Boyfriend's mysterious family past...

LegacyUser

Hi. It would be great to hear people's opinions on this situation....

My boyfriend's parents are divorced. (we're both in our early twenties and have been going out for about 6 months).

I met his dad, months ago. He took us out for meals and seemed really cool. The other day, I met my boyfriend's mum for the first time. We were talking away+ as soon as my boyfriend left the table (we were having coffee), she started telling me about my boyfriend's dad... saying that he is a paedophille and that her other children hate him etc... but that my boyfriend has blocked it all out. I don't think I should bring it up just yet, with my boyfriend... but has any one experienced something like this?. I just hope it's not seriously affecting him. And also- I'm not sure how to react around his dad next time we meet either. I'd love to ask him out straight what he did to my boyfriend, but I would never.
His mum said that she tried to bring him to councilling, but he wouldn't go.
If anyone has any advice on whether or not it's a good idea to ever mention this, (perhaps based on their own experiences), it would be appreciated. Thanks. It was strange to get landed with all that, on a first meeting with his mum.

BroomBurner

Heya,

That's tough going having that landed on you so soon. It could be that the dad hasn't actually done something but his mother is very bitter and trying to sully him. Then again, she could be telling the truth. Either way, it's not something she should have done after just meeting you.

As for broaching the topic, maybe start talking about families in general, see what his reaction is. Can you live with not knowing? Would knowing something bad about his family change your opinion of him?

Good luck with everything.

TPD

Why did your boyfriend wait so long to introduce you to his mum? She could be one of those compulsive liar types, so dont take everything she says as truth. At least talk to his other siblings before doing or saying anything.

sickpuppy32

yeah the mum sounds dodgy, what are her reasons for telling you something like that. Kids of divorced and bitter parents can suffer from parental alienation syndrom were they have been poisoned by one parent ( usually the mother ) against the other, when the kids grow up and realise daddy isn't as evil as mum says, they tend to distance themselves from both parents.

Schnooks

OP

Not sure that you should believe this rather bitter woman TBH. What an awful thing to say to you in the few moments you were alone with her.

I suppose the best way to proceed would be to find out the REAL circumastances of the marriage breakup from your boyfriend or others in the family.

Was the husband playing around? Is he with someone now? Have you met any of your BF's siblings? How do they seem?

Gut instinct here is that this woman was well out of order to bring this up and I would seriously doubt if it is true.

If there was any truth to this, I doubt she would be discussing it with an early 20's girl who she had just met - no disrespect to yourself intended

Miss Fluff

Tell your boyfriend what his Mum said and see how he reacts. You've no other way of knowing really tbh.

sickpuppy32

yeah that will definitely seal the end of his relationship with his mother and maybe even with you- dont be that silly

Blackjack

Sounds like BWS to me - Bitter Woman Syndrome.

Tread carefully

sunny2004

Schnooks wrote: »

OP

Not sure that you should believe this rather bitter woman TBH.

How do you know this ?

LadyE

I think you should wait, hold off and see if he brings it up. If he wants to talk about it then he will.

Act normal in front of the dad too..you dont know if this is all true!

Schnooks

sunny2004 wrote: »

How do you know this ?

I don't know this. I don't know anything, but I am offering my opinion that it is highly unusual that a woman basically corners her son's girlfriend for a few mins and comes out with this, rather admittedly, massive revelation that could wreck all their lives.

The OP has already met the father a few times and got on ok with him, as her BF seems to. And as another poster said, why is she meeting the mother only now?

As I said earlier, I would like to know why Mam and Dad split up - I doubt it was because of what Mam has been saying to OP.

To form peoper opinions here, we need to know more info. But that woman was well out of order in what she said to OP under the circumstances.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Find out about her mum. Its very weird she'd say that to you on a first meeting. That said if it were truehe would try to discredit her.

Schnooks

And, at the risk of incurring the wrath of others, the old "abuse accusation" has been wronfully used by women in the past when things get bitter during break-ups.

As a single father who has a fantastic relationship with my ex and my son (2 days a week he's here), I think that is the lowest a woman could sink to when things start heading south.

And like it or not, it is always the woman who makes these accusations, and in most cases they are unfounded - just the result of bitterness and rejection.

jimmycrackcorm

Maybe:
Divorced Dad - cool and succesfull
Son - happy to to go out to meals with said dad.
Divorced bitter mum couldn't wait 5 minutes to trash said dad.

LegacyUser

Hi op,i have a lot of experience with abuse in my own family,and my dad was a paedophile... im in my 30s now and i have worked through a lot of my past through therapy and i now live a very healthy life...

very often when abuse occurs in a family there are levels of dysfunction which are off the scale and boundaries are never respected.I remember that me and my sisters would just tell everyone about the abuse and talk openly about it,almost as a way of getting it out but we should never have been talking about it to anyone but with no support from parents we were all in a very fluked up and in vunerable way.

i can imagine the mum is like this too,where she is just shooting her mouth off trying to offload her anxiety about it,she should never have brought you into this business and she has crossed a serious boundary with you because she must be emotionally all over the place.

you need to protect yourself in the future from her because if you have indicated to her that you will listen to her she will try it again.

I also think that paedophiles can be also nice people by day-no one would believe my dad was because he was really popular around where we lived. They never do look like the typical criminal so there is a chance that the dad could very well be.

there are signs you could look out for in your boyfriends behaviour,like how is he in himself,does he feel comfortable around sex,would you feel like he had any issues deep down,how is he with expressing his emotions,do you get that feeling he is hurting inside...

there is nothing you need to do though,i would just try to put it to the side for now,you are still early days with your BF and i think it is too soon to go this deep into something,also you are his new life now and you knowing this and getting involved without him first telling you might threaten his world with you..

i dunno but i would wait untill you felt it was safe to mention it...

Beruthiel

If my partners mother said something like that to me I'd have told him straight away.

I find it very, very odd that on your first meeting with her, she would come out with something like that. This is not the type of information you blurt out to a stranger you've just met. I'd be very wary because of that.

Quazzie

You didn't mention if it is having any effect on your relationship with you bf so it obviously hasn't. Thats what you should base all your decisions on. The only thing you know to be totally true is how ye both feel about each other.

His mum could be trying to just bad-mouth his father, it has been known to happen, but even if it is true, isn't it for the best that your bf has blocked it out? What benefit is there in dragging it all up for him now? Base your feelings on his Dad and his Mum on your interactions with them, Doing anything else would only bring hardship and aggrevation on everyone involved, especially you. If it is the truth the family would obviously like to keep it to themselves and might not be happy about an outsider coming in interfering

MJOR

you really have two scenarios here:


1. He Dad abuses children
2. His Dad doesn't and his mom is a fruitcake.

Have you ever been out with his siblings and his dad altogether.


Basically if I were you I'd bring it up to your guy like this:

"So are your siblings (obviously use their names as you know them lol)close to your dad as you are"?

You will gage his reaction and hopefully open the lines of communication between you and him re this.

If he asks why you ask just say his mom mentioned that he was not a good guy and you were a bit confused.

Overheal

sickpuppy32 wrote: »

yeah the mum sounds dodgy, what are her reasons for telling you something like that. Kids of divorced and bitter parents can suffer from parental alienation syndrom were they have been poisoned by one parent ( usually the mother ) against the other, when the kids grow up and realise daddy isn't as evil as mum says, they tend to distance themselves from both parents.

*raises hand*

you definitely should ask the boyfriend about this. let him know what his mother said. I mean think about it - why would she tell her sons girlfriend what she wouldnt tell her son? Somethings not right here.

eveie

as said in one of the comments, the father may have not done anything to your boyfriend however if he did it is very possible and nearly certain that yor bf has blocked it out and may continue to do so for a number of years. many children that are abused have black outs and although they can rememeber certain elements of the abuse much of it will be blank. it can take a number of years for someone to feel ready to talk about it and deal with their emotions surrounding it. its an awful suituation but i would recommend saying nothing to him, if something did happen he'l talk about it when he feels ready, you cannot push these things.....as you can only imagine what affect its had on him. if he does decide to tell you just be their for him, it can bring up emotions you never knew existed.
his mother shouldnt have told you this, its completly unfair and very nasty, although she may be worried about him doing things like that could drive him ovber the edge, its not her business really, it was him who was abused and he needs time to deal with it.

eveie

Quazzie you said
"if its ture isnt its best that your bf has blocked it out"
please explain to me how its best for him? its best for him to hide his emotions and feel deep hurt??? how is that best for him? do you have any idea the pain he could be feeling and ny blocking it out he is fooling himself. he peobably just wants to be part of a normal loving family and thats why he is in contact with his dad. if this girls bf was abused and its a big if, he will need to deal with it, it could take him 20 yrs to actually acknolwledge that it happened.
supressing emotions is what leads to depression

Mountjoy Mugger

Nowhere in the OP was it said the bf was abused.

I tend to agree with Beruthiel on this one. A bit strange telling family "secrets" on day one meeting.

Quazzie

eveie wrote: »

Quazzie you said
"if its ture isnt its best that your bf has blocked it out"
please explain to me how its best for him? its best for him to hide his emotions and feel deep hurt??? how is that best for him? do you have any idea the pain he could be feeling and ny blocking it out he is fooling himself. he peobably just wants to be part of a normal loving family and thats why he is in contact with his dad. if this girls bf was abused and its a big if, he will need to deal with it, it could take him 20 yrs to actually acknolwledge that it happened.
supressing emotions is what leads to depression

I didn't mean that its best that he supressed I mean that maybe his mind did and that to him it never happened. I know people that this has happened to. He hears others saying it happened, but he can't remember it so doesn't acknowledge it, so why keep dragging it all up for him. Does she want him to be an emotional wreck about it? Isn't it best that if it did happen and he did "forget" it, that she deosn't bring it up. maybe he finds solice in the fact that she is one of the only people that he is close to that doesn't know and that hearing she knows he might feel he can't go on with her anymore?

eveie

Quazzie
i agree with some of what your saying, but no one compleyely forgets about it, it will come out at some point and it takes a very strong partner to help someone through it. i also know a good few people who this has happened too but i know for certain that they do not forget it. i bever suggested that she go and ask her bf about it, that would be a terrible idea

Quazzie

eveie wrote: »

Quazzie
i agree with some of what your saying, but no one compleyely forgets about it, it will come out at some point and it takes a very strong partner to help someone through it. i also know a good few people who this has happened too but i know for certain that they do not forget it. i bever suggested that she go and ask her bf about it, that would be a terrible idea

I think we are reading from the same hymn sheet eveie

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I don't know which side of the story I'd believe, but just to put in what I've seen of people breaking up -
My parents separated about five years ago (I'm 30 now) and for months my dad was telling anyone who would listen that my mother was 'meeting' this guy (who was a supervisor of hers for work and completely innocent). Ironically I think he was the one up to something on that front, but he was so deluded and wanted to come up smelling of roses that he'd have said anything.

He also used my youngest sister as a bit of a weapon against my mother - organising a birthday party for her and some cousins and not telling my mother (this was before they officially separated) etc. He was a grade-A pr*ck. Unfortunately he was also a house devil, street angel so my mother just had to put up with this crap while people shook their heads mystified why my mother would want to leave the 'poor man'.

Anyhow I don't know if it's pure bitterness between your boyf's parents, or there is genuine concern there on his mother's part, but I just thought I'd let you know how vindictive separating people can be. Also maybe it's not appropriate that his mother would corner you on a first meeting to tell you all that, but if she knows she's not going to meet you very often and knows that you're close to her son, she might be hoping that you'll be able to help him (if she's genuine). I'd agree with other posters about seeing if other siblings are as close to the father and go from there...

r3nu4l

OP, talk to your bf, ask him about his father, ask him about his relationship with his father and that of his siblings with his father.

Then tell him why you've been asking, tell him exactly what his mother said and let him know that you are telling him...not because you are worried about him but because it seemed strange for her to divulge so much on a first meeting.

The thing is, even after that you may never know! If your bf is in denial he'll tell you that his mam is making it up, if she is making it up, he'll tell you. Which answer do you believe? That's up to you.

Either way, sit down and talk with him. BTW, how long are you two together?

Quazzie

r3nu4l wrote: »

OP, talk to your bf, ask him about his father, ask him about his relationship with his father and that of his siblings with his father.

Then tell him why you've been asking, tell him exactly what his mother said and let him know that you are telling him...not because you are worried about him but because it seemed strange for her to divulge so much on a first meeting.

The thing is, even after that you may never know! If your bf is in denial he'll tell you that his mam is making it up, if she is making it up, he'll tell you. Which answer do you believe? That's up to you.

Either way, sit down and talk with him. BTW, how long are you two together?

Why bring it all up for him.? If he wanted her to know he'd have told her. he might be happy with the fact that he can give his father a fresh start with someone new with them knowing the stigma attached to being labelled a pedophile. If her bf wanted her to know what his Dad was accused of he would of told her. He obviously didn't so didn't want to talk about it. So why force him?

LegacyUser

Schnooks wrote: »

I don't know this. I don't know anything, but I am offering my opinion that it is highly unusual that a woman basically corners her son's girlfriend for a few mins and comes out with this, rather admittedly, massive revelation that could wreck all their lives.

+1Hardly a first meeting type conversation.

r3nu4l

Quazzie2002 wrote: »

Why bring it all up for him.? If he wanted her to know he'd have told her. he might be happy with the fact that he can give his father a fresh start with someone new with them knowing the stigma attached to being labelled a pedophile. If her bf wanted her to know what his Dad was accused of he would of told her. He obviously didn't so didn't want to talk about it. So why force him?

Right, so the OP is supposed to hide from her bf the fact that his mother accused his father of being a paedophile? That's okay is it? At the very least he needs to know what his own mother is saying about his father, especially if it's untrue!!

My aunt-by-marriage has always been a completely compulsive pathological liar. She can't help herself. People who meet her for the first time think she's a lovely person who has had a terribly rough life because she makes up rubbish about herself. I warned my wife about her before they met up because of some of the crap she comes out with. She loves stirring sh*t with her lies and those that know her know she's poison so don't listen to her...other people on the other hand...

So if the bf's mother is the same then he needs to know what she's saying. If she's not lying then it's important that the OP gets to the bottom of it because if he hasn't dealt with it or is in denial then this may effect him later in life and if he does suffer from erratic anger or depression the OP may at least ahve some idea of the cause and be able to help.

Just a few reasons to bring it up but I understand that some people like to brush everything under the carpet...much like people did about paedophile priests in the past. Don't ask questions, ignore it and there's no problem :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

worriedabouthim wrote: »

If anyone has any advice on whether or not it's a good idea to ever mention this, (perhaps based on their own experiences), it would be appreciated. Thanks. It was strange to get landed with all that, on a first meeting with his mum.

She could just be a basket case...

My brother came home from abroad, met his girlfriend for the first time and she told me she was dying of terminal cancer.
She's not.
Among many other mental stuff....

the_syco

worriedabouthim wrote: »

I met his dad, months ago. He took us out for meals and seemed really cool. The other day, I met my boyfriend's mum for the first time. We were talking away+ as soon as my boyfriend left the table (we were having coffee), she started telling me about my boyfriend's dad...

Sounds like the bf knows what his mother is like, so he let you know his dad first, and then his mother. OP, ask bf, and let him know that his mum had said it. May be old news, or it may be another trick used by the mother to turn people against the father.

Quazzie

Why force him to talk about something he obviously doesn't want to

Dragan

Don't mention it.

Forcing the issue will cause you to lose him. He'll tell you if he wants to and you need to accept the fact that he might never want to.

LegacyUser

Hello All,

My father is a paedophile, we only found out when several of our cousins came forward some years ago and disclosed what had been happening over the years, I do nnt want to give any more details, but I must emphasise what the girl said below is so true, I will paste it in again....this is it:

Quote 'very often when abuse occurs in a family there are levels of dysfunction which are off the scale and boundaries are never respected.I remember that me and my sisters would just tell everyone about the abuse and talk openly about it,almost as a way of getting it out but we should never have been talking about it to anyone but with no support from parents we were all in a very fluked up and in vunerable way.' End quote.

This is so true for a good 5 years after we found out the shock was so terrible that we literally could not compute it. Our father, my mothers husband was a paedophile. It blows your mind beyond repair and you cannot function normally.

There is no point in saying what the mother said was inappropriate etc Do not expect appropriate behaviour from the family for at least 5 years, like the girl above some of us were going around spilling out our guts to whoever would listen (no one wants to believe me)some emigrated but all of us cracked up with the weight of the guilty secret we were now forced to carry every day.

To make things worse the victims refused to press charges and the guilty one is still sitting pretty in our family home. Of course we went to the cops but they told us there is nothing they can do, but that there is a paedophile in "every fifth house"

So its everywhere and they walk amongst us, guilty as sin with absolute impunity.

Maybe the woman is unhinged, maybe shes not, I would ask your boyfriend out straight.

There is nothing else you can do, oh and by the way, paedophiles look and act like everyone else people, no horns on their heads or strang behaviour, from the young handsome man to the pervy looking aul fella and everywhere in between, its everywhere.

So OP, ask your BF, but accept you may never know the truth.

RuailleBuaille

Schnooks wrote: »

And, at the risk of incurring the wrath of others, the old "abuse accusation" has been wronfully used by women in the past when things get bitter during break-ups.

As a single father who has a fantastic relationship with my ex and my son (2 days a week he's here), I think that is the lowest a woman could sink to when things start heading south.

And like it or not, it is always the woman who makes these accusations, and in most cases they are unfounded - just the result of bitterness and rejection.

Where do you live? Brookside? Walford? Hollyoaks?

Incredible generalisations FTW...

RuailleBuaille

so the same wrote: »

She could just be a basket case...

My brother came home from abroad, met his girlfriend for the first time and she told me she was dying of terminal cancer.
She's not.
Among many other mental stuff....

I had a friend who was pregnant for 10 and a half months before I copped she was a lying psycho.

There's nowt as queer as folk!

OP if I was you I'd keep schtum. If it's true and your BF wants you to know, he'll tell you. Imagine it was true and you just announce it one day - the most horriffic and traumatising experience cut up into gossipy soundbites by his mother. She should never have put you in this position and it's her I'd be wary of. What a horrible thing to do to your son, airing secrets on your first meeting. Keep clear of her I reckon!

r3nu4l

For everyone telling the OP to say nothing let me ask you:

If you were going out with someone and your mother was telling them all sorts of private stuff (true or untrue) about you wouldn't you want to know?

I would, whether it was something I (needlessly) felt ashamed of or was in denial about I'd like to know if my mother was spouting it to other people...

Would you really not want to know what your mother was saying about you?

OP, I still say that while there's no need to force him to talk, he at least deserves to know what's been said about him behind his back...

hockeygirl

+1

he has a right to know what his mother has been saying.
For all you know she could be spewing this all over the place (true or not) and in the long term it could cause him considerable harm

Not to mention that she was wrong in telling you in the first place on her first meeting. Its just inappropriate. She has no right to spill the beans to a complete stranger about her sons or family personal issues (if true)

That is something you can only share with someone you trust and know.

mention it to him... maybe ask why they split up... dont launch into " oh that was a lovely lunch, the soup was fab, oh and did I tell you your mother says your dad is a paedo...." that would just be embarassing for him and hurtful.

Then if the gentle approach doesnt lead to anything just tell him that she metioned that about something happening between him and his father..


good luck

LegacyUser

Before I ever met her, my boyfriend had told me that she can say 'inappropriate things'.
After I met her, I asked him what 'inappropriate things' was he afraid she would say . He didn't give a solid answer. I presume he would have said straight out if she was a liar. (I didn't dig further at the time, as I just thought, fair enough. I posted on here, as I couldn't shake this from my mind the last couple of days).

In relation to the siblings- one, my boyfriend doesn't get on with at all. And the other one is much younger and I have yet to meet him (even when I do, I couldn't mention anything... I would have felt I could, if the sibling was a similar age to me/ older.
The mother told me alot more 'secrets' too, which sort of freaked me out to be honest. About her own past- how she herself was abused. When she started speaking about his dad (and the dad's current partner), I said that, perhaps it's best if I do not know. She said ok, if I don't want to know... and I as I was curious, I didn't object further, and she continued with saying those things about my boyfriend's dad.

I'm trying to look at it from different perspectives...and your opinions here are good for that. Thank you people on boards!.... I cannot talk to friends about this for obvious reasons.
If she was lying about all of this, that would make her indeed quite a bit of a liar. If my mother was like that, I'd make sure to warn anyone I'd take to meet her, about lying tendencies.
My boyfriend never mentioned her lies.
He did have alot of esteem issues in his teens....but he seems really strong right now (I do get the impression though that he's not quite as strong on the inside). His mum even said that he's not a very affectionate person either (thinking about it, she said a hell of alot of stuff). There is one slight sexual thing, that he really dislikes too, which I could see being associated with abuse for a guy. Now I'm just overthinking things!

To people who said I should talk to him about it... I just wish I could. But I'm cautious, as it has potential to mess up alot of relationships. I didn't tell him out straight in the first place was as I'm quite sure he'd ring up his mum straight away and I don't think he'd be on good terms with her for a long time again. That, AND he'd probably tell his dad what she had been saying about him (more negativity between people). I think I'd cause alot of pain to people if I said anything. I will try, when I can somehow bring it up subtly in conversation and seeing his reactions. His mum also said 'don't tell (my boyfriend) I told you'. Hmm. At the same time, I feel sorry for her if all that she has said is true. If it is true- there she is, left in pieces while a paedophille walks around free, being loved by everyone.
Even if it is all true- my boyfriend has a good relationship now with his dad and I don't want to interfere with that in the slightest. I know he has a right to know... but i think I'll hang on until I meet his mum again. If she tries to say stuff again if we're alone, I'd like to tell her that it's inappropriate and not fair etc.... hopefully she's just be cool. BUT if what she is saying in true, I can see that she'd be very bitter about the injustice of it all.
There has been helpful replies. Cheers.

LegacyUser

My ex's mother used to say stuff that was very weird too, personal stuff. I always found it very awkward. However she used to say it in front of him, and he'd just ignore her. I don't know if it's a similar situation, but there seemed to be a lot of dysfuntion in that family (and my ex seemed to just block it all out). There was no paedophillia. I don't know, to be honest I just ignored that woman's talk, but now I kinda wish I'd said something.

My ex's brother used to go on with it too, whispering strange family secrets to me. I didn't repeat it back to the boyfriend at the time in case I'd hurt his feelings...but now I kinda wish things had been out in the open. Duno if that helps!

herya

worriedabouthim wrote: »

The mother told me alot more 'secrets' too, which sort of freaked me out to be honest. About her own past- how she herself was abused.

If it's true & she herself was victimized it may explain why she is so emotional about it and warns everyone around whether they need it or not.

Are you at the stage when you plan to, or may have children? I've read about situations when abusive father was family secret when the abused children grew up, but when grandchildren would come along the family would absolutely separate them from him. Maybe that's her understanding of the situation.

Schnooks

RuailleBuaille wrote: »

Where do you live? Brookside? Walford? Hollyoaks?

Incredible generalisations FTW...

Sorry?

If you think that what I said about wrongful abuse accusations doesn't happen every day in Ireland, when bitterness becomes the overriding emotion in a relationship, then you are the one living in Walford or whatever other soap location you are familiar with.

I stand by my original statement that it is the lowest a partner can sink to when trying to score points against their ex.

sickpuppy32

thats very true, i just look at my own life and it makes eastenders look boring!

Ainekav

schnook i think ruaille buaille was referring to the generalisation you made about the female being the one to tell bitter lies...!

"And like it or not, it is always the woman who makes these accusations, and in most cases they are unfounded - just the result of bitterness and rejection."

not all women are she-devils..

OP tbh it sounds like it could be true..
if and when u find out that it is true, maybe you should arm yourself with some advice from a counsellor or someone experienced on handling the situation if u decide to broach it with him.

Schnooks

Aine

I think that's where both you and RB are picking me up wrong.

I wasn't referring to lies in general in my post - I am well aware of the ability of both sexes to tell lies of the nastiest and most hurtful type.

In my original post, I was specifically referring to allegations of abuse against the children, particularly abuse of a sexual nature.

That is where I felt that it is almost always the woman who is the one to make these accusations. In some cases they are untrue and are used as a form of revenge against the husband, and cause great hurt and upheavel to the whole family, especially the children.

not all women are she-devils..

I know that, I certainly never insinuated anything like that!!:D