The confusion of the ex

ibFoxer

I have read a lot of posts here and i thought i might throw a recent happening out there, get a gauge of what people think....

Apologies if its long winded, i will keep it as short as possible.

Basically, long story short, roughly a year & a half ago started a relationship with a girl, everything was great, families got on well etc. She returned to college late last year and still things went smoothly, up until maybe mid to late February when the exams began to roll around, where i noticed less frequency in talkin etc. I put this down to college pressure and took the foot off the gas a bit as i felt it was the right thing to do. Anyway, after exam time a holiday was booked, things returned to semi normal, everything was ok for a while until one of my friends commented on the lack of her around. After thinking on it i realised that more and more frequently i was being blown off for other things, nights out with the girls, nights in with the family etc. It was around this time that we stopped sleeping together, although we still shared a bed. I guess that happened as a result of being plain old knackered, although it wasnt for the want of trying on my part. Didnt really think much of it, thought we would work it out over time, until maybe 3 months ago when she told me that she was feeling too settled, wanted to live life, go out more etc. Bit shocked but i agreed and we started dating again.

Anyway, i noticed that she was becoming more distant with me, and when questioned she said that she was struggling with the intimacy and that it had started when we stopped having sex, and had continued until she no longer felt comfortable kissing or any of that stuff behind closed doors, although she did in public. Now she offered no explanation except for "thats just the way i feel, i cant help it" and although i did try to be patient and work on it, sadly it seems it was too far gone. So basically, to cut to the chase,3 weeks ago we decided to split up, she went on the holiday, i stayed at home, and we met today for the first time since to return stuff to each other, which was brutal by all standards.

Now, having relayed this story to some of my close friends, they are all in agreeance that something happened, maybe someone? As my ex is a very guilty person i would have assumed that had that happened it would have come out, although it does offer an explanation. However im eager to see what you guys think?

Thanks for taking the time to read.

LegacyUser

It could be a case of her just wanting to enjoy single life again. Her foot seemed to be out the door a long time ago from what you've said and the writing seemed to be on the wall. She gradually became more distant and eventually was honest with you. Maybe she was cheating but to me it sounds like she just got tired of being in a relationship and wanted to be single again, which happens alot.

Either way, she's moved on, difficult as that is for you. You need to move on too. Start spending time with your mates again, go out, go on holidays yourself etc.

Chin up and best of luck!

Miss Fluff

Don't torture yourself with conjecture. The fact of the matter is that the relationship went off the boil and just didn't work out. Granted there could be a possibility that she met someone else or it could simply be as straightforward as what her behaviour would demonstrate, she felt tied down and wanted to be footloose and fancy-free again. Don't beat yourself up about it, at least she was honest with you about her feelings (in a hurtful way admittedly) so time to move onwards and upwards methinks.

ibFoxer

Cheers for your thoughts, im actually pretty okay with how it eneded up, not bitter, dont hate her,just confused. But i have already begun the moving on process and so far so good!!!

@ happyout- good luck right back at ya bud

@ Miss Fluff- Thanks for your words, i learned a long time ago conjecture gets you diddly squat. I intend to go nuts for the next while, i reckon thats onwards & upwards!!!

IanCurtis

Women don't like to be on their own and will endure some awful relationships so as not to be on their own (aka Dudess)

Let them ride it out.

To be a "Spinster" is a social no-no in a female world.

1 in 3 ends in Divorce......2 in 3 in this "keeping up with the Jones' environment"

ibFoxer

IanCurtis wrote: »

Women don't like to be on their own and will endure some awful relationships so as not to be on their own (aka Dudess)

Let them ride it out.

To be a "Spinster" is a social no-no in a female world.

1 in 3 ends in Divorce......2 in 3 in this "keeping up with the Jones' environment"

That..... is heavy man!!!

IanCurtis

These are the facts.

Overpriced engagement ring means more to your average dull-eye girl than a cultured witty smart man.

You take your choice and live and die by your decisions.

Keeping up with the Jones' has never seemed so unattractive.

PS: If you still think it's a good road to travel, check out the parental board. The most mundane, monotonous, tedious human beings alive today.

thebiggestjim

I agree that something (possibly someone) happened, if thats your first inclination then there is a good chance its correct.

LegacyUser

You mentioned she was in college... I think that she just doesnt want to be tied down too young. Even if there was somebody else involved, that did not cause this. It would only be a symptom of a different problem ye/she was having. I really think she just wants her freedom. Perhaps this isnt what you would want, but maybe if she has a bit of time to think, she will change her mind. If she loves you, she may decide that you are worth sacrificing her freedom for. Things cannot always be planned to perfection!

BTW Iancurtis I really think that you have a bit of a twisted view on others lives. Many women want to be single, men aren't that fantastic-most of the time.
Your comment on family life was particularly demening and if a lot of parents read it they would be hurt badly. Maybe you think you are too good for the life that most seem to choose... but at the end of the day they will have raised children and have somebody at their bedside when they are dying. There is a good reason why a lot of people live their life like this.

Living a life less ordinary has never seemed so unattractive.

Beetlebum

IanCurtis wrote: »

Women don't like to be on their own and will endure some awful relationships so as not to be on their own (aka Dudess)

Let them ride it out.

To be a "Spinster" is a social no-no in a female world.

1 in 3 ends in Divorce......2 in 3 in this "keeping up with the Jones' environment"

Oohhh...someone has a crush on Dudess!! What else could explain your petty picking on her the whole time. Grow up kiddo. Seriously.

Beruthiel

IanCurtis wrote: »

Women don't like to be on their own and will endure some awful relationships so as not to be on their own (aka Dudess)

Cop on and go post your crap elsewhere.
B

meditraitor

foxerv1 wrote: »

Now, having relayed this story to some of my close friends, they are all in agreeance that something happened, maybe someone? As my ex is a very guilty person i would have assumed that had that happened it would have come out, although it does offer an explanation. However im eager to see what you guys think?

Seems like a perfectly good assumtion.... from your telling of it I get the feeling she was up to somethang...

Sorry to hear you problem mate but just get out there and back on the horse

MJOR

Forget her... Intimacy is so important ( i don't just mean sex) talking and communicating with your partner and all that.

Move on and leave her to her crypic mind¬!

Wibbs

Basically she lost the gra for you. When that happened she became distant and the sex stopped. Obvious sign. At that point long before it came to a head in your mind she was looking elsewhere. Not necessarily actively or actually going for someone else, but unlike when it was going well the option of something happening with someone else came into her mind.

IMHO and in my experience men(inc myself) often ignore the early signs and then wonder how this happened "out of the blue". In every relationship I've had that has gone south, if I look back with a clear head, I can tell in every case where that switch in her head was flicked. And in some cases I reckon I could have fixed it too, but for whatever reason didn't. I'd say in the months to come when you're past this and with distance, you'll be able to spot when this happened too.

On rare occasions I've spotted it at the time and asked why and again IMHO, women often can't express it as a "logical" reason. They say things like your ex; "I don't know", "I look at you differently" "the sparks gone" etc. I've seen this with me women friends about to dump someone. My male friends tend to be able to label more reasons, though it comes from exactly the same source. Neither gender can see a future with the person in question.

So here you are now. It's over and you should forget about whether she was or wasn't with someone. The fact is she wasn't with you for the latter bit of this relationship. You've years ahead of you of relationships, friendships and even casual shagettes so enjoy your time.

Beetlebum

Wibbs wrote: »

Basically she lost the gra for you. When that happened she became distant and the sex stopped. Obvious sign. At that point long before it came to a head in your mind she was looking elsewhere. Not necessarily actively or actually going for someone else, but unlike when it was going well the option of something happening with someone else came into her mind.

IMHO and in my experience men(inc myself) often ignore the early signs and then wonder how this happened "out of the blue". In every relationship I've had that has gone south, if I look back with a clear head, I can tell in every case where that switch in her head was flicked. And in some cases I reckon I could have fixed it too, but for whatever reason didn't. I'd say in the months to come when you're past this and with distance, you'll be able to spot when this happened too.

On rare occasions I've spotted it at the time and asked why and again IMHO, women often can't express it as a "logical" reason. They say things like your ex; "I don't know", "I look at you differently" "the sparks gone" etc. I've seen this with me women friends about to dump someone. My male friends tend to be able to label more reasons, though it comes from exactly the same source. Neither gender can see a future with the person in question.

So here you are now. It's over and you should forget about whether she was or wasn't with someone. The fact is she wasn't with you for the latter bit of this relationship. You've years ahead of you of relationships, friendships and even casual shagettes so enjoy your time.

Shagette - what a cool word:)