Relationship dead?

LegacyUser

I've never posted on Boards before, never had the balls! But been building up to this one for awhile.

Been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He wouldn't have been my "type" or so I'd have thought but we fell for each other majorly. Literally, body chemicals just took over! We practically spent all of the first year in bed. We met while living abroad so lots of people said it was a holiday romance and when we got home it would all die down etc.

But we were still crazy in love when we got home. It was different cos we were now living back with parents but people would actually tease me cos I "was so in love". We went away for a wkend and an oul fella stopped us in the street and said something about love being great and it makes the world go around type of thing. I know it sounds sickening but thats the way it was.

ANyway, as I said, it started off on a sexual high. But moving home brought all kind of stresses for me. The family are a bit dysfunctional and there was lots of argy bargy going on at the time. I ended up having to move out but realised I was feeling less and less like having sex. I put it down to the stress of the family issues.But it didn't seem to get better even after moving out. I tried to avoid it as much as possible but it got to the point where I was actually refusing him.

He did say eventually that he felt bad about it and he thought he might get to a point where he just wouldnt bother making moves on me anymore. Despite all this we got on very well day-to-day and were still very loving. I did get to a point where I felt better about sex but it had happened as he said it would...he wasn't interested.

I remember a two week holiday where we only had sex 4 times.(but still had a laugh otherwise). We had moved in with each other by now and I found my boyf to be very cold toward me in some ways. I understand he was probably resentful of the whole situation by now.We did talk about the situation frequently and seemed to end up at the same conclusion each time..that we would both" make more of an effort". But it just hasn't been the same.

We've had sex a handful of times over the last year and I've lost all sexual confidence. When it does happen, I can't relax or initiate anything out of the ordinary, its all very straightforward and bland. Each time I bring it up with him, he says he warned me this would happen. I know it was my fault initially but I want to turn it arond and I know he does too but we just don't know how to go about it. Its as if there's this barrier between us, although in other ways we're very loving toward each other. He's not very open to the idea of therapy either, I think partly because he soley blames me.

Is the relationship, quite simply, just over ? We're nearing our thirties,so if it's going to end I'd rather it were sooner than later. Any thought welcome. Sorry for the ramblings!

Wagon

Are your family still having problems that you're worrying about? Or do you not feel comfortable around him?

LegacyUser

The family are just one of those families, parents now separated but lots of ongoing back and forward crap. I've always found it hard to disassociate from whatever emotional upheaval was going on. Don't think that's the issue with my own relationship at this stage though. There's just this huge awkwardness between us now....I suppose we've both gone through stages where we were rejected by the other so its safer not to make any moves. But its such a strange thing that we can actually talk about it but without managing to turn it around...

Jet Black

Sounds excatly like the relationship I was in. It was great for the first three years, we spent every spare moment together we then moved in together and things just fell apart. I relaised after months of thinking I did not love this person and I treated her like a friend. It broke my heart calling it a day but I knew it was the right thing to do.
We tried to fix things between us for a year but nothing worked. Sex was non existant.

First thing you have got to ask is do you see a future with the two of you?
Are you in love with this person or just as friend?

Maybe you just need some time apart but if it cannot be worked out best thing to do is call it a day.

Wagon

jessieb wrote: »

The family are just one of those families, parents now separated but lots of ongoing back and forward crap. I've always found it hard to disassociate from whatever emotional upheaval was going on. Don't think that's the issue with my own relationship at this stage though. There's just this huge awkwardness between us now....I suppose we've both gone through stages where we were rejected by the other so its safer not to make any moves. But its such a strange thing that we can actually talk about it but without managing to turn it around...

If you don't see a future in it, then end it. No point wasting time.

How Strange

OP, if both of you want to work on your relationship and are equally committed to it then consider couples counselling.

There's probably a lot of issues to be aired and a mediated environment would be the best place to do that.

Aurora Borealis

How Strange wrote: »

OP, if both of you want to work on your relationship and are equally committed to it then consider couples counselling.

There's probably a lot of issues to be aired and a mediated environment would be the best place to do that.

I agree. It may be that the relationship has reached its natural conclusion but I think if you've been that committed to someone it's always worth the extra mile to find out if there is something you can do to sort things out particularly when you get on in so many other ways as you say. Many would baulk at the idea of relationship counselling but it doesn't have to be some religious type thing or indeed months and months of sessions. I'd suggest trying it.

barbiegirl

Maybe it has reached it's natural conclusion but also maybe there are other things to consider. You were depressed and worried and your hormones died down, perhaps they never sprang back into action. Get a blood test and check, the same applies to guys who lose the drive, try a test, expecially if you are still IN LOVE with them.
Also consider that as you get into a long standing relationship, once a week is perfectly normal. In every couple one will have a higher drive than the other, you reach a compromise.
Book a sexy weekend away, maybe a couple's spa experience, enjoy everything, see can you fall in lust again. Life and relationships are full of ups and downs you need to decide if this is just a down, and if you want this guy to be your forever man, cause if you do you need to get pro-active.
Make an effort, this isn't some romantic novel but your life, as my mother in law says "marriage is about perserverance", and they are 40 years happily married. Insert relationship for marriage.
But again only if you really think he is your forever man. When you look at your life in 20 years, when a teenager is calling you every name under the sun, shouting that they hate you, and banging doors, leaving you so upset, is he the guy you see giving you and hug and reassuring you that it all perfectly normal.:rolleyes: If so fight to keep it alive.

MJOR

Everything affects your Libido and it kinda come and goes. That's the same for everyone. Your sexual appetite depends entirely on your situation. No matter what people say sex is super important in a relationship.

When it comes out of the relationship it can be hard to reintergrate it. Intimacy ususally leaves with the sex.

I think its quite simple here... you've fallen out of love.

Aurora Borealis

I don't think it's always that simple and have to agree with barbiegirl and her mother-in-law
Relationships take effort and perseverance sometimes but they are a worthy exchange for such a commitment.

katie08

Basically from what your saying I gather that you didnt want sex much then your boyfriend got a bit taken a back by this then you regained sexual feelings & wanted sex but hes still not over the rejection he felt before?

Seems like this guy really places a lot of emphasis on sex. And the fact you refused him hurt him more than you realised, he may have took no sex as a sign you didnt love him cause that is the way he expresses love most...

Tricky one :rolleyes:

LouOB

Path of true love never runs smooth

Its only in the difficult times can you see how much someone means to you
and wants to be with you. When this happens something is going to suffer i.e. sex life, personal life, friends etc. Maybe plan something nice for the bf - just you and him.
Then reminse about the 'old' days - sheets will be on fire after that
Show him what your made of (oh and turn off the mobile)

AngryBadger

I'm wondering about your bfs response in the earlier times when you stopped really being interested in sex.

I would have expected him to want to find a way to fix that problem immediately, not let it languish and reach the predicted stage of him not initiating anything. I realise this was a "madly in love" situation, but that response just seems weird to me.

I could understand a willingness not to pressure you for sex, but yo give you some space in that area to work stuff out. But to submit that he would stop trying altogether, what's that about?

I don't know what that means, but i think it definitely needs closer scrutiny.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all your thoughts. I guess I was wondering if others would think its a lost cause. (clearly some do!) Of course I want to fight for our relationship but part of me also wonders if we're a bit young to have to really work at it? Is that idealistic of me? Shouldn't that kind of thing only come up after many years together?