Am I that bad?

LegacyUser

Hi Boardsies

Looking for advice here
Background - guy 30's

Ok Im giving the online dating thing a go, sick of being single and really want to have someone to be with.

Anyhow.. went on my first online date with a girl last week..
we were mailing,txting, etc for weeks before hand, really got on fab online etc.
Felt we were really clicking.
She has my pic and I had hers.

So we met up and had a drink first, went well, chatting for an hour or more.
Then I had a fun charity event planned for after the drink so we went to that, v short drive away.
The event was running late so we were all standing waiting like everyone else (it was running 30 mins late).
Anyhow.. date was messing with her phone (she didnt get a txt that I heard)
and said she has to go.. i.e. right away .. to meet her friend
(earlier she said "i've no plans at all - im free all day")
Now im not exactly the thickest person so I know what she really means... and play along anyway and let her go to her car.
She said she'd send an email etc.. but i knew well that was that.

before we met up she was going on about a film which she was really looking forward to seeing and I said i'd put it on dvd and make a copy for her, - she was really overjoyed and I was glad to earn some brownie points before the date

well I dont hold any bad feelings at all, and 3 days after the date I just sent one v short mail saying:

"hiya
hope you liked the dvd - hope it worked out ok - sometimes im not great at copying them properly!
listen i know your not intrested - and im cool with that, no hard feelings at all and thanks for meeting up anyway.

p.s. would you like to go on my joke mailing list? and if you have any please send them my way too

take care"

she didnt mail back at all or even say Thanks - but no thanks,
I mean am i that bad a person to not even merit any reply?

I know there are so many other issues much more important and im moving on and looking for date number 2 so im not hung up on this or anything like it.
Just thought that even though i was straight with her and took the embarresment of her not liking me by admitting it myself that she still didnt give any reply.

Well... the search goes on for miss right !

Thanks for reading

STUBBORNGIRL

Ah op - my sympathies to you.

I dont think the girl is trying to be rude by not texting you back, i think she just wants to cut contact without leading you on! I will say though that it gets my goat when people dont respond to my texts. This happened me before where i went on a date with a guy i met at speed dating. Now i had remembered him as being really funny and a laugh so i said what the hell. Anyway we went out and I just didnt fancy him, in sayin that he was a nice guy but the part where he pounced on me in the cinema just turned me off completely....Well to cut a long story short i didnt respond to his text's thinking he would just get the hint...i didnt mean any harm in it but i thought better ignore them than lead him on. So for a finish i text him and said i didnt feel the chemistry with him and that although he was a nice guy that I didnt see it going anywhere - now he thanked me for the text and that was that.

My point here is the girl may not be purposely trying to be rude but rather doesnt want to lead you on. She should have text you back but dont worry about that now just know that she wasnt that into you and move on. Dont let this knock you - there are plenty of women out there that would be willing to date you. you just have to look in the right places.

Although in saying all that Im still searching for Mr Right - searching and searching but living in the hope that one day he will come along.

Get yourself out there and i think the best way to meet new people is through friends....

Dont let it get you down, there are loads of advantages of being single:D

Happy looking

lucernarian

Tough break man. I honestly can't see what you're doing wrong, and to be honest I think you'll be far more successful in the future. Keep the faith.

Ghost Girl

Well didnt you have a lucky escape, if shes that rude and couldn't have the decency to reply to you, then you're the lucky one that didn't end up getting to like her and finding out later what shes like.

There is nothing wrong with you, keep going the way you're going and a girl who appreciates you will respond better than that, and trust me just like you knew this one was over before it started, when the right one comes along, you'll know it too!!!!

SnowMonkey

op


no hoew you feel can you answer a few questions for us

how many times a day towhere you at the start texting each other??
how long did it take before you met up ?
where did you go ?
not being a pervert or anything how was she dressed?
above all did you do all the talking on her date?

Mr Benevolent

In all honesty I would advise against online dating. Companies profit from your singledom... it's not right. I speak from experience. First girlfriend I found online = disaster. Current girlfriend, met her in work = fantastic. I tried online dating for five years after breaking up with the first gf. Utter disaster - I'dve been better off single and not looking. Do yourself as favour and get out into the real world. Talk to real women, they're not weird monsters you know! Give them a chance, if they annoy or reject you just imagine being married to them... dear god!

Fysh

The DVD thing makes it seem a tad odd that she didn't reply, but is it possible she interpreted your message as an attempt to get another chance with her? Another possibility is that maybe she's focused on meeting potential partners only through the site and isn't particularly interested in making new friends as well. It could seem a bit mercenary but it might explain her sudden lack of communication.

As for whether online dating is a good idea or not...well, given that the majority of "traditional" dating starts in pubs and clubs, I really don't see why it's magically acceptable for a pub or club owner to profit from people visiting their establishments while hoping to meet someone, but somehow it's wrong for a website to specifically address that desire without doing so in an alcohol-fuelled environment. That said, I'd suggest trying out new hobbies or maybe joining clubs/societies based on existing hobbies if you're looking for other ways to meet people. At least that way, if worst goes to the worst you're still enjoying a hobby.

impr0v

Listen, don't worry about it. You are that bad, but just for her, not for everyone you're going to meet. Stay positive and try again, just maybe don't get your hopes up as much for the next one.

The online thing seems to require patience and positivity. It's also an environment where you have to operate partially blind. Photos and other communication will obviously tell some of the story, but a lot of how you feel around a person is instinctive, based on subtle things about them and their actions, and impossible to predict from how the person looks or talks online/via text.

Also, there's a lot of pressure on a first meeting, taking the project off the screen and into the lab. It's very different than talking to someone in a pub because you've passed a certain stage in formalities: you've met on a dating site, so it's clear what the agenda is, and you've decided to meet each other after seeing pictures, so it's clear there's at least a possibility of attraction. Certain declarations have therefore been impliedly made, and without even meeting the person in the flesh. Also, without wishing to generalise too much or to offend anyone, the individuals that use dating sites are frequently that slightly more socially nervous, or sometimes feel they're bad at meeting partners, and even if they aren't it's hard to escape the feeling of being somehow stigmatised by meeting in this way.

I think it was a bad idea to go for such a full on date, and try to spend so much time together. I'd say half the reason she didn't get back to you is because she's mortified at how she left. If you're able to look on the bright side, then know it's a good thing that you've clarity at least. You'll get over the disappointment quicker if you aren't in touch with her, or wondering if she's thinking twice. Next time, just meet for an hour or so, for coffee during the day. Then leave and you can both have a think about how it went and discuss the prospect of meeting up again later.

Best of luck.

niceoneted

OP,
I've done the online thing. I must say I hated when someone didn't reply. It's just bad manners in my book and as one other poster suggested you've had a lucky escape if she is that rude.
I have been contacted by people that I would never consider meeting but I always reply with as diplomatic a response as I can. It's only manners after all and it costs nothing,
Good luck on your future dates. Don't give up hope.

Nevyn

Anti banned for a month.

A Primal Nut

Man this **** happens unfortunately. If a girl isn't interested its very unlikely you'll get an explanation or even a goodbye its just the way it is. Even if the date goes really well and you talk about meeting up again, there is still a strong chance she'll never talk to you again. Happened me a few times lately unfortunately.:mad:

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for replying

just to answer snowmonkeys questions


how many times a day towhere you at the start texting each other??
it was email at first - almost 3 weeks of that usually daily.
then after swappin numbers, maybe 5 txts a day
she would usually send nite nite xx txts too
but i didnt go out of my way to reply to these all the time.
plus some mails in work aswell as dating site mails.

how long did it take before you met up ?
3 wks~

where did you go ?
just a pub for an informal drink 1st, then i had mentioned a few things that we could do before hand and she was intrested in going to see this annual charity event that happended to be on that day. As a spectator, and then maybe grab a bite to eat. - but that didnt happen.

not being a pervert or anything how was she dressed?
She was dressed normal, nothing out of the ordinary, she was with relations the night before, and stayed in with family watching a movie, as she was looking after kids all day and said she was tired so heading to bed early the night before.
So it wasnt the case that she might have been hung over or anything,

above all did you do all the talking on her date?
First meetings i guess are always nervous, but we both were talking i felt,
ok maybe I did a good bit, but i was able to listen alot too.
a few laughs etc

I see someone just got banned for a month!?
i didnt even see their reply - just as well !

Cheers to all for the tips / comments
jaysus I should come here after every failed date to refine my methods haha and i'll get lucky eventually

Auldloon

You win some you loose some i wouldnt worry about it. My advise would be to meet up as soon as possible so as to not waste time on someone you discover no attracted to or vise versa.
Online dating has worked for me bigtime

Redpunto

She was being a bit of a b*t*h thats all, its not you, shes just being rude and youre best rid. Put it behind ya and good luck with moving onto no 2

geminilady

Yeah i really wouldnt worry bout it you seem like a nice guy so it seems like her loss. Jus take your time, and just think about it like thats one less girl to worry bout.!

Ya seem to have done everything great, maybe she had some unrealistic big expectations about it, but you can be relax as i just get the feeling she was that nice of a person to reply it wouldnt have pushed her to reply, like!

Dont get disheartened aswell, just start with a fresh clean slate with the next date!

Good luck, happy dating!

Ronaldo2

Don't worry, its her that has the issue. She didn't have the guts to say she wasn't interested.

AngryBadger

OP the description of your date sounds savage! I mean you made a DVD for her, and you brought her to a charity event for a few laughs after spending an hour chatting.

That's a perfect date man, you come off as a nice guy for going to the trouble of making the DVD, and thoughtful since you obviously put some thought into what ye might do on the date.

Don't take it personally, sometimes we just don't click. If you approach things this way in general you'll have plenty of dates to go on.

And relax man, just ebcause a date goes well, or you spend ages talking to someone or whatever, it doesn't automatically mean "relationship".

But from where I'm standing it seems like you're ticking all the boxes, her problem if she couldn't be polite/mature enough to at least enjoy the date.

littlebitdull

Of course its also possible that she did indeed get a text - her phone could have been on silent?

And then she gets your message, and thinks you are trying to back off? So sees no point in maintaining contact if your not interested?

Chalk it up to experience. But maybe next time - and in my opinion you should indeed try again, and again if need be - dont jump in with the idea that it did not work out.

farreller24

Im a 24 year old fairly good looking girl, nd after coming out of a very long relationship i tried online/speed dating. I met a few nice guys and would advise you to keep looking, the girl you went on a date with probably just wasn't attracted to you and didn't want to lead you on. I do think it's rude that she left mid-date though! I too have had the experience of great pre-date textin/emailing and then it just doesn't click in person. I think your best bet is to be upfront with girls, don't play games, say what you mean, but also there's no harm in playing it a tiny bit cool (not too much or she'll think you're not into her) but don't smother her with texts/calls either or you'll look desperate and there is no bigger turn off for a girl believe me I have had that experience too, and it just feels like the guy just wants you for the sake of having a girlfriend and not that he really likes you in particular!

So listen, you sound really nice, so just be yourself relax and have fun, line up a few dates to take the pressure off, then if it doesn't work out with one, you'll be too busy with the other ones to care!!! Good luck !

LegacyUser

Don't mind her op you sound like a great guy and should have no problem with future dates as you did everything correct. Try not to let 1 bad experience put you off online dating. Good luck!

SnowMonkey

First of all fareplay to answring my question's....

Onlineguy1 wrote: »

it was email at first - almost 3 weeks of that usually daily.
then after swappin numbers, maybe 5 txts a day
she would usually send nite nite xx txts too
but i didnt go out of my way to reply to these all the time.
plus some mails in work aswell as dating site mails.

3 weeks of emails and dateing site message's is a lot of contact. there got be well 5 emails a day over 3 weeks is a bit much... The way I see it being, You make contact with some one you email possibly a message a day to mch too quickly disscusing personal life takes the interest out of you, and put's you into the friend's zone in my veiw.

Then you have texting to, granted its a dateing site, but there getting to no each other and there getting to know each other through modern techknowlidgy and getting to no some one in person. thats what you need to be doing!

Onlineguy1 wrote: »

how long did it take before you met up ?
3 wks~

Well i guess thats just you and her taking to much time I meet a girl threw zoosk facebook bebo add on in a week and that was a message a day...... So i think again you gotta act swift.... personall opinion... ps she was a total head melter but thats the way it goe's....

Onlineguy1 wrote: »

just a pub for an informal drink 1st, then i had mentioned a few things that we could do before hand and she was intrested in going to see this annual charity event that happended to be on that day. As a spectator, and then maybe grab a bite to eat. - but that didnt happen.

informal drink great idea i did the same, but i would of gone a different way. Charity fundraiser a bit doll you gotta do something exciteing or fun like a comidey show or something wear you you can create some phisical contect (leads to flirting) ps the more random the idea seems the more fun it is:) for booth of you.....

Onlineguy1 wrote: »

She was dressed normal, nothing out of the ordinary, she was with relations the night before, and stayed in with family watching a movie, as she was looking after kids all day and said she was tired so heading to bed early the night before.
So it wasnt the case that she might have been hung over or anything,

quite odd really but i suspect its down to the fact you guys where in contaact so much before eventully meeting each other i mean as far as im concerd online dateing should be like meetin a woman that you meet at a bar... havea few chats and say hey wanna met up for a drink or luch next week obvously a few days later....

Onlineguy1 wrote: »

First meetings i guess are always nervous, but we both were talking i felt,
ok maybe I did a good bit, but i was able to listen alot too.
a few laughs etc

you really gotta get passed the nervousness and start showing interest in more then one woman, dont put all your eggs in just one basket.... ok so pretty average..

again man all im trying to do is advise you from my own personall experence.. But look at it asa learning curve.. the other rule with me is if i send a message i allways want to see a lol even if its not hugle funny project an element of funnyness into it for instance, i take the piss out of my self. if i cant laugh at me who can i laugh at....

Ps man you aint bad at all you got one date thats somewhere some people never get dates... You just gotta learn to be a bit more chilled out.. ...

ps I use www.askmen.com for advice with dateing some of its cool some of it aint.. you just gotta siv through the crap...

but man you aint that bad at all I promise..:D

When i first started out I was terrible i was abundel of nerves ......i talked so much and sos fastly she was like huh what... so no you aint bad, you only ever learn from experence ... reading can give you the tips...