Conversationally Challenged

c - 13

Not really a PI I guess but I had no idea where else to put it.

Basically i'm useless when it comes to making small talk or starting conversations and i'd like to change this.

I get uncomfortable making small talk with people in most environments, kind of waiting to run out of things to say and then waiting for the awkward silence. Its fine if its just "State of the weather" one liners with an old lad in the bus stop but in a situation where i want to continue a conversation I blank.

In a situation where I have something in common with a person i'm fine. Say for example they're wearing a shirt of a band I like,I have no problem walking up to them and starting a conversation about music.

I think the problem i have is actually finding something in common that we can talk about.

This is obviously a bit of an issue to me as i've moved recently and would like to make a few more friends here (and also for work purposes etc).

Reading back on this i'm not sure if it makes sense but if anyone has any tips or advice (even reading materials) on this it would be appreciated. Thanks.

Pherekydes

Meet your twin.

cHaTbOx

I don't know about everybody but I pick up on little things like the glasses in your avatar.I'd go "I like your glasses,where did you get them?" just opens conversation with a compliment and they are more likely to participate in a conversation.You can find things in common with everybody,you just have to let them open up to see what they are.

c - 13

random chatbox wrote: »

I don't know about everybody but I pick up on little things like the glasses in your avatar.I'd go "I like your glasses,where did you get them?" just opens conversation with a compliment and they are more likely to participate in a conversation.You can find things in common with everybody,you just have to let them open up to see what they are.

I use that sometimes alright, sometimes it works, sometimes the person may be as inept at conversation as me and we lapse back to silence after a minutes exchange (or i'm just incredibly boring ).

Pherekydes - At least I know i'm not alone anyway !

kaimera

Come to boards beers.

/e

Eh..copped the bahrain location

cHaTbOx

c - 13 wrote: »

I use that sometimes alright, sometimes it works, sometimes the person may be as inept at conversation as me and we lapse back to silence after a minutes exchange (or i'm just incredibly boring ).

Pherekydes - At least I know i'm not alone anyway !

You have to take into account that some people don't want to be talked to and the fact some people just dont hit it off, but if you are friendly and approachable you will find it easy to just carry a conversation.You are not incredibily boring ,boring or remotely boring in the slightest. I can guarantee there are many things people find interesting about .See if you dont hit it off (that awkward silence kicks in) with one person make an excuse and go onto the next.Above all don't have the attidude that you can't carry a conversation, as you will believe it and will become more reclusive.
You need to relax, be yourself and be coinfident.

DenMan

Hi OP

Maybe trying is the one thing you are not supposed to be doing. A natural conversation with someone, even just waiting for the bus should have little or no effort put into it . If someone is talking to you and gets the feeling your lines and responses have been rehearsed it will rapidly deteriorate the conversation. Just be cool about it, no preparation and believe me that little small talk could potentially soon develop into a full blown easy going conversation. The longer the wait for the bus run the better, have fun OP.

hupyago

I used to have terrible trouble trying to talk to people
my mind would be going t the speed of light and I'd end up a nervous wreck
(not very sociable)
the thing is not to worry about it too much and just go with the flow
also being interested helps or just looking around
you'll eventually pick up on something to talk about
also reading a wide variety of subjects oils the gears of the brain that can be kicked into motion when your with people
don't worry about it so much ,enjoy life and friends will follow

Faith

You could make a list, either mentally or physically write it down, of questions you can use to instigate/continue a conversation. It might sound sad, but it works. I started a new job recently, and when I was having a one-on-one conversation with someone I hadn't really spoken to before, I found myself mentally going through my list and ticking off questions. It doesn't have to be big questions, like "What do you think about the war in Iraq?", just things like "Where are you from originally?", "Why are you in Bahrain?", "Where do you work/what do you do?" etc. Each of those will be met with a response that will give you information to form the next question, you just have to be prepared. Eventually then you'll hit on a topic you have in common. Example:

A: What do you do?
B: I'm a student.
A: Oh right, what do you study?
B: English and History.
A: At what college?
B: TCD
A: I went there! I did...

It takes a while of small talk to locate the thing you do have in common.

LegacyUser

I used to be like that but then a few things happened:

I went travelling on my own and realised that I if I didn't want to be alone every day and night, I had to develop an ability to just chat, regardless of how crap I was at it. It was nerve wracking - but after the first few minutes I fell into a groove. Then it was up to both parties to keep it going.

It's not all down to you.

Some people just don't want to get into a conversation which is fine. I have given up trying to talk to certain acqaintances as the effort is not worth the pay off so a quick "hi" suffices.

Asking questions is a great way to start a conversation but constant questioning gets too weird.

Don't rush it - chill. No one is expecting you to be a raconteur.

Also, the more interests you have, the more you have to talk about - even if it's just your favourite tv show.

I have a few friends who I have little in common with (apart from a friend) and it never ceases to amaze me how little I have to say to them - then I might bump into someone I half know and I could happily chat to them for hours. Some people you'll just hit it off with.

af_thefragile

I'm exactly like you dude!
I find it awfully challenging to maintain small talks. Unless i can find something in common with the person.

On the other side my best friend is amazing at small talks, he can hold conversation with pretty much every one he meets. But then he's from New York and like he's grown up around a lot of people.

So i think its mostly about how you grow up. If you grow up in mostly isolation (like me), you'll end up having difficulties keeping up small talks and random conversations. While on the other hand if you grow up mostly around a lot of people (like my friend) you'll end up being more sociable and can have better conversation skills.

Pherekydes

c - 13 wrote: »

...sometimes the person may be as inept at conversation as me...

My very first date with a girl was ruined because she was as shy/inept as I was. I don't think we exchanged 10 total words the whole night! Sad.

RedXIV

Hiya

Keeping a convo going can be difficult, particularly if the other party isn't interested. But if they are, you'll find that they'll jump on everything just as much as you do.

Keep a list of topics in your head, questions that you know you can lead on to a conversation. One i saw in AH recently was "which video game world would you live in if you could?" i love that one because people end up thinking about it, what they'd like to be able to do and i can lead it on the fact that i studied computer games in college.

Also, i can keep a convo going like the best of them, i'll talk to anyone but that doesn't mean even i don't go through phases where i draw a blank. It happens. thats when i fall back on my mental list of questions.

af_thefragile

RedXIV wrote: »

Hiya

Keeping a convo going can be difficult, particularly if the other party isn't interested. But if they are, you'll find that they'll jump on everything just as much as you do.

Keep a list of topics in your head, questions that you know you can lead on to a conversation. One i saw in AH recently was "which video game world would you live in if you could?" i love that one because people end up thinking about it, what they'd like to be able to do and i can lead it on the fact that i studied computer games in college.

Also, i can keep a convo going like the best of them, i'll talk to anyone but that doesn't mean even i don't go through phases where i draw a blank. It happens. thats when i fall back on my mental list of questions.

You studied computer games in college?!
Cool!!!

Though one thing people say about keeping conversations is that you need to look clues in what the person in saying to pick on those things n continue conversations. Like... ahmm.. i dunno how to elaborate on this or explain this but like you need to keep looking for things in what the person says that you could hold onto and like inquire bout it/talk bout it to the person. Like something they do, somewhere they've been n stuff like that...
But then again, i'm myself pretty bad at talking...!

entropi

I've been like that for a longer time than i would have liked in my life, but recently found out that random conversations can happen when you least expect them, here's a recent example;

Was chatting away to a mate where he works and in comes this girl he knows who is a regular customer, they start talking about films etc and i'm invited to join in. So he gets back to work and the two of us just carried on talking and almost 2 hours passed by and we never realised because we somehow shared common interests and could only stop as she was supposed to be heading home after work instead

Moral of the story? just start talking, you might just hit it off in the end.

c - 13

So its most likely a case of just talking away about anything until you find something in common I suppose ?

I just generally i find I run out of menial things to talk about. I probably over analyze the situation and discard certain topics as boring or forced and just lapse into silence instead.

Thanks for the advice lads (and ladies) much appreciated.

Wurly

OP, one of the things about people is - they just love to talk about themselves. Myself included.:)

Talking about the weather etc is just plain embarrassing, I hear ya. Its like getting into a taxi and having the generic conversation of - busy tonight? Do you usually work nights? What time will you go til this morning? Blah blah blah.

Ask them a question about something they're wearing (as a previous poster said) for example.

If you can veer the conversation to get them to talk about themselves, then you're onto a winner.

And another thing - this happens to EVERYONE. Personally if I knew someone was really trying to make the effort to talk to me, id find it really endearing and would be happy to continue the conversation with them.:)

af_thefragile

With me its mostly the case of some people that i can get along with and most that i cant!
Like some people i meet and its the most uncomfortable time of my life. We have nothing to speak about, awkward silences n all...
And the like once i was with this friend of mine and we were going to watch a movie with two of her friends that i had never met before. But when i met them i instantly hit it and it was pretty cool. We got along really well and it was brilliant. I guess its mostly bout what you can find in common with the person. Like one of her friends liked the bands and sorta music that i did so it got us talking about Lamb of God and other bands. The other friend, well, the only thing i had in common with her was my friend and that we both would slag her a lot. So that kicked off!

So at the end of the day, its sorta mostly about finding something in common between the two of ye. And at the end of that day its always some people that you instantly click with and some that you can never get along with!

If they're enjoying the conversation/or are interested in speaking, they'll themselves find something to talk about it won't be as much effort. On the other hand if they're not interested, they won't make the effort and conversations become tough. Its always a two sided thing.