Trust and trust issues

LegacyUser

Been seeing my GF for a couple of months, get on great and spend a lot of time togther. However an issue has arisen which has caused a lot of friction between us.

Her soon-to-be-ex-husband was not a particularly nice fella. He cheated on her a number of times. Furthermore, she has been f**ked over a whole lot of times by those close to her (there is more of a background story but I don't want to get into it as I find it distressing) with the result is that she has severe difficulty trusting people.

Since we met there have been a few incidents which have broken down what little trust she has for me. One of them I hold my hands up for (got too pissed, was "caught" talking to another girl - can't remember the night to be honest and was totally out of character to get that smashed) but the rest are things which are matters which are in her own head.

Firstly, she is convinced that I'm sleeping with one of her friends. Thinks that the friend fancies me and accuses me of it every time i'm near the girl in question. At this stage i'm so paranoid about how she perceives my interaction with this girls I get all self-conscious around her - and the GF pick up on this and sees it as proof of my infidelity.

secondly, a friend from abroad came over to see dublin. Offered her accom at my mums house and both myself and the GF stayed there that weekend with the guest (and my mum). GF had to leave on the sunday and I stayed till monday, dropped guest off at airport and headed home.Again GF was convinced I slept with her. also said she felt like a 3rd wheel during the weekend - 2 company, 3 a crowd etc etc.

thirdly, met up with my ex for coffee. While it wasn't a great idea, there was no ulterior motive. We were together for 3 years and ended on good terms, just realised that we weren't meant to be together, discussed it and broke up - no feelings for her anymore but she is a good person and we would chat from time to time (just to make it clear - went to a conference that was in the building where she works, asked if she wanted to have a coffee since i was there - wouldn't go out of my way to meet her). similar story with the GF - convinced i slept with her.

Now I know that its not her fault and its the echoes of her past relationship thats causing the trust issues but what can i do to get us over this? or am i just heading down a hard hard road with no chance of resolution?

Your opinions would be great

STUBBORNGIRL

i have a friend with the exact problem as you have - a girlfriend that doesnt trust him.

Trust is one of the most important elements in a relationship. Without it a relationship cannot work.

Now firstly there is a problem if a partner cannot overcome the obstacle of their OH being friends with an ex or any person of the opposite sex. I myself have a lot of male friends and i would hang out with them and drink with them alot and i would expect a future boyfriend to be able to understand this. If he couldn't then - the door.

Everyone is entitled to their friends be it women or men - however once the partner does not cross that line between friends and sh@g buddies then there shouldnt be a problem. The problem only exists if Jealousy presents itself. Then you are damned.

MAybe she is Jealous that they are occupying your time - how bout you introduce them and involve your girlfriend in your rendevous with these women - This might just make her realise that she has nothing to be jealous of and the trust can be restored.

I dont know all the story her but by any chance have you been texting exes and she has seen the texts?IF she has gone snooping then this is not right.

To be honest my final opinion on this and many may disagree with me is that lack of trust can only serve to complicate a relationship - and that is so not worth the hassle. If your girlfriend cant get on with them then find a girl that can get on with these exes of yours and become just as good friends with them as you have..

Sorry if this isnt that much help to you but for me its all about the trust...at the first sign of doubt I bolt it!!

EcoGirl

God love her but she's messed up.

And God love you cos you're getting the brunt of it.

It seems to me that you shouldn't have to put your hand up for talking to another girl (as long as it was just talking). She was over-reacting to that.

jealousy can totally mess up relationships. She will either have to decide to trust you, or this will erode all that's good between you and end it anyway.

jeepers101

Seems to me if you genuinely care about her you're going to half to accept both her and her baggage. And be patient, give a good run at it, if things don't change get her some help.

Mr Benevolent

Seems to me if you genuinely care about her you're going to half to accept both her and her baggage

Ridiculous. Paranoia is not conducive to a good relationship. Warn her three times, and if she doesn't believe you then break up. Relationships are not all about pain and suffering, despite what others may tell you. I speak from experience, these aren't random thoughts.

LegacyUser

I feel for you man but the girl does seem to have alot of problems.
Can you see yourself putting up with these in the months possible years to come.
Personally no woman however much i loved her could make me change that i couldnt talk to my friends even if they are women.
My advice would be to get out of what looks like it could be a destructive relationship
perhaps the girl should get counselling goodluck

eastoryx

Can relate to this situation, except the trust issues with my GF were brought on by myself in the first place. Made a few mistakes in the past and I am left living with them. She was convinced for a while I was sleeping with one of her friends, which I wasn't. Anyway, I got so nervous and conscious about the situation, it made it look worse. She used pick up on this and a fight would be the outcome.
I blame myself for letting these things happen, as I had a habit of "leaving out the truth" at times. It was more not to hurt her than anything, but ended up hurting her more afterwards. We had a long break in our relationship, nearly 15 months where we did our own thing, and now back together. I still have doubts whether she trusts me but in a way I can't fault her.

It's hard to deal with at times, but I would say if you love her, try to work on it. I'm still working on it, and I am willing to do so as I do love her.

Marksie

jeepers101 wrote: »

Seems to me if you genuinely care about her you're going to half to accept both her and her baggage. And be patient, give a good run at it, if things don't change get her some help.

Only if she is prepared to work at overcoming it.
If its a continual thing thhen it will wear anyone down in time, induce feelings of frustration and resentment and lead to a breakup, whihc is the very things she is fearing in the first place.

Its a case of a self fulfilling situation, where her actions cause the very thing she fears.

It is up to her, with your encouragement op, to break the cycle using whatever means necessary

Queen-Mise

Trust is her issue not yours. Don't take it on board.

When she expresses a concern (like any of the ones given above) - tell HER you are not taking it on board, because it is her paranoia... Tell her very simply, she has to make a decision to trust you or not => basically staying with you or not.

Any fears & concerns she has after that, she has to bring them somewhere else. She needs help to deal with those things, you can't do it.


There is an interesting thing I would like to point out here though: the person who is making the accusations about infidelity, is the one most likely to be doing it.

Ronaldo2

Gosh she must be terribly insecure. I don't really see this getting any better any time soon. This type of jealousy is very destructive, its really only her that can sort this out, by counselling etc. there is nothing you can do to change her perceptions. You could encourage her to see a counsellor to help her deal with her trust issues.
Best of luck with this.

LegacyUser

Poor you sad_panda. I was your girlfriend three years ago in that I was the jealous person in my relationship and gave my bf a very hard time, convinced he fancied every woman he encountered. I had had horrible cheating boyfriends before him who would literally leave me to go to the loo in a pub and chat up a girl and then come back to me as if nothing had happened. This made me so paranoid and suspicious.

Then I met my current bf and thought he'd be like that too. I HATED being jealous but felt like it was almost a force bigger than me. I knew what I was doing was wrong and hated hurting him. Thankfully he saw beyond my 'issues' and stuck with me and i have completely turned it all around. I'm not saying Im perfect but I am no longer a jealous and irrational person. I got help by seeing a physcotherapist, reading books on jealousy, listening to subliminal CDs....basically anything that could make me understand this horrible burden I was carrying around with me.

If you love her and she seeks help, then stick with her. I don't agree with everyone saying to dump her, this is too popular a solution and i am so glad my bf didn't give up on me. I bet your gf hates feeling this way and wants help. I really didn't believe that I ever could change but I am living proof that someone can. My bf is delighted and has commented more than once in disbelief that this is the case!

I know it's not the cool thing to say you are jealous but I bet it's more common that we are led to believe

I really wish you the best of luck, it is not nice for either of you to be in this situation

insomnia08

Communication. Talk to her a lot, and don´t get mad at her if she asks too much. Keep calm, and with the time, she will become more confident and relax, and you will feel less pressure.

Many people have been through that road. If you love her, try to understand her and win her trust. Unfortunately nowadays a lot of people are cheating and being cheated, and these are the consequences..

I think trust is very important in a relationship, but both parties have to work on it.

Good luck