I feel like breaking up with my gf

LegacyUser

Hi,

Not sure how to start this, I guess I'll give you a bit of background.

I met my gf 3 years ago in my first year in college. I was instantly attracted to her like no other girl before and found it my mission to pursue her and get her. Unfortunetley she had a bf so it was rather difficult! While she was on a breaks with her bf we kissed and it was electric but for whatever reason she kept going back to him. The summer between 1st and 2nd year we barely talked and as it got closer to going back to college I was stuck for a place to live and I knew she had a room. I asked her if I could live there (under the fake premise that we were just friends!) and she agreed. Eventually she broke up with her bf and we started seeing each other and eventually sealed the deal that we were going out after a few months.

Since then and now (a year and a half period) things have been generally amazing. However the last 6 months have been very different, the honeymoon period is definitely over and when we were in college almost every night out she would get increadibly drunk and flip the lid over nothing and be absolutely horrible. The next day she would be absolutely ashamed and whole heartedly apologise but it was seriously tough going!

Now (currently both 21 yrs old) we are living together again over the summer. My feelings are constantly changing, I definitely still love her to bits but I just dont feel like having a girlfriend! I want to have my own time and be able to do what I like. I also feel that she's not as happy and fun as she used to be. I can't stand when she gets mopey and needy. She used to be so much more independent and enthusiastic about life! I love her energy but that seems to have drained and I dont see it as much. Like she once said I was her life, like what the hell! She is so much more going for her than me! I'm not really bothered about other girls but it'd be nice to be able to flirt and just let loose again, paticularly going into my final year of college. Once I get back to college I just want to focus on me such as studying, sport and having fun. I also don't fancy dealing with arguments and her constant worries about her insecurites.

However I think breaking up with her would be crazy cause I still love her to bits and most of the time I cant wait to come home to see her. I care for her so much, I want her to be the happiest girl in the world. I just cant seem to do it! Also being in the same college a break up would be sriously tough. Its a small college in a small town so I'd see her all the time. Also if I saw her with other lads I'd be heartbroken. I could handle it if I couldn't see it and she was away and I could get on with my own life but I feel if she was still around I wouldnt be able to that which is the while point of thinging of breaking.

Anyway I've typed alot but still don't feel i've conveyed how I feel or how amazing this girl is. She is increadibly beautiful, sexy, fun, inteligent and passionate. I think it could be a case of if I broke up with her I'd soon realise how reckless it would be and what a mistake I'd have made yet I can't help but think we are both holding each other back and are not as happy as we could and should be. My current thoughts on it or to stick it out and reasses the situation a few weeks into college and see how things are going. i just dont want to finish college and feel like I've wasted it on this relationship.

I'd like some of your thoughts on it. I'd be very gratefull. Thanks.

pookie82

I dunno - you've kind of set out your own options here yourself!! It seems you're well aware of your choices.

One thing I will say is this - once the honeymoon period dies it's easy to begin concentrating on a person's faults rather than on their good points. If this girl has drastically changed there must be a reason and you should talk to her and find out what those are. It may just be the case that her energetic front was just that and when you got to know her it was a different story underneath. Maybe she doesn't have the energy to keep up a pretense in front of you all the time, or maybe she genuinely has changed.

I think you sound as if you'd regret it big time if you left her. Your complaints are that you'd like to be free and she's gotten a bit moany - but you know you'd be devestated to see her with someone else and you'd miss her a lot. If you still look forward to coming home to her then you should probably try to sort this out by talking to her before you do anything. Just tell her you're feeling unsure but don't want to actually leave her - she may tell you that she feels the same or will open up to you and agree to work on it.

It sounds like too good a thing to just give up on, but that's just me. Leaving someone you love for the sake of a bit of college freedom may come back to bite you in the a*s. On the other hand, if you don't think you'll be able to stay faithful and will be attracted to other girls, then do the right thing and break it off.

dlofnep

Sounds like if you dumped her, you'd regret it. Why not prove this love you consistently have been telling us about and help her through whatever insecurities she has, instead of using it as an excuse to bolt it for the door. You're more than happy to have your own freedom and flirt, but it seems any of it from her side - you'd lose the plot.

You can't have it both ways. Either accept her for what she is, and be supportive. Or going through one of the most awkward periods of your life - and that's seeing a beautiful girl that you're in love with, walk down the street with someone else.

coco85

Why do fellas of your age in particular feel the need to go have fun in college when they are in a perfectly loving relationship just because the initial shine has worn off???

This has happened so many of my friends in the past and there is one friend in particular going through it at the moment.

If you love the girl you are with so much then why would you want to break up with her just because reality has suddenly hit you and you want to go spread your oats for the last year of college?

Maybe you just need to talk to her and tell her how wonderful she is and that there is no need for her to be so down and that she has so much going on for her..

Girls of her age can rely on boyfriends far too much and maybe she just needs to realise that she needs to get back to her independant self...i'm sure you will find her much more attractive then...

If you break up with her:

One thing you should not do is mess her around- if you break up with her do not even think of telling her that ye might get back together in the future (after you having a good time sowing your oats and while she has been sitting waiting for you)...

The second thing you should not do is sleep with her after ye have broken up - this will confuse things even more...

If you decide to stay together then the best of luck..

Funny there are a few things in your post that make you sound exactly like my friend's (who is currently going through this) boyfriend.....hmmmmmm I wont say anymore...:)

COH

The grass isn't always greener mate, give the relationship a shot you obviously like her, make an effort to introduce a certain element of independence into both your lives. Nothing to say you cant go out and have a great time with your mates, do the college thing etc. and still go out with her. Encourage her to do the same.

It happens to many couples, myself included, that you enter a period of dependence on your other half for socialising but with a calm conversation it can be remedied. Your both young, you may be looking around you and assessing the appeal of 'freedom', but ultimately will you not aspire to meet and be with someone you love anyway?

LegacyUser

Thanks guys.

To be honest I think just typing that down helped! Feel alot better now about everything! I think moving in together wasn't the best idea just becasue it was a great success last time.

dlofnep actually Ive always pushed for both of us to have our own seperate lives and freedom! Think its healthy.

I think it may have to do with a dissapointing summer as well. I've been working a boring office job and I've had no mad holidays like previous summers, haven't seen my mates for awhile as they all have no money or jobs and are living far away.

I was never going to break up with her I just needed to get that off my chest cause it was playing on my mind.

pookie82

joe_01 wrote: »

Thanks guys.

To be honest I think just typing that down helped! Feel alot better now about everything! I think moving in together wasn't the best idea just becasue it was a great success last time.

dlofnep actually Ive always pushed for both of us to have our own seperate lives and freedom! Think its healthy.

I think it may have to do with a dissapointing summer as well. I've been working a boring office job and I've had no mad holidays like previous summers, haven't seen my mates for awhile as they all have no money or jobs and are living far away.

I was never going to break up with her I just needed to get that off my chest cause it was playing on my mind.

To be honest I think there's something about this summer that's getting to a lot of people!!!!! I'm not trying to be trite, but the majority of people I know are enduring their first summer without a holiday (recession scares maybe??) for whatever reason and the weather is not helping!!

Maybe it was too soon to move in together but you only ever see the real side of someone when you do. It's all good and well meeting up on evenings/wknds but when you live with someone 24/7 and see all of their moods and swings it can be daunting. Sounds like you may have moved a little too fast but that's no reason to give up on it all. You sound like you love her a lot and should work on this.

Glad you've decided to hang in there!!!

estar

it sounds to me like you are over thinking the whole thing.

you enjoy her company day to day.

so she sometimes is needy. big deal. so is every other woman in the world. whatever they may first appear as. that is what they want - a man to back them up when they are down.

if you cant deal with her when she is vulnerable, then you wont deal well with the next girl

you are young. and it seems like you want to learn the hard way. there are no perfect women and relationships.

but please stop over analysing your life, and instead just enjoy it while it seems to be running smoothly