relationship or single ?

heavyheart

My Sister is in a really tough situation at the moment whereby even thou she loves her boyfriend he does some silly embarrassing things when he gets really drunk ! She is thinking about calling it all off as its getting relentless but she was single for years ,maybe 5 years ,and she was just miserable !
Im starting to wonder you would rather salvage a relationship and if so what to what extent or face singledom ?

Solarball10

heavyheart wrote: »

My Sister is in a really tough situation at the moment whereby even thou she loves her boyfriend he does some silly embarrassing things when he gets really drunk ! She is thinking about calling it all off as its getting relentless but she was single for years ,maybe 5 years ,and she was just miserable !
Im starting to wonder you would rather salvage a relationship and if so what to what extent or face singledom ?

awwwww! My b/f gets like that when drunk as well...he can do pretty stupid stuff...what kinda stuff does your sister's fella do? depends if it's funny silly, or serious/dangerous silly really....

Being scared of being single has to be the worst reason ever to stay in a relationship.

Wibbs

Kinda no brainer really, though it depends on the definition of love. If I love someone they may irritate me at times, but breaking up with them doesn't enter my head as a serious notion. If she's in the relationship, just because she's miserable single then frankly she shouldn't be in the relationship. That's all too common and I must say way more common with the laydees.

heavyheart

Moonbaby wrote: »

Being scared of being single has to be the worst reason ever to stay in a relationship.

no, i didnt say she was scared of being single i said she was miserable single...but i dont think that will stop her if shes adament its not working. She was just really upset last night and i just didnt no what to say ...

heavyheart

i think she is at the stage in the relationship where the " cant take my hands of you " stage is over and now he spending more nights out with the lads getting drunk as an arse etc (than he did previously )...i think thats whats spurred on all of this ..

heavyheart

heavyheart wrote: »

no, i didnt say she was scared of being single i said she was miserable single...

I'm failing to see the difference if that is her logic.

Wibbs

Well if she was miserable single, then she probably doesn't want to go back to that, so while she may not be "scared" as such, it may be a reason she stays. That could be a big part of why she stays.

The love thing is a harder one to call. She may like the boyfriend, may fancy him, may even love him as a person, but if she's thinking of jacking it in I would reckon she may not love him as a partner. That's cool too as it may have run it's course.

JaneyMc

You can't use the Im afraid of being single excuse to stay in a relationship that you are not happy in. Everyone gets scared of singledom sometimes, but if my boyfriend was embarrassing me so much that I was considering breaking it off with him, then I'd get out of there.

Wibbs

heavyheart wrote: »

i think she is at the stage in the relationship where the " cant take my hands of you " stage is over and now he spending more nights out with the lads getting drunk as an arse etc (than he did previously )...i think thats whats spurred on all of this ..

Yep the honeymoon period has passed. Always a hard transition to navigate too. Thoughts of a break at that point are usually for good reason. They both know each other and are now reverting to type as opposed to holding parts of their personalities back as most do in the early stages. Basically she's getting the default him as opposed to the him she thought he was.

jellie

going back to being single after a long time in a relationship IS scary. so id imagine its scarier if you were miserable single. but if somethings not working anymore sometimes you just have to let go.

heavyheart

Wibbs wrote: »

They both know each other and are now reverting to type as opposed to holding parts of their personalities back as most do in the early stages. Basically she's getting the default him as opposed to the him she thought he was.

Im sorry i dont really understand that ? And how do i explain to her thats whats happening and why ????

Karen_*

I think its infinately better to be single than to be with someone who's wrecking your head. You say 'face singledom' as if it was some terrible disease that required bravery!:p

mollybird

single life may change for her this time. i know i was single for about 4 years before my ex and then just like your sis he did seriously stupid things when he got drunk and he was very childish so i broke it off. but must admit wasn't scared of being single again as thought it gave me a chance to get with my (who i thought was ) soulmate. it didn't work out of course and got with my current OH a month later. and two years later i know he is the one for me.

just tell your sister if she does break up with him to enjoy her freedom and she'll find someone when she isn't looking. it always ended up that way for me.

Wibbs

While you can't say all relationships have a sequence and people like to think they're special, most relationships do.

At the start we put our best foot and personality traits forward. Consciously and subconsciously, we're selling ourselves to the other person. We all know what parts of us we know may put someone off and tend to hide them.

We also have an idea in our heads early on about the person we fall for. In the early days, we make the other person fit that template, either because we ignore the bits that don't fit, or they hide them parts.

Add in hormones and hornyness and you get being "in love".

Also add in unrealistic expectations, bad male/female templates because of past issues and the water gets even muddier.

Now over time our "real" face comes out. Our default setting as it were. Now if that real us is pretty close to the image built up by the other person and vice versa then even when the first rush of in love wears off, the relationship has a good chance of working.

Most relationships go south when those differences come up. That can be at 6 months, a year or 2. Relationships that break up after that are usually down to just basically the story has been fully explored.

When you're in the "in love" state it's hard to see beyond it or step back from it. Naturally, nature wants you to forget and get up the duff.

IMHO women are less good at stepping back. The words they use to describe the person in their life are more vague. Chemistry, spark, he's the "one" etc. You will very rarely hear those things with guys. So if the guy is not compatible, the realisation may come across as more vague too. Fell out of love, spark isnt there, etc.

She needs to step back and look at what she wants. If he's the guy she wants to spend her days with. If not and the problems/issues can't be overcome then she should call a halt.

Wibbs

Oh yea, good rule of thumb. Things that worry you or irritate you about someone when you start out with them, are likely the very things that will split you up or at least be serious issues. I'd put money your sister was a little concerned about his drinking buddies, but figured now he's with me so... Also look at how he treats women he's not gettin jiggy with, as that's how he'll treat her down the line.

heavyheart

Thanks Wibbs that was an excellent post.
So, final question, would you think that what they have outside the issue of the drink would be enough to keep them together ? Cause he is totally different not drinking , he loves her i no he does and i no he thinks a lot of her and her of him, i just hate to see her giving up on it ??

Wibbs

If he wants to change, yes. If he wants to change for him, yes. If he does it "for her", or because he feels pressure to do it from her, the change won't last and this will come back to bite them both.

Dudess

Why was your sister miserable when she was single?

ntlbell

heavyheart wrote: »

Thanks Wibbs that was an excellent post.
So, final question, would you think that what they have outside the issue of the drink would be enough to keep them together ? Cause he is totally different not drinking , he loves her i no he does and i no he thinks a lot of her and her of him, i just hate to see her giving up on it ??

what sort of embarrassing things does he do when drunk?

Does he do these things _every_ single time he takes a drink?

John Mason

Oh your sister is miserable in a relationship and she was miserable when she was single.

Okay, your sister sounds miserable and she will be miserable whether she is in a relationship of not, she just needs to accept the fact that she is a moany person or change it

ntlbell

irishbird wrote: »

Oh your sister is miserable in a relationship and she was miserable when she was single.

Okay, your sister sounds miserable and she will be miserable whether she is in a relationship of not, she just needs to accept the fact that she is a moany person or change it

hmm, you worked all that out from a few lines of text?

John Mason

ntlbell wrote: »

hmm, you worked all that out from a few lines of text?

yip - me clever

Dudess

heavyheart wrote: »

i think she is at the stage in the relationship where the " cant take my hands of you " stage is over and now he spending more nights out with the lads getting drunk as an arse etc (than he did previously )...i think thats whats spurred on all of this ..

That happens in lots of relationships - it's where compromise comes in.

heavyheart

irishbird wrote: »

Oh your sister is miserable in a relationship and she was miserable when she was single.

Okay, your sister sounds miserable and she will be miserable whether she is in a relationship of not, she just needs to accept the fact that she is a moany person or change it

Your mad irishbird ? youve met her have you ? If you havent anything constructive to say then please dont bother writing anything or at least not as stupid and as judgmental as that last post.

heavyheart

ntlbell wrote: »

what sort of embarrassing things does he do when drunk?

Does he do these things _every_ single time he takes a drink?

Not not everysingle time...
But he could arrange to meet her and their friends then feck off with his friends and not answer her calls for the night... or he could could get stupid drunk and mention/joke about their private life amongst friends...

jellie

heavyheart wrote: »

Not not everysingle time...
But he could arrange to meet her and their friends then feck off with his friends and not answer her calls for the night... or he could could get stupid drunk and mention/joke about their private life amongst friends...

Sorry but he sounds like a complete a**hole, I wouldnt put up with that crap, drunk or not.

i dont mean to be a b*tch, but you seem to be convinced that she should break up with him & are trying to find a way to persuade her. surely this is her decision?

heavyheart

sar84 wrote: »

Sorry but he sounds like a complete a**hole, I wouldnt put up with that crap, drunk or not.

i dont mean to be a b*tch, but you seem to be convinced that she should break up with him & are trying to find a way to persuade her. surely this is her decision?

How did you get that ? Im the opposite i want to see her maybe try something out not break up .. re-read my posts ...

" would you think that what they have outside the issue of the drink would be enough to keep them together ? Cause he is totally different not drinking , he loves her i no he does and i no he thinks a lot of her and her of him, i just hate to see her giving up on it ??"

jellie

heavyheart wrote: »

How did you get that ? Im the opposite i want to see her maybe try something out not break up .. re-read my posts ...

" would you think that what they have outside the issue of the drink would be enough to keep them together ? Cause he is totally different not drinking , he loves her i no he does and i no he thinks a lot of her and her of him, i just hate to see her giving up on it ??"

dont know, sorry, maybe it was just a quick read of the thread & it seemed very negative. wasnt anything specific.

either way, its up to her, she shouldnt stay with or break up with someone because someone else tells her its the right thing to do.

i dont mean that as an attack on you, ive just had so many people tell me a recent breakup was right/wrong or had people tell me to break up with him before, & i dont think anyone knows what really goes on in a relationship other than the 2 people in it.

heavyheart

sar84 wrote: »

i dont mean that as an attack on you, ive just had so many people tell me a recent breakup was right/wrong or had people tell me to break up with him before, & i dont think anyone knows what really goes on in a relationship other than the 2 people in it.

I totally agree with you 100% .
Each to their own eh ?

FlexiLexi

single.

if she is miserable being single it does bring up a few issues about herself though. i mean you need to love yourself before can love another properly.

King of Kings

heavyheart wrote: »

Your mad irishbird ? youve met her have you ? If you havent anything constructive to say then please dont bother writing anything or at least not as stupid and as judgmental as that last post.

i'm with irishbird on this.
you're not giving us much more to go on.

she should take control of her life and have the life she wants not the default one she has ended up with,.