Quick Golf Un's

rocky25

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, Multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to You?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole,

we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough,

there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's girlie bits.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recently I was asked to play in a golf outing.

At first I said, "Naaahhh...."

Then they said to me, "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids".

Then I thought..........

SIHT -- I could win this thing!!!

mickrourke

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.

He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she gives him the best oral sex he's ever had.

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bástárd," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bástárd. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"

Oman

all of them brilliant especially the first one

ericl

rocky25 wrote: »

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, Multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to You?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole,

we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough,

there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's girlie bits.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'


Very Good.:D:D

The Bollox

they were brilliant. I heard the second one before but I love it. well done lads

jaykay74

Sorry in advance :pac::pac:


When golf first started, one under par was a birdie, two under par was an eagle and three under par was a partridge.

They had to change that because you couldn't get a partridge on a par three.

Queen-Mise

love the partridge, brilliant

Gary ITR

jaykay74 wrote: »

Sorry in advance :pac::pac:


When golf first started, one under par was a birdie, two under par was an eagle and three under par was a partridge.

They had to change that because you couldn't get a partridge on a par three.

You made me bang my head on the wall

Dizzyblonde

Mary was limping into the clubhouse in obvious pain and met her friend Angela.

Angela; 'What's wrong Mary?'

Mary; 'I got an awful injury out on the course'

Angela; 'Where?'

Mary; 'Between the first and second hole'

Angela; 'That's terrible, Mary, and you know you'll never get a plaster to stick there!!'

shrapnel222

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.

rocky25

shrapnel222 wrote: »

AThe man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.

Nice,

Have some Boobies :eek:

http://www.brightcove.tv/title.jsp?title=1138039266

The Bollox

shrapnel222 wrote: »

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.

nice. I'll be using that one the pub

dak

Every golf joke under the sun ! Bar the Partridge one ! LOL


http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055171734&highlight=golf+jokes

dak

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I 'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."