pub scene and men in their 30's - 40's

otnomart

Well, this started in my head as a incoherent rant and now it's turning into something much more civilized, so here it goes.
When I am out with friends at the week-end, I find great bumping into strangers of the opposite sex, and have a bit of innocent banter and flirting with such strangers.
I have accepted that (here) that's the way people start getting to know each other (or the "with a few drinks" version of each other).
The way I see it, each party gets the chance to be charming/witty and to have a nice conversation, and you never now where that can lead to.
My religion/personal philisophy does not prevent me from giving graciously my phone number to a nice knight at the end of a nice evening.
One of those nice evenings, a knight who was earning his "nice" badge trough his wit, presence, persistence and so on, really disappointed me by moving on to other shores (without asking for my phone number!) just before closing time.
As I was disappointed, I tried to think of reasons for his behaviour, and the only exaplanation I could come up with was that: I gave clear signals that I wasn't going to his castle (or inviting him to mine) that very night, and he really wanted to go home with any damsel, so that's what he did.
Do most men in their 30's - 40's really have the sole objective to go home with someone on a Saturday night?

Am I in the right forum or shall I ask the "beer and receding" chaps?

axer

otnomart wrote: »

Do most men in their 30's - 40's really have the sole objective to go home with someone on a Saturday night?

All this based on one instance?

otnomart wrote: »

Am I in the right forum or shall I ask the "beer and receding" chaps?

depends on what answer you are looking for?

Gone West

If you talked to him in medieval language, or referred to him as your knight, I think its fairly obvious why he left.

dazberry

Or maybe in that instance you didn't earn his "nice" badge?

D.

drunkmonkey

I wouldn't confine it to men in there 30's and 40's

I'd say every single person male/female/gay/bi/undecided likes the idea of a few beers and getting laid on a saturday night....

You gave off the impression you weren't going to put out so he drifted in the direction of someone that might....ya i'd say he's a typical man in the street...

Grawns

My husband told me about this before. He would persue a girl until he found out she had a boyfriend and on finding out would immediately split. If he really liked the girl and she was single he would ask for her number. ( how he met me). You probably just met someone who wasn't that into you. Or for all you know he had a girlfriend and was just looking for some easy action.

ps. The whole Knight and damsel thing is a bit OTT

Wibbs

It happens to men and women of all ages. It happens to us all at some stage or another. I've been focused on a woman only to have her move on of an evening. Chalk it up to experience or if they seem genuinely interested at the early stages, try to work out why they change their mind down the line. Usually it's just someone they think is "better" comes along. That's the long and the short of it.

I will say, the older I've gotten as a guy, the less time I have for over pursuit of someone. If I'm not moving forward, or simply having fun regardless, then I'll move on. I'd hope not to be so crass as making it too obvious(unless she thinks of me as a drink funding machine or is looking for marriage in 4 months, in which case byeeee)

drunkmonkey

drunkmonkey wrote: »

I'd say every single person male/female/gay/bi/undecided likes the idea of a few beers and getting laid on a saturday night....

Ehh lots of people don't like idea of having drunken sex with strangers.

Don't understand why op is bothered tbh.

Pen1987

For a start, and not entirely relevant, lets get this straight. People like sex.



Men cant read signals. Well most men.

You may have annoyed him with your subtle metaphors.

Maybe he wasnt attracted to you but enjoyed your conversation.

Maybe he didnt think you were attracted to him.

Maybe he thought that a women who takes a whole night to part with her phone number was a little bit too protective of her private information. (If I speak to a person for five minutes and am attracted to them I will get their phone number, fact of the matter is that between the first five and ninety seconds of an interaction people have made up their mind if they like the other person or not... the next however long of the conversation is just confirming this)

Maybe he thought the moat was too wide.

Maybe he thought you were out of his league.

Maybe he was with the other 'damsel' before he spoke with you.

Maybe he thought he was out of your league.

Maybe you reminded him of his ex-wife.

Maybe he sobered up mid-conversation after being very drunk.

Maybe he didnt think Rapunsel would let down her hair until he married her.

Maybe maybe maybe...

Beetlebum

FuzzyLogic wrote: »

If you talked to him in medieval language, or referred to him as your knight, I think its fairly obvious why he left.

Fair knight doust want to stick his sword somewhere else..heh heh

Wibbs

I have to agree with the others, the whole "damsel/knight" thing would put me off right away if brought up in conversation. Even more so if you're in your 30's yourself.

John Mason

May be he just didnt fancy you?

why would you think that every man you talk to will want your phone number

Beruthiel

otnomart wrote: »

I gave clear signals that I wasn't going to his castle (or inviting him to mine) that very night, and he really wanted to go home with any damsel, so that's what he did.

Or,
maybe he wasn't interested.

Do most men in their 30's - 40's really have the sole objective to go home with someone on a Saturday night

I don't know most men, so can't answer that.

As for the damsel/knight thingie, if that's the way your mind works then I'd suggest inventing a time machine cos that went out a few hundred years back and this century will only disappoint.

otnomart

for all your replies!
I didn't mention knights and damsels at all in the conversation with the man in question...it's just a metaphor that came up this morning.
I am not into a long courting/pursue anyway, but at the same time I don't want to have a long string of semi drunken one-night stands...
I wonder will I ever find someone who can not be put off by me not wanting to go home together the first night we meet?

Blackhorse Slim

otnomart wrote: »

I wonder will I ever find someone who can not be put off by me not wanting to go home together the first night we meet?

I'm sure you will. But probably not in a pub on a saturday (k)night.

ntlbell

otnomart wrote: »

I wonder will I ever find someone who can not be put off by me not wanting to go home together the first night we meet?

I know the point is the pub scene, but surely this wouldn't be an issue if you weren't meeting new people in the pub in the first place?

madness i know!

kmick

You gave an Irish man clear signals...Do you not know most of us dont get signals - we have no clue. Signals dont work for men. Write your number on a slip of paper and tell him to call you sometime. Thats a signal.

sunnyside

irishbird wrote: »

May be he just didnt fancy you?

why would you think that every man you talk to will want your phone number

Exactly. A lot of people can't differentiate between someone being polite and friendly and someone being attracted to them.

I'm 29 and I have a few male friends in their 40's, I think some of the older guys can be better at asking for numbers, asking people out. They aren't as shy as younger guys.

The age thing isn't all that relevant anymore because everyone from 20-50 seem to share a lot of interests these days.

otnomart

Well I base my assumption that he fancied me, on the fact that he started the conversation and also followed me from the original bar to another.
In the second bar he left out of the blue telling me where he was going next, but not asking "are you coming?"
I know life and human relationships are not an exact cause-effect science (that's what I love about life).
I'm just trying to understand more about guys minds as I don't want to give wrong signals in future.
Some of your tips I'll definitely take on board!
Like keep pen and paper to give my phone number out!

MIN2511

otnomart wrote: »

Well I base my assumption that he fancied me, on the fact that he started the conversation and also followed me from the original bar to another.
In the second bar he left out of the blue telling me where he was going next, but not asking "are you coming?"
I know life and human relationships are not an exact cause-effect science (that's what I love about life).
I'm just trying to understand more about guys minds as I don't want to give wrong signals in future.
Some of your tips I'll definitely take on board!
Like keep pen and paper to give my phone number out!

Don't be disappointed, there are many fishes in the sea!

The thing these days is we all want to be in relationships, we all want to be happy, have successful jobs etc all these we want especially wanting what we can't have. You deserve happiness, tbh i would not recommend a pub as an ideal meeting place but then again after work what else do people do? We all say cookery classes, charities etc, tbh how many of us actually do join such groups/organisations? It's either pubs/work/interweb for everyone

sunnyside

otnomart wrote: »

Some of your tips I'll definitely take on board!
Like keep pen and paper to give my phone number out!

That sounds a bit desperate to be honest. Do you plan on giving your number to numerous men?

Nevyn

You went out with a goal of meeting someone to go on a date with.
He went out with a goal of meeting someone to go to bed with that night.
Your goals were not compatible and on figuring this out he moved on.

No mystery no foul it's just you had non compatible goals better luck next time.

otnomart

sunnyside wrote: »

That sounds a bit desperate to be honest. Do you plan on giving your number to numerous men?

Nope, just to the ones I might happen to like!
It's just I never thought of doing it, but after reading the advise it make sense!

MJOR

Some People out in the pub like to get their rocks off plain and simple! No other way of describing it really.

It's what a lot of men women do.

It wouldn't be my personal choice either but that is what happens.

480905

otnomart wrote: »

(without asking for my phone number!)

Why didn't you get his number ? Maybe he didn't know you were interested.

ryoishin

OP - welcome to a mans world, put in the effort and get no where.

Keep at it though.

jesus_thats_gre

FuzzyLogic wrote: »

If you talked to him in medieval language, or referred to him as your knight, I think its fairly obvious why he left.

Exactly. I was reading the original post and couldn't help wonder whether the OP was demented..

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

chump

He may have spotted a younger fitter filly who was more eager ...

OP, from reading this thread are you perhaps quite cryptic, possibly evasive in how you communicate? Do you act quite demure?

You could easily have looked to be a bit much work for this one lad and so he moved on.

The more I think about your post the more awful it is.
What are you looking for from it? Some attention?
If you're looking for an explanation of how a man's mind works I don't think this is the forum.

otnomart

chump wrote: »

OP, from reading this thread are you perhaps quite cryptic, possibly evasive in how you communicate? Do you act quite demure?.

Yes, I am realizing from talking to my friends and to you guys that maybe I am too criptic and should communicate in a different/clearer way

chump wrote: »

The more I think about your post the more awful it is.
What are you looking for from it? Some attention?
If you're looking for an explanation of how a man's mind works I don't think this is the forum.

Nope, I was looking for replies, not attention!
I genuinely don't know what men might think in these situations, so I am learning a lot today.

Marksie

otnomart wrote: »

Well, this started in my head as a incoherent rant and now it's turning into something much more civilized, so here it goes.

I would have stuck with the incoherent rant having read this.

otnomart wrote: »

When I am out with friends at the week-end, I find great bumping into strangers of the opposite sex, and have a bit of innocent banter and flirting with such strangers.

Yes, fine thats good, part of the dating game and the general social scene

otnomart wrote: »

I have accepted that (here) that's the way people start getting to know each other (or the "with a few drinks" version of each other).

You have accpeted that? It was there before you and will be there after you..but its very gracious of you to acknoledge that mere mortals can interrelate that way?

otnomart wrote: »

The way I see it, each party gets the chance to be charming/witty and to have a nice conversation, and you never now where that can lead to.

Have you thought of dinner parties, poetry readings and the collected works of noel coward and Oscar Wilde.
Pubs may be too lowbrow

otnomart wrote: »

My religion/personal philisophy does not prevent me from giving graciously my phone number to a nice knight at the end of a nice evening.

Amish?..no they dont use phones at all...
Its at this point with delving back into the age of chivalry things crystallise, does the word daddies little princess apply?

otnomart wrote: »

One of those nice evenings, a knight who was earning his "nice" badge trough his wit, presence, persistence and so on, really disappointed me by moving on to other shores (without asking for my phone number!) just before closing time.?

So what does that leave us with..someone who expects people to be so urbanely witty, chivalric and (Uuugh) Nice that it tots up on a score card.
But lo and behold he cops on and decides sleeping beauty can remain innaccessible

otnomart wrote: »

As I was disappointed, I tried to think of reasons for his behaviour, and the only exaplanation I could come up with was that: I gave clear signals that I wasn't going to his castle (or inviting him to mine) that very night, and he really wanted to go home with any damsel, so that's what he did.?

Why were you disappointed..its agame you are playing..he didn't play it, you lost?

Perhaps he realised that the ivory tower was the best place for you to stay... that breaching the walls, storming the portcullis to find the entrance would not be worth the effort.

otnomart wrote: »

Do most men in their 30's - 40's really have the sole objective to go home with someone on a Saturday night??

Do most women talking to men in their 30s and 40s have the sole objective of point scoring and writing what they belive to be amusing stories to regal us in PI?
Some will, some wont. They wont go home with anyone with an attitude, not that you would take anyopne home, but be careful. At some point you may realsie that all the good yeomen have scattered and your left with the shreks.

otnomart wrote: »

Am I in the right forum or shall I ask the "beer and receding" chaps?

No i dont think you are in the right forum TBH. Its not a personal issue in the way yuo think it is as it is not about how others act but about how you act to others.

DublinWriter

otnomart wrote: »

Do most men in their 30's - 40's really have the sole objective to go home with someone on a Saturday night?

Nope - most of us have the sole objective of getting home at a reasonable hour before the baby-sitter starts calling SIPTU and/or Joe Duffy.

AARRRGH

From reading your posts OP, I think I have a reasonably clear picture of what kind of person you are. This is my advice: you are not suited to the pub scene. Join an acting class or something and meet someone there.

King of Kings

i recall an episode of friends where rachel complained to monica that if she kept referring to "her flower" nobody would take it.
for some reason your post brought back that memory to me.

otherwise i'm with marksie's reply - although he put it better than I would have bothered.

CPT. SURF

Nope - most of us have the sole objective of getting home at a reasonable hour before the baby-sitter starts calling SIPTU and/or Joe Duffy.

Brilliant!

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

nhughes100

Why didn't u say to him when he was making his exit manouver - Maybe we can do this again some time, here's my number? I'd say he prob didn't think he was getting anywhere - agree with other poster that most men can't read signs especially as they differ from woman to woman! As an early 30's single male I can safely say I'd have taken most women's number if she said this to me. Anyway I normally go out of Fridays and Sundays instead of Saturday lol.

the_syco

otnomart wrote: »

As I was disappointed, I tried to think of reasons for his behaviour, and the only exaplanation I could come up with was that: I gave clear signals that I wasn't going to his castle (or inviting him to mine) that very night, and he really wanted to go home with any damsel, so that's what he did.

Us men don't read signals well, and if he took this one signal wrongly, he may have thought "damn, she has someone waiting for her back home, hell with this", and fled.

AARRRGH

the_syco wrote: »

Us men don't read signals well, and if he took this one signal wrongly, he may have thought "damn, she has someone waiting for her back home, hell with this", and fled.

Or that she's clearly not interested, yet she's still talking to me, so maybe she's a psycho?

The Mighty Ken

Pen1987 wrote: »

Men cant read signals.

Translation: Women are afraid to make the first move and expect men to pick up on 'signals'. Lads, get your tinfoil hats out. Cop out TBH.

OP - The pub scene's probably not for you.

Liam Byrne

How's about this for a scenario ? He was having a friendly chat/laugh with you, then saw someone that he actually fancied, and so left to "pursue" her ?

I've often been chatting away having a laugh with someone, without a single signal even registering, having fun and not even stopping to think whether or not I'm going to "score" - if it's fun I don't care and I'm in the age group mentioned by the OP

And usually one of my gang arrives up and says "We're off to the chipper - are you coming or are you "in" there ?", at which point I realise that - while I mightn't have said no, I could have been wasting the girl's time / misleading her.....

Interaction with other humans is a strange one at the best of times.....

I also got a number from someone one night - un-asked for - except when I rang her she said "I've got a boyfriend - sorry!"

So the mixed/confusing "signals" aren't solely by guys, y'know......and they mightn't even be deliberate, either.

One good approach, if you start to feel annoyed/bitter about an encounter, is to reverse the scenario....if you'd been chatting to someone and had seen someone you preferred, would you have done the same as he did ?

Zzippy

otnomart wrote: »

Do most men in their 30's - 40's really have the sole objective to go home with someone on a Saturday night?

No. Can't speak for most men, but I'm quite happy with a phone number and the chance of a date the following week. All in its own good time...

littlefriend

nhughes100 wrote: »

I normally go out of Fridays and Sundays instead of Saturday

QFT totally different type person on Friday and Sunday nights

otnomart

just wanted to say to all: thanks for the comments and I have given thought to everything was written to me.
I also admit outch/touche' on a few raw nerves (but that still falls under personal issues, right?)
When I meet somebody that I really like, my "objective" (as some of you put it, or my aim, my hope or whatever you want to call it) is to be asked for my phone number and have the chance of a date and get to know each other better in the very near future.
"Be asked" by the way in not due to "pedestal" or beeing stuck up; for me it's the only way to know that the other one is interested.
I have been thinking I give the right signals to that effect, but now I know I was wrong and will try to address that (and maybe the "be asked" issue).
Cheers

zAbbo

So you wait to be asked, while he waits for the signals that he won't be able to ready anyway.

It's not terribly complicated, if you're stuck, the new Batman is out next week, a nice evening with the knight, and he's sure to leave you satisfied

AARRRGH

otnomart wrote: »

When I meet somebody that I really like, my "objective" (as some of you put it, or my aim, my hope or whatever you want to call it) is to be asked for my phone number and have the chance of a date and get to know each other better in the very near future.

I don't think I've ever asked a girl for her number - it's always offered to me.

I guess this means it's normal for the girl to offer her number.

So, instead of patiently waiting for the guy to ask, just offer it to him.