Falling off the edge

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Im a regular poster but have decided to go unregged for this one. Im sitting here in the kitchen and Im just trying to formulate my thoughts into some sort of coherent pattern. Writing it down seems like a good idea and maybe someone out there will be able to help orientate me as to what to do next. This is an intimate post and Im a bit paranoid about putting the details down.

Here the life at the moment. I havent left the house in two weeks. I went to the shop a day last wek but its all a bit blurry. I havent worked since Jan and my money is running out fast. I have looked for jobs but getting to any interview is not happenning. I dont want to leave the house. I dont know why but I cant pick up the courage to go out. Im getting up later and later every day and going to bed later and later at night. I fee like Im sinking and sometimes I catch myself just staring off into space and half an hour has been lost since I last looked at the clock. I feel like my energy has been sapped.


The last four years have been horrendous, although everything was going back on track. I broke up with the father of my baby in December. We had a child and last year she died. We have no contact whatsoever, in fact he didnt even help me move out of our flat. He stayed away and gave me the time I needed to move out, which was fair enough. Im happy to be out of the relationship itself but miss the company I suppose, no matter how bad it got. He wasnt the nicest of men, but I was young when we got togeather, ninteen, Im 30 now. I still keep all the doors locked and the windows closed and the houe doors closed. It freaks me out if anyone calls to the house. When someone knocks at the door, I hide in the bathroom until they go.

So I moved into a new place, my own little place. If you saw the state of it at the moment, you would think a bomb had hit it. I was so tidy before but now I just cant seem to get it togeather. I sit here thinking I have to do it, ffs, something simple like tidying makes my head hurt and I try to sit still and try not to feel everything closing in on me. And then I freeze nd dont move from the table for hours. I feel like Im in a circular glass tube and I cant put my hand too far out or Ill hit the invisible glass.

Ive been drinking way too much. I scared myself the other week when I opened a bottle just to get drunk. I just wanted to be out of it and start again tomorrow. Ive been sinking fags and solphadine and dope and pills like its going out of fashion. Its about 2pm now and I havent had a joint and I really miss the fuzzy feeling. Theres vokda in the press, but I dont really want to hit it this early, but I might just have a little one to pass the day.

I dont think I can move from this table. I just want to sit here and ----I dont know, just sit here. This sounds strange, but Im planning a trip to the bedroom to brush my teeth. Not yet, but maybe later. I dont want to avert my eyes from the screen. I might see something.

I think Im having some sort of meltdown. I see the grass blowing in the breeze outside, but I know I cant go out there. I need a shower, but I cant take one. I need a drink, but I cant move from this table. I can hear my neighbours but cant understand what they are saying. I cant answer the phone because I dont want to talk to anyone. I just want to sit here away from everyone and everything. I feel like Im standing a ledge about to fall off. My mind is going places that it shouldnt be going. back and forth,back and forth and the intensity of thought in there is something I feel like I am looking at or hearing as opposed to having these thoughts myself and thats the scariest bit I think. Its like Im losing control of my own headspace.

Im sorry about the length of this post. If anyone has any starting points, Id really appreciate it. I dont want to go to the doctor as Im afraid he will put me away if I tell him the truth.

Wibbs

You have been through the mill in these recent times. The losses in your life have been incredibly traumatic. How you feel is a reaction to that(duuuh I hear you say ).

All these things have finally caught up to you and here you are. What you've gone through would catch up with the best of us, one way or another.

I know you think going to your GP is a non starter. I think you're wrong. You need help and you're not getting it at the moment. You don't have to go through this on your own. There is help available and put out of your mind that you'll be "put away".

Maybe look through the sticky at the top of this forum to see what options other than your GP are. Maybe give someone like AWARE a call to find out those options.

Dizzyblonde

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but there is help out there for you. If you can't get out to see your doctor, phone the surgery and ask for your doctor to come and see you. Or phone AWARE or one of the other groups listed in the sticky.
The fact that you've shared your feelings here is a very good thing and admitting that you have a problem is a great start. Lots of people go through what you're suffering now, and it could be a reaction to losing your child. If you seek help you'll be able to get back on track and have a full life - and you deserve it. Good luck.

microgirl

You need to go to a doctor. You really, really, really, really do. He won't "put you away", I promise. But he will be able to get the ball rolling on helping you. I'm not a medical professional, but I am a sufferer, and you are describing to a T clinical depression. Now there might be other mitigating circumstances, other factors to be taken into account, so I'm not saying you *have* clinical depression (see above caveat about not being a professional) but you are describing it and please believe me when I say that whatever the situation is it's not normal, you should not expect yourself to be able to handle it on your own, and your doctor can help.

I understand your reluctance; it took many years of poking from my friends before I finally went to a doctor and was 100% honest with him. But the difference since I did that (though I still have a way to go) is brilliant.

Just tell him like you told us. It doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't matter that you think it sounds stupid, or even if you know it's ridiculous. The reality is you can't get past the difficulties, even if you know you should. And your doctor will understand that.

You've taken your first step on what may turn out to be a horrendously long and tortuous path, but is worth it in the end, and you are to be commended for that first step

Nevyn

Hi Head Space Req, sounds like you have had soo much to deal with and as soon as things stopped happening and you got some time and space everything just fell in on you.
It happens been there myself found my self barely functioning.

You have taken the first step in knowing that really you can't keep on with the distractions to numb you from your loss and grief. The drink and the pills and what ever else may get to through the day but really there comes a point were you have to start taking steps to get out of the cave you have put yourself in.

Is there anyone you can text you can come into your house and not be judgmental and make you a cup of tea, give you a hug and in a non intrusive manner even do the washing up to make a start or a dent in changing things so you can eventually carry on afterwards ?

It's rough but you have to learn to breath again with out the brain spinning out to place and toughts and things that hurt.

You have to start talking which can be where you are the hardest thing to do. No one is going to know you need help unless you let them know and let them be there for you.

Trust me the dr won't put you away, any chance s/he can call to the house to see you and that someone could go fill what ever prescription you get given ?

As for simple things to make a start and make a change I would suggest you put on hot water for a bath or shower and get yourself clean and you open some windows to try air the place out and light an oil burner or scented candle start with that, change the air and smell of the place and yourself.

What is the Aware Helpline?
The Aware Helpline is a non directive listening service for people who experience depression and concerned family and friends. The Helpline offers a non judgemental listening ear to people who may be distressed or worried, or just need someone to talk to. You can also call the helpline if you are worried about someone who may be depressed or for information about depression or Aware services.

When can I call the Aware Helpline?
The Helpline is open seven days a week from 10am-10pm. From Thursday to Sunday, the helpline also operates until 1am. Please remember that the helpline can be busy and some calls can last quite a while, so if you're trying to get through, please bear with us and don't give up.

Will my call be confidential?
All calls are treated with strict confidentiality. All calls are anonymous. No one will ever be told that you have contacted us, and no third parties will be contacted.
How much does it cost to call the Aware helpline?
Calls to the Helpline are charged at local rate from anywhere in Ireland. (If you are living outside Ireland and wish to access the Aware Helpline you can call 01 6766 166.)

LegacyUser

Hello all,

Thank you for the replies. I appreciate your time and effort in your response.

I have put the emersion on and am waiting for the water to heat up. I think I might have bath instead of a shower. Ive been sitting here thinking about my girl. Every bit of me screams out for her every single second of every single day. I cant help it. I want her back so much its torture.

I have to block her out of my mind. I can hear her. I cant bear her.
Thank you for the advice given on AWARE. Ill have a read of the website after. I KNOW Im at a make or break point here. If I dont start taking steps, I dont know where Im going to end up. The nuthouse probably, most likely. I was examining the option of just checking my mind out altogeather. Just stare into space and answer nobody forever. Im sure I could make my mind go. It feels like its barely there as it is. But Im typing so it must be. It wouldnt be so bad. I could just think about her all teh time forever until I died. I think thats what I really want to do.

Maybe I am mad already.

Nevyn

Baths are good, letting yourself cry in the bath is even better imho.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/death/bereavement-counselling-and-support/bereavement_counselling_andsupport_services

Although everyone's personal reaction to a bereavement is different, most people experience some of the following emotional responses when someone close to them dies:

* Disbelief
* Shock
* Anger
* Sadness
* Relief
* Guilt
* Depression
* Anxiety
* Despair
* Longing
* Loneliness

These emotions normally occur, however, some or more of these responses may be experienced for differing lengths of time, depending on the individual. The main initial responses to a death - even one that has long been expected - are disbelief, shock and anger. These may lessen in time and can be followed by a sense of guilt, depression, anxiety and despair. You may also feel an acute sense of longing for the dead person, hopelessness at the thought of their absence, loneliness and sadness at their loss or even a sense of relief that they are gone (which may, in turn, lead to feelings of guilt).

Some physical symptoms experienced after bereavement can be quite acute and distressing. It is important to realise that these are normal parts of the grieving process and will pass in time. Physical reactions may include:

* loss of energy and interest in life
* an inability to sleep or constant tiredness
* poor concentration and forgetfulness
* loss of appetite or compulsive comfort eating
* a "frozen" inability to cry or a tendency to continuously burst into tears
* nausea and/or diarrhoea
* headaches and unexplained body pains

http://www.thehealthclinic.ie/sub_category.php?cat_name=Counselling%20and%20Therapy&cat=4&sub_cat=35

Splendour

Hi Head Space Req,


given what you've gone/are going through it's no wonder you feel like you do.
You are not going mad, your feelings are perfectly normal given the circumstances. Losing a child is the most horrific thing you will ever have to face in this life.

How old your daughter was when she died?
Have you had any counselling at all since her death?
Have you parents/friends you can talk to?
Can you call your Doctor and ask for him/her to visit you? They might if you explain how you're feeling...


You poor love, if nothing else, keep posting here...

xx

yawnstretch

Hi Head Space.

just wanted to say hi

LegacyUser

greetings head space, Your bereavement i cant help you with, its tragic. However the amount of substance ie. Alcohol and dope your consuming, would be the first thing you need to stop. If your consumption is as bad as you say it is, no wonder you cant form a thought, focus or have the courage to leave the house, i had similar feelings to this from substance abuse and thats without any tragedy in my life. I believe if you stop all these bad habits, life will start falling into place and become more 'natural' if that makes sense.

goodluck!