Single and not looking

LegacyUser

A quick question. I'm not going to take your replies as gospel but would I like some opinions.
I'm in my 30s, nice apartment, decent income. I've had a few short relationships in the distant past. I don't look great because of the effects of chronic illness. However, I'm old enough to know that there are people in the world for everyone if you make an effort to find them. I've been rejected many times and sexually messed with a couple of times.
Due to a combination of the above I'm single. I'm getting on fine and have loads of friends and family for company. The question is, am I missing out on much? Is the effort of trying to find someone worth the rejections and risks I'd have to take? The option of having kids would be nice and a lover wandering naked around the house would be fantastic.
So, on balance, should I start trying again?

Dizzyblonde

I think you should maybe be open to new relationships but in the meantime you seem to be very happy and have a really nice life. Too many people depend on others to make them happy and try too hard to find 'that special someone'.
Keep on enjoying life and when someone nice asks you out - go for it!
You sound confident and comfortable with who you are and these traits can be very attractive.

ramtha

^You don't sound that dizzy at all!!:)
I agree with the above. Relationships are often overated and single life often underated. The grass is often greener and all that..

Marksie

Its not a question of whether we feel you should or are missing out.

What do you feel? apart from the odd, well that was eye candy wandering past the bedroom door feeling.
What do you feel you need from a relationship?

Grawns

In my experience it's when you're happy in yourself and not looking that you meet mr maybe. Men are very attracted to non-needy happy girls. It may be the case that he ends up messing up the happy place you're at but thems the risks.

Being happy and single is great, being in a relationship that makes you miserable is crap. But being in a good relationship is the best ever

Don't ever rule out the possibility of happily ever after.

brophs

To be honest, there is no right or wrong answer. Once you are happy, don't worry about what others expect, or what is the norm. The person you're with will never define the person you are. If you find someone who will treat you right, and that you will do the same for, then of course it's incredibly rewarding, but some of my favourite people are single, and it doesn't make them any less of a person.

Relationships are only good when it's with the right person. If you haven't met them yet, then don't feel any pressure to to hurry it along. Enjoy your single days, you will probably be hankering for them when you're dragging kids and a reluctant husband round the shops in a few years time.:)

neuro-praxis

Think about it this way. Worrying about what you might be missing won't improve your life one way or the other.

I'd say stay open to meeting the right person but carry on exactly as you are. Be happy!

pow wow

MsIndependent wrote: »

A quick question. I'm not going to take your replies as gospel but would I like some opinions.
I'm in my 30s, nice apartment, decent income. I've had a few short relationships in the distant past. I don't look great because of the effects of chronic illness. However, I'm old enough to know that there are people in the world for everyone if you make an effort to find them. I've been rejected many times and sexually messed with a couple of times.
Due to a combination of the above I'm single. I'm getting on fine and have loads of friends and family for company. The question is, am I missing out on much? Is the effort of trying to find someone worth the rejections and risks I'd have to take? The option of having kids would be nice and a lover wandering naked around the house would be fantastic.
So, on balance, should I start trying again?

I think even asking means you're ready to try again We've all been through the mill to varying degrees, but if you don't try you'll never know. Good luck!

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote: »

What do you feel you need from a relationship?

This is the issue. I'm not sure what relationships have to offer at this stage. I've never been in a satisfactory one. I mean, I know what the benefits are, company, sex, somebody on my side against the world. I just don't seem to have the urge to try again.

Grawns wrote: »

In my experience it's when you're happy in yourself and not looking that you meet mr maybe. Men are very attracted to non-needy happy girls.
Being happy and single is great, being in a relationship that makes you miserable is crap. But being in a good relationship is the best ever

I suspected as much People aren't in relationships for no reason. The thing is, I am a non needy, happy girl but there's no sign of anyone taking an interest, or of me taking an interest in anyone.

ellscurr wrote: »

I think even asking means you're ready to try again We've all been through the mill to varying degrees, but if you don't try you'll never know. Good luck!

You may have hit the nail on the head there. Maybe the curiosity that made me post this PI is the same curiosity that will lead me to look for a man. Who knows?

Overheal

MsIndependent wrote: »

company, sex, somebody on my side against the world.

what a great line :pac:

I dont know OP but to me it sounds to me like if you need to ask what you're missing, you're probably at the stage where you are ready to look again.

Marksie

MsIndependent wrote: »

This is the issue. I'm not sure what relationships have to offer at this stage. I've never been in a satisfactory one. I mean, I know what the benefits are, company, sex, somebody on my side against the world. I just don't seem to have the urge to try again.

You see, maybe i have a different view, but too many have the "consumerist" view of relationships, sex and the like. That is you are giving something in the expectations of return.
So talk of benefits if taken in those terms would indicate a trade of sorts rather than just enjoying the other and seeing where it goes.
That is one of the reasons why so many find their relationship unsatisfactory, they fell it unbalanced because they are giving in the expectation of receiving as much back or more.

MsIndependent wrote: »

I suspected as much People aren't in relationships for no reason. The thing is, I am a non needy, happy girl but there's no sign of anyone taking an interest, or of me taking an interest in anyone.

People may very well be in relationshps for the wrong reasons though..because they feel its expected, because they feel less of a person, because they dont have someone to wheel out at do's and functions and the like.

Well non needy is good, but you see, if you are not showing interest, then that will be picked up on.
if you are open to accepting something, then that will show. Now that doesnt mean chasing up people or turning up on first dates in a wedding dress (and exaggeration i know:)).
But just opening to life around you and saying ok..i am me, i dont need anyone, but here i am. If it happens..then great I am ready.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote: »

You see, maybe i have a different view, but too many have the "consumerist" view of relationships, sex and the like. That is you are giving something in the expectations of return.
So talk of benefits if taken in those terms would indicate a trade of sorts rather than just enjoying the other and seeing where it goes.
That is one of the reasons why so many find their relationship unsatisfactory, they fell it unbalanced because they are giving in the expectation of receiving as much back or more.

If I'm using a sort of cost/benefit analysis it's because I'm weighing the benefits of a relationship not against what I'd have to offer to the guy but what I stand to lose in terms of comfort and blows to my self esteem.

There's no denying that I wouldn't be single this long if I didn't have hangups about sex and relationships and I'd have to work through them and maybe upset myself with troublesome issues I've put on the back burner.
Aside from issues like that I wouldn't feel as happy as I am now if I had men reject me for being too ugly/too much baggage/too much whatever. I don't feel like crap now but I would feel that way if I was told so sufficiently often.

For me to start being open to relationships would involve starting a fitness routine, changing my diet, getting counselling, buying a whole new wardrobe of clothes and changing my social activities to ones that include single men. That's what I feel is too much effort to put in to end up being crushed by rejection.

Maybe I'm a coward or maybe I'm wise and self-preservation comes first for me. There's a worry that I'll regret not making the effort now when I'm older.

brophs

MsIndependent wrote: »

If I'm using a sort of cost/benefit analysis it's because I'm weighing the benefits of a relationship not against what I'd have to offer to the guy but what I stand to lose in terms of comfort and blows to my self esteem.

There's no denying that I wouldn't be single this long if I didn't have hangups about sex and relationships and I'd have to work through them and maybe upset myself with troublesome issues I've put on the back burner.
Aside from issues like that I wouldn't feel as happy as I am now if I had men reject me for being too ugly/too much baggage/too much whatever. I don't feel like crap now but I would feel that way if I was told so sufficiently often.

For me to start being open to relationships would involve starting a fitness routine, changing my diet, getting counselling, buying a whole new wardrobe of clothes and changing my social activities to ones that include single men. That's what I feel is too much effort to put in to end up being crushed by rejection.

Maybe I'm a coward or maybe I'm wise and self-preservation comes first for me. There's a worry that I'll regret not making the effort now when I'm older.

There will always, always be someone who sees the best in you, and sees the person you might not have the confidence to believe you are. That's not to say you will meet them, but if you would like to, you have to put yourself out there, and take a chance. It's only when you put yourself out there, and leave yourself incredibly vulnerable that you will get a true relationship. If you can't potentially be hurt badly by this person, then chances are they are not worth being with. You just have to believe that they won't hurt you, and that your faith will be rewarded. I know all of this is easier said than done, but sometimes a leap of faith is necessary, even if it scares the hell out of you.

Not all people will run a mile because of baggage etc, but it's also important not to have pre-conceived ideas/notions about the relationship(or as much as that is possible) because it can be tough for people to suffer/be punished because of things that have nothing to do with them. Every relationship is a fresh start, and we all make mistakes, the important thing is to try not repeat them.

Dudess

MsIndependent wrote: »

A quick question. I'm not going to take your replies as gospel but would I like some opinions.
I'm in my 30s, nice apartment, decent income. I've had a few short relationships in the distant past. I don't look great because of the effects of chronic illness. However, I'm old enough to know that there are people in the world for everyone if you make an effort to find them. I've been rejected many times and sexually messed with a couple of times.
Due to a combination of the above I'm single. I'm getting on fine and have loads of friends and family for company. The question is, am I missing out on much? Is the effort of trying to find someone worth the rejections and risks I'd have to take? The option of having kids would be nice and a lover wandering naked around the house would be fantastic.
So, on balance, should I start trying again?

Are you single because you're very independent and a partner would cramp your style at the moment, or are you single because of your past experiences? I would say the former is not problematic, but the latter is - simply because it would kinda be like you're denying yourself a relationship due to fear of being hurt.
Your life seems great, and contrary to popular belief, you don't NEED a partner, but you shouldn't deny yourself the chance of being with someone either.

Karen_*

MsIndependent wrote: »

For me to start being open to relationships would involve starting a fitness routine, changing my diet, getting counselling, buying a whole new wardrobe of clothes and changing my social activities to ones that include single men. That's what I feel is too much effort to put in to end up being crushed by rejection.

Why not do these things anyway just for yourself? I don't feel that you NEED to do these things to find the right man. Certainly you do need to feel good about yourself in order to have the tools to make a relationship work, a healthy one that is.

You might get hurt, you might face rejection but thats the chance you have to take really. No one can guarantee how things will work out.

As far as being single this long and it being due to hang ups, i don't think this is necessarily true. Loads of people are single well into their thirties. Alot of the time its because they didn't meet the right person and/or they've had broken relationships. Its very possible to have just met the wrong people and made the wrong choices. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong.


I think you should go for it. You're happy and thats great but you;ve got to take chances in life. It would be brilliant to have someone to share the happiness with. If you don't meet them then you'll still be happy. And if you get hurt well thats just a part of life and at least you gave it a try.