Does he want kids?

LegacyUser

Im in a relationship, for the past 3 months, with a great guy and everything is going fantastically... We have a great time together, the relationship has been steady since day 1 and both know we love each other... Im mid-30's and he is mid 40's, divorced and has a 9 year old kid...

We are still getting to know each other of course and seem to be able to talk about anything but we havent gotten round to the discussion about if either of us would ever like kids. I have always wanted kids but only with the right person and in a good relationship. I have had a number of long term relationships and am not jumping the gun here but I do feel this is a good guy for me, the relationship is a good one and could get serious.. I dont know for sure that I want to have kids with him per se, it too soon for me but I do know I want to have kids if possible in the future...

I am conscious that time is passing and I am falling more for him every day. He already has a son If he doesnt want to have more kids then I need to decide if this is something I can live with and I dont want to be 1 year into a relationship before finding this out....

I am looking for advice on how best to approach it / phrase the conversation with him.

_blank_

Wanting to discuss kids after a 3-month relationship?

I think it's a bit soon tbh.

But, you say that time is not on your side, so I can see where you're coming from.

Hmm, maybe start out by asking him something about his son, and then say something like would he like a daughter, keep it casual, don't make it seem like you are going to jump his bones there and then if he says yes. Guage his reaction from that.

LegacyUser

Maybe I didnt explain it well enough. Its not like I am going to ask him if he wants to have kids with me. As I said I am very happy with him but dont know myself yet if he is someone I could have kids with.

I just want to know if its either a possibility in the future or not. If he does not want kids, I would not in a million years try to change his mind but I would need to make my own decisions about whether or not I stay with him... It is important to me and I would like to have all the facts up front TBH.

I am just not sure now to approach it without scaring the life out of him

brianthebard

You should be able to ask him straight out if he would want kids at some point.Obviously don't make it sound like you want to be pregnant right now or that its an ultimatum,but you are both adults you don't want to be guessing what the others thinking.

RedXIV

I dunno, i'm with Des here. After 3 months, this could be a bit heavy. But as said, you may be able to gauge this better with more vague questions. Asking about what he may have changed if he had a daughter would be a good starting point. If you make the questions sound more like conversation filler, you may be able to snap off questions which will give you your answer?

MagicMarker

Yeah, it's way too soon but considering your age, it's understandable you thinking this way...

Personally, i would just be straight up with him... Tell him you want kids at some point (in the near future) and does he see himself being apart of that?

As the guy i would understand your situation and if it turned out that i didn't want kids i would be honest with you.

You need to talk to him.

LegacyUser

I think my last post must have gone missing...

I dont plan on asking him if he wants to have kids WITH ME but I would like an idea if its something that he has absolutley no interest in doing or if its something that could be on the cards under the right circumstances...

I dont feel my biological clock is booming just yet but I would like kids, if possible... I dont know him well enough yet to know if I want kids with him. What I mean about time passing is that I am getting more smitten with him all the time so I dont want to be in a position where I am madly in love with him and then he tells me he doesnt want kids... I would not try to bribe him, issue an ultimatum or change his mind but as a result it would mean that, if I decided to walk away, then it would be all the more difficult for me to do at that stage rather than sooner.

We are going away on holidays together shortly and think it could be the time to suss it out subtly but I dont know (A) if I should wait a while or (B) how to approach it.

Nevyn

I don't see why you cant' bring it up as long as you can accept what he says about it.
Tbh I don't see why you are making such a fuss I assume he see's his son and I don't see why the next time his son comes up in converstaion you simply can't say "would you have more ?" and sit and listen.

I dont see why you would spend 3 months in a relationship with someone and not ask.

It isn't a big deal, it is what you want out life. If he feels uncomfortable with you even asking he isn't for you.

brianthebard

Just a word on this subtle feel him out stuff-this is why guys don't trust women and always fear an alternate purpose!Just ask him what you want to know,and save yourself coming back here in a few weeks asking 'what does this mean?I'm so confused!'seriously he's forty plus,he has a child,can you not trust his maturity enough to ask him how he feels?/rant.

LegacyUser

To be honest, I havent asked because I was half afraid of the answer but I now feel I am ready to deal with the answer... I just wanted opinions on whether to take the subtle approach or just get to the point.

I have no issues with asking him and I know I will get an honest answer, it was just how to approach it as I can be too direct some times..

b3t4

Myself and my boyfriend discussed whether we both wanted kids in the first two weeks of our relationship.

I see no harm in asking him if down the line he sees himself having more kids.

A.

MissThing

NewGF wrote: »

To be honest, I havent asked because I was half afraid of the answer but I now feel I am ready to deal with the answer... I just wanted opinions on whether to take the subtle approach or just get to the point.

I have no issues with asking him and I know I will get an honest answer, it was just how to approach it as I can be too direct some times..

I know exactly what you mean about investing so much emotion to discover later that he's not the one. I've had the discussion in early relationships (as it happens the guy(s) were not already a parent). You've got to know that you have the same aspirations regardless. If you're scared of coming on too heavy, just say something along the lines of, "...parenting is no joke, would you do it all again or go on a world trip?".

MJOR

It's a tough one... I get totally where yopu're coming from though... you really like him and before you fall deepeer you need to know if you are singing from the same hymn sheet.

Broach it carefully and explain that its not that you want them now or the immediate future and that its not your biological clock exploding but does he seem himself heading back there?