Just me?

UnitedIrishman

I've only used this forum rarely but when I have I've gotten some good advice I said I'd try again. Plus it's very hard to get an objective view around here nowadays! Any help is brilliant.

Right, last weekend after getting back from the pub, two of my best mates (male) met my ex-girlfriend in town and invited them back to one of their houses (which isn't uncommon because randomers - male and female - often end up there drinking after the pub finishes and stay the night). Not to sleep with or anything (both lads have gf's), just for a few drinks etc - there was 5 of them in all.

Now me and my girlfriend didn't end on good terms so I'd expect my mates to show even an ounce of loyalty (for lack of a better word) about it. I was talking to both of them the next day and not a word about it, the only way I found out was through the guy who owns the house's sister (a good friend of mine).

Like I rang one of these guys after the pub seeing what they were going at, and they both said going home to their own beds. I said grand and went back to my own.

Then I find this out.. that they were having the craic with my ex and telling me ****e. Now it might sound like "oh what are you cribbing about...they're entitled to be friends with her" but the fact is that when we were going out, they rarely if ever talked to her. In fact they knew all about her 'ways' and told me about it.

So what I'm saying is.. am I stupid being thick about it? Because I was absolutely rippin' when I heard it. It might sound like a tiny miniscule thing.. but it comes down to the fact, can I trust them at all or are they really friends? If they're not going to say 'Oh X stayed here last night.. just thought you'd better know' - whilst telling me they were heading home.

castie

Maybe she was already in their company. So knowing how ye ended they may have thought "well we cant just tell her feck off" and so told you they were doing nothing. I say this because im guessing from your response that you would not have liked to be anywhere near her.

UnitedIrishman

castie wrote: »

Maybe she was already in their company. So knowing how ye ended they may have thought "well we cant just tell her feck off" and so told you they were doing nothing. I say this because im guessing from your response that you would not have liked to be anywhere near her.

Nope they only met her when they were walking up to the house. And surely they would've known I was gonna find out because their sis' was there and they know I trust her well enough to tell me these things.

Anima

I've had a similar experience recently with one of my friends and my ex-gf. The only thing I can say is just talk to your mates and resolve it. They both have gfs so they were probably just being friendly inviting her back. Shes not worth arguing with your friends over and she'd probably only be delighted to hear that its annoying you.

Carrigart Exile

She is your ex, she is no longer part of your life, move on. You sound a tad jealous because your mates shared time with her; so either you are not quite over her or worse you are upset because they are your friends not hers and how dare they play with her.

Let it go, you are not going to look good about this if you take it further.

MIN2511

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

She is your ex, she is no longer part of your life, move on. You sound a tad jealous because your mates shared time with her; so either you are not quite over her or worse you are upset because they are your friends not hers and how dare they play with her.

Let it go, you are not going to look good about this if you take it further.

+1

They don't have to tell you that they hung out with your ex, she's the EX!!!

Wibbs

IMHO I think it's not just as simple as she's the ex.

Yes she is, but if it was a mate of mine in this situation where it ended badly and the air still hadn't cleared for whatever reason I would avoid his ex girlfriend. I would be of course polite and friendly if I met her, but would avoid getting into some social setting to the exclusion of my mate.

Now as I said she is the ex, but different people move on in different ways. I would not assume that because I may handle it differently a friend would be the same. I would take his feelings into account, not how I would handle it. Same would go for a female mate in the same situation. Just because I may feel he/she should get over it, doesn't mean I ignore the fact that they are still working through it. No need to possibly make things worse, just because I want some after pub drinks. Good manners really.

Awayindahils

UnitedIrishman wrote: »

I've only used this forum rarely but when I have I've gotten some good advice I said I'd try again. Plus it's very hard to get an objective view around here nowadays! Any help is brilliant.

Right, last weekend after getting back from the pub, two of my best mates (male) met my ex-girlfriend in town and invited them back to one of their houses (which isn't uncommon because randomers - male and female - often end up there drinking after the pub finishes and stay the night). Not to sleep with or anything (both lads have gf's), just for a few drinks etc - there was 5 of them in all.

Now me and my girlfriend didn't end on good terms so I'd expect my mates to show even an ounce of loyalty (for lack of a better word) about it. I was talking to both of them the next day and not a word about it, the only way I found out was through the guy who owns the house's sister (a good friend of mine).

Like I rang one of these guys after the pub seeing what they were going at, and they both said going home to their own beds. I said grand and went back to my own.

Then I find this out.. that they were having the craic with my ex and telling me ****e. Now it might sound like "oh what are you cribbing about...they're entitled to be friends with her" but the fact is that when we were going out, they rarely if ever talked to her. In fact they knew all about her 'ways' and told me about it.

So what I'm saying is.. am I stupid being thick about it? Because I was absolutely rippin' when I heard it. It might sound like a tiny miniscule thing.. but it comes down to the fact, can I trust them at all or are they really friends? If they're not going to say 'Oh X stayed here last night.. just thought you'd better know' - whilst telling me they were heading home.

Was there a chance they were friends before you guys went out? That maybe this miss spending time with her?

My ex and I ended quite badly and I have gone to huge lenghts to give him enough space, to a certain extent avoiding people who I was friends with too before we went out. I have run into a few of these people recently and I have enjoyed haning out with them again. So if you were all friends before they might miss each other's company.

As for your friends not telling you they may not have wanted to upset you. You seem like you're still a bit raw, and maybe they thought silence was the batter option. You need to talk to them about that, but it may not have been them betraying you when they spent time with her.

WilmaRidesAgain

Meh -its bad form, they jibbed you off on the phone and then "bumped into" your ex and hung out with her....

Either they were hoping for a quick boff or something else....

UnitedIrishman

Cheers for the advice lads and ladies.

In response to some of the replies:

My mates weren't friends with her at all before/when we were going out - different age groups. They'd say hello and that and be nice but nothing more.
I think I'm more mad at the fact that when I rang them they said they weren't going to do anything for the rest of the night and were heading off home whilst she was right there beside them all the time. By ending badly, I mean I caught her cheating on me.

I'm not jealous of the fact she hung out with them, just pissed that they decided to lie to me about it when I rang that night.

It's kind of one of those situations I just feel like saying to them "Ah sure it's alright, sure ya can ask X for a few pints anyways." Just to see what their reaction would be.

RedXIV

if they were leaving the pub, they could have been twisted inviting her to the house. I'll try and make friends with anyone and everything in sight when i twisted, just like talking to new people

Just another idea to toss in the ring

UnitedIrishman

WilmaRidesAgain wrote: »

Meh -its bad form, they jibbed you off on the phone and then "bumped into" your ex and hung out with her....

Either they were hoping for a quick boff or something else....

Thats along the lines I'm thinking of at the minute.

WilmaRidesAgain

Justified in my opinion, they lied, have to ask why.....doesnt look good.

You are their friend, their first loyalty should be to you not their di(ks or noses or whatever....

I would mention it to them, watch them stammer and squirm....

madser

If I was you I'd be pissed off about that, if they're your friends they should have been straight with you, maybe they were trying to spare your feeling but still you have the right to be annoyed IMO:)

Zulu

Your mates are out of order.

Wotzit

they should have said something the day...sure enough the situation may be awkward for all parties and if you rang while the ex girlf was standing beside them MAY not have been able to say something but a quick mention about it the next day when the OP was talking to them would have made the situation a whole lot better.

I think you should casually mention that you know they spent time with your ex...don't make a big deal about it. Cause if you don't, the anger will build up and then it might come up in a row or something a few months down the line and be blown out of proportion.