Am i being petty?

STUBBORNGIRL

I wasn’t going to bother starting a thread on something like this (probably seems so futile to most) but it is really really bothering me at the moment and i need to get it off my chest and get some opinions on whether i am just being petty or not.

Here Goes – I am the sort of person that loves making plans and organising my evenings and my weekends in advance (not ages in advance but a week at least) - This is my way of ensuring I have always something to do (not a fan of my own company and i like to be kept busy)

Anyway here comes the problem - I go out of my way to organise events and invite people and the consensus at the time is great - everyone wants to go but then a day or two beforehand people start pulling out. Now im not talking about this happening to me just once or twice - it is all the time! i wouldn’t mind if their reasons were good ones to start with but the like of – “ah i dont know what i am at yet” - this just doesnt wash with me! I am the type of person that if i make plans i stick to them unless something really important pops up and I am left with no other choice but to cancel. Is it wrong to expect the same gratitude in return? Am i being unreasonable when i get cross at people and thinking "oh yeah they are waiting for some better offer. It makes me feel inadequate and I wonder why I even bother going to the bother of it!

I like nothing better than spending time with my friends but now I am wondering why even bother when they wont make the effort back! There are one or two friends that I can honestly say don’t do that to me but for the rest of them they are always making excuses.

I hope I haven’t come across as bossy or like a leader or the sort cause I definitely wouldn’t be the ring leader in any group and I would never make anyone do something that they didn’t want to do – I would prefer them say to me “look that is not my thing” rather than say yeah ill go and then pull out at the very last minute.

Sorry for the rant but its really getting to me now! Most of my friends that live in Dublin are coupled up now and I feel left out so I like having things to do so that it takes my mind off the fact that I don’t have anybody! (im not depressed by the way just lonely-ish)

Any advice would be appreciated and I can take criticism so don’t worry about offending me

Thumpette

I know the feeling- people can be unreliable pains in the bum! You're not being petty- perfectly reasonable to be a bit pissed off

Meathlass

It sounds like while you plan things in advance your friends prefer to decide what they're doing that morning or the day before. There's nothing wrong with that but they shouldn't be pulling out on the last minute on you. Maybe try and leave a few nights open and ring them that day or the day before to ask if they'd like to go to cinema etc, offer to buy the tickets in advance, that way they'd feel guilty about letting you down. TBH I hate organising things in advance as my mood is affected by work and the weather so much, supposed to be going to a concert tonight but not as day was crazy at work BUT i haven't asked anyone yet so I'm not letting anyone down. Can you find things to do were you're not dependent on other people. There's nothing wrong with spending the evening on your own.

CerebralCortex

Maybe when you organise an event be blatantly honest and assert the fact that you don't want them to say they'll attend even if they don't mean it and that you would rather they didn't make promises they intend to break. If this problem is as consistent as you say it is then they'll know what you're talking about and if they are good friends then they should be honest back.

CerebralCortex

Meathlass wrote: »

...There's nothing wrong with spending the evening on your own.

Yes there is if you don't want to be and you have no choice there is nothing worse.

ntlbell

CerebralCortex wrote: »

Yes there is if you don't want to be and you have no choice there is nothing worse.

I would start looking into why I didn't like my own company and why I need to keep myself busy rather than worrying why people are off living their own life.

Quazzie

Its reasonable to want to plan your time ahead, but ya got to reasonable enough to expect that others might not like to sketch out their lives so easily. Some people prefer to live in the spur of the moment and go whichever way the day takes them. Personally I am like you, and I've been in the same situation you have, but after being down about it for a while, and losing a small fortune on deposits, I eventually discovered that I just tell people what I am doing and then tell them they are welcome to join me. It seems to work a lot better.

Meathlass

ntlbell wrote: »

I would start looking into why I didn't like my own company and why I need to keep myself busy rather than worrying why people are off living their own life.

+1

If you need to have your week organised a week in advance for fear you'll have nothing to do .. you must really hate being on your own. If your friends don't want to spend time with you then try and find some new ones and definately do what someone else suggested and next time you organise something tell them in advance not to sign up if they're thinking of pulling out. I've one friend in particular that we're all terrified of cancelling on (doesn't stop her from doing it though)!

jimmycrackcorm

i think that the op's post could be shortened to "I'm a control freak and I don't like it when my control is not in my hands".

Some people prefer spontenaity. I know I myself hate when things are overly planned. The best nights out I find are the ones u do on a whim "Hey, will we do something tonight?" "Sure lets go out" .... I find it hands down beats "Ooooh I cant wait for that BIG night out in 2 weeks time".


It really depends on people. Maybe they say yes cos theyre afradi you'll take it the wrong way if they pull out?

Hrududu

Maybe when you organise an event be blatantly honest and assert the fact that you don't want them to say they'll attend even if they don't mean it and that you would rather they didn't make promises they intend to break.

Honestly if someone were to say this to me then I really couldnt see myself spending a whole lot of time with them. Some people are real planners and need to know ages in advance everything they are doing. Other people are a bit more spur of the moment. Although the same friends pulling out over and over again is disrespectful.

cjmcork

OP, been in that boat and feiced out the oars - i was always the one organising dinner, etc and everyone would be up for it, but sure as eggs most of them would cancel with a few hours to go and I'd be the eejit ringing the restaurant to cancel - it got so bad that I stopped organising things and then one night we met, they were bitching about how I didn't organise for us to get together anymore!!!! :mad:

I feel your pain girl!

aye

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

i think that the op's post could be shortened to "I'm a control freak and I don't like it when my control is not in my hands".

uncalled for.


OP, i can understand planning things out, its good to know whats happening but not all the time.
if you are planning things every week, your friends are going to want some time to chill out. sometime i get home on a friday knowing i have to go out, and all i wanna do i take it easy instead of rushing my dinner to get ready to go out the door.
i think when people agree to something they should stick to it, but if you organise something each week, they might feel pressured to agree to it, and when the time comes, they might just wanna relax.

i think you'll need to accept that some people arent as organised as you and some people like not knowing if anything is on at the weekend, and like to just see what happens.

STUBBORNGIRL

okay i probably exagerated the fact that i have to be doing something every night! i dont and believe me i am not! i do go to the gym and get my nails done and reading back on my post it may have sounded like every minute of my life is planned out when it most certainly isnt! more so weekends i should have said! i live in Dublin due to work but am from another county so when i travel home because i have something planned and it all goes pearshaped it can get annoying!

To the op who said i should look at the fact why i dont like my own company - Well i just like being around friends and people and having a laugh! anyone that knows me knows that i enjoy going out socialising and i have a large circle of friends! but its jsut when i plan things out of my gang of friends that things dont go to plan! i could try to organise a weekend somewhere and no one would be on for it then one of the other girls would say lets go on a weekend here - (what i would have already said) and everyone jumps at the chance -

i dont know i honestly think i have gotten my knickers in a twist for no reason! and yeah i do say to people look i am doing this feel free to do it if you want or not!

Quazzie

I really think you are over analyzing it IMHO

STUBBORNGIRL

Quazzie2002 wrote: »

I really think you are over analyzing it IMHO

i would agree with you if it were just once or twice but it is all the time! i go to so much trouble organising things and then to end up having to cancel! Same with work when i was over the S&S, organised a great activity day (along with other people of course) and out of the 200 people that signed up only 30 paid so we had to cancel everything which resulted in a lot of angry people!

I just feel people will do what i am doing cause the have nothing better to do! Sometimes my friends say - listen i dont know what i am doing to be honest and that can make me feel like they are waiting for something better to come along! which is fine until i go and organise something and leave them out and then they are raging with me! you just cant seem to win either way!

i will accept that i am overreacting but i jsut really wanted peoples opinions in whether it was just a part of life and if it happened to alot of people! Good to see there are others out there like me though!

ntlbell

why not stop organizing for awhile?

Let someone else take it by the horns? why does always have to be you planning and if it's a case of if you don't do it no one will bother then you just answered your own question..


spend the next couple of weekend's making plans for yourself or even with one or two people who don't generally let you down and have a back up plan should something come up for them all of a sudden so your not left doing SFA

LegacyUser

I hear ya.

You have to realise that most people will suit themselves. I organised a weekend away for 2 friends (they committed to coming and asked me to book tickets for a gig) and then a day before they cancelled. They just don't seem to see it as a big deal whereas to me it was something I really wanted to do.

I concentrate now on friends who actually do things (weekends away, surfing, theatre) and have given up asking those friends who always agree to do things but then make an excuses (tired/work the next day/yadiyada/out with girlfriend).

I find that the sports club I'm in at the mo, the people are full of get up and go and full of life, and want to do things. My old friends are happy to sit around and spend their weekends lazing around and for years I did the same getting frustrated with them.

So, I've decided to suit myself and get on with things and leave them to do what they want to do.

Hrududu

Sometimes my friends say - listen i dont know what i am doing to be honest and that can make me feel like they are waiting for something better to come along!

Or they might not know what they are doing? You are over analysing things. Stop organising things for a while. If you want a night out or to go to the cinema get onto friends a day or two before max. Some people just don't like over organised things.

FunkyChicken

You sounds very high maintenance. Maybe your friends and family are more laid back. I wouldnt want to go out with someone who kept pestering me about crap.

seamus

You say "all the time", so it sounds to me like you prefer to plan what you're going to do every other weekend and then try to get everyone to come along with you.

This is fine if you can find people who like to be that planned, but most of us (in my experience) prefer to wait and see what the weekend may bring instead of forcing it.

Now, I like as much as anyone to have some event set up for two weeks' time and look forward to go to it, but if that was every weekend, or more than once or twice a month, I'd get sick of it and spend most of my time saying, "Yeah, I'll see" and then finding something else to do.

However if this is something which isn't that often and fairly varied, you just need to be a bit more of a hardass about it. In the example of the work sports & social, if you had locked people into it early then you either may have known about cancelling it sooner or you might have gotten a lot more signups. That is, if people had to pay, have them give you money a month in advance. Then they're locked in. If you only get 30 people giving you money, then a month is plenty of time to re-arrange the activities or cancel it.

If they don't have to pay, then you simply say, "I'm confirming final numbers today, if you're not in, let me know now".

If you're arranging things with your mates, then you just need to be a bit harder too. Rather than letting them get away with, "Ah shure I'm not sure what I'm doing yet", then you counter that with, "Well I need to know now, so are you in or out?". They'll invariable say they're out and then contact you the day before to ask if they can go. It's much easier to include extra people than it is to compensate for missing people.

Or could just stop organising stuff and do what you want to do.

MJOR

I like knowing in advance what I am doing too. Not overly fond of my own company either.

I have a few different groups of friends and a boyfriend that I see at weekends only( lives in another county). :mad:

It's for this reason I like to know where I am at.

The main difference is that we all take turns suggesting what to do.
There is no one organiser in any of the groups.

I think take a back seat. try keeping your groups of friends apart as in smaller groups work better.

Most of all try not take it personally. These days people have busy lives and like to go with the flow on their time off:P

STUBBORNGIRL

MJOR wrote: »

The main difference is that we all take turns suggesting what to do.
There is no one organiser in any of the groups.

I think take a back seat. try keeping your groups of friends apart as in smaller groups work better.

Thanks MJOR - Yeah listen I am not always the one organising everything - I think i may have made myself sound like i like to do the things i want to do. People suggest things and i get the ball rolling by starting to organise (with the help of other people aswell). I think i may just be taking it way too personally Though you are right! I will definitely take a backseat and let my friends do the organizing for a change.

I have weekends where I like to do nothing aswell – but def not two weekends in a row! I feel I need to have something to look forward to. Would you be surprised if I said my diary is full up to the middle of September!

My main concern her is I am the sort of person that if I say I will do something then I do it! But I don’t get the same respect in return.

Another example – I organised a birthday dinner and loads of people turned up which was brilliant but there was one particular girl who always organises birthday dinners for herself who just couldn’t be bothered – she said she might be seeing a guy but didn’t know. Now I got the idea from her in the first place and every year went to hers but she couldn’t return the favour when I organised mine – and im not sour by the fact that she was seeing a guy ( which transpired later that she didn’t meet him in the end) I just don’t see the fairness there! I will make the effort and I don’t think its unreasonable to expect the same in return

STUBBORNGIRL

FunkyChicken wrote: »

You sounds very high maintenance. Maybe your friends and family are more laid back. I wouldnt want to go out with someone who kept pestering me about crap.

I couldnt be further from high maintenance! and as for pestering that is a no no! if someone says they dont want to do something that is it for me! i wouldnt pester them! and nowhere in my responses have i said i pester people! if people dont know what they are doing they dont get included..end of! im not in the habit of booking things for people just cause they said they might!

i think you may need to reread my responses again, you have definitely misunderstood me! And as for going out with boyfriends on dates - I always let them choose what we do - to be honest im easy going when it comes to the activity itself. I will do anything if i think i will have fun.

MJOR

Well people can drop their friends like a hot snot if they get a guy... I know the feeling my diary is fairly full til the Aug weekend.

Just take a backseat. I was like you once having endless dinner parties organising birthday presents, weekends away. **** was my thanks!
Take a back seat! Watch em wonder:P:o

AngryBadger

OP. who are you to make plans and demand all your friends accomodate them?

By your own admission you're making plans because YOU want to have something to do, not because you want to hang out with your friends or whatever.

Other people have their own lives, and frankly you have a bit of cheek just expecting everyone to row in with your plans just because you went to the trouble of making them. I ahve to say, if this is something that's constantly happening maybe there's a subtle hint there, maybe people don't appreciate you trying to steer them to spend their time with you doing what you want.

stevelknievel

I have to say, I'm a very spontaneous sort of person. I rarely plan anything until a couple of hours in advance. If someone else is planning something, I'm nearly always the last person to give a definite yay or nay. And that's always the deadline. However if I say yay, then you know I'm gonna be there.
Settle Angrybadger. She makes plans for a night out and invites her friends along. What's wrong with that? If they say no, she has no issue with it. The problem she has is with people who say they'll be there, and then drop out at the last minute, which is fair enough if you ask me.

STUBBORNGIRL

AngryBadger wrote: »

OP. who are you to make plans and demand all your friends accomodate them?

By your own admission you're making plans because YOU want to have something to do, not because you want to hang out with your friends or whatever.

Other people have their own lives, and frankly you have a bit of cheek just expecting everyone to row in with your plans just because you went to the trouble of making them. I ahve to say, if this is something that's constantly happening maybe there's a subtle hint there, maybe people don't appreciate you trying to steer them to spend their time with you doing what you want.

Again yet another one that has misinterpreted my posts! Angrybadger i never demand anyone to accomodate my plans - i like having something to do and i have the get up and go about me so i organise things for me and my friends to do because i want to share in the fun with them and i want to hang out with them! i am a very straight up person if i dont like someone then i wouldnt be inviting them to share in my plans! Everyone has the right to their opinion and i would like to think as my friend they would say look that is not my thing rather than going along with it only to pull out at the end! I most certainly expect people to keep plans (where possible) not because i made them but because they have agreed to partake in them! not just because they now could not be bothered.

All i meant by this thread is that it gets annoying when people let you down after going to the trouble of making plans! and i was wondering if i was overreacting by letting it get to me! that is all!

Everyone should suit themselves in life and i most certainly do but not at the expense of other peoples plans! just courtesy thats all!

STUBBORNGIRL

stevelknievel wrote: »

I have to say, I'm a very spontaneous sort of person. I rarely plan anything until a couple of hours in advance. If someone else is planning something, I'm nearly always the last person to give a definite yay or nay. And that's always the deadline. However if I say yay, then you know I'm gonna be there..

thank you! i can relate to that and respect that people are spontaneous and after a while you do get to know the friends that are like that and you know that while they dont give a definite answer at least they havent wasted your time saying yes when they really meant no!

stevelknievel wrote: »

Settle Angrybadger. She makes plans for a night out and invites her friends along. What's wrong with that? If they say no, she has no issue with it. The problem she has is with people who say they'll be there, and then drop out at the last minute, which is fair enough if you ask me

Spot on

seamus

I would stand by my initial assessment, seeing as you agree that your diary is booked up for two months;

You are one of those people who likes to know what you're doing next week. It's a form of control freakism - don't take this as an insult, most of us are control freaks about one aspect of our lives or another.

Many other people don't like to have their weekends planned out, and instead prefer to see how they feel, how tired they are, how much money they have, and what's on offer. If you constantly have things planned, then you're going to be taken for granted - you can't expect people to attend everything and people are going to assume that everyone else will turn up.

Don't feel put out by people waiting to see if something better turns up. It's a bit cocky to think that yours is the best party on offer. And particularly if you have something set up most weekends, it's natural that people would want to spend their weekend doing something different, with other people.

To sum up, I just think you need to chill out more. If someone doesn't turn up, fine. Enjoy yourself, have fun with those who did turn up. Just make a note of it and don't go out of your way to accomodate anyone who's especially known for flaking. If someone says they'll turn up, but don't, and it has no effect on the night (i.e. you're just going to the pub), then what's the big deal? I can understand the annoyance if something has to be paid for, e.g. a restaurant, but in that case either lock them into it, guilt them out of it, or stop including them.

STUBBORNGIRL

seamus wrote: »

I would stand by my initial assessment, seeing as you agree that your diary is booked up for two months;

You are one of those people who likes to know what you're doing next week. It's a form of control freakism - don't take this as an insult, most of us are control freaks about one aspect of our lives or another.

Many other people don't like to have their weekends planned out, and instead prefer to see how they feel, how tired they are, how much money they have, and what's on offer. If you constantly have things planned, then you're going to be taken for granted - you can't expect people to attend everything and people are going to assume that everyone else will turn up.

Don't feel put out by people waiting to see if something better turns up. It's a bit cocky to think that yours is the best party on offer. And particularly if you have something set up most weekends, it's natural that people would want to spend their weekend doing something different, with other people.

To sum up, I just think you need to chill out more. If someone doesn't turn up, fine. Enjoy yourself, have fun with those who did turn up. Just make a note of it and don't go out of your way to accomodate anyone who's especially known for flaking. If someone says they'll turn up, but don't, and it has no effect on the night (i.e. you're just going to the pub), then what's the big deal? I can understand the annoyance if something has to be paid for, e.g. a restaurant, but in that case either lock them into it, guilt them out of it, or stop including them.

Sorry i need to get one thing clear - i dont make all the plans all of the time! the variety of things i have on for the next two months involve loads of different people and are weekends that i have not organised aswell!

I do hear you Seamus though about it shouldnt affect me but unfortunately that is my problem it does!

Im not only put out when its my plans that dont come together! my friend planned a baby shower for her sister not so long ago - i dont really know her sister all that well - i went for my friend and a few other of my friends went but only one of the girls friends showed up after all the organising it took - see that annoyed me too cause i know the trouble my friend went to! its not always about me, incase you think it is! i get annoyed for other people too - now i sound like a saddo! Sorry i dont mean to be but its just disrespectful to tell someone you will definitely be there and not to bother your arse turning up!

BroomBurner

There seems to be a lot of confusion here with the OP and herself. Maybe you're right, your friends don't really like being around you and will agree to things organised by other people because then they'll know that at least it won't be just you there.

Is that what you want to hear?

It's getting tiring reading responses to your post then you replying that they've taken you out of context. If you think everyone here is taking you out of context, maybe it's you that doesn't see the wood for the trees.

Sounds harsh, but don't post if you don't like getting a variety of responses that aren't the ones you want to hear.

forestfruits

to be honest you just like to do things in a different way--- you plan---- a lot of people dont!

Just stop organising things for a bit or do so the day before.
I hate being booked up, I know it makes no sense but when youve been working all week sometiimes in your time off all you wnat to do it nothing! You may not be able to know this in advance so sometimes you say you will go to things that you eventually change your mind and dont go to!

god im rambling but point is just stop for a bit and let ppl invite you places instead.

AngryBadger

OP your original post stated very clearly that you didn't like being on your own for any length of tim, and therefore you make plans so that you're always busy. You then complained that people don't get involved in the events you plan. Or bail because it doesn't suit them.

From this I deduced that you plan things that suit YOU. a reasonable assumption from what you wrote. If I'm mis-interpreting then maybe you could be clearer in future.

Saying that, I still don't think you have grounds for getting annoyed. Other people have their own lives, you might be unhappy that someone(s) don't come to whatever you organise, but why're you getting annoyed with them? If something comes up, it comes up, if someone is just lazy, don't invite them in future.

Those are the only two scenarios, the former you have no rights to complain about. The latter, well why would you keep inviting people if they keep cancelling?

johnstu77v

i was da same way a few years ago always planing ahead and people were always backin out at da last moment all dat changed wen i started going out wit some one relax its just da fear of been on ur own and im sure every person at some stage dose'nt feel like going out or dose do something else just chill out ask some of ur friends to make da plans and let u back out for a change (wots good for d goose is good for da gander) as sayin gose

WEST

forestfruits wrote: »

to be honest you just like to do things in a different way--- you plan---- a lot of people dont!

Just stop organising things for a bit or do so the day before.
I hate being booked up, I know it makes no sense but when youve been working all week sometiimes in your time off all you wnat to do it nothing! You may not be able to know this in advance so sometimes you say you will go to things that you eventually change your mind and dont go to!

god im rambling but point is just stop for a bit and let ppl invite you places instead.

I'm like you forestfruits! I need at least a weekend a month were I have nothing to do or planned. If I'm tired I stay in and watch a movie and maybe order some food. If I'm full of energy I can head out for a few pints, all can be done on the spur of the moment. To be honest I do most things on the spur of the moment and maybe some of your friends are like that.

If I had to drive some where every weekend to some planned event I'd go crazy. A lot of the time that's like a chore for me and if I had different friends planning weekends I'd have to cancel the odd time.

STUBBORNGIRL

BroomBurner wrote: »

There seems to be a lot of confusion here with the OP and herself. Maybe you're right, your friends don't really like being around you and will agree to things organised by other people because then they'll know that at least it won't be just you there.

Is that what you want to hear?

It's getting tiring reading responses to your post then you replying that they've taken you out of context. If you think everyone here is taking you out of context, maybe it's you that doesn't see the wood for the trees.

Sounds harsh, but don't post if you don't like getting a variety of responses that aren't the ones you want to hear.

I have taken what everyone has said into account and i am really sorry if you think i am not listening to people! i know i am overreacting and i think your first paragraph is a bit harsh because i dont think i would have many friends if that was the case and to be honest there are a lot of friends that are thankful that i organise things and am interested in getting groups of people together for a good time!

I am grateful for the variety of responses believe it or not.I merely have corrected posters where i feel they have misread into my response or my original post.

From what i have read i have taken the following on board. - i am going to stop organising events for a while, take a backseat and learn to enjoy spending more time with myself. I am not going to worry about people who cannot commit to plans made by either me or my friends in future. I will let things just happen around me and be spontaneous from time to time

And as for angry badger - not too bothered about your responses anyway cause i've read some of your responses to other threads and I rarely agree with you

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond and voice their opinions - much appreciated! even the posts i did not want to hear!

pickarooney

I used to have the exact opposite problem when I lived in Holland. I would always try and get people to head out for a few drinks on a Friday after work and everyone would pull out his diary and say "I have a free spot in six weeks".

I'm afraid I don't have much advice for you (unless you feel like moving to the Netherlands), but I imagine you're not alone, you just need to find like-minded people to spend your weekends with.

vorbis

I think the core issue here is not the OP's desire to plan but rather that friends AGREE to plans and then cancel at the last minute. I'm not a planner myself but that is very disrespectful behavior. It would piss me off as well. I never commit to something that I might back out of. Its simple manners imo. If you don't want to go, say so!

The best advice is as someone else said to lock people into the event. Collect money as early as possible. I'd stop organizing events where you can't do that. e.g. going to a restaurant. Let someone else handle the headache.

Dee369369

Ino how u feel wen people back out of made plans for no reason. before i made plans with one of my friends for one morning for that afternoon,she was all excited bout it asking who was goin saying she couldn't wait to go and then wen i said wat time to meet up she said oh well if i can't make it njoy...meaning she wasn't goin! u just have to find the people that u can trust to show up and mention it to ur other friends but don't expect or rely on them to be there and u might be pleasantly surprised.

Miss Fluff

Personally speaking OP, the anal behaviour that you demonstrate, having MONTHS worth of activities planned in advance would freak me out. Can't you be spontaneous at all and see where the wind takes you?

From your post, you mention that you go home religiously every weekend down the country and that you work in Dublin. It seems you have no friends here in Dublin so would you not think about expanding your social circle and expanding your horizons a bit? You plan things with such military precision because I would guess you have the same group of childhood friends. Try and make new friends and take up new activities. People have their own lives and you can't just expect people to drop everything because you are too afraid of spending time in your own company, this all stems from low self-esteem.

Time you shook your life up a little, don't go home every weekend and try and socialise with different groups. Stop being a control freak by having to plan activites in advance. Where's the excitement in that? By meeting new people you will increase your own confidence and will be equally happy to go off absolutely anywhere (the crazier the better) with half an hour's notice or sit in on your own pampering yourself for an evening. Time to take stock OP and relinquish some of this obsessive controlling behaviour, surprises are great and allowing yourself to be flexible will give you a freedom you never knew existed.

So in summary? Chill the f8ck out, seriously. Good luck OP, hope it works out for you.

bangersandmash

vorbis wrote: »

I think the core issue here is not the OP's desire to plan but rather that friends AGREE to plans and then cancel at the last minute.... If you don't want to go, say so!

That's nice in theory. In reality circumstances change. A night out may seem like a good idea on Monday, but after a stressful week at work or a disagreement with a partner, by Friday they may regret agreeing to the plan. Personally I would rather someone drop out at the last minute, than make a "passing visit" or attend begrudgingly.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You plan things with such military precision because I would guess you have the same group of childhood friends.

Is this the case OP? I have a number of acquaintances who were part of large, tight-knit groups during their teens, and who unsuccessfully attempt to recreate the same social situation in later life, even though most of them have drifted apart and moved on with their lives. Meeting new people might change things considerably for you.

Some useful suggestions have been made on this thread - try taking a backseat for a few months and let others do the work, or organise nights out with smaller groups (2-4 others). Also, if you do want to arrange a night out, how about making it less formal? Go to a restaurant that doesn't take bookings, or simply meet up in a pub or cafe. A more casual night might actually make people more likely to attend.

As others said, I find the best nights are often spontaneous, whereas those that are planned to precision can often be a real disappointment. Something to keep in mind.

STUBBORNGIRL

Oh genie I am so sorry for all the confusion! it is very hard to get your point across on this when you are typing so fast in work for the fear of getting caught!

Now i have time at home here goes ...im going to try and explain myself better

-i dont have to have everything planned precisely, I am an easy going person to be honest, i just like organising events to bring friends together and have a laugh - i do not do this every single weekend and as i have a very mixed group of friends it would be impossible anyway. Because of college and school and different places i have worked i have a wide variety of friends who i get to see every few months. There are loads of nights out that jsut happen without being planned! the issue here is not be planning everything to perfection or always having to do things ( i liked to have things to do but not necessarily all the time) i do leave things to chance!

- I most definitely am not a control freak (well not in the sense that i understand the word anyway) i believe in live and let live and all that. If someone doesnt want to do something that i am doing then that is their choice - the problem only arises when someone says oh yeah i am on for that and then couldnt be bothered when it is planned.

- I dont go home every weekend and to be honest it may be once a month or maybe twice - i used the example of when i go home i like to have something organised so that it is not a waste of time! God the drive would kill me every weekend. My friends are always at me to go home and we will plan things but on special occasions or ones that i am really looking forward to, someone will pull out.

The main issue/concern i had was that when i make plans with people and they back out so late without little notice or any consideration it gets annoying - i was wondering if that would Piss other people off aswell or was I wrong to be getting thick for such a futile reason! I think for the people who understood my post agreed with me and some of those that misinterpreted what i had said made snide remarks about me having cheek to expect other people to run to my every beck and call and basically got the impression that i called all the shots! Which i promise is so not me!

Sorry to all of you who misunderstod my original post and subsequent postings. it is very hard to put down in writing exactly what you want to say.

I think that this post can probably be closed now Mods to avoid any further confusion. Ill choose my wording more carefully in future.:)

p

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

thank you! i can relate to that and respect that people are spontaneous and after a while you do get to know the friends that are like that and you know that while they dont give a definite answer at least they havent wasted your time saying yes when they really meant no!

You really are quite stubborn aren't you.

In this thread you've disagreed with anyone who's said anything you didn't want to hear. Yes, you are a bit of a control freak, that's ok. Yes, you are being petty. Yes, you live your life in a different way to your friends, that's ok too. People will pull out of things a lot, and that's ok, it's not personal, try not to let it get to you.

I'd guess that when you ask your friends to do something they probably feel like they can't say no to you, and feel pressured into saying yes, because it's easier than the other way around.

My suggestion to you is start to relax and realise people work in different ways to you. Maybe join some clubs or something to get the big trips out of your system and concentrate on hanging out with your friends in casual ways. It doesn't take much organising to go for pints or meet for coffee.

Finally, one big tip I have when you do organise things is, don't try organise a trip for 10 people. Talk to people and get a seed of an idea that people might be interested in. Then, get one or two people who seem the most interested on board. Usually trips away tend to start small and then grow as more people come on board, rather than the other way around. Trips with friends aren't like business trips. You can plan a business trip, but social events are more organic, so try loosen up a little and let it happen naturally.

StormWarrior

Sounds like they feel a bit pressured to say yes to something that they don't really want to do. You say, why can't your friends make the "effort" like you do? Maybe they don't want their social life to be an effort and just want to do whatever they feel like at the time. I think you just need to accept that not everyone likes to make definite plans in advance and stick to them if they change their mind. Weekends are supposed to be fun, not a duty of sticking to plans when you would rather be elsewhere. Anyway, do you really want them hanging out with you only because of a sense of duty, when the whole time they are thinking, "I wish I was doing xyz right now instead."

If you like organised events and your friends don't, and you don't like to be alone, why not get a hobby that runs organised events at the weekends?