Pressurised into giving oral

LegacyUser

Ok folks, this is going to be a long one, apologies in advance. (Please also don’t anyone be harsh because I’m feeling very vulnerable right now.) Ok, here goes:

Years ago when I was in my teens I experienced a violent sexual assault where I was forced to perform oral on my attacker. It was dark (the middle of the night) I was confined in an enclosed space, he was much much bigger and stronger and he had his hands around my throat – he made himself very clear, it was either give him the blowjob or get the life choked out of me. I don’t feel guilt or shame about what happened, I know in my own heart it wasn’t my fault and he was just some sick fuk. I’d rather have to suffer a sexual assault every day of my life than inflict one on someone even once, so God love him and his perversions, rather him than me.

I’ve had several long-term relationships since and this past experience has never caused me relationship problems until now. I’ve never had a problem giving my past partners oral sex, but that was because they were never insistent about it. In this current relationship I’ve come to discover that I do have a problem giving oral sex when a man is persistently insistent and relentless about it. I’m with my current partner a few years and I guess I’ve always felt kind of wary about performing oral sex on him because he’s always kept going on and on and on about it. He’d be happy to receive oral every day of his life, and is not happy to receive it less than a few times weekly. I started off feeling reluctant and now I’m feeling trapped and extremely pressurised and every time I go near him I’m just waiting on the blowjob talk to start, which of course it inevitably does.

I don’t want to get into discussing with him what happened to me. I’ve never discussed that with a man. I don’t want to and don’t feel I should have to. Feeling pressured into a situation where I have to talk about the assault (by way of explaining my reactions) feels just as invasive as being pressured to suck his manhood whenever the mood takes him. Anyway, the way things went, the more he pushed for oral the more I retreated from giving it. Now I’m at the point where I’m feeling increasingly resentful towards my partner, because I explained to him months and months ago (because I cant expect him to be a mind-reader) that I am not a woman who can be forced on this issue, that I need to perform oral when I feel safe and in control, and that when I feel like that I’ve no problem doing so.

It all came to a head (pardon the awful pun) recently when I was lying in bed beside him and I rested my head on his lower stomach and I thought to myself, ‘I’ll give him a blowjob now’ and I was just about to get down to business when of course he asked me to give him a bloody blowjob! I just got extremely pissed off because I’ve discussed with him many times over the last year that I don’t need to feel pressured, that the moment he starts going on about it I feel under duress and if he stops asking we’ll be fine, and what does he do only turn around and pressure me AGAIN!!!!! I said to him, “I’ve talked to you over and over about asking me for blowjobs all the time, I was just about to go down on you till you said that”. He just responded with a real stroppy attitude “Don’t worry, I never want another blowjob from you. There now, the pressures off”.

I just got out of the bed and walked up to the shop for a packet of cigarettes trying to hold back the tears all the way. I’m just so fukin pissed off. Why can’t he just leave me alone and stop going on and on about blowjobs for five fukin minutes????? I’ve explained to him I can’t be pressured like that but he just won’t listen. I’m angry now at this point. This is a grown man we’re talking about, not a teenaged boy. As far as I’m concerned he should know better. I’m no prude and he’s told me before he’s had better sex with me than with anyone. I’m the only woman he’s ever had outdoor sex with and we regularly do things that would be considered a bit racy by a lot of people (don’t want to be getting too vulgar for the readers here) but just to say this man, by his own admission, has nothing to complain about in the bedroom department.

I’m starting to feel very resentful here and I definitely have NO intention of discussing the origins of my reasons for needing not to feel pressured with him. I feel that it should be enough that he knows I need not to be harassed for blowjobs all the time. So I suppose that is my question – should it be enough that he knows I don’t need to feel pressured? I strongly feel that it should, but I would welcome any advice on the issue.

I should add (though this post is already very long and I apologise for that) that part of the reason why I don’t want to discuss that awful incident with my partner is because I don’t want what that dirty fuker did to me to go through my partners mind every time I go to perform oral on him.

It’s got to the point now that he’s made such an issue of it where weeks and weeks will go by between me going down on him. Though there is plenty of sex between blowjobs, he is frustrated and I am angry and resentful. I’m moving between feeling like that and feeling very tearful and vulnerable, and then every time I feel upset I feel angry again at him for going on and on and fukin on about it. I feel if I ever heard the term ‘blowjob’ from him again I’ll scream. How on earth do I rectify this without telling him about the assault???

Besides all this, we have a very loving relationship. It’s a great relationship actually, in every other respect. There’s lots of affection and hugging and lots of laughs. I need to find a way around what’s going on here. I’m so upset about this I’m literally in tears right now, but I do feel a bit lighter having written this. Thank you all for reading and I look forward to your replies.

cowzerp

Do it before he gets the chance to ask and tell him thats a reward for been patient!! he'll get the point then hopefully, then next time he asks you and you are not happy about it, tell him no and dont do it, explain why! you'll do it when your ready, not when asked, end of.

but if your leaving him waiting when he's not asking he might get frustrated, remember he does not understand your reasons, so basically do it regular enough and both problems solved, his and yours..

LegacyUser

cowzerp wrote: »

Do it before he gets the chance to ask and tell him thats a reward for been patient!!

Thanks cowzerp, but that's literally an impossibility, as he asks every single day in life!

Also, I have to point out he may be getting frustrated for the want of a blowjob but he’s certainly not getting frustrated for the want of an orgasm because I give him plenty of those.

Something I'd be particularly interested to know from the men reading this - is it inconsiderate of him to continue pressurising me like this even without knowing why it is so difficult for me, just knowing that it obviously is?

Nevyn

First off did you get counselling after you were assulated ? if not would you consider doing so now ?

Secondly he is out of order and should just give over asking, he should respect you enough to just wait until you are ready and let you instiage it, in a way you feel comfortable with even if it means waiting and not mentioning for a year or having his hands tied to the bed.

BubbleWrap85

I think you should tell him. You've been with him for several years and you shouldn't have secrets from each other. Understandably, you don't want to relive the trauma that you suffered, and I understand that you don't want him thinking about it everytime you go down on him. But he needs to know the reasons.

Have you ever told anyone about this? It's terrible that it happened to you, but full marks for dealing with it so calmy like you did. I do think however it is time to tell your partner. I'm sure he'd be mortified if he knew what his constant asking was doing to you.

He doesn't realise that it is a problem, and because you're quite adventurous in other ways, he's probably thinking there definitely shouldn't be a problem with oral! However, if you don't LIKE giving him oral, then you should come to a compromise. Nobody should be forced or pressured into doing any sort of sexual activity that they are not comfortable with. If you don't enjoy giving it to him [regardless of the attack] then explain this to him. But if it's the memories from your past that is preventing you from enjoying it, I would seriously consider relating this to him and explaining why. He's not going to think any less of you. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

cowzerp

Thaedydal wrote: »

Secondly he is out of order and should just give over asking, he should respect you enough to just wait until you are ready and let you instiage it,.

If he knew the situation he would understand, at the moment he probably just feels like she is using it as a control tool! we know she's not but we know more than him right now..

Marksie

Unregandsad wrote: »

Something I'd be particularly interested to know from the men reading this - is it inconsiderate of him to continue pressurising me like this even without knowing why it is so difficult for me, just knowing that it obviously is?

From my perspective i would say yes it is.

Its perfectly acceptable to ask for what you want within a realtionship if both parties are open to it.
But this continued badgering for one specific act borders on the obsessional.
Its highly disrespectful and shows a disregard for your feelings.
If he is aware that you are uncomfortable with it, a blind man could not be if you left the bed after one episode, then he should let you decide.

But in truth his reaction in getting stroppy, shows a degree of selfishness and childishness. He does sound like a child with an "i wanna sweetie" attitude.

Now, it is entirely up to you if you decide that as a couple he should know why. But do you really think it will make him any different?

MagicMarker

BubbleWrap85 wrote: »

I think you should tell him. You've been with him for several years and you shouldn't have secrets from each other. Understandably, you don't want to relive the trauma that you suffered, and I understand that you don't want him thinking about it everytime you go down on him. But he needs to know the reasons.

Have you ever told anyone about this? It's terrible that it happened to you, but full marks for dealing with it so calmy like you did. I do think however it is time to tell your partner. I'm sure he'd be mortified if he knew what his constant asking was doing to you.

He doesn't realise that it is a problem, and because you're quite adventurous in other ways, he's probably thinking there definitely shouldn't be a problem with oral! However, if you don't LIKE giving him oral, then you should come to a compromise. Nobody should be forced or pressured into doing any sort of sexual activity that they are not comfortable with. If you don't enjoy giving it to him [regardless of the attack] then explain this to him. But if it's the memories from your past that is preventing you from enjoying it, I would seriously consider relating this to him and explaining why. He's not going to think any less of you. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

I disagree,

It's quite clear that the OP has moved on with their life and bravely not let her past experiences get to her or effect her. In this case she has every right to keep this from her partner, i know that if i knew, i would be concerned every time she'd go down on me in case i too had pressured her or that she somehow has to do this to me.

Tails142

Just tell him about the assault, he'll probably never want another blow job again.

The longer you leave it the more embarassed he's going to be when he does find out, think how ridiculous he will feel for making you give him a blowjob when he finds out what you went through.

BubbleWrap85

Yes but as a serious couple shouldn't he know?

Marksie

BubbleWrap85 wrote: »

Yes but as a serious couple shouldn't he know?

Thats really up to the OP Bubblewrap85. She knows him better than we do.

cowzerp

MagicMarker wrote: »

I disagree,

It's quite clear that the OP has moved on with their life and bravely not let her past experiences get to her or effect her..

Thats the thing, it is affecting her.

Marksie

cowzerp wrote: »

Thats the thing, it is affecting her.

Re-read the first two lines of the third paragraph. What is affecting her is his continued badgering.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. No Thayadel, I never got counselling over it, but I wouldn’t rule it out now. Part of the reason I never went looking for therapy is because I’m kind of a ‘move on and let it go’ type of person and also partly because it’s never affected a relationship until now, and the reason for that is because as I said I’ve never been with anyone who’s so fixated on blowjobs before.

And you know, the funny thing is, to answer your question BubbleWrap85, I don’t have a problem with blowjobs in and of themselves. I’m sure I gave my ex’s more blowjobs than my current partner, because they did not make me feel powerless on the issue. It feels like this man (much as I love him, and I really do) never wants his penis anywhere other than in my mouth.

I know he doesn’t think I’m playing some sort of power game cowzerp. He knows me better than that. I’m sure he thinks that I’m just a woman who’s reluctant to give blowjobs and the more nagging he does the more blowjobs he’s likely to receive, but I have already made it very clear that the polar opposite is true (i.e. more nagging = less blowjobs) and he’s just not listening. I’m sick of him being so pushy about it and I’m getting majorly resentful here, because even giving him leeway for the fact that he doesn’t know about the assault, I think he’s pushing it too far anyway. I think if I’d never been assaulted and was just someone who wasn’t that mad into blowjobs he’s still being overly forceful, and that is making me really pissed off.

BubbleWrap85

Yeah but it's as a result of her past experiences, otherwise that wouldn't have been of any relevance.

I agree that nobody has the right to keep asking for blowjobs or sex or whatever the case may be, but I think he deserves to know as to why she's holding back. She's holding back because she doesn't like the constant talk of doing it, because it reminds her of being forced into it when she was younger. He would be much more understanding if he knew why she was being reluctant.

tobiesheba

First off I don't think a couple need to know absolutely everything about each other. And while I would think if the OP were to tell her BF about the assualt he would be more understanding. However this is something that she's not ready to do, at least at the moment.
And I'm not sure from your post but have you said to him at times other than when he's after asking you for a BJ that you don't like being pressured into it? I think if you were to sit down and explain to him that you love him, and that you have no problems giving him BJs, just with him asking for them all the time that he'd have to respect that. Lay it down as a ground rule so to speak.
However if this issue only ever comes up when he asks he's going to be angry because to a certain extent he's frustrated because he didn't get want he wanted.

BubbleWrap85

tobiesheba wrote: »

First off I don't think a couple need to know absolutely everything about each other. And while I would think if the OP were to tell her BF about the assualt he would be more understanding. However this is something that she's not ready to do, at least at the moment.
And I'm not sure from your post but have you said to him at times other than when he's after asking you for a BJ that you don't like being pressured into it? I think if you were to sit down and explain to him that you love him, and that you have no problems giving him BJs, just with him asking for them all the time that he'd have to respect that. Lay it down as a ground rule so to speak.
However if this issue only ever comes up when he asks he's going to be angry because to a certain extent he's frustrated because he didn't get want he wanted.

^^ is right!

Perhaps a couple don't need to know everything about each other. [I don't have the best knowledge/experience on relationshipy things!]

I'd do as was suggested above, explain to him at a calm time away from the blowjob scenario and he might realise how much it's affecting you then and that this is how you really feel.

LegacyUser

BubbleWrap85 wrote: »

Yeah but it's as a result of her past experiences, otherwise that wouldn't have been of any relevance.

In fairness it's a combination of both BubbleWrap, (his insistence and the assault, that is) but it is his insistence that has sparked the problem here as I never had it with another partner. If you were to take the insistence out of the equation the problem would disappear. Marksie is quite right when he says it's the badgering that's the crux of the problem. (By the way Marksie, thank you for that assesment that it's a bit OTT whatever the circumstances, that is what I was thinking myself.)

BubbleWrap85 wrote: »

He would be much more understanding if he knew why she was being reluctant.

He would be, but then it'd be uppermost in his mind and it'd be like that bastard was in the bed with us every time, and I'm not letting that happen. I know you said you feel he deserves to know and I can get where you’re coming from there, but I feel I deserve nobody to know if that is what I choose and this is the only single instance where I feel my rights trump his in this relationship.

The worst of all this is that I am in love here, so I really want to find a way to sort this out, I just cant for the life of me figure out how. It's so upsetting, I wish he'd just fukin back off about the blowjobs!!!!!

LegacyUser

tobiesheba wrote: »

And I'm not sure from your post but have you said to him at times other than when he's after asking you for a BJ that you don't like being pressured into it?

Unfortunately yes tobiesheba, I have said it to him in and out of the bedroom, and we've been discussing this for the guts of a year. I just dont know where to go from here...

Thanks everyone for your responses. It has done me some good to get this off my chest. I feel a lot less upset now than I did earlier this afternoon, so something good has come out of our more recent blowjob row at least...

cowzerp

Unregandsad wrote: »

He would be, but then it'd be uppermost in his mind and it'd be like that bastard was in the bed with us every time, and I'm not letting that happen. I know you said you feel he deserves to know and I can get where you’re coming from there, but I feel I deserve nobody to know if that is what I choose and this is the only single instance where I feel my rights trump his in this relationship.

Its up to you love, but believe me, if you go to satisfy him he will only think of that at that time, men are strange like that!!

i think if you tell him it will sort your problem out, and if he's still insistent then you know there is something wrong..

pookie82

While I think that if you told him the truth it would (hopefully) get him to back off in this situation, I agree that you shouldn't have to tell him about your past if you don't want to. It's not like you're not facing up to it - you just don't want the guy who abused you to become an invisible third wheel in your sexual relationship and that's completely reasonable.

To be honest, you shouldn't NEED to tell him anything about the abuse. It's almost a non-issue here because the REAL problem is not your aversion to oral sex but to being PRESSURED. And any woman, if pressured enough, is not going to want or enjoy a sexual act.

You need to sit him down in no uncertain terms and tell him that this is no longer on. The constant badgering for oral sex and the sulks when it doesn't happen, resulting in you feeling guilty and upset, is a form of abuse in itself in my book. His need for oral sounds a bit excessive - we all know guys love a blowjob but nagging you every single day for one is OTT in my opinion. I know you've tried telling him already and he seems to ignore this but you need to be firm. Tell him your entire relationship is on the line if he doesn't back off. In a way this isn't overly dramatic - I can't see you being able to stay with someone who is so forceful in this regard. He needs to learn that he's not ten anymore and that nagging for something until he gets it is not going to work in this case.

If it persists and continues to drive you crazy (it'd drive any girl crazy, I think, let alone one who has been through what you have) then your only option, if you're serious about not putting up with this, is to try a break of some sort ( as in break up). Anything that will jolt him back to reality. He must realise that hanging on to you is more important than receiving head on a daily basis. If you're not more important to him than that.... well you know where you stand. You obviously need to take drastic measures at this stage to wake him up.

BubbleWrap85

Stop all blowjobs until he cops the hell on to himself. He needs to see that his nagging is driving you away [in that regard]. Feckin hell if you started nagging him about something he'd soon get a taste of his own medicine!

Marksie

Unregandsad wrote: »

Unfortunately yes tobiesheba, I have said it to him in and out of the bedroom, and we've been discussing this for the guts of a year. I just dont know where to go from here...

You see this is now the issue..he just isnt listening. i take it communication is good elsewhere?

So why is he obsessing about this one act?
You have said yourself you are more than happy to give him as many ejaculatory orgasms as he wants, more than happy to give him oral of he backs off ....

You may have to turn this and not ask why do you not do it, but why is he always going on about it... reflect it back.

Its just one technique there are several i can think of which are more mindblowing than that.. I actually believe this is his issue not yours.

Regardless of your past...i think any woman would get fed up with continued harrassment.

LegacyUser

BubbleWrap85 wrote: »

Stop all blowjobs until he cops the hell on to himself.

I have BubbleWrap, we're in blowjob desert at the moment!!! LOL Ah sure, when things get this ridiculous what can you do but laugh?!...

cowzerp

Marksie wrote: »

So why is he obsessing about this one act?.

Because he's been rejected and its a viscious circle!

Marksie wrote: »

Regardless of your past...i think any woman would get fed up with continued harrassment

What do you propose she do then?
an alternative to telling him, she loves him and wants to stop this viscious circle, are you suggesting she dump him rather than tell him, if told he will stop, if he does not then he's an arrse and deserves dumping.

BubbleWrap85

I agree in thinking that if he's obsessing over it so much and you've sat him down and told him you don't want to be pressured into it, then maybe he does have a problem. Maybe he was an underlying problem that he may be more willing to express if he heard about your experience? Alternatively, reflect it back on him as Marksie said. Why do HE need it EVERY day? That's a lot to ask to be honest & no woman would put up with that!

Marksie

cowzerp wrote: »

Because he's been rejected and its a viscious circle!

Total rubbish. Tyopical male, "me cant get what i want" sulk.

cowzerp wrote: »

What do you propose she do then?
an alternative to telling him, she loves him and wants to stop this viscious circle, are you suggesting she dump him rather than tell him, if told he will stop, if he does not then he's an arrse and deserves dumping.

Your saying that not me..come off it.

The OP has been trying he aint been listening.

let him whine on as much as he wants to.

cowzerp

Marksie wrote: »

Total rubbish. Tyopical male, "me cant get what i want" sulk. .

He is a male, confused 1 at that.

Marksie wrote: »

The OP ahs been trying he aint been lsitening.

let him whine on as much as he wants to.

So where have you helped?
nowhere, your idea changes nothing.

LegacyUser

cowzerp, you'd be forgiven for missing this line in the original post since it was so extraordinarily long, so in case you missed it I'll just repost it here for you:

"Feeling pressured into a situation where I have to talk about the assault (by way of explaining my reactions) feels just as invasive as being pressured to suck his manhood whenever the mood takes him."

I am not going to tell him and I feel I have every right not to. Also, I don’t understand what he's got to be "confused" about. I don’t like being constantly pressurised for blowjobs – it's really very simple and not confusing at all.

Oryx

He may be listening to you, it sounds like in other areas you communicate well, but when hes horny and wants his bj fix its clear the message has not sunk in.:)

I get the impression that your attitudes to oral sex come from opposite sides, when it comes to turn on and arousal. Its clear to me that when you are not in control of the bj its not a turn on, perhaps his mindset is the opposite, and when he does the equivalent of 'go down on me beeatch' its a big turn on for him. Which is why he is persisting, because that is part of the thrill of a bj for him? In the same way as being asked puts you off, maybe not asking makes it not work as well for him.

Its just something to think on, when you talk to him again.

cowzerp

Unregandsad wrote: »

cowzerp, you'd be forgiven for missing this line in the original post since it was so extraordinarily long, so in case you missed it I'll just repost it here for you:

"Feeling pressured into a situation where I have to talk about the assault (by way of explaining my reactions) feels just as invasive as being pressured to suck his manhood whenever the mood takes him."

I am not going to tell him and I feel I have every right not to. Also, I don’t understand what he's got to be "confused" about. I don’t like being constantly pressurised for blowjobs – it's really very simple and not confusing at all.

Thats your perogative and fair enough, but what are you asking on here the if your just going to continue as normal, nothing will change-it will just eat you's up.. hope it works out for you.

pookie82

cowzerp wrote: »

Thats your perogative and fair enough, but what are you asking on here the if your just going to continue as normal, nothing will change-it will just eat you's up.. hope it works out for you.

She's asking for advice on what to do next WITHOUT telling him about past abuse. Like I said, if you feel strongly enough about this OP I think he needs to realise he's not a spoilt child who'll get what he wants if he nags enough and you'll show him the door if this continues. He can't be allowed to underestimate the seriousness of his constant badgering.

LegacyUser

cowzerp wrote: »

Thats your perogative and fair enough, but what are you asking on here the if your just going to continue as normal, nothing will change-it will just eat you's up.. hope it works out for you.

Thanks for all your posts cowzerp. No, I certainly dont want to continue on as we are, I was hoping someone might be able to see a third option which I could not see, that is, other than continuing on as we are or telling him about the assault. I think I need to discuss this with him again in a very serious manner, as Pookie has advised.

Maybe I'll tell him at some future time and maybe I wont, but that is the thing about sexual abuse, when you've been stripped of your power you dont let go of it lightly, and I experience being put in a position of being forced to discuss the abuse as abusive in itself.

cowzerp

pookie82 wrote: »

She's asking for advice on what to do next WITHOUT telling him about past abuse. Like I said, if you feel strongly enough about this OP I think he needs to realise he's not a spoilt child who'll get what he wants if he nags enough and you'll show him the door if this continues. He can't be allowed to underestimate the seriousness of his constant badgering.

Thats the 1st advice bar mine given, all the rest is just saying he is out of order..as i said before, dump him or tell him..or just tel him he's not getting it anymore, thats it, out of options.

Oryx

I understand that telling him is completely off the table OP (If you do I suppose you become on some level that same victim in his eyes. And its far from a victim you sound) I dont see any reason why you should tell him in dealing with this. And I dont think this is a relationship breaker, its a difference of attitudes which can be dealt with as you have a good basis to work from.
If it is a case of him simply not getting or understanding your message, then like a puppy, he needs training.:) Training takes repetition, and if you can do it with a touch of humour, and laying aside resentment, so much the better. Dont hate him for his attitude for a start, treat it as learned bad behaviour. Tell him, with a grin, that if he asks, he is not getting any. And when he asks, do anything and everything but that. The important thing is to stay upbeat about it, which will be hard if he sulks, but try to let that wash over you and not bring you down too. Youre trying to break a cycle of resentment on both sides here, which means you need to work hard not to feel that way while sticking to your guns. When he doesnt ask... reward him well.:) It may take time to readjust, but bear with it. And along the way, use all of this as an opportunity to talk to him about bjs and why they are so all important to him.

spinandscribble

nothings less attractive then a fella acting like a child in bed. the fact you were assaulted has only made things worse. good for you not letting the bastard affect you but if it comes to it be prepared to tell your bf.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,i am also a victim of sexual abuse from my father and i am in a long term relationship(13 yrs) with my boyfriend which is very healthy open and successful. I had to over come a lot of issues i had with sex over the years and i have done a lot of therepy which i feel is very important to do if you have been abused.

Unfortunetly 'the move on' attitude doesnt work,it just represses the issue further-i tried it for a few years but it always came back to haunt me.....

for what its worth i think you are subconsciously creating this situation with the 'Blowjobs' with your boyfriend yourself because you have not fully dealt with this awful traumatic experience. It seems to me that when you are in control of giving blowjobs you are fine but when he suggests it you -you go back to that place with your abuser where you are not in control.Completly understandbly if this is the case.

I feel that a couple should have no secrets,i feel that a relationship should be built on openess and honesty and i dont think you are being honest with him.your baggage and his baggage now forms the basis of your relationship and you both need to find a balance with the two lives,even though you have experienced something awful in your past you do need to include him in this part of your life because it is causing a lot of confusion,and i feel that you are repressing the issue further and just want to forget about it which is not dealing with it-

sorry to say that if it is difficult,i dont know what your boyfriend is really like but you have said that you have a good relationship outside of sex so i think you need to build up a better relationship with communication-i have just finished a year of therapy with my boyfriend also and it was so great we have learned to really accept and support each other-it is vital you get some support with this issue and your partner needs to be included in that with you.

Imagine it was the other way around and he was abused and wouldnt tell you-if you found out wouldnt you want to smother him with love and be there for him-i think you deserve that too.

Being open and honest is the way to go-good luck xx

LegacyUser

Oryx wrote: »

I understand that telling him is completely off the table OP (If you do I suppose you become on some level that same victim in his eyes. And its far from a victim you sound) I dont see any reason why you should tell him in dealing with this. And I dont think this is a relationship breaker, its a difference of attitudes which can be dealt with as you have a good basis to work from.
If it is a case of him simply not getting or understanding your message, then like a puppy, he needs training.:) Training takes repetition, and if you can do it with a touch of humour, and laying aside resentment, so much the better. Dont hate him for his attitude for a start, treat it as learned bad behaviour. Tell him, with a grin, that if he asks, he is not getting any. And when he asks, do anything and everything but that. The important thing is to stay upbeat about it, which will be hard if he sulks, but try to let that wash over you and not bring you down too. Youre trying to break a cycle of resentment on both sides here, which means you need to work hard not to feel that way while sticking to your guns. When he doesnt ask... reward him well.:) It may take time to readjust, but bear with it. And along the way, use all of this as an opportunity to talk to him about bjs and why they are so all important to him.

Thanks so much Oryx, that was such a helpful post. Yes, I will definitely try that approach.

I have to say I got a laugh out of your last post, the bit about the 'go down on me beeatch' attitude - I was thinking, if that's his buzz then we're in REAL trouble! LOL!

SarahSassy

spinandscribble wrote: »

nothings less attractive then a fella acting like a child in bed.

This is so true.. Its bad enough that he is nagging you but his neediness and begging would put me right off him.

Turbulent Bill

Oryx wrote: »

If it is a case of him simply not getting or understanding your message, then like a puppy, he needs training.:) Training takes repetition, and if you can do it with a touch of humour, and laying aside resentment, so much the better. Dont hate him for his attitude for a start, treat it as learned bad behaviour. Tell him, with a grin, that if he asks, he is not getting any. And when he asks, do anything and everything but that. The important thing is to stay upbeat about it, which will be hard if he sulks, but try to let that wash over you and not bring you down too. Youre trying to break a cycle of resentment on both sides here, which means you need to work hard not to feel that way while sticking to your guns. When he doesnt ask... reward him well.:) It may take time to readjust, but bear with it. And along the way, use all of this as an opportunity to talk to him about bjs and why they are so all important to him.

He's not a puppy, and treating him one doesn't seem like a great idea, though I agree that him throwing the toys out of the pram over this is out of order. If anything, he could resent it in the future if he feels he was manipulated. For him to act as a responsible adult, I think he should be treated as one, even if his behaviour to date doesn't warrant it.

OP, I think the earlier suggestion of talking to him at neutral times, very firmly but calmly, is the way to go, even if it hasn't worked to date. My guess is that he's utterly confused, and that at some stage he'll want to know exactly why you hate his insistence. I understand that you can't tell him now, but it might be inevitable further down the line if you want to keep him and saying 'no' doesn't work.

Good luck for the future.

pookie82

Oryx wrote: »

I understand that telling him is completely off the table OP (If you do I suppose you become on some level that same victim in his eyes. And its far from a victim you sound) I dont see any reason why you should tell him in dealing with this. And I dont think this is a relationship breaker, its a difference of attitudes which can be dealt with as you have a good basis to work from.
If it is a case of him simply not getting or understanding your message, then like a puppy, he needs training.:) Training takes repetition, and if you can do it with a touch of humour, and laying aside resentment, so much the better. Dont hate him for his attitude for a start, treat it as learned bad behaviour. Tell him, with a grin, that if he asks, he is not getting any. And when he asks, do anything and everything but that. The important thing is to stay upbeat about it, which will be hard if he sulks, but try to let that wash over you and not bring you down too. Youre trying to break a cycle of resentment on both sides here, which means you need to work hard not to feel that way while sticking to your guns. When he doesnt ask... reward him well.:) It may take time to readjust, but bear with it. And along the way, use all of this as an opportunity to talk to him about bjs and why they are so all important to him.

This makes the guy sound like a dog and IMO is not the way to go. I'm very adverse to treating men like "dogs" that need to be "trained" (or women for that matter) as we're all capable of communicating on a rational level and shouldn't need to reduce one another to puppy-like status to get waht we want. it's incredibly patronising to assume that like any bold dog the Boyf needs training.....

Besides, it sounds to me like he hasn't gotten the message in the past after repeatedly being told that not insisting upon getting blowjobs will get him "rewards" etc and being shown it.... I just think this sounds like a ridiculous way to communicate needs between two adults. She needs to have a grown up and serious chat with him and forget about training and treats..... Jesus.

StormWarrior

OP, you should certainly not feel that you have to explain what happened to you. That makes it sound like you are the one with the problem, when it is your boyfriend with the problem. Sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like a total, absolute w****r. He clearly has absolutely no respect for you and no consideration for your feelings. You said yourself you feel less comfortable giving him oral than you did your previous boyfriends. Maybe deep down you know you should not be with him? Sorry to sound harsh, but I say dump the b****** and get yourself a man who actually cares about you and makes you feel comfortable. Perhaps the longer you put up with his bullying, the less respect he will have for you. Do you have self esteem issues, is that why you put up with it? I think you should have counselling. I am sure you can do better than this awful person.

LegacyUser

your bfs nagging is stupid and out of order and must be really annoying and a big turn off so i'm in no way defending it but what i would say is that, for me (and this may go for your bf too) a bj is the single greatest, most wondefully erotic sensation i have ever encountered....i've been around and got up to lots of varied shenanigans but for me there is nothing better in bed thats beats a good bj

...sorry if i'm coming across as a bit pervy and totally blowing the staus of bjs out of proportions but its the truth....if was in a loving committed relationship with a woman who for reasons unknown to me had some issue with oral sex, it probably wouldn't be a deal breaker but it would certainly be a very large compromise on my part for me to stay with her and forgo the greatest sexual sensation that i believe it is possible for me to experience.

i've never demanded it (in a serious way :P) and i say again i don't defend your bfs nagging but if he gets the same kick and sensation out of a bj that i do...then in a small way i can sympathise with him..

The Mighty Ken

OP - look, most of the advice that you're receiving here is absolutely terrible. I'm going to predict how this is probably going to pan out:

1. You don't tell your boyfriend about the abuse you suffered. Eventually he'll probably stop being so persistent looking for blow jobs due to your reactions. He'll be very confused by your behaviour as he doesn't understand where it stems from. You don't mind giving him oral sex now and again but if he asks for it then you freak out. As someone said earlier in the thread, he'll probably deduce that this is some kind of a control mechanism you're using and possibly feel rejected/that there's something wrong with him. Just about the time you start to feel that the relationship is back on track, it will be him that's resenting you and then he'll probably walk.

2. You tell your boyfriend where the problem stems from. If he's any sort of a man then I would imagine that he will be incredibly supportive of you and will probably suffer a good deal of guilt. He won't do anything in the bedroom that you're uncomfortable with and he'll respect your wishes, knowing why he has to respect them. Then hopefully you'll both live happily ever after.

The bottom line is that you're carrying this baggage into the relationship whether you like to admit it or not. I'd strongly advise you to discuss it with your partner otherwise I feel the relationship could ultimately be doomed. I know that's not what you wanted to hear but I think for the sake of the relationship it might be worth doing.

The Mighty Ken

Unregandsad wrote: »

Thanks so much Oryx, that was such a helpful post. Yes, I will definitely try that approach.

Do yourself a big favour and don't take that approach either. It's disgusting advice and Oryx should be ashamed of himself/herself. My prediction as to what would happen if you tried this:

1. Your boyfriend, having a little self respect, would see past the manipulative, bitchy behaviour and write you off as a controlling cow (or possibly a complete f**k up) and he'd ultimately dump you.

2. Your boyfriend, being an idiot and a doormat, will succumb to the manipulative behaviour and you'll live a long and happy life together... with an idiot and doormat who likes being manipulated and 'trained' like a puppy.

Neither of these are great outcomes. Deal with it like an adult.

Wibbs

I have to agree with pookie82 and The Mighty Ken. The old "training" lark will just cause more problems and is frankly daft anyway. Certainly it's doable, but it makes you out to be far more controlling than the him looking for a BJ. Chances are sooner or later he will walk. Basically the second he sniffs the control. Is he being childish over this? Yes, but fighting fire with fire is not the way to go.

It's also possible that he is wondering even in the back of his mind why this particular act is off the menu, or why you are ok sometimes with it and not others hence his focus on it.

mayordenis

I know this will probably sound like a stupid thing to say and I really don't want to make it seem like a "nothing" issue because I know it isn't,
But have you considered saying that "something" happened sexually when you were younger and it's always going to make you unable to tolerate this type of badgering - what I mean is be vague don't talk about the incident but let it be known maybe that there was something that in no way effects you sexually but does effect your tolerance of that attitude.

Oryx

Hi op. Had a feeling my post on training might provoke opinion, but to me some saying you shouldnt even be with the guy is far stronger comment. This issue is not a dealbreaker to me and I meant my post to be read in a lighthearted way, which i hope is how you did read it. And whats been forgotten is that at the moment you are being badgered, which is control of you. In an ideal world yes, you would tell him all, but you have said you cant. Tho the advice by mayordenis above might be something to consider.