knew the groom's dirty secrets. Just a theory.

mrsdewinter

Red sounds like a man of experience in these things. Re the college girl friends, I'd say it's nothing personal. They're probably just focusing on their own weekends and simply haven't given anybody or anything else a thought. Go with an open mind - and don't get bogged down talking to your old friends. Doesn't sound like you owe them much... Have a great time...

MagicMarker

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

Well Magic Marker i dont think this post helped the op one bit! you may aswell have said you have no friends now get over it!

But i didn't say that, so all is well:)

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

Believe it or not there are a lot of nice people out there that if they knew someone was attending a wedding on their own would invite them to tag along with them. Well i for one most certainly would. its nice to be nice!!

Yes it is, but it's not being rude if you don't do this. Her friends have done nothing wrong and they have not ''let her down''.

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

Where did you come up with the fact that they dont owe her anything???? so now friendship is a case of oweing someone - Get over yourself MAgic Marker and wake up to reality and realise what is expected from a "friend"

The fact that she's on the internet whining that she wasn't offered a 'shared journey' (lift) or told where they were staying gives me the impression that they should divulge this information just because she is a so called friend.

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

Friends should be there for you when you need them most, regardless of how much contact there is...I have friends from college and i know if we were going to a friends wedding in the morning they would let me tag along although i dont see them that much and they most certainly dont owe me anything!!

So, it's cool if i give Marc Matison, my best friend from when i was 8 years old, a call tomorrow and ask if he'll put me up for a night when i'm in the city, even though i haven't spoken to him in 16 years? Unfortunately, people drift apart, they haven't been ''college buds'' for 10 years now, there's no reason to 'tag' along with them in the car, or even to stay in the same hotel. I certainly wouldn't expect it, let a lone rant about it on the internet. I'm a big boy now, i can drive myself and choose where i stay without being offended that i have to do it on my own. These people probably have their own families and close friends to think about.

Have some sympathy for the Op - it is obvioulsy something that is upsetting her and she needs to hear some reassuring posts and doesnt need to be told to stop feeling sorry for herself! that is just cruel!

Op go to the wedding and enjoy yourself and i am sure your friend that is getting married will introduce you to other people! Weddings are fun and a day to celebrate where everyone mingles and makes new friends! you might even find a new guy - they say a wedding is a making of another one

Ps : Ignore the rude responses and dont even bother responding to them - they dont deserve your response!

I do have sympathy, but at the end of the day she is feeling sorry for herself over something rather trivial.

*Lees*

I just wanted to say that I can understand where your friend is coming from (the one who is getting married!) with the invite situation!
My sister is getting married and as a rule they decided there would be no kids and no cousins as they both have large families and the numbers would have been huge!! But we have 3 cousins who we would have grown up with and at first they weren't invited but as the months passed she realised that she wanted them at her wedding & went against the rules and invited them even though no other cousins would be there!
Your friend could have been in the same situation!
Go to the wedding and have fun! Your friends are probably just too caught up in their own lives at the moment with getting married and having a new boyfriend etc! You will be fine once you get there! Have fun:)

bangersandmash

MagicMarker wrote: »

Yes it is, but it's not being rude if you don't do this. Her friends have done nothing wrong and they have not ''let her down''.

I'd agree with MagicMarker and Mrsdewinter. The vast majority of people are absorbed in their day-to-day lives. The women in question might be more concerned with mundane things like their dress, losing weight for wedding, or the impression their OH will make, to realise that their friend from 10 years ago needs a lift. Yes it would have been "nice" to offer a lift as a favour, but it is a stretch of the imagination to say that it is "rude" not to offer. Less consideration is just a side effect of people drifting apart.

OP, it is quite likely that your college friends will be completely oblivious to the fact that you feel "let down". They probably simply assumed that you would be making your own arrangements, and that they'd see you at the wedding. It seems that you have two options: 1) hold a grudge against them and potentially spoil the night for yourself, 2) let this pass and just enjoy the wedding, including the reunion with your old college friends.