Delicate Situation - need advice

Eoghan133

I need advice as I am unsure what to do. Over the past 18 months I split up with my partner. We have a 3 1/2 year old little girl. There have been good and bad times over these 18 months and both of us care dearly for our daughter. I now live about 50 miles away. Over the past 6 months our arguments became stronger, all to do with access, guardianship and areas like that. My ex partner never once stopped me seeing my daughter but over recent times, overnight access in my home 50 miles away became an issue. Recently we both agreed that a lot of the arguments were personal and not really relted to our child. We have started talking a lot more clearer about our responsibilities and our daughters future and I am happy with that and overnight access is now ok. However, I have a concern, and it is about me stying overnight in my ex partners home, due to the distance between us - I am wondering is this right, would it effect my daughter in time, the fact that sometimes I am there, sometimes not. Any advice or questions would be appreciated.

Carrigart Exile

Eoghan133 wrote: »

I need advice as I am unsure what to do. Over the past 18 months I split up with my partner. We have a 3 1/2 year old little girl. There have been good and bad times over these 18 months and both of us care dearly for our daughter. I now live about 50 miles away. Over the past 6 months our arguments became stronger, all to do with access, guardianship and areas like that. My ex partner never once stopped me seeing my daughter but over recent times, overnight access in my home 50 miles away became an issue. Recently we both agreed that a lot of the arguments were personal and not really relted to our child. We have started talking a lot more clearer about our responsibilities and our daughters future and I am happy with that and overnight access is now ok. However, I have a concern, and it is about me stying overnight in my ex partners home, due to the distance between us - I am wondering is this right, would it effect my daughter in time, the fact that sometimes I am there, sometimes not. Any advice or questions would be appreciated.

You are two grown adults who share a child; assuming you can trust yourself not to end up in bed with your ex what is the problem. Where you will have a problem is if either of you get a new partner.

Eoghan133

Thats not what I am worried about - even at the very early stages, when my daughter was say one onwards our relationship was suffering and we were sleeping in seperate rooms anyway. What I am worried about is the confusing effect it may have on my daughter - sometimes I would be there, sometimes not, and obviously if I did have a new partner in time, I am sure it would effect on that relationship also. I dont want to start something, then stop if you can understand where I am coming from.

Nevyn

Why is having her stay over at yours suddenly a problem ?
Why are you staying over at her mothers ?
Do you have a visitation agreement ?
Did you get your guardianship rights ?

Eoghan133

There is more details to this - exactly like what you said, why did it become a problem all of a sudden. We were just about to have access agreed through the courts but she took a very quick turn around on this and now the overnight access in mine is not a problem. I havent stayed over at hers since she stopped allowing my daughter stay with me, it was as though the entire situation became entwined into our arguments about why we split up rather than about our daughter.
I had to go to court for my guardianship, but got that. Recently we have agreed overnight, we seem to be able to talk more, but we had thought about me also staying in hers with my daughter, but this is my worry, would this be confusing on my daughter, the chopping and changing of it all.

Nevyn

I think you need to have your own relationship with your daughter independant of her mother esp if you are not getting on well wth the mother atm.

IS your place suitible to have your daughter ? and if it is what is the problem ?

DinoBot

Yes, she will be a little confused, she is only young. Thats why you will have to speak to her and explain the situation. Kids adapt very quickly to change. What you see as a possible negative situation, she will see as quite normal if your open about everything.

Kids only get worried if your inconsistent, like say you will stay over a particular night and just not turn up.

The important thing is to find a balance your all happy with.

SarahMc

I very much doubt this arrangement could work. It would be very confusing for the child, and is a minefield in terms of boundaries.

I can't understand why the child cannot go to your home for overnight access.

luckat

Sounds like you're coming to a good arrangement - you're acting like grown-ups, and being friendly and nice about it for the sake of your child.

I doubt, honestly, that your little girl is going to feel anything is odd. "Daddy works far away, but sometimes comes to visit me and mammy. That's the way it is in our family." That's how she'll see it.

She'll only find it strange if it's tense and angry and sad. And you're both making sure it won't be like that - well done, and good luck to you, all three.