Ex Boyfriend - F*ck Buddy

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

Myself and my ex broke up 2 years ago after a 5 year relationship. I'm 24 and he's 29. We broke up for many
reasons and neither of us took the split well. I stupidly slept with one of his friends naively thinking it would make him
jealous and make him want me back. It didn't, my childish plan backfired and resulted in him hating me and his friend
hating me and things got very messy.

we didn't speak for almost a year after that. He was no angel either though. He spread rumors about me, turned people
against me and made my life hell. All very mature, I know. Anyway, there was so much hurt and betrayal between us and
lost respect that I never thought we'd so much as speak again but we ended up meeting for a pint one evening and slept
together. Afterwards, we tried to get back on track but old resentment resurfaced and it fell apart again.

So, over the last two years since we split, we have hooked up several times, had amazing sex but then parted ways. Sometimes
I'd want more but he wouldn't, sometimes we'd both be seeing other people and guilt would kick in, sometimes it was just a drunken
shag and we took it at face value.

Lately, we've been back in touch. We are both single. I have just broken up with a guy. We are meeting for a drink next week but deep
down I know it's a really stupid idea. I'm not looking to get back with him, I'm just looking for an amazing night of sex which it would be.
I've never met anyone like him since we split, nobody compares to him in bed.

My question is, why do we keep going back to each other? Even when I was with my most recent ex, my heart would race at the mention of
my original ex. It couldn't be love though cause if it was surely we'd be together. We don't work as a couple so why are we both agreeing to meet
up knowing full well it will lead to the bedroom. Why keep doing this to myself?

Can you be f*ck buddies with an ex? I guess that's another question I have and also, does attraction ever fade away or will I always find him
irresistible?

Thanks for reading..

Wibbs

As a matter of interest why wouldn't you go back with him now that you're both single? Can the things that split you up back then be sorted?

The ex sex is usually a bad idea. Feelings are even more likely to kick off than with the usual friends with benefits.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

As a matter of interest why wouldn't you go back with him now that you're both single? Can the things that split you up back then be sorted?

The ex sex is usually a bad idea. Feelings are even more likely to kick off than with the usual friends with benefits.

I wouldn't go back with him because part of me would never trust him after what he put me through. There was a small bit of violence towards the end, nothing major, just a drunken once of but out of respect to myself, I couldn't go back to someone who once rasied a hand to me.

That'd be my main reason. Also, because we've tried a million times already and it doesn't work. Wht we do this, God only knows..

I'd be interested to hear your views on attraction fading, why we go back to each other even after all the hurt etc Thanks!

chickenhawk

Can you be fcuk buddies with an ex? No. The way you talked in the post shows that you still have feelings for him and it will just end up being very messy. Sex will not just be sex it will mean something in this situation.

You have two options imo. Either get back together properly or walk away.

Nevyn

It depends how over him you are and likely/unlikey you are both to get crossed messages and conflicted feelings.

drunkmonkey

- Attraction can and will fade
- You go back because it's an easy shag
- **** buddies with your ex is great but what about your future love, will you ever find him if your so wrapped up in the past....

Move on or get back together....he obviously still likes you....

LegacyUser

drunkmonkey wrote: »

- Attraction can and will fade
- You go back because it's an easy shag
- **** buddies with your ex is great but what about your future love, will you ever find him if your so wrapped up in the past....

Move on or get back together....he obviously still likes you....

Does he though or am I just the easy option. I know he still finds me attractive because last time he saw me he told me he thinks I'm beautiful. that doesn't equate to like/love though...
I keep thinking that too though, if he was over me he'd walk away now..but he isn't...even though I hurt him deeply. Is that because he's over it though and no longer hurt or because he likes me...arrghh...sorry, heads very melted..

Wagon

exsexex wrote: »

Why keep doing this to myself?

Because you want a shag. That's it really, and he's the same. If you're miserable about going to meet him then how about...not going?

Whyner

You'll get over him once you met someone better, simple as....

Aurora Borealis

If it's only the sex that is bringing the two of ye back together then walk away, no matter how irresistible, it'll only get complicated again and a shag is not worth it.
If it's more than you need to stop arsing around, be adults and upfront with each other and see if there's some way you can work through your difficulties, counsellors whatever so that you can happily be together.
This has been going on a very long time to not examine it properly.

Beruthiel

exsexex wrote: »

]I couldn't go back to someone who once rasied a hand to me.

So, you refuse to be with someone who raised a hand to you, but you don't mind shagging them.
Sorry, I'm not buying that, it's twisted thinking.

Is that because he's over it though and no longer hurt or because he likes me...arrghh...sorry, heads very melted..

Ask him. We don't know.
And if your heads melted, why are you doing this?

Wibbs

exsexex wrote: »

I'd be interested to hear your views on attraction fading, why we go back to each other even after all the hurt etc Thanks!

Because at some level your body thinks he's very compatible and wants him. That's unlikely to change until you meet someone equal or more attractive to you sexually.

I've noticed this is a stronger effect for women in general. I have seen guys keep going back to get the leg over, but not to the exclusion of other factors. I've seen guys who were very sexually attracted to a woman back off as she was a headwreck or whatever.

With my female mates if they ask me, "do you think I'll go back to him", I always ask, "well do you still want to rip off his clothes?" If they answer yes, then I know 99 times outa 100 regardless of advice from anyone they'll go back and jump his bones again(usually hoping for more than that).

I've seen this time and time again, where sound women keep going back to muppets, even abusive muppets because of this. Way more than men anyway.

Fair play for walking away after the physical got out of hand. A good reason to do so too. That alone if it was just a one off years ago, could be gotten over. If there's other stuff going on then all bets are off reconciliation wise.

If I were you I would avoid him. It will wreck your head most likely and in the warm afterglow some other emotions may come into play now that you're both single.

sunnyside

I think a f##k buddy has to be someone you can be friendly with and not somebody who is causing constant emotional highs and lows.

Doesn't sound like this relationship could ever work to me. The only reason you both go back is sex. Find someone else to have sex with who'll cause you less stress and hassel.

brianthebard

exsexex wrote: »

Hi Guys,

Myself and my ex broke up 2 years ago after a 5 year relationship. I'm 24 and he's 29.

just a guess op but was he your first sexual partner and/or seriour relationship?this might explain why you still have residual feelings for him.also you say hes better in bed than anyone else you've been with?from the sounds of things he had plenty of time to find out what you like.give another guy a chance and show him what you like and you might see things differently.

MJOR

I think it's a terrible idea.

Your brain is telling you "its just a ride" but your heart will think differently.

Sex without emotion can be great I'm sure... Sex with fu€ked up emotion is a recipie for utter disaster

Nevyn

I dont' know why you are consdiering having sex with some one who you don't trust tbh,
esp as he broke that trust in such a physical way and showed his lack of respect for you.

Rayven199

Cut your losses and move on. F**k buddies is a bad idea but especially when its with an ex. You are both preventing each other from moving on and meeting someone who may be perfect for you.
I would get out now if you two dont want to be together and be by yourself for a while to figure things out!
Best of Luck!!

Dave!

Sounds too complicated a situation to remain f*ck buddies. Just have words and remain friends, or else part company. That's my thoughts on it!

Wibbs

Thaedydal wrote: »

I dont' know why you are consdiering having sex with some one who you don't trust tbh,
esp as he broke that trust in such a physical way and showed his lack of respect for you.

Right on the money. Then again you know who you are and what you want, so you will see the obvious problem. A fair few won't.

She still fancies him and as long as that's in play all bets are off unless the OP really makes an effort to avoid him. As I said I've seen women go out with a nice bloke, leave him to cop off with some drug addled waster who was nothing to look at. Why? Because she wanted to jump his bones. We're talking about intelligent women here too, who in the past have made good decisions about guys. Just one guy comes along and as I said all bets are off. I would reckon every single one of my women mates has done this at least once. A fair few women come here with the same issue.

My mad theory? Women in society are given mixed signals. They must be madonna and whore. They must like sex, but not enough to threaten their social "virtue" and especially not threaten the men in their lives. Add in all the physical images they have to contend with as well. Am I thin/fat/big boobed/small boobed etc enough. So it's no surprise some feel bad about letting go. Then they meet a guy who they can let go with for whatever reason. Sometimes it's because he's open and trusting and genuine. Just as often he's not though. No wonder they latch onto that.

OP if you want to get clear of this, you have to accept that it's purely sexual. You know that, but you have to also see that either side of the shagging, real life and how this will affect you emotionally comes into play. If he was an entertaining willy with legs, with no past and no future then cool it's friends with benefits time, if both want that. If not and this guy isn't you need to avoid him. Until you meet a man who will turn you on, both inside and outside the bedroom. You will too. There are 3 odd billion of the buggers out there so the odds are pretty good.

Marksie

really its very simple. F*ck buddies are there for uncompicated sex, no emotion, no history.

This is not a F*ck buddy situation, its a time bomb.

You have to ask yourself, given what history and ill feeling was there, what you would acheive.
What in effect is stoppbng you going on and finding others

AARRRGH

Marksie wrote: »

This is not a F*ck buddy situation

Exactly.

If there's emotion attached, he's not a **** buddy.

It would be best for both of you if you stop seeing each other and move on.

Nevyn

I think the fact you are still making excuses for when he hit you to mean that you are still emotionally attached to him and any sort of contact which will have you in a vonerable state would be a bad thing.

He can't have been the be all and end all in bed, seriously try and be objective and not get swept up and distracted by memories.

I be you can easily list 3 things you wanted in bed he didn't do for you and 3 more that you would like to try that he would never do.

Time to move on.

trowelled

I would walk away from this one. Probably better to sever all ties completely. I once stupidly thought I could keep meeting up with an ex for random sex but it doesn't work as someone already mentioned it cannot be deemed a f*** buddy situation if there are emotions there and from the sounds of it there are. The best thing I did was to walk away, just started to ignore his messages and in time the feelings will fade. You cannot move on until you break away from this guy!!

Bottle_of_Smoke

It sounds like you still like him, but trust me, after sleeping with one of his mates he will never trust you again.

Prob best just stop wit the sex, you'll end up resenting yourself.

DD

It never works well!

RandomDave

It sounds like a horribly messy situation. There'll always be past emotions mixed in there. You'd probably just cause yourself to get more confused and messed up.

MagicMarker

tbh you both sound like children who need to grow up.

To him you're just an easy lay, that's it. I think he means a little more to you than that. Hence why it's stupid to keep doing what you're doing.

Aurora Borealis

You need to decide what it is you really want and if you think you can salvage things with this guy if that's what you want, then you need to discuss things with him and see if he feels the same. If you’re both not on the same page move on and don’t look back. It’s debilitating to be caught in a cycle like that and you both should know if you want to give this the work it might need.

LegacyUser

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

You need to decide what it is you really want and if you think you can salvage things with this guy if that's what you want, then you need to discuss things with him and see if he feels the same. If you’re both not on the same page move on and don’t look back. It’s debilitating to be caught in a cycle like that and you both should know if you want to give this the work it might need.

Well, I'm not sure what he wants as I haven't asked him yet but I don't want to give it another shot. I know in my heart it won'y work.

I do, however want to sleep with him because the sex is great. I'm pretty sure he'd happily sleep with me too for the same reasons. What I need to know is, would this work?
If neither of us wants to give it another shot, could we just have sex and go on our merry way?

Aurora Borealis

If ye were two randomers or had only ever had that level of a relationship then yeah but that is not the case here and you'd be fooling yourself in my opinion to think you could downgrade the emotions you shared like that on a continuing basis without getting hurt or at the very least confused. Steer clear in my opinion and teach someone else how to pleasure you as well as he did!

A.B.

Thaedydal thanks for editing post there. Thought I had removed formatting. Seems to be happening a lot these days. Apologies for the extra work.

How Strange

exsexex wrote: »

I do, however want to sleep with him because the sex is great. I'm pretty sure he'd happily sleep with me too for the same reasons. What I need to know is, would this work?
If neither of us wants to give it another shot, could we just have sex and go on our merry way?

Why would you want to do that? You're effectively limiting your short term relationship prospects to having a casual shag with a guy that hit you and who you're no longer compatible with.

Do you think you deserve more than that?

IMO, I think f*ck buddies are just head f*cks. The girl (nearly always) comes out of it worse off because she develops an emotional attachment and stops considering other guys. The guy if he's told straight from the beginning that there will be no emotional attachment will (nearly always) remain detached and will be on the look out for a more permanent arrangement with a new girl.

It's the same old story repeated over and over again. And no, you two aren't any different.