New Poem. C and C encouraged

imasmeasmecanbe

Heres to half truths and whole lies,
To cans,mixers and drunken slandour.
Heres to the tone deaf and colour blind,
and long nights with livers locked.

Heres to the star and the moons,
Fondling, Felating and far of fun.
Heres to the times we all forgot
and memories unmissed.

To heartaches, tooth aches and
hangovers hung over hair of the dog.
To whiskey drenched ciggarettes
and long walks in the rain.

Heres to the nights we never knew
that beat the sun hands down
when dreams were hard to come by
and impossible to rhyme.

Heres to the night and hoping.

Esel

imasmeasmecanbe wrote: »

Here's to half-truths and whole lies,
To cans, mixers and drunken slander.
Heres to the tone-deaf and colour-blind,
and long nights with livers locked.

Here's to the stars and the moon,
Fondling, fellating and far-off fun.
Here's to the times we all forgot
and memories unmissed.

To heartaches, toothaches and
hangovers hungover hair of the dog.
To whiskey-drenched cigarettes
and long walks in the rain.

Here's to the nights we never knew
that beat the sun hands down
when dreams were hard to come by
and impossible to rhyme.

Heres to the night and hoping.

Fixed a few errors there. Can't say it does a lot for me, tbh, although it does have a Shane McGowan vibe to it.

imasmeasmecanbe

haha well at least ye took the time ta read it, spose it aint everyones cuppa cha. i knew i wudnt get away without making a few spelling/grammar errors its been a very long time since ive slept

elshambo

were u watchin telly before u wrote, it has the same pacing/structure as some diet coke/cider add that was floating about recently

TiM_rEAPeR

Somewhat reminiscent of the intro to 'Trainspotting' and 'Common people', I don't why, not on content but its just the litany of information and finalisation within the last verse. But don't mind me, its just my unconscious connection.

sitout

spectacularly unspectacular ! sorry.

Thumpette

I really like it- got a strong sence of atmostphere

down_escalator

I really like this, I think its really concrete. I especially like it compared to some of the far-out poems floating around cyberspace at the minute that no teenager could ever relate to. In my mind it's all about a time in your life when there was no hope and you only lived for the next night to wash away the lack of meaning and "dreams". Really decent stuff... fair play!

dublinario

I think it's excellent. Best piece I've read up here in ages.

Matt Holck

it's a list poem

I'm not sure if the items are related

elleA

imasmeasmecanbe wrote: »

Here's to half truths and whole lies,
To cans,mixers and drunken slandour. slander
Here's to the tone-deaf and colour-blind,
and long nights with livers locked.

Here's to the star and the moons,
Fondling, Felating fellating and far off fun.
Here's to the times we all forgot
and memories unmissed.

To heartaches, toothaches and
hangovers hung over hair of the dog.
To whiskey-drenched ciggarettes
and long walks in the rain.

Here's to the nights we never knew
that beat the sun hands down
when dreams were hard to come by
and impossible to rhyme.

Here's to the night and hoping.

I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It flows well when you read it out loud but when you study it, it's hard to follow content-wise.

For example this line "the long nights with livers locked." sounds good to read out loud. The alliteration is nice but on the second read, it seems odd. "Locked" is a Dublin slang word for drunk, was that the meaning you were going for? Dublin slang seems out of place in a poem like this.

However , your use of alliteration through-out the poem is excellent. With a little tweaking I think this poem could be very striking, long after the first read.