Long distance long term relationships: can they work?

LegacyUser

Apologies in advance, but this might be a long post. I don't know what to do.

I'm a 25 year old guy, and I'd been looking for a long term relationship for a while. I know that might sound desperate, but actually all it means is that I recognised that at this stage of my life I was ready to meet someone special, and to commit.

Last March, I found her. She is only just 21, and was in Ireland for a college term as a visiting student from the USA. One thing led to another, and after about a month of dating, we made it official, that we were officially a couple. We were both very happy, but knew that she'd be leaving at the end of May. Over the 2 months that we were together I found out that she was a virgin, and that she'd virtually no sexual experience. The reason I'm writing this is to show that we had a meaningful, honest relationship, and that we fell in love, because she lost her virginity to me.

As the end of May approached, we agreed that we'd stay together, long distance. The original idea was that she would come back to Ireland for a year in May 2009, and that we'd move in together.

In the meantime, we agreed that I'd visit her in September, and that we'd skype in the meantime.

I have to say, I was reluctant to maintain the relationship initially because I didn't think a long distance relationship could work. But I since decided that we love each other, and could make it work.

Since she got back, we haven't skyped that much. Also, she hasn't changed her phone price plan so that we can text. (Her mother pays her phone bills, and she says she'll change it soon). She seems happy to have a relationship through IM and email for the most part, and can skype only once per week due to time diffrence problems.

Additionally, she hasn't told her family about me. In Ireland, I introduced her to mine, and she stayed the night in my parents' house. But no, she says she can't tell her family about me because they'd blow a fuse.

I should add, at this point, that she's an African American, and that this explains her reluctance to tell her family that I exist, aparently; that, and the danger in their minds that a foreign boyfriend could upset their daughter's education.

Then I found out that she can't come back for the year like we'd both wanted. Again, her reasons are valid - cost being the main one. It's just a little impractical. I wanted to break up, as I could see no point in having an indefinite relationship through a computer screen. But again she says she loves me, and didn't want to break up, but that she wants me to be happy. I that if she had come back for the year, and if we'd moved in together like we'd planned and got along well, that it was my plan to propose to her. I expected her to be horrified, but she was happy at the idea.

So we said we'd stay together and, after four years (when I have obtained my qualification), I'd be willing to move over to America and get engaged. I said that in the meantime, she has to switch her phone plan so that we can text, we have to visit each other at least twice per year, and she has to make her family aware of me at some point. She agreed.

But lately, we've been having problems. She doesn't like flirting, ever. Sometimes this annoys me. I called her a 'Tennessee babe' at one point over IM and afterwards she said it annoyed her. She's got an extremely different sex drive to me and when I'm in this long term long distance relationship, sometimes a little reassurance that she misses me physically as well as emotionally would be welcome, but it rarely comes.

Just last week she as much as said that she doesn't want to tell her family about me until she has a ring on her finger -- I find that crazy, but I tell myself that she knows her family better than I do. I'm starting to worry that maybe I can't hack this. She's not giving me the reassurance that I need that this is doable. She never comes out and says: "I miss you so much, I wish you were here", like I do. I mean, what girlfriend wouldn't have changed her phone so that she could text her boyfriend straight away? What girlfriend gets annoyed when her boyfriend calls her a babe? Why is she so content to just email rather than talk? She's much more comfortable with the distance than I am, she says -- but I think it's because she doesn't feel the same way I do.

I know, I know. I should be asking her these questions, not you guys. But I have. And it almost always ends in a row, with me being accussed of being unreasonable, and not appreciating that she's introverted and private, etc. I'm doing my best to understand. I want her so much. And she has no desire to end it.

But I honestly think if I couldn't make it over to visit her in September, it wouldn't bother her so much, so long as we could email. She says the 'emotional' connection is what matters most. Ordinarily I agree, but when it gets to the stage where you think your girl wouldn't mind so much if she didn't see you for 6 or 12 months, you've got to wonder whether the wavelengths we're each on are too wildly different to make it work.

I'm thinking I should go over in September as planned and privately assess things afterwards, to see if we should stay together. But another part of me -- the part that says we should have ended our relationship amicably and on a high note when she left Ireland last May -- says I should cancel my flight and break up with her before our relationship enters a terminal distance-induced decline.

I've told my friends, and they're all sceptical. They think it's mad that she won't tell her family about me, especially in light of the putative engagement. They think it's not going to work. But they also know that I love her dearly. I'm just riddled with doubts, and anytime I try to broach them with my girl, it just seems our opinions of what matters most are too divergent.

I feel if I dumped her I'd regret it hugely. I don't want that. But my doubts are weighing heavily on my mind, and aren't relationships meant to make you happy, not trouble you? I am happy usually. But every so often I miss her and want to talk to her, and she can't, because of silly things like her phone. If I want to flirt (I am very physical and love physical affection), that's a no no, too.

Opinions and advice are deeply sought after!

G86

tuppy wrote: »

I'm a 25 year old guy, and I'd been looking for a long term relationship for a while. I know that might sound desperate, but actually all it means is that I recognised that at this stage of my life I was ready to meet someone special, and to commit.
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You're 25 - were you ready to commit when you were 21? You obviously have the experience now to know what you do and don't want from a relationship and to know you're ready to settle down, but this girl is 21 - you're her first love - and that makes it complicated. You know exactly what you want - she doesn't have a clue.

Last March, I found her. She is only just 21, and was in Ireland for a college term as a visiting student from the USA. One thing led to another, and after about a month of dating, we made it official, that we were officially a couple. We were both very happy, but knew that she'd be leaving at the end of May.
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So you have only dated for two months? Can you really get to know someone that well in 2 months?

Additionally, she hasn't told her family about me. In Ireland, I introduced her to mine, and she stayed the night in my parents' house. But no, she says she can't tell her family about me because they'd blow a fuse.
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Warning signals - if your getting engaged then she should be dying to tell her family! I'm sorry but this doesn't make sense at all.

what girlfriend wouldn't have changed her phone so that she could text her boyfriend straight away? What girlfriend gets annoyed when her boyfriend calls her a babe? Why is she so content to just email rather than talk? She's much more comfortable with the distance than I am, she says -- but I think it's because she doesn't feel the same way I do.
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The only way your going to find out is to ask her straight out. Call her, messaging is no good for this kind of thing. I don't want to make you feel bad, but if it were me and I'd met a guy I felt that strongly about then I'd do everything I could to make sure we stayed in touch. I get the feeling she is stringing you along and the distance thing is making that easy for her. I'd say it just doesn't seem 'real' to her when she's so far away.
You need call her and sort it out once and for all. If it doesn't work out then focus on finding someone who's on your wavelength and wants exactly what you want. You seem like a lovely guy so I hope it works out ok.

LegacyUser

You're 25 - were you ready to commit when you were 21? You obviously have the experience now to know what you do and don't want from a relationship and to know you're ready to settle down, but this girl is 21 - you're her first love - and that makes it complicated. You know exactly what you want - she doesn't have a clue.

Fair points. She's a bit of a traditionalist though, and says she'd always hoped that her first would also be her last, if you know what I mean...

So you have only dated for two months? Can you really get to know someone that well in 2 months?

I know it seems like a short time. But we were together pretty much all the time for the two months, we went away for two weekends together, and I met her friends. She also stayed over in my house roughly 80% of the time. She's so private that she doesn't really have that many other friends anyway, so we just sort of grew on each other really quickly.

Warning signals - if your getting engaged then she should be dying to tell her family! I'm sorry but this doesn't make sense at all.

That's what I thought too. But her family are southern baptists. She's not, but her mother and grandmother are very traditional. She has no dad, and no siblings, and they're one of the few black families in their town. This makes them a little wary. I've seen all the photos, and I've been in the room when 'granny and mama' called her! They're a tight-knit clan. I know this all sounds very strange, and that's how I feel, but I always try to consider the difference in culture on this issue. They're inclined to be overprotective and to dominate her, and I'd be a little worried that if I pressured her into telling them and she did so, they could convince her to dump me by threatening to cast her adrift.

The only way your going to find out is to ask her straight out. Call her, messaging is no good for this kind of thing. I don't want to make you feel bad, but if it were me and I'd met a guy I felt that strongly about then I'd do everything I could to make sure we stayed in touch.

I know. This bothers me. But again, she actually has a valid enough explanation for that too.

I get the feeling she is stringing you along and the distance thing is making that easy for her. I'd say it just doesn't seem 'real' to her when she's so far away.
You need call her and sort it out once and for all. If it doesn't work out then focus on finding someone who's on your wavelength and wants exactly what you want. You seem like a lovely guy so I hope it works out ok.

Thanks for that. I think it genuinely does seem real to her. And when she goes back to college she's getting a landline installed, and she's promised to switch her phone over soon. Her reason for not switching the phone over yet is that the bill is paid by her mam, and that her mam must therefore be with her when the price plan is changed. Sounds like a sob story, but her mother genuinely is laid up at the moment, and they live in the middle of nowhere. I think a big issue is her lack of independence. Her mother pays for everything - and she is an only child.

I realise this might all sound bizarre, but we are such a great couple when we're together that it just seems meant to be in so many ways. But, as I outlined in my first post, I have major worries.