In Love With Boyfriends Best friend

somethingwitty · 23-07-2008 2:00pm #1

Help! Im 20 and have been going out with my boyfriend, Hugh, for 4 years. I really do love him but I have some very strong feelings for his best friend James. We all get along great. He has a girlfriend too and I get along fine with her.
Sometimes I feel like I ended up with the wrong one.
James and I used to spend a lot of time together and got along so well. We really connected and I fancied him a lot too. I know he loved me too but I dont think he was interested in THAT way. However, I went to live in Australia for half a year with my boyfriend and so my feeling for James died down a bit. Now that I have been back in Ireland for the last month, I am seeing James a lot now and things are starting to get complicated again.
My boyfriend knows that I really like him. I told him because it was just eating me up inside. Its not quite love but its not far off. What can I do? If anything? We just get on so well and I know nothing can come of it, but its hard being around him. He is one of my best friends so I cant just cut him off. At the weekend it ended up being me and him getting a bus home together for a few hours and I havent been able to stop thinking about hime since. Its last year all over again.

togster · 23-07-2008 2:02pm

Break up with your boyfriend. Stop seeing James and move on.

You and everyone else are in for alot of crap if you go down this road.

It's very simple really.

RedXIV · 23-07-2008 2:09pm

togster wrote: »

Break up with your boyfriend. Stop seeing James and move on.

You and everyone else are in for alot of crap if you go down this road.

It's very simple really.

Unfortunately, my advice is similar enough. If you feel like you really are attracted to James, then you can't possibly be in the right frame of mind to be a good partner to Hugh. The fact that he's always on your mind is not a good one.

If you can't rekindle the spark that attracted you to Hugh, then leave him be, let him find someone that really loves him.

Cokehead Mother · 23-07-2008 2:11pm

You've been going out with Hugh since you were 16. It's time to burn that bridge and move on to bigger and brighter things like James.

What's his relationship with his girlfriend like?

MDFM · 23-07-2008 2:12pm

Have you any idea how James might feel about you? He has a gf after all, he may not see you as anything other than a friend, if so is the case, forget about him. if you still feel the same about him then you should also finish with your current bf, stop stringing him along when you have strong feelings for someone else.

Adam · 23-07-2008 2:15pm

It's a simple case of 'do what makes you happy and accept the shitstorm that's going to come with that' or walk away altogether. No amount of advice will change that.

Loomis · 23-07-2008 2:17pm

Break up with your boyfriend and move on. If you stay with him it'll ruin your relationship wondering what it would be like with the other guy. If you break up you've ruined that guy and since he's best friends with the guy you'd be getting with the situation would be impossible. More than likely you'd then realise what a tool you've been and want the boyfriend back and you'll end up with neither and two guys in tatters and their friendship destroyed.

eveie · 23-07-2008 2:23pm

your hormones are still going crazy, its very unlikely that your even close to being in love with this guy, i could be wrong though.
this is a situation that you have to aviod,

does this guy know you feel this way? and how do you think he'l react to it if you do tell him.

how would you feel if your bf told you he had very strong feelings for some other girl?

i know your only being honest with him which id the right thing to do, but id say hes going to find it difficult to trust you.
your extremly young to be in a 4 yr relationship and your probably realising that now,

its only natural that you feel lust towarss ppl but i very much doubt its worth ricking a relationship, friendship or anything else over.

if your having 2nd thoughts about your relationship then maybe take a break and sort out your head.

best of luck with things

seahorse · 23-07-2008 2:54pm

Cokehead Mother wrote: »

You've been going out with Hugh since you were 16. It's time to burn that bridge and move on to bigger and brighter things like James.

What's his relationship with his girlfriend like?

How is the OP supposed to answer that? Nobody knows what's between any couple except the two people involved in that partnership. Anyway, regardless what their relationship is like, they're in a relationship that the OP has no business trying to interfere with.

OP, I think you'd be better off moving on and forgetting about the pair of them. If you've got ideas about your partners best friend then you're obviously not in love with your partner; and the ideas you've got about this friend of his will get you nowhere, except hurt.

newname · 23-07-2008 3:16pm

My boyfriend knows that I really like him. I told him because it was just eating me up inside.

Sometimes i'm a little miffed by this "its best being honest" thing - i don't see what could be achieved by telling your boyfriend this, it certainly wasn't for his benefit - unless of course you want him to finish with you rather than you having to consider finishing with him. It could be a rather messy situation if you and James ended up together, James and Hugh's friendship would be a thing of the past for a start.
Its not right waisting Hugh's time if your not serious about him.
Good luck with it anyway - lots of people in similar situations.

Cokehead Mother · 23-07-2008 3:22pm

seahorse wrote: »

How is the OP supposed to answer that? Nobody knows what's between any couple except the two people involved in that partnership.

Well do they have kids? A shared mortgage? Anything that might make the decision to steal him a little questionable?

seahorse · 23-07-2008 3:42pm

Cokehead Mother wrote: »

Well do they have kids? A shared mortgage? Anything that might make the decision to steal him a little questionable?

I've been with my partner for six years. We don’t have kids together because we both have teenaged kids from prior relationships and neither of us wants any more. We don’t have a mortgage because we feel we're better off renting in the current climate. So what is your point exactly? Are you trying to say that makes both myself and my partner fair game for anyone who decides to disrespect our relationship? If so, you're wrong, because if it was a man I'd tell him to fcuk off and if it was a woman I know she'd be laughed at. As I said, you can’t judge the bond between two people, and you certainly can’t measure its stregnth or validity with children and mortgages.

spinandscribble · 23-07-2008 3:45pm

even the idea of stealing someones bf is questionable whether they're together years or months.
I think op you'd know if james shared your feelings. if i was you i'd break up with your bf and move on. you'll just leave a big mess behind you. even if you attempt to get james, chances are you'll be faced with a big fat 'no'.

MJOR · 23-07-2008 3:48pm

Right if you feel like this about another man you can't love your boyfriend so do him a favour and finish with him.

Re the other guy he is spoken for and really i think it'd be despicable to jepordise his relationship. Has he even given you any clear indictcation that he has any interest?

Be careful because a lot of people can get hurt and your ego bruised.

Cokehead Mother · 23-07-2008 3:55pm

spinandscribble wrote: »

even the idea of stealing someones bf is questionable whether they're together years or months.

Not questionable enough. Just do it, OP.

RossFixxxed · 23-07-2008 3:57pm

Not questionable enough. Just do it, OP.

Yeah and then you'll both know how trustworthy the other is. Not at all. Good stuff there.

And you BF will hate his best mate over it and everyone will lose ultimately. I've seen this so many times and it always ends in disaster.

Move on.

Ross

Cokehead Mother · 23-07-2008 4:00pm

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Yeah and then you'll both know how trustworthy the other is. Not at all. Good stuff there.

And you BF will hate his best mate over it and everyone will lose ultimately. I've seen this so many times and it always ends in disaster.

Move on.

Ross

Well boo hoo for the BF and his best mate.

OP, you need to put your pleasure above everybody else's and abandon your crazy guilt issues.

Or just shag James's little brother and continue your relationship with Hugh. Then whenever you look at James you won't think "I want you", you'll think "Your brother can drive it home like a fag on meth".

spinandscribble · 23-07-2008 4:02pm

if you really care about our bf and this james you'll not try and ripe them apart. on the funny side, james might never have fancied you in the slightest and you won't cause any harm to anyone even if you do throw yourself at him.

RossFixxxed · 23-07-2008 4:09pm

Ok cokehead mother what about the fact that they are both deceiving backstabbers who broke relationships up to get together. How long do you think that will last. These lust situations always end up a regret filled mess. AND if HE was doing something like that you'd be on about how he's so bad for putting himself first in the whole thing.

This from the same person who said:

This married guy. I knew he was married. Which I guess makes me a c-nt.

In my defence, as far as the law concerned, I was too young to consent

Hmmm.... That seems to contradict. If she is SURE it's absolutely true love then maybe it should be followed. BUT it requires thought and there's tact involved. The BF has done nothing wrong and it should be done well if it is to be done, but there's gonna be a LOT of trouble ahead and you'd want to be sure it can be weathered!

Ross

Cokehead Mother · 23-07-2008 4:13pm

omg that was ages ago. I've since learned my lesson about people with children and shared mortgages.

RossFixxxed · 23-07-2008 4:16pm

Ok look you've got two very contrasting opinions here (and cokehead I literally remembered that post cos of your name and how shady the guy sounded lol!)

I've made mine and coke has made his/hers... It's really your decision and you can at least weigh up what both of us have said. But i would say, whatever way you go about it do it with tact and consider his feelings!

Ross

spinandscribble · 23-07-2008 4:17pm

at the end of day, the op needs to decide for herself if her crush is more important then these ppl she'll ultimately inflict pain on. this is of course assuming that james would even touch her with yours, so to speak.

VW08 · 23-07-2008 4:18pm

Its not fair to your boyfriend if you have feelings for someone else. Do yourselves a favour, break up and move on. Let him find someone that likes him and no one else.

Cut ties your boyfriends bestf riend. He's got a girlfriend, itd be wrong to get between them. And it'll only get complicated if it stays the way it is now. Youd be breaking up a relationship and a friendship (your boyfriend and his best friend) if you carry on the way your going.

RedXIV · 23-07-2008 4:19pm

Cokehead Mother wrote: »

Well boo hoo for the BF and his best mate.

OP, you need to put your pleasure above everybody else's and abandon your crazy guilt issues.

Or just shag James's little brother and continue your relationship with Hugh. Then whenever you look at James you won't think "I want you", you'll think "Your brother can drive it home like a fag on meth".

Thankfully, pretty much all guys live by the "bros before hos" rule which pretty much blows your idea out of the water

OP, if you try and seduce your current bf's best mate, i can GUARANTEE it's not gonna end well for ya.

Wibbs · 23-07-2008 5:12pm

Cokehead Mother wrote: »

OP, you need to put your pleasure above everybody else's and abandon your crazy guilt issues.

A very selfless worldview altogether.....

seahorse · 23-07-2008 6:29pm

Cokehead Mother wrote: »

omg that was ages ago. I've since learned my lesson about people with children and shared mortgages.

You've a few more to learn, by the sounds of it.

coco85 · 23-07-2008 7:05pm

I was in a similar situation once..

I was going out with a guy for just over a year- we spent lots of time with his best mate.. as time went on i realised i had feelings for his friend- i spent at least six months thinking things through.. (his best mate had no gf though)

It got to the stage that i was meeting up with my bf just to get to see his mate- i loved getting to spend time with his mate on my own and in the end felt that my bf was just an inconvenience.. My bf had done nothing wrong in fact was the perfect boyfriend except the sparkle had gone out of the relationship for me.

In the end i told his best mate how i felt and thankfully the feeling was mutual.. i ended the relationship with my bf and started going out with his mate. I'm not saying the situation was ideal- it brought about lots of problems...

1) Their friendship was torn apart. They didn't speak for over a year after it all blew up

2) Mutual friends took sides hence a split in our circle of friends ensued

3) Viscious rumors about us being in a relationship while i was with bf no. 1 ensued.. not pretty!...was being called a slut etc...

4) five years later i'm still with the best mate- it was the best decision i ever made....

The differance in your situation is the gf...

The common denominator is that if you have feelings (love or otherwise) for someone other then your current bf then there is obviously a prob in your current relationship and that needs to be sorted..

If you do breakup with your bf you have to be prepared for all the **** thats going to hit the fan.. and trust me its not pretty and there cannot be any going back on your decision...

So be sure you think out what you are going to do, i know its tearing you up inside right now (i couldn't sleep, eat or even think straight!). but once you make a decision you will feel much better,

Take care and let us know how you get on.:)

chuci · 23-07-2008 10:08pm

end it with hugh. move on. leave james and his girlfriend alone.

COH · 23-07-2008 10:32pm

IMO if you told your boyfriend that your in love with his best mate I would assume that if he had any self respect he'd be dumping you quite soon anyway.

BOOM

somethingwitty · 23-07-2008 10:33pm

Its not a case of "which one do I choose?" at all! I just love them both a lot. And yes, I do know what love feels like. Take my word for it. Its just that I care about them both a lot and I dont wanna see anyone getting hurt. I just feel like James and I are better suited than Hugh and I.

CharlieCroker · 23-07-2008 10:38pm

think you just answered your own question there!

Wibbs · 23-07-2008 10:58pm

CharlieCroker wrote: »

think you just answered your own question there!

Pretty much, although I would look at it this way; if you're actually torn between two the chances are good that you're not in love with either of them enough, or either of them on their own won't be enough. Just my 2 cents.

MagicMarker · 24-07-2008 12:01am

somethingwitty wrote: »

Its not a case of "which one do I choose?" at all! I just love them both a lot. And yes, I do know what love feels like. Take my word for it. Its just that I care about them both a lot and I dont wanna see anyone getting hurt. I just feel like James and I are better suited than Hugh and I.

Listen, if you loved Hugh, then you wouldn't be fantasizing over James.

So, if you cared for him in the slightest you would leave him so he could find someone who he deserves. If James really is his best friend then you have no chance with him.

somethingwitty · 24-07-2008 12:11pm

Haha well I told him over a year ago that I liked James and I dont think he will break up with me now, even though I expected him to at first!!
Some people cant seem to understand that I can really like the two of them. People say "well if you fancy his friend you obviously dont love him that much"... But I really do! Isn't it possible to love two people at the same time?
James' realtionship with his girlfriend is very unhappy. He tells me a lot and its like he's just sticking with it cause he is so used to her, and she is so dependant on him. They are fighting every time I see them.
I dont think that James would like me in that way, even though we get on amazingly....
Thank you coco85...you seem to understand too... its ****e isnt it?
I just want to come out of this in the way that will cause the least trouble possible.

Drift · 24-07-2008 12:17pm

Hey OP, do you think is it possible you're just staying with your current boyfriend as a safety net? I know you say you love him but I think you'd also drop him in a heartbeat if James said he wanted you.

somethingwitty · 24-07-2008 12:19pm

I hate to say it, but honestly, it would be very tempting. I wouldnt say "in a heartbeat"

Mr. Incognito · 24-07-2008 12:29pm

Grass is always greener.

If you left Hugh for James then after a few weeks you'd probably want Hugh back and dump James.

I don't think this is about either one of them but about you- you need to sort out what you want. Take some time apart from hugh and discover who you are or you'll be defining and your happiness on your OH bouncing from relationship to relationship not knowing what you want.

Firstly, on the facts James has a girlfriend, so that's a big no-no.

Secondly Hugh and James are mates and I know if my gf went after one of my mates who was attached she'd be discarded from both our social circles immediately.

In Love With Boyfriends Best friend

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