Relationship problems

LegacyUser

Hi, long time poster but i'm going to go unreg'ed for this. I've been going out with my gf for 9 months but i'm not feeling my relationship is going not too well at the moment. My (I realise this is my problem) main problem concerns an issue of trust. I don't feel like i can trust her. When she goes out without me she always makes an extra effort while i find she doesn't make much of an effort when she's around me. She has described herself as "gamey" several times in the past. Many times in the past I have mentioned how i would never cheat on her as it's something i wouldn't do (she mentioned how she'd 'break my legs if i ever did something to her' in a quasi-joking way) though she has never offered similar statements. She has mentioned how she fancied guys within close enough social circles - in a club where i am not (this is pretty much the only time we don't spend together as we're in a similar college course and share some similar interests). Am i way off the mark and jealous for no reason?
Yesterday i sent her a message early on in the day and later on in the evening. She replied early in the morning saying she had forgotten to reply to me, that she had a great night out and that "i totally know you're the man for me". Am I acting paranoid that i sense something must have happened for her to say this? It was almost like something had reaffirmed this in her mind, only i don't know what it is. (Idle speculation i know but it is something playing on my mind).
Although they might seem superfluous I feel there are also other issues between us (that probably have resulted in the present situation). Firstly i don't feel like we have enough contact; she's in another part of the country and is working so we might see each other once every two weeks. During this period we'd normally text once or twice a day and have a short phone call at night. She ends the phone calls as she has nothing left to say. I've made all the effort to go to her over the summer (i don't have a job) and any time she comes up it's for college and she'll stay at mine.
At the start of the relationship our sex life was fantastic, at stages i couldn't keep up, however now it doesn't feel like she's into it. We're having it less and it feels like she's doing it to humour me.
The last time we met up we had quite a row which was unusually tense and emotion fueled however we resolved the issues and things felt great.
One final thing that has always been present in the relationship is that we don't get each other's sense of humour at all. The relationship seems serious all the time with attempts of humour failing on both sides.

As i type this i feel as if i'm one of those clingy people who won't let their partner alone for a moment (which frightens me!) however it's hard to let my gut feelings go.
I don't want to paint her as the bad person as she's not, she's fantastic and always challenges me in good ways. I deserve criticism (which i'll probably get) but i'm a little shaken at the moment having come off the phone with her. I suppose this is my form of venting and it doesn't make much sense (i'll elaborate as my mind clears) but i'd appreciate any advice or suggestions.

R0ot

Unreg'ed101 wrote: »

Hi, long time poster but i'm going to go unreg'ed for this. I've been going out with my gf for 9 months but i'm not feeling my relationship is going not too well at the moment. My (I realise this is my problem) main problem concerns an issue of trust. I don't feel like i can trust her.

Well this is pretty much the problem with a lot of relationships, trust. Really there isn't much you can do without seeming like the over protective boyfriend.

It boils down to how you feel, which you are saying you can't trust her, so either you try and offer to go out with her on the nights she usually goes out without you and try and reaffirm the trust you once had with her or you go on distrusting her which will sooner or later end the relationship, either out of an accusation by you to her or something actually happening.

Unreg'ed101 wrote: »

When she goes out without me she always makes an extra effort while i find she doesn't make much of an effort when she's around me.

Well what i've found with myself personally and viewing other friends is people in relationships for extended periods of time (i'm not putting a definite number on this as it varies) feel they don't have to, I don't want to say try as hard as that sounds horrible, put up so much of a disguise or a front around each other where as they would do it on nights out around strangers or not so close friends so you can't really crucify her for that.

Unreg'ed101 wrote: »

She has described herself as "gamey" several times in the past. Many times in the past I have mentioned how i would never cheat on her as it's something i wouldn't do (she mentioned how she'd 'break my legs if i ever did something to her' in a quasi-joking way) though she has never offered similar statements. She has mentioned how she fancied guys within close enough social circles - in a club where i am not (this is pretty much the only time we don't spend together as we're in a similar college course and share some similar interests). Am i way off the mark and jealous for no reason?

I'm curious to your definition of what "gamey" means. Lets assume the best here that she doesn't have to say she wouldn't cheat as she assumes you'd already know that (again a trust issue, you either believe in her or not and that boils down to your own feelings). It's natural to be a bit jealous just don't let it consume you and don't be too paranoid.

Unreg'ed101 wrote: »

Yesterday i sent her a message early on in the day and later on in the evening. She replied early in the morning saying she had forgotten to reply to me, that she had a great night out and that "i totally know you're the man for me". Am I acting paranoid that i sense something must have happened for her to say this? It was almost like something had reaffirmed this in her mind, only i don't know what it is. (Idle speculation i know but it is something playing on my mind).

Again about the late text message and the content don't feel overly worried about it, the content is a bit suggestive but again it could be she had a talk with a few friends saying how lucky she was to have you etc. I'm not saying walk around oblivious to what might be going on just as i've already said if you feel you can't trust her either take the initiative and try and get the trust you had for her back or move on (last option tbh don't go directly to move on).

Unreg'ed101 wrote: »

Although they might seem superfluous I feel there are also other issues between us (that probably have resulted in the present situation). Firstly i don't feel like we have enough contact; she's in another part of the country and is working so we might see each other once every two weeks. During this period we'd normally text once or twice a day and have a short phone call at night. She ends the phone calls as she has nothing left to say. I've made all the effort to go to her over the summer (i don't have a job) and any time she comes up it's for college and she'll stay at mine.

Long distance relationships are always dependant on the people in the relationship, sometimes they work other times they don't. Don't get into the position where it is only you making all the effort to see each other as its a 2 person thing! Hell I am horrible at phone calls, some people just are and don't feel comfortable talking on the phone, she could be the same and is just getting all the news and gossip out of the way and then since there is nothing else to say she'll want out of an uncomfortable situation (for her) asap, its nothing to do with a relationship its just the way some people are. I got some major stick for it on my last girlfriend as my phone conversations where "yeah, a huh, yep, nope, k, bye, see ya soon" horrible I know

Unreg'ed101 wrote: »

At the start of the relationship our sex life was fantastic, at stages i couldn't keep up, however now it doesn't feel like she's into it. We're having it less and it feels like she's doing it to humour me.

Throw some spice into that sex life! You have the internet at your fingertips and there are thousands of resources out there to help you get the sex life moving again.

Unreg'ed101 wrote: »

The last time we met up we had quite a row which was unusually tense and emotion fueled however we resolved the issues and things felt great.
One final thing that has always been present in the relationship is that we don't get each other's sense of humour at all. The relationship seems serious all the time with attempts of humour failing on both sides.

To say that every couple will get each other on every aspect of themselves would be a down right miracle, your different doesn't mean you can't get along on other things.

Unreg'ed101 wrote: »

As i type this i feel as if i'm one of those clingy people who won't let their partner alone for a moment (which frightens me!) however it's hard to let my gut feelings go.
I don't want to paint her as the bad person as she's not, she's fantastic and always challenges me in good ways. I deserve criticism (which i'll probably get) but i'm a little shaken at the moment having come off the phone with her. I suppose this is my form of venting and it doesn't make much sense (i'll elaborate as my mind clears) but i'd appreciate any advice or suggestions.

Trust your feelings as they usually lead you the right way, however try talking to her if your concerned, hell if you can't talk to each other that's a bad sign. I'm sure the rest of boards will be able to provide you with a heap more advice on the matter as well. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hey thanks for your reply Root, it's much appreciated.

As an update after i posted, she came up to me (college related) and we were talking and getting on fine. She told me how some portugese guy was trying to give her a rose for lots of the night, then how at one stage she turned around to have him sucking at her neck! (presumably she told him to get lost) and finally that he squeezed her bum!

Anyway we were getting on great and it was like old times though i think we were a bit more on edge - she thought i was going to breakup with her which obviously didn't happen as i'd only do that if i was really certain we had no future.

I got a text there saying that she was going over to paul's house after work to have a long chat (I'm not sure if i've heard her mention him, he might have been mentioned once before) and that she was sure i'd be asleep by the time she got back so she'd call me asap the next day (it's 13.20 now and no call).

Honestly at this stage it is niggling at me as to what she has been doing but i don't have the burning jealousy that i had before; it's more a feeling of ambivalence though i feel slightly hurt that she can have a long chat into the hours with this guy and i only get 10 mins.

Things seem to be going well when we're together but when we're apart they feel not right. College will have us very close together ( i fear it might be a case of too close) so i'm worried about the fallout if something is to happen, and it would be difficult to say " i need more time for me studies or anything like that"

I suppose i'm not sure if i'm in love with her any more. At this stage i'm quite confuddled

mbren

Op, I think you should end this relationship. It sounds way too much like hard work.

Relationships are supposed to be fun and it sounds like your climbing the walls with this one. I know that probably sounds a little blunt, but the way I look at it is, life is too short to be having your head wrecked the way yours seems to be!

Whatever you do, I hope it works out ;-)

MJOR

Ok I'm a girl and in a Long distance relationship.

I text my BF some days more than others and vice versa.

She is totally wrong in telling you about the amount of attention she recieves and is probably doing it to let you know that you're "lucky" to have her. Women do that to give themselves esteem sometimes.

Not that I''m going for the sainthood or anything but I'd never do that to my BF especially given the physical distance between us. Most girls get chatted up lots when they go out. Its a fact but not one she should rub your nose in.

I'd say have a good hard look at where you want this to go.

You're not being clingy or needy by wanting a reply when you text but its posible she just forgets her phone

Have a chat give her a chance and see where it goes.

anonymous_joe

Problem is, you aren't being clingy here, you just want the phone call you were promised. However, if that annoys you, it can somehow be spun to make you seem clingy.

If I'm honest, I'd suggest you two have a talk about what's bothering you both. If you do care for each other, then things can work themselves out, if you don't then it wouldn't have worked anyway.

Good luck whatever you do.

Freethinker

Split up. If you dont get each others sense of humour you both could be having such a better time with someone else. Always stick to people who get your sense of humour or you'll end up as part of one of those married couples who havent got anything to say to each other. Split up. after a few months you'll realise it was the best decision you ever made.

Wurly

Ok.

I think she is adding fuel to this fire by the things she is saying.

And I think you are being paranoid. Some of it is justified and some is jumping to conclusions (I of course understand why, though).

Sit her down and tell her this. If she responds in a distant or uncaring way, then I think your relationship is over.

Sometimes people don't realise what is going on in the other's head and it needs to be brought to their attention.

If the other person matters to you, you will try to rectify the situation.

See what happens when you talk to her.

AIR-AUSSIE

mbren wrote: »

Op, I think you should end this relationship. It sounds way too much like hard work.

Relationships are supposed to be fun and it sounds like your climbing the walls with this one. I know that probably sounds a little blunt, but the way I look at it is, life is too short to be having your head wrecked the way yours seems to be!

Whatever you do, I hope it works out ;-)

I gotta agree with what mbren says, its seems like this relationship is ripping you apart and taking a lot out of you.

I can completely see where you're coming from with the whole jealous thing. Maybe you should see how it goes when you go back to college. You certainly should think about what Ro0t said as I think its good advice, relationships always need work but I'm unsure if yours will be worth.

Im the same in a long-distance relationship and I find if you only txt each other which s the case with me, communication can get fairly tangled as they may be busy (or forgetful), not neccessarily ignoring you.

You may need to talk to your gf find out how she feels about the relationship and maybe you should also start going out with friends if you're not already- mite take ur mind off it rather then being at home wondering.

Unfortunately women will always get chatted up by men in a club, ya can't stick a taken sign on her...