At war with myself

totalfruitloop

On Friday my boyfriend and I had a huge fight. Later that night I got drunk and texted him to ask if he had left me (he didn’t leave me, we had a fight and he went home) because I was useless in bed. He has never, ever, given me any indication that he thinks that.


That’s how it started. I went on texting him, calling myself horrible, terrible things. I didn’t call him any names, all of this hate-filled bile was directed at myself. A barrage of insults. When I woke up on Saturday I felt hollow inside. It was like finding out that someone within your circle of friends actually loathes and despises you. But, the person that I realised hates me, is me! I’m probably not making any sense but it feels as though I’m in an abusive relationship. With myself. I’m torturing myself. I obviously vehemently hate myself, but I’m not sure why. Imagine waking up to find someone has texted you to tell you that they hate you, that you’re a wh0re, that you’re worthless and useless and stupid and they wish you hadn’t been born. Imagine how painful it would be to find out that someone thinks like that about you. Now imagine that it’s actually you who feels this way. That’s what I’m dealing with right now.


I was always aware of this, to a degree. I explained it (probably very clumsily)as “there’s someone inside me who doesn’t like me”. But now that seems like the tip of the iceberg. Whatever part of me that “doesn’t like me” actually viciously despises me!


I used to cut myself. Usually my arms but occasionally in other places too. I’ve been asked why but the only answer I could give is that it was a release. It would make me feel better, calm me down. I haven’t done it in over two years but I’ve started instead to mentally torture myself.


The only thing I can think of that could be a catalyst is that lately, over the past three or four weeks, I’ve been gaining a lot of confidence in myself. I’ve been starting to feel really good about myself and positive. I’m wondering if that’s why “the part of me that hates me” decided to attack. Jealous of my growing confidence and wanting to take it away from me. Like a kind of self-sabotage. This “other part of me” was sickened by the fact that I was starting to like myself so she ripped me apart like a rabid dog.


I’ve always been somewhat “not quite right in the head”. From as long as I can remember, even as a child. I would lock myself in my bedroom and cry and cry and cry for hours. Whenever I was asked why I was crying I wouldn’t be able to answer. To this day I still don’t know the answer. I still sometimes lie down and cry for hours. Not very often. When I do this I tend to cry until my head hurts so much that I physically can’t cry anymore and then try to drift off to sleep.


My boyfriend is convinced that something happened to me in my past that affected me then and is still affecting me now. If that’s true then I genuinely don’t know what it is. Since Friday nights attack on myself I have convinced myself to realise the seriousness and gravity of the situation. I need help. I’ve always been, I think too afraid, in the past to try to get help. I think it’s because I’m afraid of finding out the answer. But now it’s gone beyond that. I’m more afraid of what might happen to me if I continue living with this time-bomb inside me. I’m starting to worry that I might hate myself so much, I might do something very stupid.


I had to get that off my chest. I had to write it down and structure it into words. I know my boyfriend wants me to go for counselling and I will need to be able to put this into words then so I needed some practise. Thank you for listening.

Nevyn

Go talk to your dr and get a referal to see someone.

http://www.pieta.ie/about-us.php

Storm_rages

Hi,

Your post was very moving and honest..

i think counselling would really help, sometimes it can unlock things in and just help us ..

I think talking about it may help you understand why you have such strong feelings against yourself..

and well done for not cutting yourself thats a very hard thing to give up..

Be strong and ask for help

MJOR

Talk to your GP.

Good on you as old habits die hard!

Hope you feel better soon x

How Strange

OP, take the first step to liking yourself and seek out therapy

[HTML]http://www.irish-counselling.ie/[/HTML]

Try this website, they can give you a list of counsellors in your area.

Plek Trum

You have done the hardest part by being honest with yourself and admitting that you need help. Be strong now and follow through and see your GP - it can be scarey and daunting going in to your GP's and being honest but believe me that is the hardest part done with.

Speaking as someone with experience, you WILL be very relieved once you begin your counselling. Your post above was very clear and concise and this will definately help you. Best of luck and congrats with your decision to mind yourself properly - things will improve for sure *hugs* x

totalfruitloop

I would like to thank you all for your kind words of support. You have encouraged me to see it through. I don't know what's going to happen with the counseller, but at least I am now determined to find out.

You see, when I was a teenager I was forced to go for counselling. I didn't exactly enjoy it or find it in any way helpful. But I am assured that going as an adult will be completely different. The fact that it is I who want to be there will be the first major difference, I'm not just there because I have to be.

If I do have a bad experience (again) with a counseller I will have to try to not let it put me off, find another one. I don't even what what I'm scared of. But anyway, like I said, I'm now more afraid of not going to see somebody.

token56

Your story sounds very familar to me in more than one ways, because I have went through this myself and also an ex-girlfriend. The best advice I can give you is to seek counselling. After doing some very stupid things I was pretty much forced to seek counselling and its the best decision I ever made. It took alot of hard work to get over my problems and it will probably be the same for you, but as they say nothing worth having comes easy and its worth it.

So maybe seeing your local GP first and then with their help seek counselling. Dont let it foster anymore.

Curvy Vixen

totalfruitloop wrote: »

I would like to thank you all for your kind words of support. You have encouraged me to see it through. I don't know what's going to happen with the counseller, but at least I am now determined to find out.

You see, when I was a teenager I was forced to go for counselling. I didn't exactly enjoy it or find it in any way helpful. But I am assured that going as an adult will be completely different. The fact that it is I who want to be there will be the first major difference, I'm not just there because I have to be.

If I do have a bad experience (again) with a counseller I will have to try to not let it put me off, find another one. I don't even what what I'm scared of. But anyway, like I said, I'm now more afraid of not going to see somebody.

It's not even about having a 'bad experience' with a counsellor...sometimes you just don't click with the person you're talking to...

I've been in personal and relationship counselling a few times and have changed counsellors just because I knew it wasn't working with that person ~ one lady got me to 'gather my spiritual thoughts' when I arrived and told me to 'go in peace' when I left. I changed her just because I'm really not a spiritual/holy type of person and I knew it wouldn't work with her!

Good luck with working through this..

Karen_*

Look around at all the people who love you and like you OP. Your friends, your borfriend and your family. They can't be all wrong about you. You're wrong about you, you're not any of the horrible things you think about yourself.

Its going to take time to convince yourself of this and counselling really will help you. And you've taken the big step of recognising whats going on. We all need a bit of help from time to time with things so give the counselling a go. You're worth it:)