Opening lines

Livvie

Maybe the most important part of a book is the beginning - I know some people will not bother to read on if they don't get hooked immediately.

I'd appreciate feedback on this for an opening.

It seemed like a dream, but she knew it wasn't. She was dying and she could hear the compassionate voice of the priest administering the Last Rites over her broken body. As her life slipped into the past, memories returned unbidden and unwelcome, of a time she'd tried to forget. Suppressed memories that if acknowledged would have created more guilt than she could ever have dealt with. She thought of Luke, and the life he had endured because of her weakness and insecurities, and her fading heart filled with an overwhelming sense of love for the son whose fate was unknown to her.

"May God - and Luke - forgive me" was her last earthly thought.

tinkletoes

It's very hard to make any judgements on it or get a feel for the story. Could you post up more of it maybe? Then could give you feedback.

pookie82

This is a prologue, I presume? Or is it the beginning of a chapter? it's a little bit cliched but not bad. In general, however, it's advised a lot nowadays not to write prologues and get straight into the story, as they're often skimmed over or even skipped by readers! If you were insisting on a prologue I'd make it a lot longer so that it's unavoidably taken into account. I know that your objective is to build suspense/intrigue but don't overdo it on the dramatics. It's not bad though!

brianthebard

uh ito trying to grap the readers attention its a little clunky.theres nothing hugely shocking in the first line or two,and phrases like unbidden and unwelcome slow the reader from finding out more,and are just unnecessary tbh.hope thats not too harsh.

Livvie

brianthebard wrote: »

uh ito trying to grap the readers attention its a little clunky.theres nothing hugely shocking in the first line or two,and phrases like unbidden and unwelcome slow the reader from finding out more,and are just unnecessary tbh.hope thats not too harsh.

Not at all. Writing goes hand in hand with accepting honest criticism. (I'm suddenly thinking of Mrs Doyle trying to assure Ted that she likes the teasmade. )

It is a short prologue, followed by the first chapter and a scene shift. I want to keep it, but I've never been totally happy with it, and I appreciate the input.

brianthebard

well some people are more precious about their work than others!i don't think a prologue is a bad idea,if its quite short and snappy.try to show the reader whats happening,rather than describing it if that makes sense.so the first line could be a few words from the last rites for example.i could attempt a rewrite to give you an idea of how it might look,if thats not overstepping the mark?

Livvie

brianthebard wrote: »

well some people are more precious about their work than others!i don't think a prologue is a bad idea,if its quite short and snappy.try to show the reader whats happening,rather than describing it if that makes sense.so the first line could be a few words from the last rites for example.i could attempt a rewrite to give you an idea of how it might look,if thats not overstepping the mark?

Not overstepping at all....I can already see your point. Thank you.

brianthebard

oops put my foot in it now.ok a quick attempt: 'now and at the hour of our death.amen.' the solemn tones of the priest sounded fainter with each passing minute.no longer able to fight,harsh memories flooded her weakened mind.love and despair threatened to tear her apart as she remembered the son she had failed.she hadn't seen him in so long... 'may god-and luke-forgive me' was her last desperate prayer. i don't know how the last rites go so you'd have to find that out for the first line.

Livvie

brianthebard wrote: »

oops put my foot in it now.ok a quick attempt: 'now and at the hour of our death.amen.' the solemn tones of the priest sounded fainter with each passing minute.no longer able to fight,harsh memories flooded her weakened mind.love and despair threatened to tear her apart as she remembered the son she had failed.she hadn't seen him in so long... 'may god-and luke-forgive me' was her last desperate prayer. i don't know how the last rites go so you'd have to find that out for the first line.

That'll teach me to be lazy....I attempted a rewrite, taking your thoughts and example into account, and instead of opening a word doc. I just used an email template. I thought I was doing quite well, and then AOL crashed. If I can put it together again, I'd like to PM it to you, if that's OK? Or post it here again, if I'm brave enough.

brianthebard

Yeah that would be grand Livvie, I'd love to help if I can.

elleA

It's definitely striking enough to make me want to keep reading... but for how long? I don't know. There is something about the writing style that doesn't quite rest with me. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think it is that it doesn't feel human. It seems almost robotic. A bit too matter of fact to evoke any emotion. I agree with brianthebard that words like "unbidden" and "unwelcome" can be off-putting to the reader. They're a bit clunky but I get what you were going for. Personally, I like short prologues and as I said, I would like to read more of this from just reading your prologue. Good luck with writing the rest of it!

Livvie

Thanks Elle....life is in one if it's hectic modes atm, so I haven't had chance to do any writing...but I appreciate your comments and will take them on board.

Ornnbiee

I read it and was interested to see what would happen next which is key but maybe it doesn't initially engage the reader ... I hope you don't mind the suggestion but what about something short and punchy that immediately involves the reader. I suppose I'm thinking of something like, "Is this a dream?" or "Was it a dream?" or "Am I dreaming?" basically anything to get away from the word "seemed" ... Thats based on your original post but perhaps you're well-past this opening line by now!!

Livvie

Ornnbiee wrote: »

I read it and was interested to see what would happen next which is key but maybe it doesn't initially engage the reader ... I hope you don't mind the suggestion but what about something short and punchy that immediately involves the reader. I suppose I'm thinking of something like, "Is this a dream?" or "Was it a dream?" or "Am I dreaming?" basically anything to get away from the word "seemed" ... Thats based on your original post but perhaps you're well-past this opening line by now!!

Just a bit - like 100k words past it. But I'm definitely working on a revamp of the prologue based on the constructive comments I've had. I keep getting interrupted by people who expect me to cook or iron though. I'm sure Maeve Binchy & co. don't get this problem.

Thanks for your comments.

brianthebard

Keep at it livvie i want to read this book!Ironing is useful life experience for writing.

JustHalf

You should try it in the first person. Here's my quick suggestion:

--

It seemed like a dream to me, but I knew it wasn't. I was dying.

If I strained, I could hear the priest speak the Last Rites over my broken body, but even that was slipping away from me, replaced with memories that returned unbidden and unwelcome. Memories of a time I had tried to forget. Memories that made me heavy with guilt as I sank further away from the world.

As I went, I thought of my son Luke. Of the life he had suffered for my weaknesses. Did he still suffer? Did he still live at all?

"May God - and Luke - forgive me" I thought, and then I left the earth.

Matt Holck

tragic that he didn't know if Luke was still alive