Complete and utter tw*t

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, going unreg for this..

I guess I am trying more than anything to get my thoughts on 'paper' coz I feel like I'm going crazy!!!

I am 30 years of age, living with my lovely boyfriend for nearly 3 years. I have a great job that I love and it is extremely busy. Living away from Ireland for a couple of years now in London. Have lots of friends, active life so no complaints on that score. My 'problem' is this... when I was younger, talking about 10 years ago onwards I fell madly in lust with an older guy who lived near where I did. The mere sight of him made me go weak at the knees. After much admiring from afar, we eventually got together and had amazing chats hours into the night and slept together maybe 5 or 6 times over a period of 3/4 years. We have always had lots of time for each other and are always happy to see each other. He is/was a total boyo and I was never under any illusion that we were anywhere near a relationship. Anyway, fast forward years later and we've both moved on with our lives and would still see each other in the local when we were both home but no big deal. I haven't seen him for about two years now.

Really getting to the point now! From out of nowhere, for about 6 months, I have been thinking about him LOADS. I feel stupid and childish and I think it is totally irrational to think about someone who I wasn't in love with and I haven't seen in so long! Thing is that my brother bumped into him in London about 3 months ago and turns out he is living here which has made my thoughts of him to become even more intense. I got out at night praying that I'll bump into him, I daydream about him on the train, I feel all warm when I think about him. I feel like a THICK and I feel like an absolute b*tch as if I have already cheated on my boyfriend who is lovely, funny and amazing. I have the most intense real dreams about this other guy, like all the time. I can't stress how ridiculous I feel, searching for him on the Internet and everything.

Please please someone tell me that it's normal for a (usually) sane 30 year old to have a major crush come on her from nowhere??? Has someone ever experienced this?? I am feeling like a stupid 16 year old with a crush on a pop star and I feel like dirt for feeling this way about someone who is not my boyfriend. I think about him all the time. It's driving me absolutely crazy!

RedXIV

Thinking about something and doing it are too very different things. Be honest with yourself, if this crush were to walk into your life tomorrow, would you cheat on your bf? if so, then yes you have an issue, if you think you could control yourself, then don't worry about.

The issue here is not about fantasizing, plenty of people do that, it's about self control, and do you have it?

LegacyUser

Hi Red, thanks for your quick reply.

I don't think I ever will see him and no, I wouldn't cheat because I would rather die than hurt my lovely man. I am just confused - and extremely embarrassed - as to why I have suddenly reverted to being an immature teenager with a major crush. I am annoyed and confused and don't think it's anything other than harmless fantasy but I don't understand it.

Like I said, I have a busy job and social life so it's not boredom or substitution in any way. I don't have the most active sex life so maybe it's that? I just wanted to know if anyone else felt this way, feel like an idiot.

Dragan

RedXIV wrote: »

Thinking about something and doing it are too very different things. Be honest with yourself, if this crush were to walk into your life tomorrow, would you cheat on your bf? if so, then yes you have an issue, if you think you could control yourself, then don't worry about.

The issue here is not about fantasizing, plenty of people do that, it's about self control, and do you have it?

Pretty much spot on imo.

One more thing i would add. These feelings about your Fantasy Man are being brought on by something. Is it possible that you are getting itchy feet, thinking somewhere in your mind that it is pretty much settling down time and maybe on last dalliance couldn't hurt?

It happens, people do all kinds of stupid things because of it. I'm not saying that is the case but it can be and it might be worth your while to decide if you really are happy as you are right now.

You said you cheated on your fella before...such things are normally a good indicator that something is not where you need it in a relationship.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Do we know if fantasy man is single...? He may well be happily married with a family (or even just in a relationship).

LegacyUser

Dragan wrote: »

Pretty much spot on imo.

One more thing i would add. These feelings about your Fantasy Man are being brought on by something. Is it possible that you are getting itchy feet, thinking somewhere in your mind that it is pretty much settling down time and maybe on last dalliance couldn't hurt?

It happens, people do all kinds of stupid things because of it. I'm not saying that is the case but it can be and it might be worth your while to decide if you really are happy as you are right now.

You said you cheated on your fella before...such things are normally a good indicator that something is not where you need it in a relationship.

Hi Dragan,

No, I have never cheated on my bf - I said I felt as IF I have but I haven't and I never would, would kill me to do that. I don't even look or notice fellas on the street or at work etc. so that's why I'm a little confused.

Being honest, I guess I have always had a very soft spot for the other fella since I was 16, I was completely mad into him. He is a bit of a fantasy and yes, things are no longer at the passionate, exciting stage with my bf anymore so maybe that's it. I only ever had the good times with the other fella and no reality so it's easy to be dreamy eyed about him. He is stunning looking, in his mid/late thirties so there is a bit of an idolising thing going on.

Ah, I am sure I will cop onto myself soon...

Dragan

feelsochildish wrote: »

Hi Dragan,

No, I have never cheated on my bf - I said I felt as IF I have but I haven't and I never would, would kill me to do that. I don't even look or notice fellas on the street or at work etc. so that's why I'm a little confused.

Being honest, I guess I have always had a very soft spot for the other fella since I was 16, I was completely mad into him. He is a bit of a fantasy and yes, things are no longer at the passionate, exciting stage with my bf anymore so maybe that's it. I only ever had the good times with the other fella and no reality so it's easy to be dreamy eyed about him. He is stunning looking, in his mid/late thirties so there is a bit of an idolising thing going on.

Ah, I am sure I will cop onto myself soon...

Ah, my apologies. What i would suggest is that you put some effort into picking things up with your boyfriend. Have a chat with him and mention that things have cooled and you want to bring some passion back.

If that is an issue for you then open conversation with your partner is the way to go with it. He sounds like a good chap and when approached in the right way this subject is not a bad thing to bring up by any means.

RedXIV

feelsochildish wrote: »

Hi Red, thanks for your quick reply.

I don't think I ever will see him and no, I wouldn't cheat because I would rather die than hurt my lovely man. I am just confused - and extremely embarrassed - as to why I have suddenly reverted to being an immature teenager with a major crush. I am annoyed and confused and don't think it's anything other than harmless fantasy but I don't understand it.

Like I said, I have a busy job and social life so it's not boredom or substitution in any way. I don't have the most active sex life so maybe it's that? I just wanted to know if anyone else felt this way, feel like an idiot.

In that case lass, you have nothing to worry about, you are experiencing something i'd guess most of the world do. Fantasies occur to people as a mental outlet for desires and daydreams. As long as they aren't acted on, they are perfectly harmless.

Hope this helps OP

Red

Wurly

Well, what is your relationship like with your current boyfriend? You mention that he is lovely and all that. But is it possible that you may be a bit bored? These feelings had to have been spurred on by something and if you were really 100% happy in your relationship, then I don't think that these fantasies would occur. Certainly not to the extent that you describe anyway.

Looby_Loo

When I first read the OP, it sounded to me like things are maybe settling down to a very serious/ longterm relationship with your partner. In that case I think its only natural to wonder if the grass would be greener with your ex. Thats all that it sounds like tbh, a fantasy as you accepted the limitations of that relationship when you were in it.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, you have actually made me feel better Thought I was going a bit mad for a while there.

You are all hitting the nail on the head - I AM feeling a bit bored in my relationship just told my bf that last week actually but we're off on holliers soon so hopefully that might help things.

Thanks for all your replies x

Affable

It just seems strange that you would have desires for this guy again, especially since you consummated your relationship with him before. Crushes usually go away after that period of time.

girl2

I would just recommend that you meet up with him and see what happens.....it might just turn out that you will see you are no longer attracted to him. If anything does happen you then need to re-evaluate the relationship you are currently in??

I think things need to be got out of our systems.

But think about your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think you are busy and not investing quality time with your BF.
If you make time for each other, ie a short break the fantasy will most likely go away.

the fantasy is a form of escapism and everything looks great with it, thats cos its a fantasy.

ITs the rut/busy life you need to solve not an imagination, take some quality time with the other half

MJOR

Ok heres my take on it.... He's like your "Brad Pitt" you know that its unlikeley you'll ever sleep with him or actually touch him again but you enjoy the fantasy....

Most women feel this way about some movie star celeb. You feel guily because you have actually slept with him albeit before your current BF.

Just remember now that he's nearly ten years on...probably old and senile:o

Miss Fluff

Don't beat yourself up OP, there's a big difference between having a fantasy and going ahead and acting on it. It's ok to get turned on thinking about stuff that doesn't involve your partner. From your posts I do think it sounds like you need to spice things up between you and your BF (who sounds like a good bloke by the way). When are you going on holiday? Why don't you have a self-imposed sex ban until then so by the time the holiday comes around you'll both be rearing to go?